He spent years telling me that if I wanted something done around the house or yard that it was my problem because he made too much money to do any kind of work at home, only to change a flat tire for me last year, unsolicited (my father did it while we were married) and trim the hedges (also unsolicited). Never happened when we were married.
The biggest thing to let go of is hope. The fact that you will never be enough of anything for him or her isn't a measure of who you are; it just means you need a measuring stick that isn't so crooked.
[This message edited by veritas at 3:30 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)]
Your story is starting to resemble something out of Hitchcock or invasion of the pod-people or something...where soon, you're whole house is taken over, your life is in tatters, you're out on the street and you're not quite sure how it all happened...you know the script!
He's taking over control. Please don't let him. You have a right to your own safe space and boundaries.
Once again, for about the zillionth time! These pod-people use our own goodness against us.
All the time.
We are nothing but *useful* to them for the moment. "A" moment....as soon as that usefulness is "up"...seeya!
No thanks. No acknowledgement. Nothing but being wiped off from the bottom of the shoe.
Please stand your ground and don't allow the takeover abuse to continue. Please end it. Just say no, and don't engage further. Don't explain, don't listen to the twisting twisting coming outta his mouf, it's just more attempts to entangle you in the web of abuse.
One of my problems is that I just can not wrap my head around this (I know it is not about me) and how wh does not want to see how he is. I don't understand how he could not want a wife that is loving, supportive, and beautiful. It just sucks that you go through all the years and putting up with so much and then boom they want out instead of getting the help they need and the help the marriage needs.
Better to run away then to stay I guess.
I know I am been abused for MANY Years and I knew I should have left long ago, but it was not alway like that or like it is now. Or maybe it was but it was not physical. I think I have been beaten down so bad I don't know what I really want. I want the man I love to be FUCKING NORMAL but I know that will never happen. I want the man I love to LOVE ME BACK and be kind to me. I want a real relationship with him and I know it is NEVER going to happen.
I know everyone says to keep the house but I know he is not going to leave and if he does do I REALLY have freedom?
Reading that site I understood everything they said in it. EVERYthing and I am at 3] Enlightenment: The woman no longer assumes responsibility for her partner's abusive treatment, recognizing that no one "deserves" to be beaten. She is still committed to her relationship, though, and stays with her partner, hoping they can work things out.,
Pretty sick huh???
What I can not answer is why I am still in this stage? What am I afraid of? Part of it is that he will be kinder and loving to someone else, that they will get what I have wanted all these years and I will be alone because I have trust issuse and/or it will take years for me to work through all this shit that has happen and I don't want baggage in another relationship.
Because i look at him and yearn for him to hold me and I look at him and this is the only man I love and have truly been in a long term relationship, because he is the father to my kids, because I am weak and feel guitly, because all I ever wanted was a family, the list can go on and on but I can see past it all and truly dipise him for everything he has done to me, why can I not hate him or be so angry that I don't want anything to do with him? Why am I still hold on to what is not there? Why am I jealouse that someone else will get what I have but better?
I am strong, independent woman, I fend for myself, do for myself, but with him I must be co dependent. It has to be or I would have been gone.
Thank you for the website, I am going to rr read some more tomorrow.
Love you all for your support.
After the chaos, after you've detached to minimal interaction, I'm pretty sure you will love the peace and quiet. You will love being alone because you have begun to heal from the abusive self-pounding.
I can't tell you how great it is, but you'll see. I promise.
Then, when you are loving yourself, re-discovering yourself, enjoying just being free and *being you*,
then you'll be ready to share your peace with someone else. You'll be wiser, more capable of giving and receiving love than you ever were before.
Loving yourself. Being free.
Now that's exciting!
Once you have started to detach and still crave his attention, you will start to see the pattern. Not right away, but the behavior becomes predictable. He will ignore you because you dared to defy him, then crumbs when he feels lonely, not when you do. Then wait, if you hold him accountable and don't let him back, then the nasty emerges again and he will get nasty for you standing up for yourself. Put this on a repeat pattern, because it seems like we all do it. We stand strong, but desired to be chased even knowing that we are better off.
I have got to the point now I hate his voice, I hate the man that can tell me in one email that he loves me and then slams me in the next when I refuse his words because I know exactly who he is behind the mask.
You will learn to hate the games, hate the love/hate relationship we put up with, and will eventually not hate but understand they truely will always be the person that is damaged beyond our repair.
That is my take so far in my journey, and I am not too far ahead of you.
Can you stay in the house financially? Will he support you? Can you support yourself?
