Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Elizablue (43208)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been doing a lot of thinking today and I want to say Thank You to all those who have helped me to become the person that I am becoming now. When I came here after finding out my stbxnpdwh cheated on me years ago I was a mess. My questions were WHY? What had I done wrong to make him cheat? Was I so unloveable that he had to turn to cyber whores? How many had he cheated on me with? But that was then.

Through my journey on this website I learned that the why's would never be answered because he would never admit that he was wrong. I began to read everything I could find about Narcissists and discovered that he had so very many of the traits. He had no empathy for the hurt he dumped on me, or for the illnesses that I was dealing with, it was all about him and the image of the good sexy wife he wanted me to maintain. I read Narcissist Lovers and I knew what he was. I read posts by Frank2010 and god did he open my eyes to what I was dealing with. He held my hand and walked me through the mine field I was in until I was able to move away from my NPD. I finally learned why my stbx raged at me and only me. I have continued to learn so much about how NPD's act that I was able to realize that a "friend" was in fact an NPD also. I cut ties with that person as soon as I saw the RED FLAGS!

There have been so many here in the NPD thread that have held my hand and talked me down off the ledge when I couldn't deal with more of his hurt and disregard. I never got a 2x4 here because everyone understood that I was so very raw and hurting. I love the people who helped me to understand that the WHY's no longer mattered because my 12 year marriage was a lie.

A very lovely man whose opinion I greatly respect told me today that I am ready to find out why I was so willing to accept what my NPD stbx did to me. It is time for me to look inside and find my WHY. I even began to see my WHY as we spoke on the phone today. I saw the little girl who was raped by her brother when she was 6, the little girl who was tortured and tormented by her brother and sister into believing that she was the dirty ugly one who MOM would beat if they told her. I remembered all the horrific beatings that I received from my mother and how I always admitted fault so my brother and sister wouldn't get beaten with the oak brush. I remember the scared little girl whose mother kept her home from all functions with the words "what will I do if I have a heart attack"?, I remember the little girl who became the "caretaker" of her own mother at 7 years old until she was 19 and moved away. I remember the little girl whose mother told her that at 9 years old she didn't need to be told she was loved. I remember the pain of being 10 and having her mothers latest boyfriend molest her. I remember the 15 year old insecure girl whose mother told her that "she was her investment and it was about damn time she paid off" and made her get two jobs while going to school full time. I remember being the little girl whose mother beat the hell out of her because she caught her finger in a car door and it was hanging on by just the front skin. I remember that her mother never took her to the doctor to get it fixed.

I was that little girl and I tried so hard to get my mother to love me that I tolerated all her abuse. I was that little girl who didn't here her mother tell her she loved her until I was 47 years old and my mother was having a lucid moment because she had dementia.

I have never discussed any of the things my mother, brother or sister did to me so I was an NPD's wet dream. I convinced myself that I was a strong, independent woman who didn't need a man and yet I got sucked dry because I was still that little girl who just wanted someone to love me.

I am now ready to deal with all of my disfunctions in order to NEVER again be that scared little girl who so desperately wants to be loved and valued. I no longer care why my stbxnpd cheated, I just want to know how to never be available to one again.

I wouldn't be anywhere close to understanding how disfunctional I am if it hadn't been for the honesty and point blank in my face posts by one of the smartest men on this board, Frank2010. So my thanks to you Frank for all your support and hand holding and bloody honesty. Without you I would have kept rug sweeping my childhood and never realized that I was rugsweeping.

And thank you to everyone else in this thread who understands the pain and torture that our NPD's put us through and understand that we all have something that they see in us that they can manipulate. You have helped me to detach and become healthy enough to see my issues so that I can fix them and be a better person. I hold you all in my heart and prayers.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They twist and manipulate, fish for information and seek sympathy. I mean, seriously? Why say anything? Why draw attention to something that should be ancient history? It's so bizarre, isn't it?

