He is convinced that no one has the ability to make you feel bad about yourself if you have high self-esteem.
He says if you love yourself, no one else can hurt you.
He says if you love yourself, no one else can hurt you.
Both of these statements sound like versions of things I heard from Stretch. They were justifications for why my feelings of devastation were MY fault and MY failings and of course it resolved him of all responsibility for the pain I felt or the healing process. It sounds like blame shifting with a full on dose of very wide eyed innocence... Whaaaaaat??
his values change depending on who he is hanging out with
sounds like a chameleon without a soul...
2_4 trust your gut. That primitive fight or flight response to danger is well honed in someone used to having danger at their back.
um, lying and minimizing... I have a theory. It is about power and the power of the ego to convince the NPD that if they say it and if they believe it, it IS true and if they will it - it is true for everyone else too. I have seen Stretch lie about things that have no purpose or relevance. Lies that were obvious or not so obvious, but still lies. Sometimes I thought it was a game, kinda like a cat plays with a mouse? other times I thought it was just habit.
Welcome new tribe members. This is the best damn group of people...
Sometimes I thought it was a game, kinda like a cat plays with a mouse? other times I thought it was just habit.
I googled "mind games" shortly after d-day, and when he saw it he said, "I am not playing mind games".
I am not playing mind games
Their entire existence is nothing but mind games.
It is within them, as they teeter and yaw back and forth within themselves.
One moment, frightened at touching the toxic shame that is one false self-image, the next,
veering to the other false self-image, the charming skittle-shitter.
In-between, there's nothing. Nothing but a hollow echo of their desperate passage through emptiness.
No core. No there there.
Is it any wonder why they target those they perceive as least likely to play mind games? (and, as a result, least likely to understand such psychic slobber?)
There you go.
That would be you.
Lots of gifts to give. (all for them!)
and most of all;
That's why we see
BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
Divorced, final 03/12
When my NPD WH threathens suicide, I know it's to get a reaction out of me, and it worked for the first few months, how do I not get physically ill? What self-talk can I do so I don't take it in? I know what he's trying to do. He is not in the house so he can't see me but I still suffer so much internal tension.
I am wise and old... and lumped in with two of my favorite people.
There are so many wise souls here. I have walked in the comfort of the the members who post here and share their stories and the hope of life after NPD.
And a zebraduck makes me smile every time.
Here's to a great weekend, tribe.
Time for a song
Thanks Free, that's nice of you!
We've seen the suicide card played. A lot!
I'm wondering. If you limit his means of communication (iow, go NC as much as possible),
how is he getting this message to you?
What I'm thinking is capture it, via text, vm, or verbal.
Use a VAR, a friend listening to your phone which is on, in your pocket.
Record it in some way.
You want to do the responsible thing, right?
He can be involuntarily committed if you present evidence to the correct authorities. I've read for 3 days. Might differ in your area, idk.
I know it's hard and a burden. Who threatens to do this to hurt another? ugger mugger fuggers!
But it brings up an important point.
Begin documenting if you haven't started yet.
Vars tucked away all over the house, Vars on you - I don't care. Do it. Document.
What is basically happening is that your WH tries to control you, make you suffer and care about him.
I had a long discussion with the two closest friends of my NPDWH when we thought he might come up with a threat like this. They told me these three things:
First of all NPDs hardly commit suicide if they have still supply from somebody.
Second- he is a grown up and responsible for his actions. If he would REALLY want to do it you cannot do anything to stop him anyway.
Third- no matter what happens YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE! NOTHING OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
The problem is that if you show him you care about his threat he will continue to do it. He gets excellent narcisssistic supply out of your worries and tensness.
Donīt give it to him!
I do see an IC. He is SO good too. I like him. My IC laughed when I told him that I didn't react with "reasoning" him out of it. Honestly, I was so tired of his crap that the only thing I said in my head was , man all that blood I'll have to clean up. Bad I know. I do value life. My life has just as much value.
