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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastly, I keep reading that man men seem to "grow out of" NPD, but my husband's condition was worsened dramatically in the past few years. He's 46. Is this unusual? I'm wondering if it's just the other circumstances - like the sex addiction.

Choosing Hope

I admire your strength and wisdom in doing everything possible for yourself and your two children to have a better life.

From what I understand about NPD is that there is usually another psychological issue connected with the NPD i.e passive aggressiveness, SA etc

I have never heard of someone 'growing out of NPD'. Most teenagers have "traits" of NPD but as they grow and mature they become healthy functioning adults.

But an adult with NPD does not 'grow out' of it. There is no cure. An NPD does not recognise there is something wrong with them. if they agree to counselling it's either because a) they don't have NPD or b) agreeing to counselling will supply them with their N supply or there is some kind of manipulation going on.

Yes, NPD can get "worse". The facade gets harder to maintain as they eventually lose everything, including looks, money etc. When they have hooked their N supply the real person shows it's ugly self. When they no longer see you as an N supply Prince Charming no longer exists because he was never real. You are seeing the real man now.

The cure for NPD is to get the hell away from them and maintain as much NC as humanly possible.

I wish you all the best for your new life!


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of the time what happens is that by the time the NPD reaches middle age, they have managed to push away everyone significant in their lives. So like the chameleons they are, they adapt and become "softer." For a while, anyway. But they have to lose everything before this great change occurs, and should they start getting supply back...

*it's only a matter of time*
*my grandmother is in her 80s and the only thing that has softened her is dementia*


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
TellitLikeItIs
♀ Member
Member # 33737
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help me find the strength to disengage. He is walking and talking evil. My soul feels raped on a daily basis. Don't really know what's worse anymore ... the bile and ugliness that comes out of his mouth ... or the "I'm sorry ... I love you".
EVERYTHING is about him ... and EVERYTHING wrong is about me.
I will repeat to myself today .. silence is golden, silence is golden.
I have moved into the spare bedroom. I've got nothing left to give.


Me: BS youthful 51
Him: skittle shitting unicorn 54
Married: 14 years
Blended family: 6 kids: 30,25,25,23,21,11
D-day: June 22 2011
living with trickle truth and too many D-days to count
Looks like R may be "real" this time around ...


Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Canada
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, NPD can get "worse". The facade gets harder to maintain as they eventually lose everything, including looks, money etc. When they have hooked their N supply the real person shows it's ugly self. When they no longer see you as an N supply Prince Charming no longer exists because he was never real. You are seeing the real man now.

This describes the situation accurately. It also explains his obsession with our children and how he manages to act like perfect dad several times a week, plus on his nightly phone calls to the children. It's because they still think he's perfect, that he walks on water. They're probably the last people left in his life that think anything good of him.

I am worried about financial security. I have stayed at home for seven years. I am dependent on him for a while at the very least. His career peaked when he was in his thirties. How he's self-employed, working loosely with several other guys, and he's completely dependent on clients that come and go. He did manage to make a good living until the sex addiction took over his time. So now I'm really worried. It's the perfect storm. Do any NPDs manage to hold it together professionally in the long term?

Most of the time what happens is that by the time the NPD reaches middle age, they have managed to push away everyone significant in their lives.

Yes, this is true of him too. Ignored and pushed away all good friends in the last four years or so. It happened very quietly, and I've made lots of new friends in that time, and he's always very affable around them, so I didn't really notice.

(((TellItLikeItIs))) I have no advice for you, but wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. No one should make someone feel that way. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and in such pain.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I have to figure out the lock situation. If I can get him off the ADT account, he won't be able to get in here. The alarm will go off and the police will arrive. But even then, he would have a driver's license in his name with this address. The police would probably let him in - they have more important things to do.

Yes, but if he cuts the phone lines prior to breaking in, no call will be made. This is what my XNPDH did.

Just FYI.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
TellitLikeItIs
♀ Member
Member # 33737
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simply had to share what he just said since I'm shaking ... "go shoot yourself and die and then DD and I will have a nice life ... you know you have to do it, you know"

Please don't hit me with 2x4's ... I know how toxic, evil and dangerous this situation is ... I just have to get out with my daughter (who's in school right now) asap.