God, yes. I think it's because they don't have a reliable "compass". A reference point that tells them that their behavior is sooooo off kilter. The NPD in this case just made a total ass of himself, and he probably doesn't even realize it. I know damned good & well that he was just fishing for ego kibbles, and trying to manipulate the F.O. into talking him into continuing with the club. The F.O. saw through the manipulation, and cut throught the bullsh!t, and put an end to the manipulation. I'm just amazed that Mr. NPD is so clueless that he even put this out there. These people are bikers for gawds sake! They aren't in the habit of handling things with kid gloves.

I'll be suprised as hell if Mr. NPD is around after this little episode. Won't break my heart in the least. He's been burning bridges at an amazing rate with this group, and I'm sure he'll turn it around in his brain that it is somehow my fault. Ummmm.....nope. When directly asked, I tell the truth. Other than that, I've stuck to "no comment". He's more than capable of screwing up his life without any help from me.

I do, however, eat popcorn and drink whiskey while I watch it happen.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((soverybetrayed)))

I'm so sorry you've been hurt over and over again like that. I hope you've learned from this thread that it wasn't about you at all....it was because there were monsters in your life, and you didn't have anyone to stand up for you as a child.

NPD's are truly monsters. They are monsters walking around in people suits, trying to look normal and hoping they pass for normal until they can hook their next victim.

The things that happened to you were not your fault. I know the perpetrators tried to convince you otherwise. They lied. I hope you see that now.

I also hope there is a very special place in hell for the people that do this to a child, or to an adult. But, especially to a child.

I agree with a previous member's post....there should be a penal island, or planet, and they should all be shipped off there for eternity so they can do no more harm.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoVeryBetrayed)))

It's so simple isn't it? When we grow up not feeling loved, we are vulnerable to slick ads (Ns).

I know that "they" know that children from disfunctional/abusive families are more likely to marry/become abusers, but why is there not more intervention?

I know my childhood happened in the 70s, and I don't think anyone even thought about this (in my family anyway) back then. I wonder if (abused)kids now are getting the help they need to help stop the cycle.

Even the Ns are probably formerly abused kids. I've been reading a lot about NPD, and I can see how my N's mother, while trying to protect him from his abusive father, actually taught him that his needs don't matter. Then he stepped in to be part husband to make his moms life easier, and she engulfed him. That's where his "(secretly resentful)caretaker" persona was molded.

I didn't realize until watching the "Sylvia" movie that I had never gotten over my father's death at 10, or my mother's abandonment after. H's fear of engulfment matches my fear of abandonment.

We are like 2 pieces that fit in a very twisted puzzle.

Memory lane - sometimes it not so pretty, but a lot of the answers are there.


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
TellitLikeItIs
♀ Member
Member # 33737
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH threw a temper tantrum this morning because he didn't like a look on my face when I questioned why he had taken something of mine without asking. Mind you, I was more than polite when I asked. Ugliness spewed out of his mouth immediately ... I was a "c", a bitch ... I was causing problems, always causing problems ... he yelled, he cursed, he left.

Then he called to ask why I had not called to apologize because I should know that I'm causing all these problems right?

I managed to stay calm, not engage and let the anger blow over me. No tears, no raised voice ... simply silence.

I've been dealing with this for awhile now and it just hurts my soul. I've got to do something soon or there will be nothing left of me.

I am in IC ... I am trying to get on my feet financially (I'm a SAHM) and I know I WILL leave ... it just can't be soon enough.

He just called again ... laying blame at my feet. I cause a problem every morning, I ruin his day ... nevermind that he had a 2 year affair - that was justified by my ruining every day.

Why do these people not walk away? Why do they need to punish and hurt the "innocent"?

I'll never understand ... but I do understand this. I need to fix what's broken in me, that part of me that allows this treatment, that part of me that makes excuses and rug sweeps this terrible behaviour.

