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User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope this thread remains to serve the purpose of:

1. Supporting those still living with an NPD by encouraging them to leave. if their spouse is truly NPD, the marriage will not get better. The NPD will not start getting themselves and their behavior. If you think your spouse is capable of getting it, you are either sadly mistaken or your spouse is not NPD.

2. As a resource of learning more about NPD with express desire to LEAVE the NPD?

3. To support those in the healing process after leaving their NPD spouse.

Me too.

When you say NPD, you're basically dealing with a psychopath. The term Personality Disorder is not a euphemism; it's a psychological term based on descriptions of behavior.

Yes. And it's based on a PATTERN of behavior. Not a isolated incidents. There is a difference between narcissism and Narcissitic Personality DISORDER. there is also such a thing as "healthy" narcissism.

NPD is not a mental illness that can be "treated" with medication or therapy. Most are never diagnosed because the afflicted individual will never or rarely go for help. "Ther is nothing wrong with me!" is a common reaction to request for therapy.

Thren,
Isn't is bizarre how they never really go away and remain obsessed?

Since thread #9, most members have disappeared. When I was re-reading it a couple days ago, I realized there were a lot of names I don't see here anymore. Why is that?

People come and go for various reasons. Just like they do throughout the board as a whole.

Why has this thread gone from lots of members supporting each other to learn more, share experiences and find out if they have an NPD (or more) in their life, to one where we are only suppose to talk about particular things or only have one goal? Most of what was going on in #9 is not happening now....

The NPD thread has ALWAYS been about supporting survivors of NPD spouses. It has always been about helping and assisting NPD survivors to get out of their marriages or relationships SAFELY when they are ready.

It has never been about finding out your "why" and how there was something "broken" in you causing the NPD to target you. Although these may be reasons why you STAYED, it is not he reason you were targeted. And (in my opinion) continuing to find "your why" you are adding to the abuse that the NPD has inflicted on you when in fact the blame needs to be placed right square at his feet. Go back and read NPD thread's 1-8.

Edie
Of course you are welcome. Tell your story when you're comfortable. I am sure you receive great advice.

Not everyone is of the same opinion about everything. Some of us think it's useful to look at ourselves to determine what brought NPD's into our lives, rather than just learn to avoid them .....and as it was said earlier, even learning why we allow them in doesn't help avoid them.

This is the problem with "looking at yourself." it avoids dealing with the real problem, the NPD. This method also encourages the continued pattern of denial. In the end, it doesn't really matter WHY the NPD is there, it's HOW are you going to get rid of him safely.


WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING US?

I have never seen this.

THANKS FOR FEEDING OFF US. JUST GET IT DONE! THROW MONEY AT IT! STOP WHINING! I've seen all of these responses and more.

Really? Where?

[This message edited by sadtoo at 3:20 PM, March 5th (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((SVB)))))

That sounds like a very hard day, and night. Being ill and dealing with one of these guys is a nightmare in itself, without having nightly reminders.

I don't think the house is worth fighting for, really, especially if he threatened your life. I'm not saying don't do it, it just would scare me badly to fight for something so important to him that could trigger an actual attack.

If it was me, I'd fight for health insurance, spousal support and things like that. But I'm not in your shoes, and I don't know how hard you're willing to fight and how much you can afford to.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

veritas -- we used to talk (pre-A)about the fact that we thought he had a mild form of autism. I will investigate more; maybe that's it. I'm still not sure if I want to stay, though, or what part narcissism/NPD might play in all of this, if any.

(((((SVB)))))

I am so sorry that you are feeling down. I agree with SoHurt that your well-being is paramount. Don't fight for the house if it will endanger your life/health.

I was bemoaning the fact that I had to find an apartment and will probably have a crappy kitchen, and a friend reminded me that it will be my crappy kitchen, and it will be better than having a great kitchen but living with an NPD. Took me a while to internalize it, but it's true!

Keep taking care of yourself. Stress can exacerbate rheumatological problems. Living well is the best revenge!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3099 | Registered: Dec 2011
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you take a few steps back from yourself and try to look at your possible-NPD from a more objective point of view, what do you see?

The reason I ask is this: even NPDs have "types." Mine didn't have rages. Mine didn't have an addiction that I knew of (I'd later determine he was addicted to work, or at least the competition of it).