A shelter may be my only option ...


Me: BS youthful 51
Him: skittle shitting unicorn 54
Married: 14 years
Blended family: 6 kids: 30,25,25,23,21,11
D-day: June 22 2011
living with trickle truth and too many D-days to count
Looks like R may be "real" this time around ...


Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Canada
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"go shoot yourself and die and then DD and I will have a nice life ... you know you have to do it, you know"

I hope to God that your DD wasn't witness to that exchange.

I'm glad you are looking at options - even shelters. He is clearly off his rocker. Please be extra alert at all times. That was a very scary statement he made.

Do you have guns in the house? Has he ever made threats against your life? I'm both angry and scared for you. Please be careful.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I came here to the NPD Thread right in time.

Today my STBX showed up in the middle of the afternoon to yell at me for paying a bill and leaving him with very little cash reserve. It's a long story, and I'm too exhausted to tell it again here.

But the important thing is that I was out with the children at the time, who have spring break this week. When we got home, the chain was across the front door - in other words, he was in the house. He came to the front door and the kids were yelling, Daddy Daddy.

Then he told them to go downstairs so we could talk. I stood by the front door with my cellphone in my hand. He went on and on about the money and I told him to leave, quietly and firmly, over and over again like I was talking to a child. And he left.

I KNEW it was too easy. When I went upstairs, I realized that my laptop was out on the desk. He had an hour to go through all my personal email to friends, family members, and attorneys. He emailed at least one of them to himself - I assume he emailed quite a few of them to himself but he was in a hurry when heard us enter the house, so he didn't delete the last one from my sent box. These emails were HIGHLY personal in nature and often very embarrassing - remember I'm divorcing a sex addict. Plus I'm strategizing different approaches to the divorce, and to screwing him over. DAMN.

Then he sent me an email telling me that he knows the name of my attorney, that he's been paying all the bills while only getting minimal access to the kids (lie and lie), that he knows I've been paying my CC debt down while only paying the minimum on his cards (true, but legal and suggested by my attorney), threatened that both of us are responsible for the 2011 tax bill and that he'll declare bankruptcy (somehow he didn't know that I can file separately and I'm all ready to go with the attorney and accountant), that he'll claim I was abusive and violent and broke things and would put my oldest son on the stand (he's talking about one incident on D-Day), and that I will NEVER get the house and that it will be put on the market to pay his legal bills. He also said over and over again that his behavior was never done in front of our children, and if I start mud-slinging he would lose his job, and the kids and I would be on the street.

Throughout this nutty email, he would break off the threats and tell me that he didn't want a divorce, that he missed ME AND THE KIDS, and that he LOVED us all.

It was like a NPD manifesto. I just got to this thread on time. It literally might save me and my children.

Unfortunately, I can't talk to the lawyer until tomorrow morning. I assume he can't use the emails in court? He had no permission to go into my email account and forward message to himself.

Things are deteriorating here FAST. And tomorrow he is supposed to come here to visit the children from 4pm until bedtime. In MY HOUSE. (All visitation is done here b/c he lives with OW/Sex Addict.

Any advice greatly appreciated. I'm literally shaking.
-Hope



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing Hope, will you please please please have someone else in your home tomorrow evening during visitation? A friend, family member, someone from church, someone. Just someone there who might be just enough of a "distraction" that you & your WH can get through the visitation?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, damage control. Accept the worst possible scenario. Imagine that he copied himself on everything in your mailbox. So what does he have?

Strategy for your L? An intelligent person who had their own L could have gotten legal advice that would lead to the strategy and likely action.

You shared your thoughts and fears about his SA? He knows what he is and what he's done. If you talked about it... it's not news to him.

As for his threat to claim violence on your part. Right now, how did he voice this? Like you did- that he'll "claim" you did these things? Or did he threaten to tell people you did this? Or did he say, remember when you blah, blah, blah. Think about it. Does it sound like a threat?