I'm so very happy I decided to read this thread this morning. I've been asking myself why all morning ... shaking my head in disbelief, trying to remove the stench of my husband's temper tantrum off me. Despite knowing that something is "off" about my WH ... his words so often hang on me like a heavy load and I find myself focusing on his terrible insults rather than being able to brush it off and KNOW that it's all a bunch of shit and a reflection of his brokenness and not mine.

I've been searching for love and validation my entire life. And recognize now that my mother was basically the same person as my spouse, if you know what I mean. Guess I've got lots of work to do ....

Thank you for listening!


Me: BS youthful 51
Him: skittle shitting unicorn 54
Married: 14 years
Blended family: 6 kids: 30,25,25,23,21,11
D-day: June 22 2011
living with trickle truth and too many D-days to count
Looks like R may be "real" this time around ...


Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Canada
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tell)))

I married my "mom" too.

Glad you found this thread. It helps so much.

Check out the articles on Shari Schreiber's website too. They helped me see the cycles we were/are going through and how the FOO issues show themselves.

http://gettinbetter.com/aboutshari.html


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
TellitLikeItIs
♀ Member
Member # 33737
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you juki.
I'm a real mess today ... like a deflated balloon.


Me: BS youthful 51
Him: skittle shitting unicorn 54
Married: 14 years
Blended family: 6 kids: 30,25,25,23,21,11
D-day: June 22 2011
living with trickle truth and too many D-days to count
Looks like R may be "real" this time around ...


Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Canada
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((((SVB))))))))))))

You are truly a brave and extraordinary woman. Looking at our histories is so difficult and so painfully necessary. You are on a path to healing what was done to you, and one that will lead you forever out of the hell you've lived. Keep looking at those things you need to until they lose their power over you, and listen to that lovely man guiding you. You are worth every ounce of love you find in your life.

I, too, came here looking for something other than what I found. Frank2010 was there for me, and you, my dear, are the one who sent me to him. I can never thank you enough for that. Frank held my hand, too, and walked me through the fear and doubt. His encouragement was enough to bring me to where I am today, less than two months after coming back here. I owe both of you a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid.

The journey you are on is the same as mine. I am looking at my history and seeing my WHY, too. I won't write it today, but it's coming. I see what led me to being such a perfect supply for my NPD's, and I am working to end that in every way.

Today, I have coffee with my BFF, then start my bank account. I am on my way to getting free, and will be able, finally, to have peace. My journey has taken me in a direction I never expected, never wanted, and never thought possible. But with the love and support of you SVB, Frank, and so many others here, I am on my way to freedom.

(((((((Tribe))))))) My hope for each person in our tribe is peace, love and happiness. For those still not sure, not able or not ready... keep going. We can all make it, and we all deserve it. Keep going into the sunshine. We've been in NPD shadowland far too long.

ETA: Well, friend had to cancel till tomorrow, but I'm still ready to do what I need to in order to start my process.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 2:22 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TellitLikeItIs,
Im so sorry you're having such a bad day. I found myself shuddering as I read through your post.

I remember only too well the shock and horror I felt when witnessing my NPDXH fly into one of his fits. It was like watching a 3 year old throw a temper tantrum, only this was a grown man over six feet tall screaming, spitting and crying. And my God, the name calling....and his fits too were over something either insignificant or accidental. One time i was backing his pick-up to hook it to a trailer. He was standing back by the hitch helping guide me. When i got into position, I got out to help hook up the trailer brakes, the lights, put the jack up, etc. As i left the pick-up, I left the engine running and shut the door. I didn't get 3 steps back and he had launched into a screaming fit I will never forget. (a little background) Since he was NPD and totally paranoid and because this was before most vehicles are equipped with anti theft systems, he had an after market one installed which was the most obnoxious thing I've ever seen. Aparently if the engine is running, the doors locked, no matter if it was in gear or not. Did I know this? No. Did he tell me about it before I backed the truck up? (because he couldn't back up straight to save his life) No. And it was very "unmanly" to allow a woman to drive your truck. So he was already upset. So as soon as I shut that door, he came flying out from behind the truck and was screaming like a lunatic. It was unbelievable.

