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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hope))), I've been away from the boards and just saw your post today. So, it's really that bad??? No money for support or alimony??? As you know, my SAWH's career also imploded when his dirty, little "hobby" took over his life.

Do you own your home -- maybe you can refinance and do a home equity loan to buy some time while you look for a job? I'm so sorry, you've been through so much. I would also be interested in some books or resources into the mind of a personality disordered SAWH. I believe mine had a "nervous breakdown" with his cancer diagnosis (and other major stressors) in Fall 2009. It's when his craziness ramped up and trolling for women on the internet became his full-time job.

I'm here for you, sweetie. Sending you, and all who post here, love and strength...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I'm not interloping here, but I thought I'd find someone with more knowledge to answer this from an informed standpoint.

Talking to WH today, he said he thought his A happened because he stepped over the border from just fantasizing. That led to a discussion about his fantasizing, and he told me he sometime fantasizes about women at work. I'm not sure what to think about that. I do think fantasizing about sex with people other than the spouse is within normal behavior, but for some reason it really bothers me that these are IRL people and not just an imaginary character. Are these fantasies a barrier to normal intimacy?

I should add he did not have an A with someone from work, that there were other stressors that I think contributed, that he doesn't view porn, etc etc. I wouldn't categorize him as SA, but wonder if there is some spectrum of intimacy avoidance that he falls on.

Thoughts?


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1688 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you scaredycat. I will ask about a group. He doesn't think he has a SA problem. He says we cant afford counseling. I'm taking antianxiety and antidepressants. I am forgetful, clumsy, and very depressed. I will go to counseling with or without him. 6 months out and I still cry, miss work, just cannot function some days. Thank goodness for this " club. "


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
Thank you for all the advice and kindness. I've read all your notes several times, trying to absorb everything.

NG and Ghost - yes, I think STBX had some sort of nervous breakdown after his mother died in spring 2011. She was a formidable, domineering, narcissistic woman who was also a highly functioning alcoholic and impossible to deal with. I blamed her for STBX's SA. But I think I was wrong. I now think he used her as an excuse - he only blamed her when he was desperate, and in my gut, it never felt "real" to me. Anyhow, he cut her out of his life. He didn't talk to her for several years, even though she was dying from lung cancer. In spring 2011, he went up to her home and watched her die. Then he felt incredible guilt and remorse - and anger at me, probably.

And that's when he had the break with reality. And the SA kicked in. He started losing his old, long-time clients. He started acting strangely at work - his personality changed completely.

And once he started losing clients, the pressure to keep up with the Joneses really started. He considered himself a loser compared to all his old friends and colleagues who are all wealthy now. Some are even famous in their fields. And we were just scraping by, accumulating debt. I never fully understood it - I had two young children at home so I was distracted, and I knew my STBX was brilliant, and likable. I could not figure out why he wasn't doing better. I couldn't face the truth. So I did NOTHING like Hath in terms of preparing for anything.

Anyhow, several therapists through the years have informally diagnosed him as NPD. Which means his SA will never get better.

As for alimony and child support, I just don't know. If he continues to decline, I don't see it happening. Right now, he's barely earning enough to pay for groceries and utilities here. And his firm is about to implode. My family is helping with the mortgage and school payments. I can't pull my kids from school next year without losing 40 percent of the tuition. So my parents will pay one more year.

I think the truth just hit me this week: he probably won't be able to contribute much, or anything, going forward. When his firm implodes, he'll end up working in OW/fellow SA's basement. What made this all real was that my father and my lawyer both said it aloud. And then they said that he will, however, continue to show up all the time and create a lot of chaos in my children's lives. And even if he does manage to scrape together some CS or A, it will always be late and short. Yet he will yell a lot about his rights as a father.

If it wasn't for my family, we would have already defaulted on our mortgage and tuition payments. I don't know if i would always have enough money for food. But my parents will make sure my kids have food on the table - at a price. The money they give me comes out of their retirement day-to-day living money. My father is looking into moving 300 miles to be closer to me so that he and my mother "can help" us. I can not let them move here; they would hate it, and it would kill them.

STBX and I own our house. I have a little family money in my name. I didn't know it existed until all of this happened. The plan was to buy out STBX's share of this house with this money, and pay off the bulk of the remaining mortgage. The house is really the only REAL asset we have, so I want it. At the same time, the plan was to give him that money to pay his 2011 taxes WHICH ARE UNPAID (!!!), and pay his credit card debt so that he can have a fresh start.