Here's a pretty good breakdown of the types, posted at http://open-site.org/Health/Conditions_and_Diseases/Psychiatric_Disorders/Personality/Narcissistic:

Types of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Narcissists are either "Cerebral" (derive their narcissistic supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) - or "Somatic" (derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical "conquests").

Narcissists are "Classic", "Compensatory", or "Inverted". The classic narcissist is self-confident, the compensatory narcissist covers up in his haughty behavior for a deep-seated deficit in self-esteem, and the inverted type is a co-dependent who caters to the emotional needs of a classic narcissist.

Other typologies have been suggested (for instance, the phallic vs. non-phallic narcissist).

Based on a survey of 1201 therapists and psychologists in clinical practice, Prof. Drew Westen of Emory University postulated the existence of three subtypes of narcissists:

1. High functioning or Exhibitionist: "(H)as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, but is also articulate, energetic, outgoing, and achievement oriented." (The equivalent of the Cerebral narcissist).

2. Fragile: "(W)ants to feel important and privileged to ward off painful feelings of inadequacy and loneliness" (The equivalent of the Compensatory narcissist).

3. Grandiose or Malignant: "(H)as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, feels privileged, exploits others, and lusts after power." (The equivalent of the Classic narcissist).

The outcome of an objective analysis showed me he was a cerebral, high-functioning (extroverted) N. I had to deal with, and detach from, him in very specific ways to get myself (mostly) free. I had to tell him he outsmarted me, he was good at deception, and he won. I was giving up. Boo hoo, I was worthless at the game. I couldn't outsmart him.

It *worked*. But only for him and his type. He let me go with a minimum of disruption, all things considered.

People with a somatic, malignant N will have to deal with theirs in different ways entirely. I can't even imagine what their methods may look like, but I can guess at a few basics and so offer support and suggestions from a place of "You got me, but here's a theory -- see if this may work for you."

AT THE CORE, N's tend to have extreme fear that they are unlovable. But this fear is expressed in many ways, and covered in many more ways.

At best, all we can say is "We survived a close relationship with an NPD." But like there are many different types of Ns, there are many different types of "victims" (sorry, can't think of a better word at the moment). I know that veritas, for example, is dealing with a different type of N (at a guess, somatic) and I know that her methods of handling him are probably borne out of his specific type **AND** her basic personality (which is a lot more direct and kick-ass than mine -- I'm more joke-your-way-past-the-pain).

I cannot believe for a moment that if you have an N, or suspect you have one, that you wouldn't be welcome to post here. In fact, you **ought** to post here, because even if every trait isn't visible all of the time, chances are you've seen things that you have since forgotten, and the BTDT crowd may be able to as you questions to loosen that memory up so you may evaluate it.

Warm hugs to all. There's a way out, a way through. Whether you stay or not with your N, it's important to know in the crazy moments that you're not alone.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thren, I want to thank you for all the information you posted and the wonderful way you stated a welcome to any and all.

I had no idea that there were types of N's. And I see mine as the Grandiose. He is the life of the party, the center of attention, MR. Wonderful to everyone but me, Mr. Helpful, Mr. Smarter than everyone on earth and Mr. My Shit Don't Stink. I have told him many times that if people knew the real him, the one I know, that they wouldn't like him and he agrees. When I met him he believed that no woman would ever love him because he was disabled from a motorcycle accident. He was always amazed that I stayed with him each year and I think that gave him the feeling that he could pull more crap on me and I would still love him. He was very very careful to never call me the two names that I told him would cause me to walk out, the B or the C word. I really should have walked the first time he raged at me but I was too shocked.

While it doesn't change the fact that he is NPD to extreme or the fact that I will never go back, it does help to know what type he was. For me it gives me a sense of "yeah, that is what they would classify him as if he sought help".

Living with an NPD is not easy but neither is walking away from one. When you walk away you still really don't know what they are or if they are NPD. It is forums like this one that help to clarify and identify the behaviors that we have lived with and made excuses for. It allows us to stop and say "holy cow, it wasn't just me, it wasn't my fault".

I can't tell you how many times I got blamed for us not having a sex life. He blamed my migraines, my "menopause", my not drinking with him every weekend and on and on. It was never the fact that his sex life was being taken care of elsewhere.

Thanks again Thren.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've taken my time getting back to this thread.