I was so upset, I ended up walking three miles to my grandfather's to get help. Then, just like yours he insisted that i apologize to HIM because i could have damaged his precious truck.

The backwards, crazy making bullshit of these loons is just so off the charts, isnt it? And then after they hurt you so badly by hurling all the horrible names and accusations, they call. And if you're like me, you were probably thinking, "Oh maybe he's going to apologize." Instead he DEMANDS one from you.

You're just left standing there shredded to bits going, "WTF?"

[This message edited by sadtoo at 3:40 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree, the fits are like watching a child. It's much scarier, though, when it's a full-grown man who is twice your size/strength. It's so hard to deal with them, and so frustrating.

Mine does those things, too. Goes off over very little things, then expects me to apologize. That worked for years, because I had no idea what I was up against. I can't count the number of times I said I was sorry for HIS problem.

One day, before I found out who he really is, I told him, "I'm sick of apologizing for things all the time. You don't apologize for the things you do; it's always ME. I'm done saying I'm sorry for things that aren't my fault." I was scared to the core to say it, but I did it anyway. Of course, he got sullen and angry.

Later, that day or the next, he got mad about some stupid thing, then came and apologized after. Then stood there waiting for my apology. He didn't get one... and stopped apologizing for a long time.

Every once in a while, he will apologize and wait for me to do it, too. I just shrug my shoulders or mumble something. Guess he thinks that's enough. And maybe it's risky, but I am tired of the fear of not toeing the line. Could be I'm just burned out by all the years of stupid crap.

ETA: Sorry I didn't respond earlier. I'm kind of in a funk after my friend had to cancel, so I've been kind of feeling sorry for myself, I suppose. (((((((Tell)))))))

[This message edited by SoHurt at 4:33 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Must be that time of the month... mine started with me early this morning...

A few weeks ago, I e-mailed him with two events for our daughter, which were February 28 and 29. He complained that he wanted more details because all they had was the date and time. He didn't show (duh!) So this morning, I hear from him before 8 am...

AH: What time is Lola's thing today?
Me: Oh, you mean the thing that happened two days ago? The one that I sent you the e-mail of directly from my calendar?
AH: I can't open those e-mails; don't send them to me anymore.
Me: You complained about them having only the date and time on them, but whatever. Do you want to do a shared calendar?
AH: I don't do calendars.

*crickets*

About 10:30...
AH: Your CS check is ready. In the future, I'll put it in the mail.
Me: What time will you leave it with the receptionist today?
AH: 11:00. We need to come up with a better way of getting it to you.

*crickets*

11:05...
AH: I forgot to give it to the receptionist. I'll be back at 12:00.

*crickets*

2:30...
AH: Your CS check has been there since 12:30. I need the weekend of the 24 free. How do you want to handle it.

I went pick up the check, and until I feel like I can text the asshole civilly, I'm not saying anything to him. That may take a while


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did way better than I would have, veritas. GOOD for YOU!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your kinds words. SoHurt, I had no idea that I directed you to Frank but I am so very happy that he could help you too. He is a man who had dealt with his whys and come out a stronger person.

When I wrote about my childhood it was really odd because I felt nothing, absolutely nothing, putting it out for everyone to read. But last night I got a killer migraine and now I wonder if it is because I won't allow myself to feel the true pain and horror of my childhood? Am I keeping it bottled up and it comes out in severe debilitating migraines? I just don't know. All I know is that today I feel exhausted, physically and emotionally drained.

So many horrific things happened in my childhood and teen years that I could write a best seller on how to survive an NPD abusive Mother. I had never, before yesterday, considered that my mother was NPD. But she was, the world revolved around her, she never wanted children and told us so, she abused us mentally and physically, she took me to bars at 14 and let a grown man get me drunk and almost rape me. She blamed it on me and beat the hell out of me. She was such a rotten parent yet no one ever thought to take her kids away from her. I grew up in the 60's and back then no one got involved if a child went to school with bruises all over their body.