But that was very naive. A financial fresh start isn't going to cut it. He needs major, major, major mental help.

As for the lists of resources for divorced moms, thank you. I am planning on researching every single one of them. As for a job, I will try to start freelancing right away. I have an editorial background. I might have to start to volunteer to write/edit things for free, then build into a part-time job, and then a full-time job. Or temp. I love the idea of working with children this summer (in terms of flexibility, etc.) and in fact I had a dream of going back to school for a master's in pediatric OT. But that won't happen now. My goal is to build up some work and then apply to corporate communications jobs. I think they pay the best in my field. Whether anyone will want me after nearly eight years is another thing entirely.

But at least it's something I can sort of control, as opposed to trying to make my sick STBX better, so that he can pay CS or A. Or sitting around, waiting for money that never arrives.

So, this is the world's longest post ever. I'm sorry. I honestly never, ever thought that things would come to this. And I can't find another human being who says they would have predicted any mental instability in my STBX's future. Honestly, the words that people used to describe him for years and years were: brilliant, charming, kind, funny. So I am desperately reading all the resources that you sent me - especially Out of the Fog, which seems like it was written just for me.

Lastly, STBX has ignored our settlement letter. That means I've used up my entire legal retainer of $5k. I have to ask my family for more. We will have to pursue him to the end of the Earth to make this divorce happen. It's going to take years, and thousands and thousands of dollars.

I wish I had predicted this. If anyone out there has just realized that their H has SA issues, please be as smart as Hath, and start creating a Plan Two for yourself. You probably won't have to use it - but it's so smart to have it in place.

Thank you everyone. Tomorrow we threaten STBX with exposure. I'm fairly certain he'll ignore that too.

-Hope (my name sounds ridiculous right now!)



Posts: 1420 | Registered: Oct 2011
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope,

I am so sorry this is happening. My ex was self-employed during our marriage.

I do know that about a year before he was caught, his business was really starting to go to hell and I was becoming very alarmed by it.

He was doing a poor job for some of the customers he did have, and he had people mad at him and some were even threatening to sue him. It didn't seem to faze him much at all and I had to jump in a few times to avert a lawsuit.

He would talk my ear off about all of his productive activities during the day (while I was working) and I tried to believe him that things just weren't happening and it was a run of bad luck, although his competitors were thriving big time.

By the time he was caught in March 08, things were at a crisis level with respect to his business. I then discovered that instead of working (he worked out of the home), he was surfing the internet for hookups, going to strip clubs and having affairs and he was either calling or texting one stripper/prostitute sometimes dozens of times a day. He had also started to court another stripper/prostitute.

He had NO ability to focus on his business. His entire focus was on feeding his addiction. I think what happened is that when we met and married, he "white knuckeled" it for a time and then it got the best of him and it took over his life.

He came into the marriage as a SA (I discovered this on D day) and he'd lost at least one good job in the past and I suspect more. He was probably caught doing something on the Internet by his former employers. He wanted to be self-employed when we were married and I made a lot of sacrifices so that he could do that.

I don't know if this helps or not. As for personality disorders, I'm fairly certain that my ex is a sociopath. My IC (who didn't treat him) described him as NPD and thought that was driving his SA. But who knows? He is definitely "not right" in the head. Anytime we were in counseling, he was in a manipulative mode and it was impossible to get to the bottom of anything.

After our D, he had an F rating with BBB which ensured the demise of his company. Last I heard, he had a job in another state. I don't think that will last for long, given his history.

I didn't have children with him, and I have a career, so I am thankful I didn't have to count on him financially as it wouldn't have ever happened. That said, he went through all of my pre-marital savings, either spending it on his business or his habit. And I paid his alimony from his first divorce to the tune of $60,000 over the course of our marriage.

It took me a while to get back on my feet. Keep going with your plan to make it on your own - you can do it!

Best wishes.

[This message edited by somer222 at 10:46 PM, June 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my god, Somer, I wish I could reach out and hug you. Thank you for your post.

I do know that about a year before he was caught, his business was really starting to go to hell and I was becoming very alarmed by it.

He was doing a poor job for some of the customers he did have, and he had people mad at him and some were even threatening to sue him. It didn't seem to faze him much at all and I had to jump in a few times to avert a lawsuit.

He would talk my ear off about all of his productive activities during the day (while I was working) and I tried to believe him that things just weren't happening and it was a run of bad luck, although his competitors were thriving big time.