As for the "off track" comment I made (or highlighted) that raised some concerns, what I meant was that the exploration of childhood abuses is NOT something I can relate to. I come to this forum with very narrow and restrictive purposes.

If I have other issues I post elsewhere. My visitation concerns, my divorce issues as they DO NOT relate to his sociological pathological pain in the asshatedness, I post in the other forums.

When there is overlap and I know that my concerns will not be understood outside our tribe I slink in here and whine, cry, and shake/shudder with friends.

I come here and read to offer my shoulder, my words and my perspective.

What I have observed since having the contrast between thread 9 and 10 highlighted is that there has been a change in the balance. I am not casting BLAME!! But there has been an absence (not complete or on the whole) of members who are further healed, out from under the influence and more stable in their current situation. So we've been a bit "blind leading the blind" here recently.

I try to pay attention to those who have gotten out from under the influence of the N. They see more clearly. They have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. There are members outside of this thread who have deep experience with a crazy NPD spouse. I collect their names and I will read a thread they post on no matter what the topic.

I too have hurt that the support has become more antagonistic. There are so many hurt and wounded souls here. I am reminded of being bit by a pet cat who was in pain. Let's remember that the pain hurts, but that "biting" each other doesn't help our pain become less.

I can assure you that I BELIEVE everyone posting in this thread has the best interests of the tribe front and center.

I have recommended balance many times before. Balance. Seek balance and peace. When we can't lead, we follow. When we can lead, we do so responsibly. If we can self assess and do this with our posts then we will continue to survive and heal.

(((tribe)))

eta:typos...

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 6:58 PM, March 5th (Monday)]


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5290 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@thren: he is definitely more somatic, but he definitely enjoys being thought of as intelligent, and he brags about any and everything. I, the direct, in your face person that I am normally, was practically servile with him. He made me question myself and second guess myself constantly. I was wrong 24/7. So now I tell him what I'm going to tell him, and if he wants to talk further, I just ignore him. If I don't feel like dealing with him, I don't. I wait until I'm in the best state of mind possible. He got 20 years of me; he isn't getting any more! *lol* if I never had to talk to him again, it would be too soon. I find that if I give him any attention at all, he thinks we're friends. just the other day, he used the word we. I was supposed to wait 3 days before I contacted him again, but I didn't make it, and I was a bad girl. I will probably be punished, but oh well. Next time, I'll be better prepared.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally have some positive news!

My friend took me out, and we had a good visit and went to the bank. I am the proud owner of my OWN bank account, and they were very understanding of my situation and will send nothing to the house. My friend has my documentation, so nothing can be found. What a relief to finally have that done! I will be contacting SS to get my deposits transferred there as soon as I feel it's time. I'm one step closer to freedom! And very glad to be.

I also used friend's cell and left a message with my therapist outlining what's going on, so she doesn't go into our session thinking I want R. I told her I'm afraid. I think that was a smart move.

Thren, mine is somatic, and probably classic. He likes to be thought of as cerebral, but the facts don't bear that out. He's actually done plenty to hurt himself in the divorce, as well as custody. The more I learn, the more I see where he's damaged his chances, and there are plenty of people who can see it.

So I'm feeling much better about it all. What he chooses to do as far as dragging it out is another story. That part remains to be seen.

ETA: SVB, are we married to brothers?

[This message edited by SoHurt at 9:13 PM, March 5th (Monday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Tribe))))

I would like to say that I feel awful knowing that some of you have felt unwelcome on this thread. Ever since I've been posting on the NPD threads it's always been said that if you have found yourself reading in here and nodding your head, that's enough for us. Join in. Don't be shy. We've probably just about heard it all.

This place gave me so much insight into the crazy I was dealing with for so many years. Here I found acceptance and understanding that I could not find IRL. I want that for all of you too.

I am guilty of not being around here too much of late.
I apologize to those of you who have felt the lack of older members posting. I will try to check in more often.

@sohurt--I'm glad you are making progress toward freedom. Keep making forward motion. Even baby steps are ok.



Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7625 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I try to pay attention to those who have gotten out from under the influence of the N. They see more clearly. They have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. There are members outside of this thread who have deep experience with a crazy NPD spouse.


I know I've been a tad 2x4 lately and I'd like to explain why.