I have no contact with him...although he tries with me through texts. I made him leave Monday night. I haven't caved yet and boy does he put on the charm..and pity...But I'm holding on.(really he wanted to leave because I never could make him do anything)
Our adult kids are sick of his pity party to us but having the time of his life on is own and OW is back in his life. She can have him too. I want OUT.
Lastnight, my daughter saw with her own eyes and was furious with her dad. She told me, "Get out now mom.!!"
LOL, I did keep them in the dark about a lot of this.
So Tuesday I meet with a really good attorney. YAY ME!!
I have to prepare myself for the mean, cruel, self-serving fuckhead he is when he gets served. He can bully me or guilt me into giving in. My daughter works with other great Attorneys and they are going to help me with the assets. (We own a lot of rental property) Plus his business. I am hoping I can keep saying, 'Talk this over with my lawyer'
I can do this. I can do tis. I can do this.
Thanks again for all the saneness on this thread...I'm going to check out thread 8 as mentioned here
I met him and he is FULL of knowledge about abusive men. I worked as a Couselor/Case Manager at a Domestic Violence Shelter. I have the signed book"Why Does He DO That?" I'm going to re-read that for me.
You know something? All the while he was speaking, I heard my WH in his speech and TALKED myself out of NOT believing this applied to my WH!!! MAN. I am dumb.
Mr Bancroft is aware of women who live with NPD that he was able to see the signs and damage NPD impose on the women in the room. He pulled me aside and talked with me. An unknown 2x4 ya thunk? (rolls eyes)
I ACTUALLY defended my NPD!!! WOW. WOW. Just like women of DV. They don't see it when they are in it. We are the same with NPD. I was blinded by his charm...OMG!!! Sometimes revelations are exciting and painful at the same time. 1. Validates that you're not insane or "too sensitive" and 2. Motivation to get out!.3. The workings of NPD makes one head spins.
I am getting my mojo, kick ass and take names old self back..
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
Excellent that your daughter helps you to get your ducks in a row. The folks here at SI helped me a great deal, because I realised that I have to get all details and informations in a calm and quit way BEFORE I file....
You are already doing it-great!!!!
Be proud of yourself for what you achieved so far.
Nobody needs an NPD in the house, especially none who is unfaithful. You deserve better than that.
It is amazing, isn't it?
Although I am a doctor I couldn't see it (NPD) when living the "fairy tale".
Now of course my eyes are wide open and I will never be fooled !
But apart from the books I realised that people here were the only ones who really understood what goes on on a daily basis. No book can help to try to do the right things within a special situation. For example how to get the kids through this safe (((cg))).
Plus the tribe helps a lot to realise you are the one that's sane!!!!!!!
This thread is a blessing. The kindness and caring of everyone here is so refreshing and NEEDED for me.
((HUGS)) to you all
My oldest DS shared this gem with me. I am sure he got it straight from Stretch and it is a glimpse into the delusion that is the brain of a NPD idiot and nothing but ego.
DS: Dad doesn't try to talk too much to your friends as a sign of respect to you.
Me: oh? (seriously? RESPECT? )
DS: Yeah, Dad doesn't want them to think you're crazy because you told them all that bad stuff about him and they would see he's really a nice guy.
Me: ** crickets...
I think after the world rubber band snapped back into a normal speed and sound for me I may have said something along the lines of how the parents of DS's friends (my friends that Stretch has access to) would be friendly with their dad out of respect for DS... but I am not sure. I was in shock and I don't have a firm recollection.
The NPD can and will make you crazy or make you feel crazy or sound crazy to others by bending reality by the force of their will... It is a mighty fine disorder.
[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 8:59 PM, May 5th (Saturday)]
@2_4--It sounds like you are strong and ready to do this. I'm glad you are talking to an attorney right away. It's good to know your rights and how to best proceed while protecting yourself and your assets. In fact, if you live in a small town, it might be fun to consult with all of the good attorneys in town. After all, once they've spoken to you, they can't represent him.
