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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh don't get me wrong, the blame is squarely on my stbx's head. He is the one who was abusive to me and drug me down the path of "no self esteem". He is the one who choose to cheat instead of being "all in" the marriage. Everything that led to this divorce is on his shoulders.

But I questions WHY did I allow it and WHY did I stay for 12 years? WHY did it take seeing him with his arm around another woman for me to "get it"? WHY did it take him deserting me while I was very ill for me to "wake the F up" and demand to be treated better?

I know that for some you feel there is no WHY for you and I pray for your future sake that you are 100% correct, but for me there is a flashing RED WHY hanging over my head. I have never dealt with the past of my childhood and this qualifies me to be prime meat for an NPD. I don't feel confident, strong or independent. I still feel lost, unwanted, and alone. I have a pattern of jumping into relationships too soon. For me there will be a lot of soul searching, hand wringing, crying, and pain as I deal with the abuse my mother bestowed upon me. I can't confront her because I have no idea if she is still living (family won't tell me). But what good would that do anyway? She has/had dementia the last time I spoke to her. Was my mother an NPD? Yes and she created two more in my brother and sister. I wonder what made is so that I am not one, what did I do to keep from becoming her?

How do I know that I am not NPD you may ask? Well, because my marriage to my stbx was the FIRST time I really fell in love. Lucky me, I fall head over heels in love with my mother (figuratively please). I also know that I am not one because of the deep love that I feel for my grandchild and all the times that I have taken her in and raised her. It breaks my heart that her mom can't see the wonderful loving child she is. I feel empathy toward others who are in pain and I try to help. So I while I am not an NPD, I am vulnerable to them.

I know that I have always been searching for the love that my mother and father never gave me. For 27 years I did everything to get my mother to love me, until I finally gave up on her. My father was never around so I never knew what a good father was or what a good marriage was. I searched for the elusive love in all the wrong people because they were quick to profess love and it fed my NEED.

While I have always prided myself on being a strong, independent woman who didn't need a man, I know realize that inside I was still the scared unloved, unwanted child seeking the love my FOO never gave me. I excused the crappy behavior of my stbx because I really loved him and thought that it would get better. I gave him my heart and soul and yes he tore it to shreads. That was my fault because he wasn't worthy of my love, trust and I should never have given him the ability to devasted me so badly.

I no longer hate him or want him back, I just want him gone. He has moved on to his next supply and has left me alone (thank god). I do still fear he will try to physically harm me because NO ONE and I mean NO ONE screws him over. He believes he his better than GOD.

I will spend the next 6 months or a year to fix myself and move on to a better life. Maybe I will find a "whole" man someday but if not I will at least be happy with myself.

Again I wish you nothing but the best in this life whether you find your why or not. Peace and LOVE to all in this NPD Hell.

ETA: This tribe has lost a vital memeber and it is a sad sad day for all of us who he helped with his wisdom. He may have been "in your face" with his delivery but he gave so much of himself in order to help those of us who were starting this journey out of NPD hell. I pay tribute to the man who saved me from suicide and who has helped me to understand what NPD really is about. I miss you Frank2010.

[This message edited by soverybetrayed at 10:24 AM, March 3rd (Saturday)]


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I can admit that perhaps some fall into the "frog in boiling water" analogy. I do not.

For myself, I WAS broken, am MORE broken, and that IS why I ended up here. Today is the 10th anniversary of my joining SI. I am here because I married another NPD, (my 2nd NPD husband, 4th NPD relationship,) and it was the broken part of me that brought them into my life.

My childhood left me with no self-esteem, no "power" and no ability to tell bullsh*t from fact. I was ripe for the picking for an NPD.

I had one brave moment when I divorced the first one, and that was a mama bear thing. He beat me in front of my one year old son, who was terrified... which reminded me very forcefully of watching my mother be beaten. That was what it took for me to end 5 years of beatings and other abuse, as well as at least one affair. He could have beaten me for years, as long as the kids never saw it. That was his mistake.. and the only way I found the strength to get out.

Then I ended up with this one. He knew how to control me easily, because he knew my history. He was a psych major when we got together. He knew the ins and outs of manipulating me very well. He learned my history by "interviewing" me for a class project. I fell into position and toed the line. He also knew that, because I'd "failed" in my first marriage, I was more likely to keep this one, because I didn't want to be like my mom.

With no self-esteem, no power, it wasn't hard to push me down further. Yes, it's insidious, and slow... but I was broken before they came along.