Yes, this describes it completely. I noticed a trend: his old clients were leaving him angry voicemails and emails, claiming that he wasn't responsive enough to them - that he wasn't following through on anything. But he was SO arrogant, telling me that they were all unrealistic and "difficult," and I stupidly believed him for a long time.

He had NO ability to focus on his business. His entire focus was on feeding his addiction. I think what happened is that when we met and married, he "white knuckeled" it for a time and then it got the best of him and it took over his life.

And this gave me pause. I was married to STBX for more than 15 years, and I am convinced that he was a SA when I met him and that he was able to white-knuckle it for years. He was able to do it because he is smart, and because he was so incredibly successful for years. He also had a relatively "famous" person as his boss, which made HIM feel important, and the job was very glamorous. He was a hotshot, important, etc., perfect for his NPD.

My role? I suppose the perfect wife/mom, the girl next door, etc. Always adoring. Lots of friends, but shy. Played second fiddle to him.

I'm sure I sound like I'm nuts, claiming in one post that there was no way to predict STBX's problems, and then following up by saying that he was white-knuckling it for 15 years. But both of these things are true.

He is definitely a NPD. I am not sure if he is a sociopath. Possibly not, but he's never been able to show true remorse for the pain he caused me. He uses people. I do believe he loves his children, but then again, look at what he's done to them.

What a mess. So, your message to me is to move forward and somehow figure out how to become self sufficient? I'm scared, honestly. I don't know how I'll do it, but I'll have to figure out some combo of rebuilding my career, plus accepting some support from my family, plus cutting back dramatically. If any money comes in from STBX, I'll put it away for a rainy day.

Maybe I should move far away from here.


Posts: 1420 | Registered: Oct 2011
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope:

I'm sure I sound like I'm nuts, claiming in one post that there was no way to predict STBX's problems, and then following up by saying that he was white-knuckling it for 15 years. But both of these things are true.

Don't feel badly as hindsight is always 20/20. Things have a way of becoming much more clear once we have the truth.

I was a little worried about your stbx's ability to honor financial obligations to you and your children because of his addiction and the way he is living.

Thankfully, you have a supportive family and you have professional skills you can use to kick-start your career. You also have incredible clarity and strength for a woman who is in the midst of this kind of situation.

I do believe you possess the moxy to make it happen!

When the going gets tough, the tough get going!


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I noticed a trend: his old clients were leaving him angry voicemails and emails, claiming that he wasn't responsive enough to them - that he wasn't following through on anything. But he was SO arrogant, telling me that they were all unrealistic and "difficult," and I stupidly believed him for a long time.

This, too! My ex would engage in email "wars" with his clients and blame them for whatever went wrong, when it was clear to see that my ex was the problem.

I think it is the NPD that causes this and the sex addiction (at least for my ex). A normal person who has ethics and empathy and who gives a damn about their reputation and the survival of their business, would bend over backwards to make things right. They would understand that behaving as they do would have very serious consequences. But they just don't seem to "get" it.

I would read the emails from my ex's clients and try to find a way to justify my ex's responses back to them. The first few times, I took his side and thought he was dealing with "impossible" people. But the trend continued and got worse and I was very worried.

I had absolutely no idea he was also cheating on me at the same time and spending nearly every dime we had on his addiction. I had stupidly trusted him to handle our finances.

As awful as D day was, it brought complete clarity to my situation and what I was dealing with. I knew the minute the stripper called me that I was dealing with a man with a personality disorder and my IC confirmed my suspicions were most likely correct.

The trend was indicative of just that. His manipulative behavior, his extreme sense of entitlement, his pathological lying, living a double life, and he was really parasitic in that he expected me to finance everything and he stole from me, too. His ego was so huge that if I tried to talk about my business, he would ice me out and become sullen. And it was MY business that was funding his lifestyle! He wouldn't allow me to take credit for anything.

In the end, he was even attempting to destroy my business (the only thing I had left) by trying to talk me into selling it. So he could get his hands on what I had left financially. If I had fallen for that - I would have been totally destroyed. He also tried to talk me into taking out a credit card to put his $20,000 credit card balance on that because I could get a lower interest rate. Thank God I didn't do that, either.

So for me, and it sounds like for you - hindsight has been 20/20. You know what you are dealing with and you know you cannot count on him for anything at all. He is wrapped up in his addiction and other issues and just getting away from him the best that you can is going to be your salvation.

You're strong, Hope. I can feel that coming through your emails and how you are dealing with this situation. This isn't a walk in the park, but if you take all of the anger, the indignation, and your survival instincts and further clarify your goals and you will see for yourself that you will be ok!

