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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, March 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Engaging with yourself leads to minimizing the damage from engagements with them...

F'r instance, you're clued in to the lies and manipulations that are the fabric of their being-

you're engaged with yourself; watchful, listening, QUIET, observant, learning more and more...
What do you want to do this go-round? Play stupid? And be all James Bondish, silent observer while you do? You go!
Too busy right now? Gotta go bye? Call ya back in a bit!

Tons of techniques (post them here~!) for minimizing interaction and detaching from these soul sucking fukkers (hint: try not to laugh too hard on your way out, letting them know you're on to their game)...

...so you can get your ducks in a row and get out? THAT'S the name of the game! Humor's a bonus...seeing them get all squiggly, casting about for new sources of supply....sorry what?


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, March 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I would be relieved after the divorce date in court, but I am extremely sad/depressed.

I think this is very common. Going through a divorce with an NPD is a grueling and all consuming experience. By the time it's over, you're ready for elation, relief, or just....something. But many times when it's over, it's just over. Feeling sad over any divorce is normal, even from an NPD. But I think even MORE so from an NPD.

Why?

Because you probably put more effort into helping this person and saving this marriage than you ever have anything else in your life. No matter how much your logical mind tells you it is a hopeless situation, it is still heartbreakingly disappointing.

Then once you have finally come to terms with the fact that you are fighting a losing battle in your marriage, you refocus that energy to getting OUT of that marriage.

All of a sudden, it's over.

It takes time to get used to the peace and quiet. It takes time to adjust to not being all consumed with "him" or "her" and the divorce.

You have been through hell and back. Don't forget that. If you have maintained your sanity, count your blessings. If you're depressed, that's normal so don't be too hard on yourself. And don't be too proud to get some help. I spent several years on anti-d's and in IC dealing with my depression.

This is tough stuff and not for the faint of heart.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadness at the end with an NPD is expected. But this wasn't the hardest part for me. For me, it was the blinding rage that followed. I thought I'd been angry at the affairs and aftermath. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the pure fury I felt about six months after the last time I spoke with him.

Start getting yourself some sort of outlet now, is my advice. Kickboxing, art, music -- whatever way helps you burn off the anger. For me, it was hiking until I collapsed. I don't think there's a hill in Pennsylvania, Ohio, or Maryland I didn't stomp across. The rage lasted roughly 9 months at its worst. I was a wreck by the end of it. Once I'd exhausted it, I could rebuild.

For what it's worth, most of the anger was at myself. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have accepted the abuse for so long? I'd almost have one question like that answered, and then another appeared. I referred to it here once as peeling an onion, and it's true. So much self-hate. I almost just kind of hated him incidentally.

Prepare yourself. Get an IC and find an outlet quickly, and make it part of your routine soon so you're prepared. You'll be so thankful you did.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, March 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice, Thren. How could I have forgotten the anger?

I tore my whole house apart. Broke out ceramic and marble tile with my bare hands and a hammer pretending that every whack was his face! I got three bathrooms and my entry way redone and saved lots of money doing the tear out myself.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, March 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only anger I have now is when I hear his voice. I want some closure, but I know I will never have it. And if he gave me answers now, it would be to torture me and to cut my very soul out. He is good at that and I think he enjoys trying to cut me down.

Will the anger come back again after the D as well?


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, March 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah, and worse than you've experienced it yet. Of that I'm nearly certain.

See, the affair stuff is us being angry at THEM. Post-separation/divorce, as we begin to detach and rediscover our own selves, a tidal wave of anger slams down on us, and much of it is focused on ourselves

Things I was angry about:

* I was a strong and independent woman before he came along, and I didn't take shit from anybody. WHY did I allow it from HIM? He wasn't anything special. He really wasn't.

* I was a brave woman before he came along. WHY was I afraid of HIM? How could I go through the other things in my life so bravely but crumple because he... frowned at me? Seriously?