That's how I see my life unfolded. When you are broken to begin with, it's just easier for them to get a hold on you and keep you there. And maybe that's the difference between those who stay long-term, and those who leave after a few years or months. Maybe there's a spectrum for the abused as well as the NPD.

ETA: (((((((SVB))))))) You said it MUCH better than I did.

And I miss Frank, too. He brought so much to this forum, and it's truly sad that he cannot be here to share anymore. What a loss to future members.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 10:47 AM, March 3rd (Saturday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This forum is really starting to get off track. And while I feel very deep sympathy and sorrow for you both (SoVeryBetrayed and SoHurt) and your recent revelations about your childhoods, there seems to be much more going on here than being married to an NPD. This forum is for victims of NPD. And while you may be in marriages with very abusive men who could be labeled NPD, maybe they are abusive men with narcissistic traits, not the full blown disorder.

To me (my opinion only) these situations seem to be long term abuse stemming from childhood that have carried into your adult lives.

I have to say something about Frank. Did any of you read his profile before he changed it? I'm guessing not, or I'm sure your opinion of him would be quite different that what's being expressed here.

He would dish out his "advice" and then when it came to his own situation he would do exactly the opposite of his own advice. Why?

I have seen him all over this board. He has been argumentative and "in your face" with lots of members causing all sorts of problems in several of the forums.

Then he just seemed to land here. Why? I think because he found lots of praise, lots of adoration, and validation.

I also find it really creepy that he has taken his "advice" to a more personal level (than on the board) by reaching out personally to the most wounded members on this board. I find that REALLY creepy.

Frank is gone for a reason, I'm sure for several reasons. I've been here for a long time and I have NEVER seen someone banned who didn't get SEVERAL warnings about their behavior before they got the boot.

There's another one for you. I guess he thought the rules didn't apply to him.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 1:25 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: This tribe has lost a vital memeber and it is a sad sad day for all of us who he helped with his wisdom. He may have been "in your face" with his delivery but he gave so much of himself in order to help those of us who were starting this journey out of NPD hell. I pay tribute to the man who saved me from suicide and who has helped me to understand what NPD really is about. I miss you Frank2010.


soverybetrayed...

Frank is no longer a member not because he was "in your face" but because he violated 9 (NINE) forum guidelines. It has nothing to do with his opinion, experience or anything else except his lack of following the sites guidelines.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192049 | Registered: May 2002
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel very deep sympathy and sorrow for you both (SoVeryBetrayed and SoHurt) and your recent revelations about your childhoods, there seems to be much more going on here than being married to an NPD.

thank you for saying this sadtoo. I feel the same way, but I find a lack of I CAN RELATE for this ICR forum and it has caused me to stumble.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Question  Posted: 1:49 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to get into a discussion about Frank. That's really not why I'm here. I'm not trying to be argumentative, either. I have reasons for being in this forum.

I'm here because of my husband, who is most likely NPD, and what he's done and is still doing to me. I'm here because he fits the profile so closely that it terrified me to face that. I'm here to learn more, and to get support from anyone who's gone through similar things - and have heard repeatedly from MANY that he sounds like an NPD. I'll never know for sure, because they don't like to be diagnosed.

If he is not full-blown NPD, and just has traits, does that mean I should not be here to find out more? I'm asking honestly. If I shouldn't be in this forum, where should I be?

I'm trying to be gentle, here... I was also basically told not to talk about my possible NPD (full-blown or traits,) and what he was doing. After which I heard that his moves were classic NPD.

I was indirectly told to hurry up and get out of this mess. My personal situation is that I am: way below poverty level, living in a rural area, disabled so that I can't even walk to the top of the hill, isolated with not much in the way of people who can or will help me, have no car or phone, and am faced with a very abusive, probably NPD WH. All this combined makes it very difficult to get out of the situation. I am not making excuses, I am stating facts. The things I face on a daily basis are the reason I'm here.

If I should be somewhere else, just tell me. As I said, I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I am confused as to why my situation is not right for this forum. I'll stop posting here, if it's not where I belong.

these situations seem to be long term abuse stemming from childhood that have carried into your adult lives.

And as such, make me a perfect NPD target. My history is not the reason I need out of this marriage, or why I need support, but I feel it is very important as a reason for me making such a great target.

ETA: When the list of symptoms was posted again the other day, I tallied it up... My WH has 54 of the 60. 54.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 2:35 PM, March 3rd (Saturday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And as such, make me a perfect NPD target. My history is not the reason I need out of this marriage, or why I need support, but I feel it is very important as a reason for me making such a great target.

Who told you this? Or where did you get this information? How does you being abused as a child make you such a "great target" for an NPD? I have never heard this before reading it here.