Now protect yourself. Print important emails. Forward everything to a new email account. Change your password. Look at your filters. Did he change you settings so that he is copied on everything? (I have this filter on my kids email accounts)

I don't know as for using emails in court. What does he gain?

Threats against you and the house are pointless to worry about at this point. Threats about losing his job are considerations you should be preparing for because the addiction makes working less likely and successfully working even less so. (experience here.)

So you figure out how to self support and take the sting out of the threats to put you and the kids on the street.

((((hope))))

hang tough. You are strong and you will be ok.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, March 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Damage control: in short, he learned that I have an attorney and a strategy and that I'm actually following the attorney's advice to squeeze him and protect myself and my children.

On the surface it doesn't seem so bad. But STBX goes crazy when he doesn't get what he wants or if he feels that he's being screwed over. This afternoon he yelled at me for a few minutes about money, but I should have known that he retreated too fast. It's because he had found my laptop and went through all my personal emails and forwarded them to himself! He was probably feeling pretty smart and smut.

But he's going to get very angry when he realizes that I'm actively moving forward. He will take everything personally. This is someone who believes that he can stay married to me, pay 75 percent of our bills, act out in sexually dangerous and deviant ways while living with OW, and still act like the perfect H and dad in our neighborhood! And I won't tell anyone or divorce him.

So I'm worried about what tomorrow will bring.

I will talk to my L at 8:30 am. I have the alarm on tonight, and I'll sleep with the phone by my side. No melatonin for me tonight.

Thank you again everyone.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking to see how people survived the evening!


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there,
I lived through another night with off the rocker wh...
I am learning to be clam and collected when he says something STUPID or MEAN...
and when walk away with diginity.
How was yours?


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

13 months on from getting off the NPD merry go round ..


I haven't been ill for ages. The last few days I've had the flu. But along with the fever and aches and pains was this weird feeling of vulnerability and fear.

Why fear?

Then I remembered when ever I was feeling needy when with NPDWH, i:e if sick or sad or grieving, Mr NPD would get nasty. He would express that nastiness by neglecting me or starting a fight out of nothing so I could witness his outrage at how "selfish" I was to have needs.

I've spent the last day or two affirming to myself "I am safe. I am loved. I have the right to be cared for. I am safe".


Just another story to motivate those still in an NPD relationship to never ever give up leaving the son's of bitches.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the confirmation. I am 7 months from S, but I see the cycle now. It will always, has always been, about him.

The affair, forgive me, never about my hurt.

Miscarriage, get over it.

Money, spend as I wish.

You are hurting, you'll never forgive me.

Get out, get over, get on.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Violated
♀ Member
Member # 21239
Frustrated  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DS22 believes my FWH has NPD. I can't stop shaking. I think he may have other disorders too. H took the personality test this week, so we get some answers in 2 wks. I'm trying desperately not to


Divorced 10/2013

Posts: 503 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: West Coast
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DS22 believes my FWH has NPD. I can't stop shaking. I think he may have other disorders too. H took the personality test this week, so we get some answers in 2 wks. I'm trying desperately not to

Violated

At first it does come as a complete shock when you discover your WS isn't who you thought he was and all that charm, the promises, the romance and the declarations that he's never loved another person as much as he loves you in the beginning was just a facade to hook you .. his N supply.

But .. if your FWH is NPD then eventually everything will start to make sense. All the craziness, all the times you thought it was YOU, you'll realise it wasn't about you. It's about HIM.

It's not surprising if your FWH has another disorder. It goes with NPD. Before the A, before I knew about NPD I bought a book about Passive Aggressive Men. A lot of it fit, but not all. Once I understood about NPD it all made sense. I believe my XNPDWH is both NPD and PA.

I strongly recommend reading as much as you can about NPD before you make any life changing decisions.

If your FWH is NPD you will know what you need to do.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
QUIETSTORM
♀ Member
Member # 23563
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know why I have never popped in this thread before.

I have found so much healing and validation from the posts I've read. The crazy hell of living with a NPD is so hard to explain to others but I see my story in the ones shared here.