* I worked hard for everything I had. WHY was I so suddenly convinced that I'd have nothing ever again in my life if I left him? If I did it once, I could do it again. What was I WORRIED about?

And the list goes on. It comes with the detachment, I think, and really seeing the whole relationship through an objective lens.

Sadtoo, I went to a cheap restaurant supply place a few times and bought stacks of sauces. I flung those sunsabiches around like frisbees and broke them against the side of an abandoned building in a manufacturing district. Loaded them in my car, drove down there, hopped out and popped the trunk and had a field day. It felt glorious! Each plate had an incident attached.

"This," *thwack*, "is for the joint checking account I was never allowed to access!"

"And this," *crunch tinkle*,"is for letting him take some of my camping gear when he left!"

I plan to use it all in a book someday. My journals from back then are heartbreakingly hilarious. It was several lifetimes ago, it seems. But I remember that anger. Oh, lordy.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, March 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The anger at him, the anger about the affairs, the anger at myself....oh...I remember it became a boiling point with me too.

And I didn't get ANY closure. Mine was the type that lied, lied and lied some more. Never admitted to ANYTHING. The affairs were all my imagination, I was the one with the drinking problem, I was "seeing things" when I was drinking, he was never abusive to me, he was only defending himself against me abusing him. When I finally went into IC, he told everyone who would listen that I had a "hidden mental illness that was incurable". It went on and on.

The gas lighting and the lies were unbelivable. After I threw him out, I went NC and never spooke to him again.

What was the point? He would just lie anyway. So I found my information from other sources. It got so bad, I finally quit looking. I simply didn't want to know any more.

Thren,
I can just see you winging those plates. When I met my current husband and he saw the state of my bathrooms, he was like, "What happened in here?"

Me: It just looks like a crime scene, it's really not.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:52 PM, March 12th (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, March 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I am almost done with the anger, but I have barely started with the D since he is so slow doing anything. The other day he was like "this will be the fastest D", today he is back to blaming me for all his screw ups. I filed, I've waited, its been 7 months since I filed. I don't have the energy to be mad, but I am not going down without a fight. I will probably lose the house before we can short sale it cause he wont fill out his paperwork for the bak to work with us. Glad he makes sure his apartment is paid for, arse. He is nothing short of the person I know I was married to. I never went down without a fight, but in the end before the A I just kept the peace for the kids.

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, March 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit, your stories are my stories. The anger at yourself for letting yourself be in this for so long and still have love for the man?
I was (still am) a strong woman, however, when it comes to him I will bend over backwards to make him happy. Meaning if he needs something I will be the one that runs to the store, get the food, or whatever.. And then I get in the car and get pissed at myself like STOP doing this for him. He has legs and a truck..
You become a beckon call.
Lastnight he said what are you going to make me to snack on... I just looked at him and said there is food in the fridge, make yourself something... but guess who actually made it? ME and yes there I was again pissed at myself.
Now with his mom being I get nervous on how he will react about everything. It makes me nervous and I don't know why.
Looking back over the years, walking on eggshells is what it has been. You know that heart pumping shaky feeling if he gets in a mood over something small or he just starts to think of something or you say something and he takes it to the exterm? I hate that feeling and then you find yourself trying to back paddle fast so ww3 does not start. Then he wont talk to you after he has belittled you or worst, and you are left to no answers or the famous you know why I am pissed but in truth you don't know why and when you tell them that they just snarl at you and tell you to get the fuck away from them.
Isn't that so nice? You can never have a adult conversation about anything.
Or how about when fighting your scared of going to sleep, scared to have them walk into a room, you are jumpy because you don't know what they may do just to be evil, wither it is pich you, pull your hair, spit in your food, take your smokes and break them, or your cell phone, burn your clothes, rip up your clothes, pull and break your neckless, whatever they feel that matters to you. Then the next day they are sorry for what they did.

