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Topic: N P D Thread part 10
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sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027 |  Posted: 5:01 AM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012 |     |
Do NOT be nice. You can bet he has been in your house when you're not there. These freaks are all about control. Their sense of entitlement is astounding. It is all about control for them at this point. And right now he's losing it. So he is trying everything to get it back. The sweet, sappy, lovey text messages are just a trap. He's trying to hook you back into the web. Don't fall for it. He's desperate right now and will pull out all the tools.
Get a big dog that doesn't know him. A dog can hear everything that goes on around the house at night and will alert you if someone is outside. I've got my Stella here with me, bless her heart. She has been a true protector for me over the years. She is a 200 lb Mastiff.  she's laying in her Temperpedic bed snoring away. But I'm not kidding, if some woman with a baby in a baby carriage walked by the front of my house, Stella would wake up, raise her head, listen real careful, and just give me a nice quiet "woof" as if to say, somebody is out there, but they are not a threat and they are on the street where they belong. But if someone comes into the yard like the meter reader or the poor UPS guy (she hates him) she jumps up and I get GIANT "WOOF-WOOF-WOOF" I'm going to eat your face off type of barking. Shakes the whole house. But we've got a system down and she has made me feel safe for the last 9 years. She's a great doggie.
Just get the divorce process going. Don't be afraid. Get a good lawyer and hit hard and fast and don't stop until it's over. Because if you let up and be nice even for one second, he will pounce.
It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
Posts: 7503 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Nebraska | 2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008 | | Posted: 7:49 AM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Thank you Sad 
I have a little shitzu and she thinks she's a wolf then licks ya to death.
You're soo right about the hook. I can already see she anger surfacing.
I see the Attorney this afternoon and am releieved but nervous.
Thank you again
P.S. I will let you guys know how and what my atty said.. Mojo needed
Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.
Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011 | caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622 | | Posted: 3:48 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
I think someone who divorced an NPD coined this oldie but goodie:
Q: You know why divorce is so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it!
Proportionally speaking, the more we spend the more worth it it is to be done with these losers.
I am checking my mailbox daily waiting for my final notice..... ya'll hear a faint cheer on this side of the globe and it will be me in celebration.
Me: 42, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012
Posts: 3966 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place | woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522 | | Posted: 3:52 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Sending mojo, 2_4!
A few other things that came to mind after reading Sadtoo's post: add security to accounts (like banks) that can be accessed by phone using your social security number or other basic info that the N would have. I made it so you have to enter a pin # to get my bank balance. Also, since he is taking things, make sure you remove anything that is valuable, sentimental, or irreplaceable. Send it home with a friend or family member or lock it up in a safety deposit box.
Me: BS
2 kids: DD14 and DS17
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Posts: 7221 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal | caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622 | | Posted: 3:58 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
I went one step further with my bank and had my account flagged not to allow changes over the phone, only in person at a banking site.
How hard is it to have someone call as me who "forgot" the pin number and to get a reset by knowing the very obvious ss#, mother's maiden name and security question answers. I have tripped myself up because I try to answer my security questions "wrong" so he can't figure them out.
These are good safety tips.
Me: 42, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012
Posts: 3966 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place | 2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008 | | Posted: 5:55 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
 The 3rd visit with another lawyer was a waste again...they all want 10 to 15,000.00 as a retainer.
All because all our homes are worth more than 500,000.00 plus the other assets we own.
Fuck my life! Just fuck it.
Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.
Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011 | jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484 | | Posted: 6:41 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
2long, I'm sorry! Hugs and hang in there - do not give up!
Change the password on your email too. When you do, use a random 'reminder' question, NOT your place of birth or mother's maiden name!
Go see in the IT forums if there's a good keylog detector. You say he's been in the house? Make sure your machine is clear. They come is flashdrives too, so check the back for something unusual plugged in.
It helps to just "get it out", right?
Right. It really does - we don't care how bad it seems.
Consider going over to the D forums, and lay your sitch 'out there'. There are incredible peeps in there. I'm sure someone will come up with a helpful idea re: D.