As far as the suicide threats go, I'd ignore that too. Or do as suggested and report it to the local authorities who can see to it that he gets the psychiatric help he needs. If the N wants attention so badly, he can get lots and lots of it in the psych hospital.
I have to prepare myself for the mean, cruel, self-serving fuckhead he is when he gets served. He can bully me or guilt me into giving in.
I dealt with this. The NPD has the potential to become very ugly and scary when they experience loss of control. On this thread we've heard about all sorts of craziness. In addition to nasty verbal abuse and manipulations, my NPD began doing crazy stalking sort of stuff. He was driving past the house, parking out front, calling the house at odd hours. He would proposition me for sex. He became increasingly physically violent with my children. He was also coming into the house and going through things. Several items went missing and he copied and deleted things from the computer.
Be alert and prepared for any potential sort of crazy.
In fact, one of the first bits of advice I got on this thread years back was from jj in response to my N's stalking. It was this: "...and put a lock on the back gate too!" I still chuckle when I think of that advice, but it's so true. You just can't put anything past them.
I did put a lock on my gate, btw. I also changed the locks (which infuriated him, of course). I put dowels in all of the sliding doors and windows, and I made sure I had both of the garage door remotes.
Also remember this sage advice: No Contact is your best friend.
((((Tribe)))) Wishing you all peace.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Thanks for pointing the stalking part out. I have to get a few back-up plans for this. He seems to NEED to know my every move. Crazy reasons for it too (well hell it's all crazy) He knew that would drive me crazy but would say, "I love you and I don't want anything to happen to you."
Another interesting new way for NPD to have contact with OW and stalk me. "TANGO." It's an ap for IPhones and PC. Plus it can be turned on a "left" in a car or home to stalk others.
Oh my goodness. So much to think about. Is there a thread that has a list of safety measures? I have a bag packed and all documents (the ones i can get) all planted in a safe place.
I get so overwhelmed. I do appreciate the extra set of eyes on this thread. It forces me to be PRO-ACTIVE instead of RE-ACTIVE.
Hugs to you all.
That brings to mind an important part of the process of healing and detaching. I remember at first thinking; 'should I be really saying this, will it make her unnecessarily paranoid? Isn't it being overly dramatic to suggest these scenarios, and am I just bringing 'worry' to the party? Am I projecting too much of my own sitch, paranoia, and PTSD?
After all, who really does this <fill in the blank> stuff?
Certainly, there was a certain amount of denial in the beginning, the 'this can't be, can it?'
Denial deadens imagination. Part of being pro-active is facing that down, and freeing your mind to plan for your safety. All those things: locks, dowels, VARS, friends,
big dogs lol, the list goes on.
Their reasons for stalking have nothing to do with what comes outta dey moufs, AKA noise... (need translation-see below). It is all about controlling you, hurting you for daring to call them on their ugly selves, and leaving their sorry asses.
I love it when sad & v do NPD translations, and when they & others describe their own subtle word games to elicit responses (mind games, yep! had to learn on the fly). I'm not as talented, but
"I love you and I don't want anything to happen to you."
"I want you to think I love you, and I need to control everything you do."
(I mean, after all the abuse I've put you through over the years, you just know I love you, right?)
Strength. Resolve. Carry On!
We know crazy- it's muttering to yourself, straitjackets and padded rooms. It's not our spouses; they are actually smart, and sociable.
Once you leave one of them, be prepared for anything. They will go at your family and friends. They will take ketchup packets. Mine stole condoms, my father's ax, the garden hose from the back yard. He waited until i left for church to try to take a china closet full of my mother's china.
You cannot be too careful.
He never again threatened suicide.
My promise still stands. Even though we're divorcing, if I ever even suspect he's threatening suicide, I'm calling 911.