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User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, February 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((caregiver))))
Thank you !! You have been one of "my" great supporters throughout this year, long before I became a member.
I learned from you and it helped tremendously. Thank you!!!
I guess it is normal to be sad and feel like a failure after a divorce on the other hand I have to realise that NPD can't be cure and I should be grateful to not have to take care of him .

Yes, you are right disc.., that the contact won't stop because of the kids. They are my Achilles heel and I just hope to be able to get them through this ok.
My hope is, he moves to OW, which is far from us ( 6 hours) and has a child with her , that would keep him busy. Plus he doesn't get any younger and my kids get older...... So nature and the age gap between us actually could become a real advantage for the kids .


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 52 | Registered: Nov 2011
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My hope is, he moves to OW, which is far from us ( 6 hours) and has a child with her , that would keep him busy. Plus he doesn't get any younger and my kids get older...... So nature and the age gap between us actually could become a real advantage for the kids

That is my hope as well.

His married OW lives in Switzerland. They had plans for her to leave her husband and come here. She went so far as to see a lawyer and told husband, family and friends. They apparently told her she's crazy. Yep, she is. She won't leave husband now and told WS so. He was upset and was still talking to her long distance for hours and hours. Now he is going to visit her next week. I guess the 2 men are going to share her and it's ok with both of them. How does this work with a N? How can he share her? How can her husband just accept this? I think it's disgusting and I am so upset that I have to deal with this excuse for a human in any way because I let him impregnate me. I am so disgusted.

What can I do to protect the kids?


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(9)
WS: Him 49 (X...together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, he moved out Sept. 11, 2011...
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder
I'm finding that I am growing more and more fond of his absence.

Posts: 1223 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((free))))) (((((care))))) (((((tribe)))))

My hope for each of us is that we are able to live normally again, that we have peace and joy in our lives after our D's. And that our Npets move away for some OW/OM who wants them.

Every once in a while, I feel sad that the marriage is not what I thought it was, and it annoys me. I don't want to feel sad. I want to be angry until it's over so that I don't wobble. Every time I say I won't wobble again, I do. I know it's natural to have a difficult time letting go, but I just hate it.

(((((tribe))))) We deserve better than dealing with Npets.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Source of the Wobble.

For me it is just that I miss the life and comfort I once felt before dday. I was content with my marriage. Maybe not happy, but content. I, fortunately did not allow her needs to completely control me. I still had a life of my own and maintained a life that we shared. She never had a life of her own and resented the things I did on my own. And that was the source of most of the arguments, but I did not give up my own world. I just accepted that I would get bitched at when I got home from hunting or fishing.....there was always a price to pay. And I was content with that. I was comfortable with that. So I had peace.

I want that back. I WISH I had that back. However, I KNOW I can not ever have that peace back again. Not with what I know now. And not with who she is now. My current life is full of low self esteem (I am getting it back slowly), poverty (I am working my way back out of the hole), emotional unrest (the WISHING thing will fade with time and healing), hurt (yes it still hurts to think of the betrayal and being thrown away), the uncertainty of my future (Spent 30 years working towards the "Golden Years", and now they are upon me and I am starting from scratch).

So yes, I often find myself missing my life. I often find myself wishing she could wake up one day and suddenly be human. I often wish that I could get that ignorant bliss back. Then reality slaps me a couple of times.....and it hurts. It makes me wobble.

I am not sure if that is the source of EVERYONE'S wobble. But, that is the source of mine......and I hate wobbling. Wobbling leads to the hurt inside....the anxiety....and probably my nightmares.

But this is the hand I was dealt. And I have to play it the best I can. I have to try to make a silk purse out of this sow's ear. I don't have a choice. Bottom line.....none of us have a choice. We just have to duck our head and plow through this. When I am not wobbling, I am happy with my new peace. When I think of my old peace.....I wobble.

Maybe it is just not accepting the old peace is gone.....but in my head it is gone. My head accepts my new peace and understands it.....My heart still hasn't.....but it will. My heart still WISHES for the past.....My brain celebrates the future.

And that is the sum of my contemplations about the wobble.

footnote: Even though I KNOW we will never be together again, I still have this WISH that she will wake up and validate me and the marriage. I WISH she would just come to me and say "I really fucked up and I know that now". That would give me peace. My response would be "yeh, you really fucked up and we both have lost a lot, but too late to worry bout that now. I wish you peace and happiness in your future and I am sorry things did not work out the way we planned". But that is not likely to happen...... any time soon anyways.....but one can always WISH.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uggh!!! Trigger happy finger double clutched right into a double post.