Hugs.
Do not give up!
Imagine. Your best move.
Now imagine it used against you.
Posts: 4391 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas | soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948 | | Posted: 12:37 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
When my stbx and I split up the first time I found out about his online affairs she asked me for my engagement ring back. Now all of her kids are married, she doesn't talk to her grandkids and all but one of those are married so she really has no one to give it to. I didn't have a problem giving it back so I did. Then she asked for the diamond watch that she had given me 9 years before that was from her late husband. That one I didn't give back because she told me she would never wear it again and had always told me she wanted me to have it. Then she had given us some Fitz and something china when we got marrried and the last time I left I was not allowed to take any even though her son doesn't want it. She also had given me a bunch of Picard signed gold vases and she wanted them back. Again I put my foot down because I had asked her for only one piece so that should anything happen to her I would have that one piece to remind me of her. She had also given our granddaughter a set of 5 gold picard spoons and she wanted those back. I couldn't believe that she wanted to take them from a child. Those spoons mean the world to my grandbaby.
My stbx wanted me to give back the brand new wedding set that he had just gotten me for our 11th wedding Anniversary and I plan to sell those after the divorce to pay my attorney.
It just amazes me how they give you things and then want them back even when they are in the wrong.
Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....
Posts: 1132 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Learning who I am again! | sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027 | | Posted: 1:02 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
2_4,
Please don't get discouraged. If you have a large amount of assets and you've been married over 20 years, a $10k retainer is on the low side.
Then factor in that you're divorcing an NPD, it will only go up from there.
I don't want to scare you, but I spent over $40K getting rid of mine. And we were married LESS than 5 years, had no children and very little marital property. I will tell you though, it was worth every single cent I spent.
It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
Posts: 7503 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Nebraska | 2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008 | | Posted: 5:18 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Thanks All.
After sleeping  I feel back in control. I did figure out a way to get the money....it is good to get it out PHEW.
SO, NPD creepo tried to be all sweet as pie  yesterday right after my yucky day saying how 'we are one' and now he's 'seeking God'  and how 'sorry' he is.
I figured out something about myself and my role in this dance of NPD waltz...when I get angry or frustrated with OTHER aspects in my life, I can see his game clearer.
One of things NPD do is make us so tired we lose sight of ourselves. We make stupid choices. We give up and we are always on edge. Just the way NPD's want us to be.
They are relentless. They can run on the rush of their sick and twisted games. They keep us running in circles just to get POWER, then altimately, CONTROL.
Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.
Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011 | sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027 | | Posted: 10:45 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
That's exactly right. This is the "crazy making" of the NPD. They constantly keep you off balance. They are saying one thing, while doing or meaning another. All the while leaving you wondering, WTF?
This is why the NC is so imperative when you split. Think of all the horse crap he served up while things where supposedly good, he's only going to crank it up now, especially when he's completely desperate. And believe me, nothing and I mean NOTHING if off limits. NPD don't know the meaning of boundaries.
I remember thinking, "Oh, he would never do anything that horrible...."
*Not only did he DO those horrible things, he was proud of them. NPD's will stomp all over boundaries. they have no "bottom" where "that's as bad as it gets", because it can and will get worse.
Stay NC and keep a clear head. You don't
And I'm sorry about the money. I remember being shocked in the beginning too. And then it was like, "But then you can get him out of here, right? And it's how much?
That's it??!!"
It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
Posts: 7503 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Nebraska | itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036 | | Posted: 2:57 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Hi everyone. I hope you are all well. I dont come on here very often anymore as I wanted to move on and leave the past behind. However, I will always be grateful to the support I received on this thread.
I actually had a breakdown this time last year - not words I use very much in real life as its still quite painful and I ended up seeing a psychiatrist. It was helpful in helping me deal with the after effects of my relationship with the freak. I even had an eight month relationship last year but ended it as I felt I was not treated well enough. Hows that for progress!!
Getting over a relationship with an npd freak takes years and years. Because its all about the type of person they go for - kind and loving. And because they are not you and are jealous they seek to destroy you.