Nobody said you don't belong here. I can only speak for myself, and i have offered you advice. I understand your situation. However, you are living with your son who has offered to throw your WS out of the house and allow you to continue living there. Is this an ideal solution? No. But it gets you away from your abuser and provides you a place to live that is not a shelter.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who Does A Narcissist Target?
The popular opinion that narcissists target weak, desperate women/men is false.

Narcissists are looking to feed their ego, consequently they search for attractive women/men that would be considered by others to be a real “prize”, or “trophy”. He has no respect for weakness and no interest in someone just “anyone” could get. Someone desperate might provide temporary NS until someone worthy of his attention comes along, but they will be tossed aside quickly as soon as he does.

The narcissist must believe other people are envious of his ability to get a “quality” partner. Consequently, this is why they come on so strong in the beginning; they provide their target with romance like nothing they have ever experienced before and why so many victims say he seemed “too good to be true”.

Once the narcissist picks his target he will stop at nothing and do anything to make her his. The bigger the challenge, the harder he works and bigger narcissistic supply when he succeeds.

The ultimate ego boost is to make a totally independent, self sufficient, strong woman dependent solely on him. Once he has her he immediately starts to subtly whittle away at her confidence. If she dumps him it only challenges him to try harder; every time he can convince her to take him back or accept one of his lies is another shot of NS.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I'll explain my position.

I had a home, was self-sufficient, (even though it was welfare,) and had things of value that had belonged to my gramma. (He often tried to sell those things over the years.)

I also had no self-esteem, so when he rode in as a KISA, I gave him adulation, praise and all my love. I gave him everything I had, including forgiveness for his abuse and for losing the house I'd bought at 22.

More of the quote you posted goes as follows:

"There is no way of predicting who a narcissist will target, but it is predictably women or men raised by a narcissist who will tolerate the intolerable the longest once they are hooked by the narcissist.

As in my case, having grown up with a narcissist father and then in my teens being sexually abused by a narcissist I had gone through years of counseling and never let my guard down with any man I met and rarely gave second chances; and I protected my independence ferociously."

Further down:

"But it takes special training to tolerate that kind of abuse and I had a lot of training as a child in stifling my emotions and walking on eggshells. And JC was right; he was way worse than my dad."

(Emphasis mine.) THIS is what I'm talking about. I, too, was fiercely independent, though lacking in self-esteem. The two can co-mingle. I've posted before about dissociating and stuffing my emotions. This is what made me a target.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found Frank's response to my first post on this thread to be insensitive when he found it to be hilarious.

It made me hesitant to post after that. I changed my mind later and posted anyway. I just didn't pay much attention to his future posts.

I don't think it matters WHY we are married to NPD spouses, whether they chose us for our strengths or our weaknesses.

We are here for support because we're married to one. If, as our awareness grows, we find it helpful to address FOO issues, then that is a good thing.

It's a process, and we're all different. We all have our own way of dealing with things and facing who we are, what we're made of, and what our breaking points are.

It is up to us to see the strength and weakness in each other on this board and help each other work on them, to the benefit of our lives.

Shari Schreiber does in fact suggest that previous psychic damage can attract an NPD spouse. Her articles have been incredibly thought-provoking to myself AND my H.

I'm a strong woman, independent, own a biz, I love a challenge, I take risks that pay off, I'm smart, intuitive, high EQ and IQ, but drop hints that you might want to leave me (H), and my abandonment issues have (had) me scrambling to not break those egg shells.

For me, it only took that one issue, and he learned fast that he could push that button whenever he wanted me back on track.

Yes, I am an eternal optimist, singing while I walk, and his moroseness fed on that like all NPD spouses will. That was because learned to adapt FAST as a child. Get over the pain and put on a happy face.

So I guess I am saying that they want our optimism, and to suck us dry, but our previous (in my case and I suspect many others) conditioning makes us very good at bouncing back - until we can't, and then we arrive here...

Love and HUGS, Juki.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:57 PM, March 3rd (Saturday)]


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came to this "I Can Relate" thread on NPD because I had read "Nacissist Lover" and it helped me to see a lot of my stbx's traits and explain his rages at me. I have also been to a psychologist who stated she felt he had 85% of the narcissist traits and I went to a IC who said he was a Narcissist/Sociopath.

I came here to discuss what my stbxnpdwh did to me and to try to understand why he did it and why I allowed it. I do not believe that because I disagree with someone as to what was wrong in me having caused me to be an NPD's wet dream should cause me to not post here. I have been very respectful of those who feel there were no issues with them before they married their NPD. In fact, I have wished everyone peace.