[This message edited by Frank2010 at 11:17 AM, February 23rd (Thursday)]


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it is just that I miss the life and comfort I once felt before dday. I was content with my marriage. Maybe not happy, but content. I, fortunately did not allow her needs to completely control me. I still had a life of my own and maintained a life that we shared. She never had a life of her own and resented the things I did on my own. And that was the source of most of the arguments, but I did not give up my own world. I just accepted that I would get bitched at when I got home

I can very much relate to this quoted part.

I was discussing this with my counselor yesterday. I grew up poor, so security is very important to me. And now he's taken away the security of my relationship, as well as financial security as now I can only rely on myself (after putting him through med school and anticipating having his income to help support us since I'd been our sole support for so long.)

But she reminded me that I never really had the emotional support from him that I needed. We guess that I was probably doing upwards of 80% of the work in this marriage, so she said when I get in a healthy relationship where it's truly 50/50, I will just be amazed.

But there are still times when I hope that we can reconcile. And I'm even doing MC with him to see if we can get to that point, though it seems less and less likely every day.

HUGS to everyone!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3097 | Registered: Dec 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But this is the hand I was dealt. And I have to play it the best I can. I have to try to make a silk purse out of this sow's ear. I don't have a choice. Bottom line.....none of us have a choice. We just have to duck our head and plow through this. When I am not wobbling, I am happy with my new peace. When I think of my old peace.....I wobble.
And your footnote.

This.

I know this is the source of my wobble. I like the idea of moving on and having what will be so much more peaceful. But the old peace of knowing what I have, or thought I had, is where the wobble comes in. But I am a Weeble, and I won't fall down. There is no going back, now that I know what I'll be forced to live with if he stays. My life will be what I can make of it, not what I settled for.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The wobble is horrible!!!

Have any of you watched "Sylvia"? I think it's quite a few years old (10+?). It's about poet, Sylvia Plath, and her marriage to Ted Hughes (poet) in the 60's.

It's very triggery so only watch it if you want to release toxins and CRY for 2 hours.

Not only did Sylvia commit suicide, but the woman he was cheating with (one of many) when he left her did as well a couple of years later!

All I could think of when watching was wow, HE'S N for sure.

My H saw a lot of himself in her H, and a lot of me in her.

My assistant (she's one of 2 people who know my sitch) sent this song to me today. She said it's "my song", but it could apply to many of us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MicrInh1_E

Sorry if the song makes you cry too...

HUGS


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Shocked  Posted: 4:39 PM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know my wobble is done, he had the last chance, if he had understood my hesitation, with grace, I would have given, maybe. They screwed around, but its your fault you are holding them accountable. They refuse to do what you need, but do a halfassed effort after ignoring you forever, then you are unforgiving.

Done, I don't even feel disappointment anymore.

It is a beautiful day and spring is on its way. Bring on the new life.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, WH has a call in to my old therapist. He came in and was very pleased to announce it. "You didn't think I'd do it, did you?" I shrugged my shoulders and continued my jigsaw puzzle. He said something about doing it for me, and I replied, "It's not about doing it for me. It's about being willing to work on yourself and what you need to fix." (Which is my new code for, "NPD's don't work on themselves, so whatever.") He said something about knowing how it works, and I said I did, too, after 8 years of therapy. He said, "That sounds like a decision's already been made."

I was thinking, "Really? You're just NOW getting that after I said it multiple times last week?"

So, he was sad as he left the room. He gave me permission to ask him to leave if therapy doesn't work.

Again, I was thinking, "Really? I have permission? I needed your permission?"

What they don't talk themselves into believing would fill a thimble. How many times do I have to say I'm tired of being disrespected, ignored, lied to, cheated on, mistreated, etc? Any sadness I had is aimed at my youngest, who will be relieved to be out from under the little dictator, but sad that he's not with his dad. But his life will be better when he's not afraid to show what he feels.

ETA: That unleashed a flood of tears. When will I stop being shocked at my own reactions?