I am a BS who realised real fast, thanks to Frank and other members in this thread, that I was dealing with an NPD. Before I'd even heard of NPD I knew something was not quite right with my WH. I read books on PA and although it kind of fit, it wasn't quite right. Until I found this thread and read all the links.

Frank was right. The shock of the A faded into the background when I realised R was never going to happen. My XNPDWH left without even a goodbye but when his new N supply ditched him he assed me for months trying to get me back (I was warned and was prepared).

What has been upsetting me lately is reading posts where the supposedly NPD spouse is going along to counselling, weeping tears of regret and R is still being discussed as a possibility.

For those of us with an NPD WS, that was/is never going to happen.

Most WS display "NPD" traits such as selfishness, fogginess, asshat behaviour. That doesn't make them NPD.

There is a HUGE difference.

For the spouse of an NPD there is no hope of R. There is no hope of NPDWS coming to his/her senses.

When my NPDWH left I was also terrified. I have many issues which made it difficult for me to apply for full time work etc. It wasn't easy.

I'm 12 months out. I can tell you the peace is amazing. My healing started when he left. You can't heal while you're still spending ALL your energy focussed on the NPD craziness.

I'll continue to visit this thread to offer my support if you like. But I won't be an enabler. I won't be spending my energy propping up people on a day to day basis if they won't take real steps (however small) to get off planet NPD.

PS I don't venture in the R thread. It hurts too much. The hardest reality I had to face was there was no hope with an NPD.

Thats why I posted the following:

I hope this thread remains to serve the purpose of:

1. Supporting those still living with an NPD by encouraging them to leave. if their spouse is truly NPD, the marriage will not get better. The NPD will not start getting themselves and their behavior. If you think your spouse is capable of getting it, you are either sadly mistaken or your spouse is not NPD.

2. As a resource of learning more about NPD with the express desire to LEAVE the NPD.

3. To support those in the healing process after leaving their NPD spouse.


I stand by my post.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So who cares what degree of NPD or not a spouse displays?

This NPD-related journey helped me, was/is relevant to my sitch, and is helping me, and it could help others too who are not with a flaming N, but with someone who displays certain characteristics, none the less damaging and hurtful. None of us are cut and dry one thing or the other and neither are Ns.

Sorry but personally I find this insulting on an NPD thread.

There is no such thing as an 'episodic' N. You talk about rebuilding your M and you talk about how R is a possibility.

If you have read about NPD, as you say you have, you may have read that no amount of MC, IC or your "special love" and empathy will cure a person of NPD.

To believe so is an insult to those dealing with true NPD.

There is no true R with an NPD. There is no "oops I think I had an NPD phase but I'm over it now".

Veritas is right.

[This message edited by Faith2011 at 1:13 AM, March 6th (Tuesday)]


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wounded, thank you for that. I feel so much better tonight than I have in a long, long time. I haven't even had an account of my own in so long, it's kind of dizzying to grasp. That's sad and cool at the same time, ya know?

Faith, thank you for the explanation of your post. It helps a great deal. In looking back over the 25 years I've spent with this man, I see a pretty strongly repeated history of NPD behavior. SVB was the first to really talk to me about it, and Frank, phmh, and others were right there to help. I have been very grateful for every ounce of support.

I know I keep saying it, but in 6 short weeks, I've had a lot to assimilate. I think I'm doing pretty well, and though it's not as fast as I'd like, I've learned enough to fill several books. I'm proud of myself for getting that account started, even though I was shaking like a leaf.

While my friend and I were out, we talked a lot about the things she remembers of my life with him. She reminded me of many things that I had forgotten, or buried. It was eye-opening to hear. She does not embellish, but states things clearly. In a way, it was hard to hear, but it makes my resolve that much stronger. I was glad to hear she agrees with my own observations, and knows that I'm making the right decision. In fact, it was her idea to call my therapist to say I was NOT looking to R, so that there was no misunderstanding and wasted time. Also to tell her I am afraid. I never would have thought to tell her that. So my therapist knows, going in, that I am not willing to try to save the marriage, regardless of what WH said. That is a relief to me.

It is good to know that what I've seen over these years was seen by someone I trust to tell me the truth. She totally backed me up on what I thought I was seeing, and is willing to help me as much as she can. Geez, it's nice to have a friend who knows my history and can validate what I see. Overall, that was more helpful than taking me to the bank.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt

Wounded, thank you for that. I feel so much better tonight than I have in a long, long time. I haven't even had an account of my own in so long, it's kind of dizzying to grasp. That's sad and cool at the same time, ya know?