I don't live with all that anymore THANK GOD... but I am always waiting to see when the monster will come out. Now it is emotional. And I ask myself, Faithful, WHY oh WHY do you love this man? Why have you stayed, Why do you think this is the only man out there for you? Remember what he has done, look at your scares, look at how you cried, and hurt. But, my heart still belongs to him.
One day this all shall pass.
Sorry just remembering and rambling...
I am just so glad I have all of you.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faithful, do not beat yourself up over staying in the marriage. We have all done it. It takes a lot of courage to first face that we need to leave and then more courage to actually leave. It isn't until you are gone that you realize all the ways that he has beaten you down and stolen your independence.

Once you are able to leave you will find some peace in your life. It will also be the time to do what I call a post mortem on your marriage. By doing this you see the red flags you ignored and made excuses for. For a while you will still think of reconciliation and you will miss him and love him. But you need to remember all the reasons why you left. Make a list and post it on the fridg in your new home. Remind yourself of the things he did to make you feel crazy or how he abused you. It will be hard not to call him or email him but you have to try to go No Contact as he will draw you back in with the "I'm sorry" and "I love you".

You are a strong woman and you can do this for you. You deserve peace and happiness.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, March 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you soverybetrayed,
I know I can do this...wheee hear we go... lol
I am getting there by the grace of God and all you good people.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, March 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the mourning, post-mortem stage already. I feel like he's killed the love, killed the hope... all that's left is disgust and sadness for letting it go on as long as it has.

But it's because I really took to heart the idea of detachment, not that it was easy. I spent a lot of time looking at what he does, listening to what he says, and seeing it through the filter of reality, rather than the one that's rather rose-colored. I've looked at the ways I excused his behavior, and listened to my friend who tells me the truth of what she sees.

There's no hope left in me for "us." It's all focused on getting out and having my therapist back me up. If this were easy, we'd all just walk away. I'm actually looking forward to the anger. It'll feel good, letting go of those years.

So Faithful, don't feel bad about it. Just turn your focus like you have been, and the rest will follow. It's baby steps, and time. We just have to keep walking through it.

ETA: Oh, the holier than thou crap really makes me mad, too. WH is SO good at that. He posts lots of scripture and talks about God all the time. Does he LIVE it? No. Not even a little. But feels free to condemn me for "not living it" like HE does.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 12:31 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
What?  Posted: 4:25 PM, March 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was (still am) a strong woman, however, when it comes to him I will bend over backwards to make him happy.


Faithful It is amazing, that even after the divorce I still have the automatic reflex to do and organise everything. I refrain from doing so......but the reflex still works.......

Sadtoo and Threnody, thanks for the advice. Would bicycling work????? Although the idea with the plates you threw is very tempting.........


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 53 | Registered: Nov 2011
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because you probably put more effort into helping this person and saving this marriage than you ever have anything else in your life. No matter how much your logical mind tells you it is a hopeless situation, it is still heartbreakingly disappointing.

You just nailed it! And instead of being grateful to have a wonderful loving wife, two kids and a comfortable home he has to run of to a 30 years younger mistress to get his new narcissisitc supply.

Like a lot of the members in this thread I still can´t swallow the fact that it was a one sided marriage with me only assuming he felt the same way I did. To have to look at the marriage again and see it out of this perspective, that it probably was only a charade and I only NS is sooo cruel.


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 53 | Registered: Nov 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, March 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonydefineme,
I would guess that you are not finished with the anger yet, so be prepared.

The other day he was like "this will be the fastest D", today he is back to blaming me for all his screw ups. I filed, I've waited, its been 7 months since I filed.

This is so typical. My XNPDH did the same crap. He and his OW were ENGAGED before our d-day. Nice, huh? They had their wedding planned and ready to go and he announced our divorce was going to be "fast" too.

I thought, "Great. Let's get this shit over with." I got all of my paperwork in, I responded to all the interrogatories in a timely manner, etc. But guess who stalled, postponed, took their freakin' time on everything and dragged his feet?? HIM!! Then he would tell everyone that it was me! It was the craziest thing I had ever seen in my life. His looney mother was calling me and screaming at me, telling me to stop trying to stop the divorce, he deserves to be happy, he doesn't want you any more, blah, blah, fuckity, blah. It was insane.