[This message edited by SoHurt at 6:33 PM, February 23rd (Thursday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided to embrace my reactions, shocked or not, I embraced the tears hurrying down my cheeks, wetting my shirt, as the first real thing that there was that I could not be blamed for. I treasured them, wet, salty things.

It was the sound of the sawing of my chains


Posts: 5998 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am way past any "wobble" or any missing of my old life with my NPD.

Everything that we had was only a charade. He was playing a role and therefore, playing a cruel joke....on me.

No matter how "real" and how much love I felt at the time and how committed I was, it was a one person marriage. NPD's aren't real people. They just look like it. They're more like entities who survive by instinct, sort of like animals.

In some weird way, it's almost like they can't help how fucked up they are. It's like they are hard wired to lie, to cheat, to be surrounded by drama and chaos, to be incredibly selfish and throw hugh temper tantrums. It's like they can't be any other way. They try, but it only works for a little while.

We won't get an apology from an NPD....and even if we did....how would you know if it was sincere or just another show?

[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:34 PM, February 23rd (Thursday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the first real thing that there was that I could not be blamed for. I treasured them, wet, salty things.

It was the sound of the sawing of my chains

jj, you're right. And I will treasure every wet, salty one. For as you say, they are the sound of the sawing of my chains.

They represent years of bondage falling away, miles of unspoken words, and millions of hidden feelings. They are mine, and mine alone. I've earned the right to spill them, finally.

I think you are right.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, February 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate this time of night when you can't sleep and are alone in the house with what once was. I know I wont go back, I know I am moving forward, but this waiting for the divorce is painful. Its like a constant reminder that no matter how much you detach, that you are still legally attached. That they don't care about anyone but themselves, that they would rather be alone and pretend to be okay with all of this than do what any normal decent person would do. Oh they would do it if it was a show that others would see, that would feed their ego, that other women would drool over. "What a wonderful husband he is, I wish mine would......", blah, blah, blah.

There are no more tears for me, no going back, about no more wobble, just a dream of what could have been. But here I am living in SI world because I know you know the doubts, the lost hope and such a waste of time this all has been. It is all better in the light of day, and one more day away from crazyland.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, February 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. I know I wont go back, I know I am moving forward, but this waiting for the divorce is painful. Its like a constant reminder that no matter how much you detach, that you are still legally attached.

Although finally after the divorce ( Wednesday ) I am sad and can finally cry I am reliefed I am not legally responsable for him any more.

One of his friends said that after I went he is aging rapidly and has lost a lot of his wit and charme.
They said that retirement , loss of income etc. also worry my ex NPD .
They both hardly have contact and don't consider themselves as friends anymore.

He told me that he is broke because of the divorce settlements one day only to proudly tell me he is now always buying first class tickets (train)....

What a life: no friends, no family, no well paid job, just a young ow, kissing his feet.... I wouldn't want to swop.


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 52 | Registered: Nov 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, February 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce from an NPD isn'r the end if you have kids. My NPD has held the kids under his thumb. Even though he doesn't pay child support - he is a God - I tried to explain to my youngest son that his father has not purchsed a t-shirt or a bag of groceries for him in 2 years, but dad is a laugh riot a minute and promises trips and motorcycles and fantasies.... and mom cleans the house and buys the clothes and cooks and worries about how to pay the electic bill...

disc, so true!! thus the source of my stumbling. Because he has lost the far away focus of the OW (as much as I can tell). It makes me feel like I am back under the microscope and vulnerable to the NPD attention and/or rage. It could be a premature worry as nothing has shown true yet. Other than a promise to coach soccer for both the boys. *shudder... This will mean more CONTACT twice a week.

Because full time fun time dad is baaaaaaaack. Every other weekend fun was bad enough since I am the homework, bill paying stressed out parent...

And here is the cycle of my rage and frustration. It does make my late night musings far from wistful. But I understand the grieving for the time before now. Whether the marriage was healthy or not, the innocence we had for what we lived with, for the world in general! that is a grief I can relate to.

I feel like I had a sheltered existence where the evil in the world was "out there." Now the evil in the world is known and known intimately. And even worse, it has the potential to influence or harm my children.

I think No Contact for me has been a way to bury my head in the sand. CONTACT drives home the very real threat and evil. I prefer denial....

I guess the loss of the OW, (because whether they are broken up or not- he will need a more constant source of attention) could mean he'll become distracted by other women or internet action. Or he could go into a cycle of "look how normal I am!"