I can hear in your post you feel stronger today. Getting your own account is very cool! And very empowering. We spouses of NPD's need as much encouragement and validation as we can get, to help us leave and heal from the craziness and futile life with NPD.

Congratulations on taking that step towards independence.

You have just tasted what it would feel like being free. It can be kind of sad and cool at the same time, until those feelings of sadness are slowly replaced with better feelings as you slowly heal.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Faith. It's pretty nice to be finally seeing some progress towards freedom. And the validation is priceless to me.

I was given good advice a while back: Dream of what it will be like when the NPD is gone. Those dreams fuel your drive towards freedom.

Not a direct quote, but the general idea. I dream of life after him, often. And it's a peaceful place.

Stronger every day, and looking AND moving forward.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go SoHurt! Go SoHurt! I can remember when mine took all of the savings account money, then diverted his paycheck to punish me for filing for divorce. I pretty much had to beg him to pay the bills even though he was still living in the house (I had kicked him out, but he had a come-to-jesus, lawyer-up moment, where he realized how much it was going to cost him rather than continue to be a shifty, downlow fellow and bully me). It was the second act of violence he had committed against me, and this time I went to a doctor and got it documented (as usual, post violent episode, he became all soft and caring and honey and even cried, but I knew then that by the casualness of his tone that one day he would matter of factly kill me and cry at my funeral and the trial). I got a checking account by myself at a different bank for the first time in 15 years, and the look on his face when he realized that there was no more we was priceless. He still bullied me and punked me out of a lot of money, but the sense of relief in my head was HUGE. I literally whooped out loud when I read that you had your own account; moving away from the madness is so empowering!


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Veritas. I am so glad I'm finally moving forward! It took longer than I wanted, but I'm GOING!

My sense of relief this morning is so strong. It's hard to believe I was so scared, but now I'm finding out that I have more desire to take the next step and the next... and I'm less afraid. That is the part I really like. Each time I go even a tiny bit farther, I lose more fear. I've hated living in fear, but didn't see just how scared I was.

It's strange to realize you're scared and didn't know it. But when I look at the accumulation of his treatment of me, I can understand why. He's not the beat me up type, but he has hit me. In front of the kids when they were young. Because of that first marriage and what it made me feel like to see my son frantic watching me be beaten, I started toeing the line.

At first, I thought that was odd. But then I also realized that, 1. I hadn't wanted another divorce, and he knew that. (My mom had three, stepdad 5!) Then, 2. I was 12 years into the manipulation, so I was already making excuses for things he did so that it came naturally.

So in hindsight, I can see how I was manipulated so easily by his little honeymoons and sly abuses to bring me to the place where hitting me was my fault. Getting away from him is going to be so good.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt! You ROCK!! You are getting stronger and you are doing a post mortem on your marriage which helps you to see all the red flags that were covered up with excuses. I know it is hard to get to the point where you can take a step back and honestly look at the marriage. I am still looking back and seeing things that I excused and didn't want to admit to myself that he was doing to me.

I am so happy for you that you are starting to feel confident and stronger. You know that I am here for you whenever you need me. You can and will leave this behind and have more peace in your life. Just keep planning your moves and don't let fear stop you from leaving. You CAN do this!


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, SVB. Yeah, it's a great feeling, and I'm loving it.

The post-mortem is very eye-opening, isn't it? I mean, criminy sakes... the things I've allowed. There are so very many of those darn flags, and they are HUGE. But when you've been so used to bad treatment, it's easy to excuse it all away.

Not any more. I am truly looking forward to the future I'm going to create, and at this point, I am never going to even think about having another man in my life. Not even dating. I'm tired, and I want peace. I don't even want to have to pay attention to anyone but my kids and grandkids. It's OUR turn.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt,

This is so great to read. I am so happy that you are taking such positive steps to get away from your NPD!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3099 | Registered: Dec 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, phmh. It feels really, really good. I know it's only the first step or two, but man, it's nice to feel like something positive is happening after so long!

Things are gonna be great when he's not monopolizing everything... and it'll be SO much quieter in the house!

I feel like SINGING!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
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