Big hugs.

[This message edited by somer222 at 7:51 AM, June 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all! I only have a moment to post...

Hope, when I read your stuff, and granted I only have a small amount of the whole story, I wonder why you don't WANT to move. Get the house legally (buyout if that is what needs to happen) and sell it, live on the proceeds either someplace closer to your parents so they can help you, or anywhere else that would make you happy. I know there are legal restrictions in D and custody that may limit your relocation options, and make them more expensive, but I would think that would make it worth it, no?

I just see it as a way to get away from all the triggers, people that know, etc and of course put some distance between you and STBX. He can cry about his rights as a father all he wants, but the truth is he would have to put forth more significant effort if you were farther apart and the problem may just solve itself as a result when he goes further down the rabbit hole.

As for re-entering the job market, a suggestion. Temp work. Seriously. Because it will allow you to get your feet wet, figure out all the bugs of becoming a working parent, and if you have some fallout it is not in a "real" job scenario. Also, it can lead to real jobs. It has for me. They hire a temp to fill in while they figure out what they are going to do, and find out how awesome you are, and you get a real job because they don't want to lose you.

HTH. I am still wigging out a bit from yesterday. My SAWH got us tickets to a concert, and he was very late because he was pulled into a mandatory meeting with HR. I assumed the worst, he was getting fired for SA stuff. Turns out he was just pulled in to be part of the plan to cover someone on extensive leave, and he's not lying because he was fielding calls throughout the evening from people about it. Then the concert was excessively loud and the "air quality" was compromised and I had cold sweats, heartpalpitations, and nearly fainted and had to leave halfway through. I was fine once I left the concert, but you know how just being a partner to a SA can do this to you at any time so you never know if it's that or something else. So at any rate I'm not at 100% today so I may not be understanding everything you are posting. Much luck though, you have a lot to decide but thank goodness YOU get to decide a lot of it.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A normal person who has ethics and empathy and who gives a damn about their reputation and the survival of their business, would bend over backwards to make things right. They would understand that behaving as they do would have very serious consequences. But they just don't seem to "get" it.

Yes, this sums it all up. Another example: STBX has filed an extension for his 2011 taxes. He owes Uncle Sam a mind-boggling amount of money. My father lined up a separation "deal" in which he would pay STBX's back taxes, plus some credit card debt, and I would get the house.

Most people would jump at that opportunity. But not STBX. He just doesn't care. He figures they'll get paid sometime, somehow (probably by my family - there's your parasitic behavior). My father and I simply cannot fathom this type of attitude. But my lawyer got it - she said, "You and your father can't sleep at night if you owe people money. You both have a sense of obligation. Your STBX does not."

Somer, I'm so glad you didn't open that credit card or sell your business. Look at you now.

You know what you are dealing with and you know you cannot count on him for anything at all. He is wrapped up in his addiction and other issues and just getting away from him the best that you can is going to be your salvation.

I have to keep remembering this, even while my children have to see him twice a week. Sooner or later, as they get older, they'll start figuring out who he really is. How sad.

The only way out is through, the only way out is through. I keep telling myself that. THANK YOU SOMER!!!!! You've given me the strength I need for now. I'm sure my next meltdown is just around the corner, but you've helped me so much. If I could do as well as you, my children and I will have a good life after all.



Posts: 1420 | Registered: Oct 2011
joy3029
♀ New Member
Member # 33623
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your reply hathnofury, it was really helpful!

I'm really overwhelmed right now. I think the best thing for me to do is to try and focus on getting myself employable. I think once I can manage that I'll feel like I'll have a little more control of what my future may look like... married or not. Pondering the "what if's" is killing me.

Worrying about what my H may or may not be doing, or lying about is overwhelming, emotionally consuming, ect, ect, ect.

I think the best thing for me is to let him work on his issues... if he chooses to, and focus on myself.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joy, I'm at a little advantage that apparently my SAWH does not have some sort of OTHER mental illness/condition I have to work against, and since SAWH has not gone past the point of no return nor hit rock bottom, he's pretty convinced he can "fix" this. So he's willing to agree to my legal stuff, and I need to get on getting that finalized before it bites me in the ass.

The flip side is because he's been busted before the point of no return/rock bottom, it's taking him longer to truly see what he needs to do and what true recovery is and is going to entail. And of course there is always doubt and mistrust of how much he's really trying. That part sucks. But I'll take it over someone with a personality order in denial any day. In that way I am really blessed.