I feel like my brain is a hamster wheel of "he could." I WISH it didn't matter what he could do. I wish I didn't have small children and the constant "it's never over" relationship of ANY kind with the NPD.

I'll be shoring myself up and leaning on my fellow travelers here in NPDland. Thanks for being here, (((tribe))).


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5289 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, February 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can SO relate to so much you guys are saying. Although I only have the one youngest, who will be 15 in April, it will still be a connection I do not want. Fishing season will start, and they will go out to the river together. I can't see DS staying home; he loves fishing, and he's good at it. And there will be other things like family pow wows to go to. Then there will be the grandkids to bring him around.

And all the friends I have at the river will wonder where I am, the family I will miss seeing because I won't be at the pow wows, the other things that I won't be part of anymore.

When I have a car, I will take my son fishing, though, and he can go to the pow wows with his brothers, who stay overnight. That will minimize contact for both of us, because WH does not stay. I am thinking of plenty of ways to avoid him as much as possible.

He is currently chapping my ass with kisses. No apologies, no changes in wrong behavior... nothing meaningful. Just the same, day in and day out, except for the ass kissing. Life in NPD land sucks. It just sucks.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, February 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((caregiver)))

Your concerns are valid. They often return to an old supply when their current supply vanishes. One can only hope he had a new supply in place before he departed his last supply. Maybe he will not view you as a source of supply since all of the NC history. I hope so for your sake. And yes, he may use the kids as part of his supply network....put nothing past him.

You described my wishing for the past ignorant bliss very elequantly. Thankfully my children are all grown so my exposure to NPD STBX will be limited.....we still share them in our lives, as well as our grandchildren. My son will begin having children soon and him and I are very close. The NPD STBX and the NPD ILs are already trying to "win" him back into the fold.....but my son is wise enough to see that they had no relationship with him for so long and this is just a tactic to "pull in the reenforcments" and "WIN" the battle. Their "with me or against me" mentality is tearing this family to pieces. I can't wait to be gone from here so that this family can settle into some form of sanity. I feel horrible that my kids and grandkids are being forced into this battle that should have been just mine and the STBX. I have not asked them to choose sides......The STBX and ILs are forcing them to. That is cruel and unfair to them. But then the dark side doesn't care who gets hurt......as long as they are right and they win.

Yes.....I long for the peace of ignorant bliss.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have to share how the Karma Bus sideswiped WH a while ago.

He was driving down the highway, and a large vehicle was on the shoulder. WH is not the type to be ONE CAR behind a large vehicle when it pulls back off the shoulder. "End shoulder driving" sign was dead ahead, but he shoved past the vehicle anyway. Lights and sirens.

He got PUT IN THE BACK OF THE TROOPER'S CAR while he ran the license, registration, etc. WH has a record. He was sweating bullets, because he has NOT changed the van into his name, but has driven it for MONTHS with a title that is signed but not dated. This is illegal. Also got talked to about the trooper at the top of the hill seeing his cell phone in his hand. Because he had not put it to his ear, he did not get a ticket for that.

These are all things I have told him are illegal, and are going to get him in trouble. He does what he wants. Always has, always does. Law means nothing.

Anyway, he got off with a warning. I had to really focus on my jigsaw puzzle, (THANK GOD FOR THAT GAME!) in order not to laugh and say, "BEEP! BEEP! That Karma Bus is coming for you!"

I can't wait to be no longer legally responsible for anything he does, although I found myself wishing he'd gotten nailed. He avoids getting in trouble with the state for not having a dealer's license while he sells cars, because of those signed, undated titles and bills of sale. If the vehicle isn't in his name, they can't "pin" it on him. But eventually, the state may get an anonymous call regarding those things.

ETA: He's sure it's because it's the 24th, and 2 and 4 add up to 6, which is his "UNLUCKY number, OF COURSE!" and is shaking like a leaf.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 2:59 PM, February 24th (Friday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt, I am sure the karma bus will hit them all in the end!

Npds are pathological liars, cheaters, feel entitled....

How can they age with grace?
And the older they get, the more average they become!!!!!

And I am sure most people will see through the facade. It is a question of time.

As for the kids I can so relate. Thank you all for being here ((((( tribe)))))
(although it is sad we all finally ended up in this thread, isn't it?)


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 52 | Registered: Nov 2011
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