It is exhausting living with an NPD! They should be easy to leave, but it seems like we hang on to them longer than the truly good ones we let go for smaller offenses. The bait and switch performed by an NPD is mind-boggling and the victim finds themself scrambling in an endless loop trying to regain the earlier "glory". This is when the N treated them like they were pure gold to "hook" them.

I have made myself almost crazy trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense at all. STBXWH is NPD and would say things like this:

(morning): "I love you for having my daughter, but the marriage is dead."
(that same afternoon)" I really do love you and want to work things out. Are you talking to another guy? I don't want anyone else to have you."
(the same evening) "You won't get a dime from me and I'll make your life hell if you try to screw me over". (financially)

I never know who is coming through the door when he gets off work.
I've never seen anyone so in love with themselves or so arrogant.
If he hurts anyone, they better " quickly get over it", but if he is wronged in the smallest way it is announced to the world and he never lets it go.
One day you're the greatest thing since sliced bread and the next you are poop on the bottom of their shoe.
I have been married to STBXWH for almost 8 years and he has almost never held me when I cry. In fact it seems to irritate him when I show emotion.
He can't stand for anyone to be more successful than him and brags about his job.
I could never give him enough attention and he became insanely jealous of our own DD when I became a mom.
He will step on his own mom, me, or anyone else to get to where he wants to be.
When it comes to something he wants money is no object but doesn't show the same generosity towards me.

I wouldn't even know how to react to a "normal" guy now and will definitely not date anytime soon after the D is final.


ME BW 35
HIM WH 41 (the goblin)narcissist
Married 8 years, together 15
DD 4
D-Day1 3-19-09
D-Day2 2-11-12
MOW #1 (buffalo)
MOW #2 (easy bake)

Done trying...Divorce filed 3-28-12..final 7/24/12 (same date as marriage)


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Iowa
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The bait and switch performed by an NPD is mind-boggling and the victim finds themself scrambling in an endless loop trying to regain the earlier "glory". This is when the N treated them like they were pure gold to "hook" them.


This is NPD 101 right out of the NPD handbook.

I think most of us stayed around longer than we "should" have hoping Mr Charming would reappear.

The jealousy of your DD is also NPD handbook.My NPD said the same thing. He would also get pissed whenever he was home and I spent more than 10 mins on the phone to friends. I ended up making calls to friends when he wasn't home. he wouldn't say anything overt but he'd hang around me and sigh and tsk tsk to make me feel really uncomfortable.

Yet he'd never want to spend time with me in the last few years of our "marriage". It seemed I had to be ready and on call if he needed my attention but if I had needs he get angry.

The bait & switch routine is designed to keep us off balance. It's easier to manipulate us that way. It also feeds into their need for chaos and drama and to feel powerful. My XNPD took great pleasure in seeing me breakdown in tears of frustration.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, April 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question about something that's been niggling at me.

I read that most NPD's are very successful in the work place.

My XNPD wasn't. Well, he kind of was. It's so confusing. In the 10 years we were together he had 5 jobs. When I met him he was unemployed. With each job he'd brag about how great he was at his job but he'd always end up saying his employers were idiots and he'd leave. He tried twice to take on study. He thought he'd make a fantastic counsellor because "everyone" said so but when he started the psychology course he had no idea and I was the one who ended up doing his essays for him until I said I couldn't do it while holding down my own job. Then he spent $$$$ on another course only to have a emotional breakdown a few weeks into his new job .. so he left. Then he tried another course, passed and got a job which he actually stayed at for a few years but during his A he did everything he could to sabotage it. It was only because his employer liked him (Mr Charm remember)that I believe he wasn't sacked at that time. When he left me he left his job to move to another town. So that's 6 jobs in 11 years and he's in his late 40's.

And as for money .. OMFG!

He constantly took out loans to buy a better car every few years. He'd take out loans to start his own business but never actually started them (a couple of times he actually wanted me to start them!). But they made no sense. I don't have a "business mind" but any idiot would have known his business plans were doomed to failure. WTF!

Do others have NPD spouses like this too?


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
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