My shrink said to me that I was groomed and I cried and cried. Things like that don't happen to me and then she said none of it was my fault. My life changed that moment - I felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
It is hard to keep fighting and moving on when you have had contact with an npd freak. But if I only have one thing to contribute to this tread: it is not your fault. I have to sometimes try hard to remember that but it is true. Love to you all dealing with this.
Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england | MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352 | | Posted: 3:57 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Thank you itsabattle. Your words are so important.
I can't remember if I have posted on this thread or not but I relate so well to your stories here that I know I belong.
I posted because 2_4 my stbxWH is "REALLY" remorseful ((sarcasm))and has started with the "Don't you miss me too?" ,"I love you so much." blah blah blah how awesome I am.
Why am I so freakin awesome now? Probably because I won't talk to him when he's working on the road. He comes homes on weekends and lives next door with his mother.
Thank you so much everyone for keeping it REAL! I don't want to believe it but I didn't want to believe that my husband could cheat on me 7 times in 18 years, or hit our kids either.
On that note I have a question? My husband has done the above, cussed me out, broken things in front of me, kicked and thrown our dogs, etc BUT he said to me proudly after DD's "But I never hit you!" Like it was some kind of noble decry. What's up with that?
Shoot, I had another question but my 50 year old brain is fleeting with the thoughts sometimes....
Me BS 50
Him WS 53 Chicken shit,cowardice,serial philanderer.
Married 17 yrs, Together for 20 ~ DD#1 10/17/11, DD#2 10/23/11 10/23/11 - Sent him to live with his mother.
DD#3 1/20/13 - effing liar <<smmfh>>
Posts: 225 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound | MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352 | | Posted: 4:03 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Oh I remember what it was. It wasn't really a question, just more of maybe an affirmation of my husbands NPD. Suggestions?
He's had 6 ons while traveling, or so he says. Another woman, back in 2006, he attempted to see when he traveled to a particular city for work a few times. I asked him why this one was different and why he pursued more than a ons with her. He said the sex was good but then he started to realize the he was crossing boundaries by getting "involved" with her, you know, being a married man and all... oh reeeeally?  [This message edited by MyReturn2Me at 4:04 PM, May 9th (Wednesday)]
Me BS 50
Him WS 53 Chicken shit,cowardice,serial philanderer.
Married 17 yrs, Together for 20 ~ DD#1 10/17/11, DD#2 10/23/11 10/23/11 - Sent him to live with his mother.
DD#3 1/20/13 - effing liar <<smmfh>>
Posts: 225 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound | itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036 | | Posted: 4:16 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
My ex-husband never hit me either. But he treatened to, physically intimidated me, hit the children to get me to behave in a certain way and generally emotionally abused me. But in his eyes because he did not hit me he is guilty of nothing. Saying things like that is bullsht and designed to make you question yourself and say "oh that's ok then". He is playing games
Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england | woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522 | | Posted: 6:53 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Hi, Itsa!! Long time, no see.
My NPD never hit me either. I'm sure he would answer the question "Did you ever abuse your XW?" with, "No, I NEVER once hit her."
I think part of this dynamic is that it's easiest for bullies to pick on the smaller and the weaker. So the children and pets are obvious targets.
Me: BS
2 kids: DD14 and DS17
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Posts: 7221 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal | MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352 | | Posted: 12:47 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012 | |
Thanks for helping to clear up some of the 'doubts'.
I strongly believe that I am a 'yet' as far as being hit was concerned. My mom once told me "If he will hit your dog, and he can will your children, he will eventually hit you."
He swears he's "in recovery" whatever that means for him but I'm in recovery to FROM him.
Right now it's hard because he's putting on the remorseful, dutiful charm. Saying things like "I hope one day we can be friends" and "I miss you" and "I hope I can work hard to be the best man I can be."
My mom says it's a trap!