My father was a non entity. I hated him for what he was and refused to see him besides he denied I was his kid cause I didn't look like him. My mother always told me that I was an accident that made her stay married longer than she wanted to. My entire family was so disfunctional that I couldn't wait to get out of my home state and change my last name.

I believe that I was so lost, scared and desparate for love that I made many many mistakes with men and in my life. The one good thing I did was I promised myself that I would "break the cycle" of abuse. I never hit my daughter growing up because I refused to be like my mother. She taught me what a bad mother was so I always did the opposite of what she would have done.

I know that the path I will soon go down will be extremely painful and shameful but I pray that I come out the other side as good a person as Frank2010 became. I don't want to grow old alone but I won't settle ever again. I know that I have never loved myself because when I hear that I think "what the hell does that mean"?

For those of you who think that what I am say is bull crap, please look at your past relationships and see if there were other NPDs you were with. My mother called them "bantam roosters" but they were NPDs. I have been married to 3 NPDs but didn't realize it until I was ready to look inside and find out why they were drawn to me. Each of us has something in our past that makes us prime meat to an NPD. It won't be easy and it won't be fun but if you want to stay clear of NPDs then you have to look deep inside yourself and find your WHYS!

For all who are still living with an NPD, please please please find a way out soon before they become violent and hurt you or you lose yourself forever. There are so many of us here who will hold your had as you walk the path to freedom.

Prayers and Peace to us all.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SVB, yes, you did, and I am so glad!

I had a horribly abusive childhood, too... that was what those 8 years of therapy were about. I can identify at least 4 NPD's in my past relationships.

If you want my honest opinion, yes, your migraines are the outlet for the pain you are refusing to feel. It has to go somewhere.

You said you felt nothing writing all that. Well, you did, but you are suppressing it. I did the same thing. When we do that, we force other things to happen instead. It is perfectly common, but you are going to have to deal with the issues themselves in order to end that. It isn't healthy to keep it bottled up, and it will eventually hurt you in more ways. That pain needs OUT. I know that's where you're going, and I'm proud of you for taking the next steps.

The things you endured can be dealt with. It will be painful, you will feel shame, guilt and probably other things. But it will be so worth it to break the cycle, to break the chains. Because as you said... it is those issues from our histories that brought NPD's into our lives. To get out from under that, you must walk this path through hell.

You're in good hands... and please feel free to PM me anytime you want to talk about things. We are in the same place, and headed in the same direction.

(((((((SVB)))))))

To everyone else, SVB is right... you MUST find out WHY you are so useful to your NPD's. Just learning to spot them is not enough. You have to heal what's broken in yourself. It's that brokenness that attracts them like moths to light.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 12:03 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my "WHY" I was attractive and attracted to STBX(mild)NPD is pretty vanilla and boring. Not much of a story at all. My parents were not effusive people. Not many spontaneous hugs and I Love Yous from either one growing up. My dad didn't know what to do with child/teenager Nell and I was close to my mom anyway... so my dad was completely hands off with me, leading teenaged me to truly believe that he did not love me. (He does, totally... always did.) I was a painfully thin girl and never felt attractive. I wasn't made a pariah or anything, don't get me wrong... I had friends of both genders, went to parties, etc. Just not one of The Pretty Ones. So when boys/men rushed the "you're so great, I love you, lets live together, lets get married" talk (as defines a certain type of NPD/General Loser), I fell for it Every. Single. Time. And then, being both loyal and unsure of my worth, I stayed regardless of how I was being treated.

Simple, like I said. I just have to be on guard so I don't fall for it again! Not so simple, I fear.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, I'm really glad to hear you have a less complex why than SVB and I do.

Now, to avoid them... that part isn't easy, either, is it? I'm afraid of finding a really slick one. This one isn't really slick, he just got his hands on me when I was most vulnerable, and kept me that way. I'm working on fixing my why... but I'm scared of ever trying to get into a relationship again.

Maybe, in time, that will pass. Who knows?


