[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:37 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
Can I just say that I love that we can still play, call dibs on that first post, and laugh at ourselves and each other? Healing rocks!
I hate these NPD jerks who suck in such wonderful people.
I hate that I am going to MC with my suspected NPD STBXWH.
I hate that if he keeps up his facade long enough, that I may capitulate and try to R.
HUGS to everyone dealing with an NPD!!!
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
I too almost got sucked into going to MC while on the way to divorce, but it was on my terms and he refused to do what I asked. So he went by himself. I wish that he would "get it", but with every passing day he just proves its all about him. What I wish would happen is a fantasy just like my marriage. I would go, but just to make sure the MC knew what she was dealing with. He ended up with a woman counselor because the men could see him for what he was, broken.
Internet is safe for the rest of the week, thank God. Wobbly tonight. Go figure.
Why am I amazed by all this show of support and love? Too many years of accepting crumbs and getting no support from the one person who should have been my safe harbor, perhaps? In any event, I feel so lucky and so loved today! Poor Mr. STBXNell... he does not (can not?) know this feeling.
Just feeling overwhelmed today. But in a good way.
My NPD STBXWH was so charming to me, but pretty mean to everyone else, unless he wanted something. He just thought he was so much better than them!
Since the separation, so many people have come forward to tell me what they really thought of him. I've found that I have so many more friends than I thought I had. And he has none.
wontdefineme - I am going to go tomorrow to MC, but I'm sure nothing will come out of it because he can't change. I will post here what happens. I suspect he's been lying a lot to his IC, based on the responses he's given me of things she's supposedly said, so I'm interested to see what he says in MC.
Anyway, new day, and I am excited about my NPD-free future!
So here's the question, tribe: Do I dare let my son tell his dad to get out? I have a feeling the answer is no, but I need to be able to tell him something. He's also feeling the stress of living with WH far too long, and THAT part, I totally empathize with.
WHAT DO I DO??? HELP!!
[This message edited by SoHurt at 12:41 PM, February 20th (Monday)]
I would say no -- it's not your son's place to tell him to leave. If anyone is to tell him that, it needs to come from you.
I'm sorry I don't remember your specifics, but where are you in the process? Are you going to D him? Are your kids all adults (18+)? Who still lives at home with you? Do you want to keep the house or are you planning on moving out?
I guess I just see this as an issue that you and your WH need to work through together and not involve the kids. But that's with limited background info.
Second of all, I'm not understanding the living situations of who is living with whom. Are you, your husband, and 1 son living with your other son, whose girlfriend is coming to visit? Because in my mind, whoever makes those decisions is pretty clear.
[This message edited by veritas at 1:09 PM, February 20th (Monday)]
Ok... here's the layout. Middle son owns the house, we pay part of the bills. Youngest, almost 15, lives here with us.
I AM going to D, because I'm just done. I don't want to play the game anymore, and it's just over. I'm not healthy anymore, and it's partly from the stress of living with him. I'd like a few peaceful days before I depart this earth.
It is middle son's gf coming, and she doesn't like WH. (Well, none of us do! Get over yourself, little girl.) I can understand middle son wanting to handle things, as it's his house, but I'm worried it will turn into a battle, and I don't know if that is really a good idea. Middle son is not afraid of WH, (who he knows is not his birth father,) so he feels it would be ok if he was the one to do it.
He says if I can't get it done quickly, he's going to. I've been explaining to him that WH is PD, but he doesn't seem to understand that this could have dangerous potential.
I haven't got a bank account to put my money in when it comes, and WH most likely would take at least half. I haven't even had a chance, with the weekend and holiday, to find out from SS how long it would take to have the changes made.
I am about to lose my mind, here. I'm freaked because if son says anything, it could go very, very bad. I know it has a chance of being ok, with WH feeling like the outcast and blaming us, but there's youngest son to think about, too.
I don't know what to do!
1. Have middle son investigate landlord/tenant laws in your state. In my state, he couldn't just tell WH to get out -- if WH fought him, he'd have to do a formal eviction process. Know the laws before he acts and finds himself in trouble.
2. Start getting your ducks in a row for separation. Get a bank account (try a credit union -- at mine you can open a free account for as little as $25.) Start putting money away and working on separating your stuff. This might also involve getting a credit card solely in your name, etc.
3. Possibly get out of the house (secretly from WH) any things that you care about so if he does become violent, he won't harm them.
4. Be prepared to change the locks as soon as you evict him, especially if you are worried he may become violent. Can the police in your area be there when he's told to leave? (If you really think he could turn violent.)
These are just some things I thought of off of the top of my head. I'm sure there are more. I just don't think it would be productive for your son to anger WH and provoke him until you've had a chance to know what legal obligations you have and for you to get things settled a bit more.
You will find the peace you seek -- it may just take a bit longer than anticipated!
I haven't got a way to get that bank account, yet. For one thing, WH gambled away the last of our money the other night, and for another, I don't have anyone to take me to the credit union if I DID have money. I'm stuck right now. There are several things I need to get done, but I think with his gf coming to stay on Wednesday, that he's thinking that would be his limit. I feel like just giving up.
This is impossible. Now I wish I hadn't said anything to him, and let things evolve as they would have if we'd never talked. I want to quit. I'm sick of everyone having all the control and say so over me, and feeling like the turd on everyone's shoe.
I was so calm and working on a plan, and things in my head were good until this all happened. Now I just want to give up.
If son wants him out then he needs to step up to the plate. He needs to give you some money to open a bank acct and help you navigate SS.
Possible eviction procedure (that takes awhile) because I agree, you/he want to do this right. Also he can help you file D. If he's in a hurry then he will have to help you do it right.
Now if WH walks out on his own, that would be the best scenario.
GF coming? Maybe they need to take a weekend away, if she doesn't want to be around WH.
I hope you can talk some sense into him.
ill give you untill i get home from work and thats it, im sorry im being this way but i have my reasons , im going to talk to dad tonight
HE DOESN'T GET IT!! He seems bent on this course of action. I'm going to email him again, but I can't see him changing his mind. I fucking scared to death right now.
BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
Divorced, final 03/12
It's sad when they have to manipulate the kids. Nothing but mind fuck games.
DS is still too young to make decisions of living with Disney Dad.
If Dad had him 24/7, I bet it wouldn't be so Disney happy over there. It's horrible that DD felt inferior to DS at Dad's. What a POS Dad he is.
I know how it hurts to hear that from DS.
Yeah, I think you are lucky not to have to live with such a shallow man.
Too bad they don't show their true colors before we M and create families with them.