You just need to stay the course. Is there any way that your lawyer can ask the judge to give you permanent rights to the marital home due to the fact that he has neglected to respond? Or you could call your mortgage company and tell them your situation. They may take sympathy on you and your situation and offer you some other solution where you don't need his signature.

Now with his mom being I get nervous on how he will react about everything. It makes me nervous and I don't know why.

I started off doing nice things for mine because I like to do nice things for people. For example, I do those same things for my current husband, but he reciprocates. Like I cook for him and do his laundry and clean the house. But on the weekends, my husband brings me coffee in bed and also goes to Villiage Inn or somewhere else and brings breakfast home. And he takes me out on the weekends. He has NEVER complained about anything I have cooked and has always appreciated what I do. It's normal.

When I was married to NPDH I did these same things. But he NEVER or rarely reciprocated. And the complaints and the nit-picking was never ending. I found myself in the beginning trying to do better, rather than telling him to go pound sand, like I should have. Gradually, it just seemed that it was more and more and more. Then in the end it just seemed nothing was ever good enough. But I remember toward the end, it wasn't so much that I was trying to make him happy, I was trying to keep him QUIET, or from screaming at me, or throwing one of his fits that could last well into the wee hours of the night.

And OMG. I was afraid to go to sleep for YEARS. That is the worst. My current husband says for the first few years we were together I would be screaming in my sleep. He would try to wake me up and I would come up swinging. It was horrible.

And instead of being grateful to have a wonderful loving wife, two kids and a comfortable home he has to run to a 30 years younger mistress to get his next supply.

RIGHT!! It's mind boggling bat shit craziness!! Unbelievable.

SoHurt,
Sorry you're struggling. Hang in there. You've made great progress.

Soverybetrayed,
Hope you're doing well.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, March 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to email today, should have stopped at first necessary one. There have been so many, trying to make me feel bad, telling me he wants out now.

My heart and head have come back around to line up again. I feel the same way as when I filed. No hesitation, no wanting him to chase me, just a calm. Maybe the calm before the sh@t storm. This man has taken away the security of marriage, financial security, peace of mind, now he taking away my security of the home. This all caused because he takes his time on everything. Control over what he has left, money and paperwork.

I am flatlining, no negative emotions, no matter what he said to me today. I am more scared of the security of the home for my son.

This too shall pass. Got to put that dang kibble bag back in the storage room and shut the door.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Every one,
Wh is out of town getting his mom and it feels great!I went and cut off my hair into a bob!
He is going to HATE it but I LOVE IT!!!!!!. It is a sexy little bob.... HAHAHAHA..... I did it for ME, tried of wanting to do it but scared cause he will hate it.... whaaaaaaa.....
I am sexy no matter what FOOL.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Faithful))) Good for you! It's so nice when you do things like that for yourself, isn't it?

I lived with the same kind of "rules" about hair, clothes and makeup. Expectations. It's so damn ridiculous, isn't it?

GLAD you got a cut you love!!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Hurt,
You know when I do my hair all up and loving the way it looks, he will mess it up... He will walk pass me and mess it up and it is mostly when we are about to go out somewhere....
I hate that... I bet he never would have done that to OW.... Pisses me off.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, March 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I understand, Faithful. Mine would always ask me to go blond. For years, I couldn't understand why. Then when the A was outed, it was clear: OW is blond. So the next 15 times or so I colored my hair, I went red. And he wanted my hair long, so about every two years, I cut it off.

After all, it IS OURS. Why they think they can control how we wear our hair... oh, yeah, they're NPD.

ETA: (((((Wont))))) I'm sorry you have to be in this situation. I know scared about security of home is hard. I hope you get a resolution that works out well for you and your son. It's so hard to have to worry about such a basic need. You're in my thoughts.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 10:15 AM, March 16th (Friday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
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