I wished that others would be just as open minded to my beliefs. This is the NPD thread and I have been participating for quite a while. I do not want to cause issues but nor do I want to be told that because I am looking into what was wrong with me will force me to be no longer welcome here. We are all individuals who have our own beliefs, so do the "experts" on NPD. I am just vocalizing something that I believe caused me to be set up for my stbxnpdwh to latch on to me.

We have a saying here to take what you want and leave the rest. I think that is what we should all do regarding whether or not our FOO issues or former marriages set us up for an NPD. I am not trying to be hurtful or mean, just want all of us to post here freely and respect one another's thoughts.

Leaving an NPD spouse is never easy and just because you do walk away from one doesn't mean that it is over. I still have to deal with mine until we are divorced. It is my hope to not get hit by any 2x4s because my thoughts differ from someone elses. I come here for support and to support others. I do not make determinations about what someone posts and it relevancy to the thread. I try to be understanding and reach out to help them on their journey out of NPD land.

If I should not be part of this thread any longer because I believe that my FOO issues set me up to be prime meat for my NPD then I will leave but it will be with a heavy heart.

I wish everyone peace and happiness on whatever journey they choose to take to get safe and happy again.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soverybetrayed...

Please do not leave this thread or the site.

I have to be honest...I don't know anything about NPD, but if you feel this is what you're dealing with then this thread should be a source of comfort and support for you all


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192049 | Registered: May 2002
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe the reasons for being attractive to an NPD are varied. Like another member said previously, it could have been anything. It could have been he needed your compassion, your integrity, your nurturing, your money, your looks, your hobby/interest, in my case because I lived in the city, the colour of your eyes.

The reasons why we were attracted to the NPD are easy IMO. Because they studied us and knew what we wanted. They romanced us off our feet. They charmed us and charmed our friends and family. They were everything we ever wanted .. at the start.


It's valid to question the WHY because it opens the door to healing whether it be healing from an NPD relationship and/or childhood abuse/trauma.

Childhood abuse could contribute to the reason some people stay in an NPD relationship because tolerating abuse was their 'normal'.

Some of us stayed because we ended up dependant on them. Some stayed because their self esteem was now rock bottom. Some of us stayed because we had become addicted to the rollercoaster ride and forgot what a life without chaos felt like.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a re-post from thread #9, by Chrysalis123, with her permission. I was reading that thread last night, and though it should be posted again.

We are not real to NPD's. Only they are real. I love the Teddy Bear analogy from Patricia Evan's book "Controlling People.
The TEDDY BEAR SYNDROME
Every abuser of other human beings is in a fundamental respect CHILDISH, because abusers have only a sense of POWER OVER and control of others, and have not matured into the self-actualization of PERSONAL POWER -- which always arises from within, with integrity, honesty, individual creativity, secure within oneself, and therefore in no need to have any POWER OVER others, but rather seeking to cooperate with the PERSONAL POWER of equally valued others, valued for their inherent human dignity.

So, in the Teddy Bear Syndrome, the little boy has found an initially "beloved"little toy/friend. Teddy is always there for him, she gives him much needed comfort, hugs, and she always understands him. He believes Teddy always knows his needs, his desires, and always silently approves as all good Teddies do. Teddy alwasy loves to sleep with him. And he never has to explain himself to Teddy, because Teddy must just "know" without words how to read his mind.

Evans says this is the general state of the mind of an abuser in the first flush of being "in love" -- and he may be all sweetness and light and full of (ultimately shallow) compliments for "his woman" (Teddy).

Ultimately, as all children do, after the first flush of excitement with a new toy, the little boy walks away to do other things, to play with other toys, or enjoy life by himself. He expects to come back and find Teddy right where he left her, and pick up right where everything left off. He didn't bother to think about her when he was gone, why would he? Teddy can read his mind anyway, and anticipate his every need when he comes home.

Well, as we all know, women are not really TEDDY BEARS. They are REAL. And inevitably, Teddy will "talk back." The first reaction may well be one of shock -- "What??!? Why is my Teddy Bear talking back to me?" He will then ignore her; as, of course, she's not REAL (in another book, Evans uses a different metaphor, the "Dream Woman," the impossible unreal but demanded ideal who lives in his head, and which he projects onto the woman in his world).

What happens when a real woman keeps insisting she is REAL? Anger, fury. "How dare she? She doesn't respect that only **I** am real and worthy of respect?" And he may even attempt to beat the stuffing out of Teddy to force her to submit. Why, his exploitation of her is just as natural and "right" as a child's natural "exploitation" of ANY toy.

