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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FIRST!!!

[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:37 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

congratulations, sadtoo! I think it is fitting. I think that means you have to "lead" the way through the forum.

Can I just say that I love that we can still play, call dibs on that first post, and laugh at ourselves and each other? Healing rocks!


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5284 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I wanted to respond to something that you said, SadToo, on NPD 9, but I'm a little too lazy right now to look it up, so instead I will offer hugs.

(((SadToo)))

I hate these NPD jerks who suck in such wonderful people.

I hate that I am going to MC with my suspected NPD STBXWH.

I hate that if he keeps up his facade long enough, that I may capitulate and try to R.

HUGS to everyone dealing with an NPD!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3092 | Registered: Dec 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phmh

I too almost got sucked into going to MC while on the way to divorce, but it was on my terms and he refused to do what I asked. So he went by himself. I wish that he would "get it", but with every passing day he just proves its all about him. What I wish would happen is a fantasy just like my marriage. I would go, but just to make sure the MC knew what she was dealing with. He ended up with a woman counselor because the men could see him for what he was, broken.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey! A new thread! I think, sadtoo, that you are missing some things in your FIRST POST! I remember a couple pictures and a theme song to keep away the heebeejeebies or something.

Internet is safe for the rest of the week, thank God. Wobbly tonight. Go figure.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know how we tend to think of our NPDWSs as "so charming"... probably because that's what we remember from our early romance heydays and what we hold onto throughout the suckiest times later...? Well... I have been shown multiple times this weekend that not everyone looks upon my STBX-NPD-WH (damn, that's a lot of letters!) as "charming." Everyone... and I mean EVERYONE... is rallying behind me to support me without my even having to ask. I have more dates with girlfriends than I know what to do with!

Why am I amazed by all this show of support and love? Too many years of accepting crumbs and getting no support from the one person who should have been my safe harbor, perhaps? In any event, I feel so lucky and so loved today! Poor Mr. STBXNell... he does not (can not?) know this feeling.

Just feeling overwhelmed today. But in a good way.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell -- I could have written your post.

My NPD STBXWH was so charming to me, but pretty mean to everyone else, unless he wanted something. He just thought he was so much better than them!

Since the separation, so many people have come forward to tell me what they really thought of him. I've found that I have so many more friends than I thought I had. And he has none.

wontdefineme - I am going to go tomorrow to MC, but I'm sure nothing will come out of it because he can't change. I will post here what happens. I suspect he's been lying a lot to his IC, based on the responses he's given me of things she's supposedly said, so I'm interested to see what he says in MC.

Anyway, new day, and I am excited about my NPD-free future!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3092 | Registered: Dec 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm in a pickle. A BAD pickle. My middle son is chomping at the bit, prodded by his gf, and wants to just tell WH he has to leave. The gf, (who I just want to slap because it's pure selfishness on her part, although I don't like her much, either,) doesn't like WH. I can relate, pun intended, but come on! I explained the PD factor, and you'd think that having her own PD (bipolar) mother would clue her in... but she wants to play house. She also wants my youngest and I to leave for a couple days while she's here. I'm thinking to myself, WTF? And WHERE would we go?

So here's the question, tribe: Do I dare let my son tell his dad to get out? I have a feeling the answer is no, but I need to be able to tell him something. He's also feeling the stress of living with WH far too long, and THAT part, I totally empathize with.

WHAT DO I DO??? HELP!!

[This message edited by SoHurt at 12:41 PM, February 20th (Monday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt... I have nothing, but wanted to let you know that you are heard. Hoping someone with more smarts than I will be along shortly. (I don't suppose you know anyone who needs a housesitter so Little Miss Playhouse can flit around the kitchen elsewhere?)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoHurt)))

I would say no -- it's not your son's place to tell him to leave. If anyone is to tell him that, it needs to come from you.

I'm sorry I don't remember your specifics, but where are you in the process? Are you going to D him? Are your kids all adults (18+)? Who still lives at home with you? Do you want to keep the house or are you planning on moving out?

I guess I just see this as an issue that you and your WH need to work through together and not involve the kids. But that's with limited background info.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3092 | Registered: Dec 2011
veritas
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Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bipolar isn't PD first of all. So long as they stay on their meds, most bipolar folks do very well.

Second of all, I'm not understanding the living situations of who is living with whom. Are you, your husband, and 1 son living with your other son, whose girlfriend is coming to visit? Because in my mind, whoever makes those decisions is pretty clear.

[This message edited by veritas at 1:09 PM, February 20th (Monday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas... sorry, I thought bipolar was a PD. I haven't read that thoroughly because it doesn't fit.

Ok... here's the layout. Middle son owns the house, we pay part of the bills. Youngest, almost 15, lives here with us.

I AM going to D, because I'm just done. I don't want to play the game anymore, and it's just over. I'm not healthy anymore, and it's partly from the stress of living with him. I'd like a few peaceful days before I depart this earth.