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt,
Thanks. The dumb thing is that I'm so logical about everything... when the insta-bonds were vocalized, I realized they were ridiculous, but went along with it anyway, because it felt so good to be luuuuuurved. Bleah.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..... you MUST find out WHY you are so useful to your NPD's. Just learning to spot them is not enough. You have to heal what's broken in yourself. It's that brokenness that attracts them like moths to light.

I don't agree with this.

There is not always something "broken" in you that attracts the NPD. In fact, most of the time it is the complete opposite.

The N is the "broken" one and he sees in YOU what he lacks. He is seeing the GOODNESS and the empathy and the humanity that you posess and he lacks. He sees these things in you and is envious. He wants to be a part of that. He wants to BECOME what your are, what you have.

This is why in the beginning, things seem so wonderful with an NPD. They mold their personality to "fit" yours. They manipulate themselves to appear to be your perfect match. There is nothing "wrong" with you. You have simply been targeted.

The "whys" can be anything. In my case he wanted to be around horses. To others, it could be your particular hobby, maybe you have a have a certain "look" he finds attractive, or you come from the "right" family, or you're a good cook, or a good dancer, or have blue eyes. What ever trips his trigger. It's HIS why.

Think about it. You are not the person today you were when you first met your NPD. You have been beat down, shredded of your former self and abused.

This doesn't happen right away. It's not like he takes you out to dinner on the first date, has you hold his keys and when you can't find them right away, launches into an NPD meltdown calling you every filthy name in the book, right? If that were the case, I'm willing to bet each and everyone of us would have kicked the jackass to the curb right then!

This is a gradual, methodical form of abuse. It's text book. It's brainwashing. Your "why" is because you've been living with an been abused by a monster!

This is why many victims of NPD's describe feeling sucked dry emotionally. They have given all they can and have nothing left. The NPD is an emotional vampire.

I'm not minimizing that some of you have had horrific childhoods that may predispose you to abusive relationships. And this may be part of the reason you stay longer than you should, but not the reason you got into the relationship to begin with.

As to the "why" this happened to you or why the NPD did this, you can bang your head against the wall for the next 20 years and never understand. NPD's are crazy making lunatics. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 3:31 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is not always something "broken" in you that attracts the NPD. In fact, most of the time it is the complete opposite.

The N is the "broken" one and he sees in YOU what he lacks. He is seeing the GOODNESS and the empathy and the humanity that you posess and he lacks. He sees these things in you and is envious. He wants to be a part of that. He wants to BECOME what your are, what you have.

This is why in the beginning, things seem so wonderful with an NPD. They mold their personality to "fit" yours. They manipulate themselves to appear to be your perfect match. There is nothing "wrong" with you. You have simply been targeted.

The "whys" can be anything. In my case he wanted to be around horses. To others, it could be your particular hobby, maybe you have a have a certain "look" he finds attractive, or you come from the "right" family, or you're a good cook, or a good dancer, or have blue eyes. What ever trips his trigger. It's HIS why.

Think about it. You are not the person today you were when you first met your NPD. You have been beat down, shredded of your former self and abused.

Yup. I have SOOOO much healing to do. My confidence is shot. Still.

This doesn't happen right away. It's not like he takes you out to dinner on the first date, has you hold his keys and when you can't find them right away, launches into an NPD meltdown calling you every filthy name in the book, right? If that were the case, I'm willing to bet each and everyone of us would have kicked the jackass to the curb right then!

Yup. Family loved him, his long term friends loved him, my friends (mostly) loved him. He maintained the facade for a while. But a big part of that was because we weren't married yet. His acting like I was a possession started immediately after the wedding. There were signs of it before but because they were slips on his part, they weren't noticed. After? Big time. He now felt that his behavior was correct and justified. Part of that too was because before the wedding he was still reeling me in. After? I'm Christian so I didn't think divorce was an option. So... no more reason for him to keep me reeled in. I was doing that all by myself.