The question for all of us victims is this:

Why did we allow ourselves to be treated like that? What can we do to have healthy boundaries, self respect, self care, and the ability to say "HELL NO!"

Thanks, Chrysalis, for letting me bring this back.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, March 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This forum is really starting to get off track.

Acoording to which gospel?

I've read quite an extensive amount on NPD, and feel that the discussion here needs to be as eclectic and catholic as possible - e.g. most psychiatrists and psychologists have trouble with the diagnostics - the point is, the sharing of information, and disinformation, can be very educative and cathartic.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, March 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is kind of 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. If you feel that examining your personal issues will help you to avoid NPDs, then by all means do so.

However, I can say that I've done quite a fair bit of navelgazing to reconstruct my self and my self esteem. It has helped me to pick up the pieces and move on. Those lessons, however, have nothing to do with changing fundamental man-picking patterns. How an NPD acts on his or her worst day is not how they present themselves when they're trying to impress you. THAT is what would be more helpful in avoiding an NPD. I've seen many times where people have gotten themselves together, they are self-aware, educated, Medicated, and therapied. They pronounce themselves ready to move on and pick up the exact same person. Why? Because they are looking for a loud, abusive, screaming SOB. They forget how this person was in the beginning. That's the real danger in focusing only on yourself. When I finally shed myself of mine for good, I felt relief. I felt so much better. It took me 80 times to do it, but now that I'm in the light, that charming, outgoing, understanding personality makes me ill because I understand what's beneath it. Looking out for people who show you who they are immediately is not and never has been an issue. It's falling for the same lie in a different package.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, March 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking back, my N has chosen to file for D in a state extremely favorable to him. He knows I am not in good health but it does not bother him in the least.
He is a creep and the vilest creature who has destroyed the lives of 2 women (I spoke at length to his XW) & possibly more...not to mention men.
He only cares about himself.
I hope I can find a skilled atty experienced with NPD.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, March 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acoording to which gospel

Gospel?

I just didn't want to see the forum continue with the "wonderful Frank" tone. I think we need to respect the decisions of the board and move on.

I'm not claiming to be an "expert" on anything. Except maybe raising horses.

They forget how this person was in the beginning. That's the real danger in focusing only on yourself.

That's all I'm trying to say. An NPD will choose ANY type of person. Their likes and dislikes differ as much as yours and mine. Just the same as our backgrounds.

So like someone else said. With this thread as with others. Take what you want and leave the rest. If you don't like what I say, leave it.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, March 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my H and I have been in a prolonged stand-off for the last month. It started with my therapist taking me back to H's affair (I was 7 months pregnant) over 24 years ago, a time when I was not the self-made confident woman I am today. We separated and I gave our baby girl up for adoption.

I did not get remorse, care, or support from him when we "reconciled" a couple months later. I suppressed all of my grief for the next 18 or so years. First, because I truly had no-where to go, and then because of our son, and because in my "altered state", we actually managed to have fun as a family. But of course, for me, there was always something missing. A big giant SORRY.

Fast forward to 5 years ago, and he started raging at me constantly. Everything in the world was my fault. It has been a bitter time for me. I tried everything to get through to him. I knew he hated himself, and that his guilt had a direct or indirect impact on his anger.

So off I finally go to a therapist a couple of months ago, and she worked through quite a few things with me. But when she brought up the adoption, and how he abandoned me, it changed me. I thought about how I could stay with him, and crazy as it sounds, I realized that the only thing that would make me even CONSIDER staying with this rager was if he faced himself, took down the walls, was honest, and fucking CRIED! Otherwise, to me he was just an abuser that I was going to divorce.

During this process I realized that I love him deeply, and the fact that he couldn't do it on demand (who could? He has not cried in 27 years) made it even more heartbreaking. I knew I was asking for the impossible.

So, the last month has been extremely painful for me. I have raged myself, screamed at the top of my lungs to the point that I was spitting on him. I thought my brain was going to burst, I could feel my heart beating in my ears, and I wanted to KILL him. He stopped yelling though.

I told him how much I loved him, I gave him time, I told him taht I was not backing down without a breakdown on his part. I felt taht that was the only way to stop the rage, if he finally got it OUT!

He asked the other night if my friend who I had finally told could read his cards for him today. She read them today. When they were done, she came and gave me a hug and left, and he came and cried like a baby.

We are now both scared, tender, and not wanting to make a mistake. I just wanted to share.

I havent't even digested this yet.

Thanks, Juki


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, March 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG (((((Juki)))))

I can't even begin to imagine your pain and grief.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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