It is middle son's gf coming, and she doesn't like WH. (Well, none of us do! Get over yourself, little girl.) I can understand middle son wanting to handle things, as it's his house, but I'm worried it will turn into a battle, and I don't know if that is really a good idea. Middle son is not afraid of WH, (who he knows is not his birth father,) so he feels it would be ok if he was the one to do it.

He says if I can't get it done quickly, he's going to. I've been explaining to him that WH is PD, but he doesn't seem to understand that this could have dangerous potential.

I haven't got a bank account to put my money in when it comes, and WH most likely would take at least half. I haven't even had a chance, with the weekend and holiday, to find out from SS how long it would take to have the changes made.

I am about to lose my mind, here. I'm freaked because if son says anything, it could go very, very bad. I know it has a chance of being ok, with WH feeling like the outcast and blaming us, but there's youngest son to think about, too.

I don't know what to do!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With that additional information, here's what I would do:

1. Have middle son investigate landlord/tenant laws in your state. In my state, he couldn't just tell WH to get out -- if WH fought him, he'd have to do a formal eviction process. Know the laws before he acts and finds himself in trouble.

2. Start getting your ducks in a row for separation. Get a bank account (try a credit union -- at mine you can open a free account for as little as $25.) Start putting money away and working on separating your stuff. This might also involve getting a credit card solely in your name, etc.

3. Possibly get out of the house (secretly from WH) any things that you care about so if he does become violent, he won't harm them.

4. Be prepared to change the locks as soon as you evict him, especially if you are worried he may become violent. Can the police in your area be there when he's told to leave? (If you really think he could turn violent.)

These are just some things I thought of off of the top of my head. I'm sure there are more. I just don't think it would be productive for your son to anger WH and provoke him until you've had a chance to know what legal obligations you have and for you to get things settled a bit more.

You will find the peace you seek -- it may just take a bit longer than anticipated!

(((SoHurt)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3092 | Registered: Dec 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, phmh. I'm working on getting those damn ducks lined up, but my son has ramped it up for me, and now I'm in a panic. If he starts trouble with WH, I really think it will go badly.

I haven't got a way to get that bank account, yet. For one thing, WH gambled away the last of our money the other night, and for another, I don't have anyone to take me to the credit union if I DID have money. I'm stuck right now. There are several things I need to get done, but I think with his gf coming to stay on Wednesday, that he's thinking that would be his limit. I feel like just giving up.

This is impossible. Now I wish I hadn't said anything to him, and let things evolve as they would have if we'd never talked. I want to quit. I'm sick of everyone having all the control and say so over me, and feeling like the turd on everyone's shoe.

I was so calm and working on a plan, and things in my head were good until this all happened. Now I just want to give up.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoHurt)))

If son wants him out then he needs to step up to the plate. He needs to give you some money to open a bank acct and help you navigate SS.
Possible eviction procedure (that takes awhile) because I agree, you/he want to do this right. Also he can help you file D. If he's in a hurry then he will have to help you do it right.
Now if WH walks out on his own, that would be the best scenario.
GF coming? Maybe they need to take a weekend away, if she doesn't want to be around WH.
I hope you can talk some sense into him.
gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I'm really freaked. Here's what son emailed me a bit ago:

ill give you untill i get home from work and thats it, im sorry im being this way but i have my reasons , im going to talk to dad tonight

HE DOESN'T GET IT!! He seems bent on this course of action. I'm going to email him again, but I can't see him changing his mind. I fucking scared to death right now.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a horrible day today. The kids came back from their father and my daughter was complaining that he was unfair to her because she did not get the same attention than my son. Son felt superior, he even talked to OW the first time, said the sounded nice an promised him a tree house , a canoe and a tree to climb in if she visits him....
My son then asked me why he couldn't live with daddy and visit me instead of the other way round.
It hurts me to see how the boy is idealised just because he idealises daddy. I tried to emphasise the fact, that brother/sister are and should be a good team and always help each other.
I felt so hurt and week.
Divorce will be on Wednesday unless my husband has crazy ideas.
He dropped me after dday because I didn't fight for him and I can't expect him to leave OW if he can't be sure I take him back, cause he doesn't want to be on the desert.....,,
I guess being dropped is sth I should even be grateful for.....


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 52 | Registered: Nov 2011
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh shit SoHurt ! ((SoHurt))
I hope he intends to have someone stay with you 24/7 because this going to be all your fault according to WH.
It will get ugly.
Like I said DS needs to be able and prepared to help you.
Ready or not ? Ughhhh !

(((Free)))

It's sad when they have to manipulate the kids. Nothing but mind fuck games.
DS is still too young to make decisions of living with Disney Dad.
If Dad had him 24/7, I bet it wouldn't be so Disney happy over there. It's horrible that DD felt inferior to DS at Dad's. What a POS Dad he is.

I know how it hurts to hear that from DS.
Yeah, I think you are lucky not to have to live with such a shallow man.
Too bad they don't show their true colors before we M and create families with them.
gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
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