Of course, the NPD signs were there.... I just didn't pay as much attention as I should have. Was this because I wanted to see the best in people? Always? I think that was a big part of it. I knew that I was looking for someone forever but I let my guard down. He had the credentials (Intervarsity president, well respected by many local adults and his peers - or at least by the ones who talked to me - and so on. He'd done the things to get people to give him his accolades and that was what I'd been seeing. Not the other things. Add in that he was even then undermining me in front of my friends.... it was subtle. I think if I'd lived closer to my family, I'd have seen things sooner/easier but I didn't. There were warning flags but I ignored them at the time. It was easy to do.

This is a gradual, methodical form of abuse. It's text book. It's brainwashing. Your "why" is because you've been living with an been abused by a monster!

It was VERY methodical. Including redefining words like forgiveness. To him, this was erasing all wrongs. It's not. I found out after I left that this is removing the bitterness from my heart (to keep it from hurting me more) but still holding him responsible for his behavior and the consequences. If I don't forgive, and the bitterness eats at me, that's my fault because now I'm hurting myself. I'd rather keep the blame firmly where it belongs - on him!

This is why many victims of NPD's describe feeling sucked dry emotionally. They have given all they can and have nothing left. The NPD is an emotional vampire.

Yup. He was and still is. And since he can't get the positive, he's seeking the negative.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, sadtoo, thank you. TARGETED. That is exactly right.

I had the respectability, the support your spouse, raise the children mindset that he wanted to project to the world. I came from parents who had a long term marriage (51 years and still married!) I gave him every reason to believe I would stay in a marriage "despite problems" that marriage was forever and worth fighting for.

There was nothing broken in me. I had a three year relationship in college with a boy who developed a drinking problem. I had done the hard work of addressing the co-dependency and had healed and become EXTREMELY independent and shrewd.

I can't decide if this made him play his act harder or was simply another layer of the challenge to target ME specifically.

We were together 2 years before marriage. There were some slips in the months before the wedding. I considered calling it all off, but the pressure after wedding invitations go out??? I was the right age and "ready" to enter adulthood with my own house and adult life and responsibilities. (if only I could go back to that time!)

Then the first year of marriage was AWFUL. He thought he had me because I married him, remember? I told him I was leaving 11 months into the marriage. It was devastating to me. I felt like a failure. But I knew that we did not have a partnership. I suspect he cheated that year.

After I told him I was leaving he begged, cried, agreed to counseling. (He had declared counseling to be hookus pocus bullshit and something he would NEVER do so I viewed this as a huge concession and proof of how much he wanted to save the marriage.)

He did want to save the marriage. It had nothing to do with me.

And how clever this played out? We saw a MC together and then separately one visit a piece. He reported that she told him to leave me immediately. Added things she said I had shared with her that supported her reasoning. I was furious at the level of incompetence and irresponsibility of such a play!!! See? we were now united against a common enemy and I had the added incentive to prove the MC wrong. So clever... We never saw that MC again. I think she was a pawn.

We saw a second MC together for two sessions and Stretch was the perfect student and espoused desire to remain married at all costs. Wide eyed tell me what to do to "make it up to her." I got the "be patient" and "don't parent" or fall into my teacher role.

The marriage improved almost overnight.

I was cautious though. We waited four more years before having children. I was looking to see if the marriage was viable. I saw NO more red flags during this time.

Of course kids were the anchor that Stretch was waiting for. I was now a SAHM and financially dependent, isolated, and completely absorbed with the babies and even more conditioned to remain married "for the kids."

The rest of the story is fairly classic. Same tune, different verse.

It was NOT my brokenness that attracted the NPD.

What attracts us to them? They are a beautiful poisonous flower. They are charming and often highly intelligent. Life of the party. Successful short term, or long term if they have enough power/autonomy.

Remember the frog in the boiling water analogy. None of us jumped into boiling water. The heat was turned up gradually.

ETA: welcome irrelevancy! thank you for sharing.

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 10:11 AM, March 3rd (Saturday)]


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.