You can only take on what you can handle. For me, the first thing was exploring all the options. What happens if we D? If I file vs. he files? What are my options re: custody of the kids? What are the financial ramifications if we split, and what the heck is going on financially right now that I may not be aware of? Can we afford separate households for temporary or long term if needed? What would I do if he lost his job, whether I was with him or not?

These are hard to deal with under the best circumstances. They are extremely difficult to consider when so compromised. But the way I see it, you don't HAVE to make the decisions right away, you just need to be AWARE of your options. So you know what is possible, what will take some legwork, avoid making mistakes that will cost you in the future. Knowledge is power. You will know what to decide when the time is right.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those who have children and considering moving away, far away, from their SA, please remember that you will have to send your children to STAY with your SA for visitation. Your SA will have "possession" of your children for one, two days, maybe a week or two or more in the summer, and you won't even be in the same town. Think CAREFULLY about moving away.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8721 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very true, NG. In Hope's case tho, her parents are only 300 miles away. I was thinking she move out that way, not necessarily that far but in that direction. If she was say, 150 miles away, it doesn't make visitation much different, just more difficult for him, right? IDK, my parents were 90 miles away for about four years of our marriage, and it was perfect because they were close enough to visit but not close enough they showed up on my doorstep unannounced.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think being 150 miles away would make visitation very different. It would no longer be reasonable to have him do visitation in her home, he would probably be awarded visitation in HIS home, and it would probably be for days at a time. Hope would be 150 miles away, unable to do anything about having pervert Daddy & pervert OW play Happy Family in a sex basement. Lord knows what kind of sex paraphanalia those innocent children would find.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8721 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oy, that is probably true NG. I keep assuming that a family court judge would just require supervised visitation with all the evidence she has, but you are probably right. I really have avoided fully investigating all those potential scenarios because I just *can't* do it right now. What a nightmare. It truly frightens me that could be a possibility in my future, and it horrifies me that it is part of yours, Hope's, and so many others.

Holding you both in the LIGHT!


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is frightening and logic-defying that those of us with legitimately freaky, dangerous SA spouses even have to consider the possibility of handing our children over. And yet we do. The courts are biased against US, and are biased favorably FOR THE SEX ADDICT PARENT!

There is really nothing we can do to protect our children unless there is a gross molestation, and of course then it's too late, we can only do damage control. Our children will be f-ed up forever, but hey, as long as that f-ing sex addict didn't have his or her parental rights messed with...

Hey, I have pictures, computer hard-drive evidence, handwritten documents, I witnessed my husband acting out sexually while holding one of my babies, PLUS a personal history of being sexually violated, yet I'm told that it doesn't matter (not that I fully trust my lawyer at this point).

Seriously. If THAT doesn't count as reasonable evidence that STBX shouldn't have all kinds of unlimited access to my kids, then nothing will.

And I think Hope has even less evidence than I do about what a sick POS her STBX is.

The court system has been abused in the past by vengeful ex-wives hoping to punish their husbands by making false accusations so as to "win" the children. At present the court system has swung waaaaaaay too far the other way to keep this from happening. As a result those of us with legitimate problems & fears FOR THE SAFETY OF OUR CHILDREN are dismissed. Even when we have evidence!!!

Our entire culture has shifted away from holding the cheating partner responsible to now holding the betrayed spouse responsible for the destruction of the marriage. And when we try to fight back to protect our children from being exposed to the dangerously deviant sexual desires of our cheating spouses, we are shot down.

IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A SEX ADDICT & DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN YET, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THE SEX ADDICT!!!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8721 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope,

I am so glad that I have been able to help you!

And thank God for your loving and supportive family! My family stood behind me, too. I don't know what I would have done without them.

I think you are going to be ok. You sound so strong! And good for you. Stay focused, bite off a little bit at a time and if you ever need a "booster", PM me!


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

!#$@%$%^%&^&^#^%

More than ten years. He has been doing it for more than ten years. I have proof, lots and lots of proof. And he doesn't know.

WTF do I do now?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath,
First you take a deep breath and remember all you have learned about SA.

Biggest in this case: that it usually starts in the teens. Finding out that it has been going on for 10 yrs is most likely not all of it.

Next, I would suggest you call for some support from your group or your CSAT if you can. The CSAT will give the best advice.

Right now you are reeling emotionally in the realization you have been lied to. You have every reason to be angry. Channel it in a way that takes care of you.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
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