All I can say is that I wish him well with that because my personal vision of him is standing in our kitchen with a plastic bottle of mustard. He threw it into the kitchen carpet, shattering the bottle and sending mustard everywhere. I have lots of crazy making stories like that. That doesn't have anything to do with infidelity, it has to do with control. I've had enough thanks
I'm glad I have SI, my IC and my journal. It really helps when I feel weak and want to give him another chance.
He gave himself 8 chances and he blew each one. I don't owe him shit
Me BS 50
Him WS 53 Chicken shit,cowardice,serial philanderer.
Married 17 yrs, Together for 20 ~ DD#1 10/17/11, DD#2 10/23/11 10/23/11 - Sent him to live with his mother.
DD#3 1/20/13 - effing liar <<smmfh>>
Posts: 225 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound | woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522 | | Posted: 2:18 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012 | |
MyReturn--Keep listening to your mom (and to us). She seems very wise unto the ways of the NPD. It sounds like you are in a place of strength right now.
Remember, NC is your friend. Ignore his pathetic maneuverings. His offers of friendship and empty apologies are just ploys to keep you off guard and make himself look and feel better about what he's done.
2_4 -- When I read your post here yesterday, I missed the tidbit where you said you figured out a way to get the retainer money together. Yay! The attorney who pegged your stbx as and NPD sounds like a great candidate for the job. It's never easy divorcing an NPD, but a "shark" who's experienced with NPD seems like a good fit.
How are you doing with the personal safety issues?
Me: BS
2 kids: DD14 and DS17
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Posts: 7221 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal | sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027 | | Posted: 4:10 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012 | |
Hi Itsa!! So good to see you. Don't feel bad about getting help. I saw a psychiatrist too. Hey! This is tough, ugly stuff to try and muddle through all by yourself.
NPD's are horribly emotionally abusive. I used to say that I would have rather had him drag me out into the street and beat me, rather that put me through the emotional, psychological abuse and all the gas lightning. The name calling, the demeaning things they say, the way they strip you of your self worth and self confidence is earth shattering.
Mine didn't hit me until toward the end either. But even then, he would say that I was attacking him and he was trying to defend himself by grabbing my arm, he "slipped" and accidently hit me with an "open hand."
So MyReturn,
This is justifying, lying, gas lighting, etc. All NPD's are liars. Most are pathalogical liars. So do NOT listen to their words. The truth is in their actions. So while your WNPD is kicking and throwing the dog and showing that he is more than capable of physical violence, he's saying "but I would never hit you...."
....yeah right.
Unfortunately many have us have heard the same story (and believed it.) We all want to believe we're special. And if our man had been violent with a former spouse or girlfriend, or had other problems, but "never would with you" that is a red flag. Violent is violent. And liars are liars.
And as far as the other women? There probably wasn't anything special about any of them. NPD's think of people as "things" and determine how "useful" they are. It probably just came down to how "available" this particular woman was. Don't be surprised if that was the only qualification. Some of the OW from my XNPD's collection had me running screaming to the STD testing clinic. 
You've got smart mommy. Stick with her! [This message edited by sadtoo at 1:11 AM, May 11th (Friday)]
It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
Posts: 7503 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Nebraska | itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036 | | Posted: 1:57 PM, May 11th (Friday), 2012 | |
Thanks for the welcome back Sad and Wounded I knew the legacy of an npd freak was pretty awful but when issues are going on years after I guess the only way to move forward is to get professional help. And it really did help - especially as I was embarking on a new relationship - for the first time in five years! That was a big step forward and it highlighted a few areas where I felt quite damaged. But I did actually have some fun and was able to intimate with a man - something I had feared. It was a shame that he turned out to not be what I wanted but there you go.
With the therapy I almost had to change everything about my life. She said she could not turn off the voice in my head that the npd freak had left me with ( you know - the self-doubt, feelings of ugliness etc) but she would help me turn it down. And she did. It still comes back every now and then but for shorter periods of time and its more easily recognisable.
The journey to free myself of him has been long and hard but I will get there and make a better life for myself. It was a bad day when I met him but I don't think I would ever make a similar mistake again.
Thanks for reading - when I have got it all off my chest I may be able to offer something constructive to you all
Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
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