For me, we had to be S and still it was a tug-of-war, with him never budging, even today. He throws me crumbs, never telling me anything that would want me to go back. He gives as little as he can, emotionally, money, stuff I need for the house. He will not change.
If you can survive in another house, do it. It is going to hurt, it is going to be difficult, but oh the peace is wonderful between the headgames. And there will be headgames.
What am I afraid of? Part of it is that he will be kinder and loving to someone else, that they will get what I have wanted all these years and I will be alone because I have trust issuse and/or it will take years for me to work through all this shit that has happen and I don't want baggage in another relationship.
What he showed you in the beginning? That great guy you keep waiting for to reemerge? The one you fell in love with? He's NOT there.
This rotten, abusive monster who seems to have taken his place is THE REAL GUY.
But yet you feel sorry for him because he had beat you down and manipulated and gas lighted you so horribly.
He is not going to get the help he needs. He can't be helped. He may be "wonderful" with someone else, but only as long as it takes to "hook" them. Then, surprise! Here's Johnny!!!
It is what it is. Not what you hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
If he makes more money than you, you may be entitled to spousal support. If you get primary custody of the children, you will also get child support. This could help you make ends meet to stay in the house.
If I were you, I would talk to a different attorney. Ask around to find out who the "shark" is for divorce attorneys. That is the one you want. This one you're talking to, "let's let him file...." doesn't sound like he has much "fight" in him. And you're going to need someone who can and will fight for you and your rights. This won't be a "go through the motions" type divorce.
If you want to keep the house you need to find an attorney who can help you fight to keep it. Plus fight to get the money to support you and your kids for the next few years. You can have him removed from the house. Since he has a history of physical violence, you can request a protection order. That's how I got mine out.
If your family can help, maybe they would loan you the money to hire an attorney. Then after your divorce is over, you can refinance your house and pay them back, this is how I did it.
This way he won't see the missing money. You will have a better attorney. You will have family support. And you can get him out of your life.
Have you talked to your family? Do they know what you're dealing with? I know it's hard....and embarassing. But you will feel so much better once you tell them.
Do you think it is truly possible for me to detach well still living in the same home as him?
Yes. But it's hard.
This goes along with your question about what are you afraid of.
You'll find that the man you thought you married is not the man you married. The man you thought you married is well and truly dead because he was never real. He was a facade that your real H put on in order to draw you (and others) in. But the truth of it is that the image he showed you was just an image.
A fakery. What you are seeing now is the truth and you will see it more if you don't respond to the image.
You'll start to see the cracks (and wonder if you imagined them) and slowly, slowly realize that the cracks are actually showing you the reality and that this was occasionally seen by others but that because they didn't have all the pieces, they didn't have the whole picture. Just as you don't have the whole picture.
After I left (and I "abandoned" the house - if you want to keep it, try to kick him out instead but for me it became a safety issue for me AND the kids and I put the kids before the house. But even if I had tried to keep the house, I couldn't afford it at that time and I'm still not sure if I could.) I started to piece things together with friends and family and found out that he'd been giving each of us another story but because we all thought it was the truth, we never compared stories. Once we started comparing we started to see that the majority of what we had been shown/told was false. It was very eye opening!
It made me realize that most of my marriage was a lie or based on a lie.
You will grieve. It's akin to a death because the man you thought you married is basically... dead. And he's been replaced by reality - a reality that will drain the life from you if you let it.
That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.
I started to piece things together with friends and family and found out that he'd been giving each of us another story but because we all thought it was the truth, we never compared stories. Once we started comparing we started to see that the majority of what we had been shown/told was false. It was very eye opening!
This is a really good point. NPD's are sneaky and they demand "loyalty" or their weird twisted version of loyalty. They DO NOT want you to talk about them or compare stories with other people. That would be a "betrayal" and you would then be subject to NPD rage.
This is why I suggested to FWL to speak with her family. NPD's thrive on image and secrecy. Talk to others. Compare stories. Break the cycle. There is strength in numbers.
I got a question : I keep the NC rule towards him quite well, but I still feel emotionally responsible (after having organised everything for 17 years). I know I shouldnt and I am not legally responsible anymore but still.
My NPDXWH doesn't know I do and I don't engage, but inside the old pattern still works.
How did you manage to get rid of your NPD influence INSIDE?
A lot of what FWL posts sounds familiar to me as far as feelings are concerned.
Sadtoo you wise soul, how did you do it? And how could you have the courage to trust again?
BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
Divorced, final 03/12
So here we are, I am ready to get the fuck out and put the pieces of my life back together. He has hit my last button with DD and DS the last few days.
I know what I did with the pills was horrible wrong but I also know I gave him an excuse to hold over me till the day I die. I don't want that.