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User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, Magda, I hate to welcome you to the worst forum on the site, but since you're here, I'll tell you that this bunch of people is by far the best for helping deal with these issues. This is the club nobody wants to join, but when we find ourselves here, it is a relief to finally start understanding the crazy in our lives.

I struggle with guilt to a degree. I understand that it is not stbx's fault he is what he is. BUT! Knowing it is not his fault does not mean that I have to stay with him and subject my family to the torment he dishes out daily.

It took me a while to get to the point where I stopped feeling that guilt all the time. I'm a caretaker by nature, too. But taking care of my stbx does not come first, anymore. My children and I do, because we CAN be helped, we CAN heal. He cannot. I can do nothing for him, and I won't let my kids and I be treated like we're stuffed toys that can be thrown around or stuffed away when he tires of us... only to be pulled out and hurt again.

It is hard to get past that guilt. But the smartest thing is to stop the crazy. You can't do anything for your NPD. You just can't. The only thing you can do when you have one in your life is keep yourself and any kids you have safe from the extreme damage they do.

He's a sinking ship... and you don't have to go down with him. You can save yourself, and you should. This isn't like someone having diabetes or cancer and you leave them in the lurch. This is a completely different animal all together. I don't like that it feels bad sometimes, either. But I'm tired of being abused by someone who will never get well. It's a hard choice, but it's easy, too, when you know there's no fixing it.

Wanttobeloved, there is a beautiful locket in the drawer that was my Valentine's gift. There is a sweet, loving card on the dresser. But the reason for those gifts is empty promises of better times. Except it never got better, only worse. NPD's are so good at mimicking the real emotion, and all the while, playing around behind our backs. Don't fall for the loving facade... there is only emptiness behind it. If you peel it back, you find nothing.

That is the horror of NPD, for me. Loving gestures mean nothing. They are just another control method, meant to keep us on the hook. I'm no fish, and I won't be dangling by his hooks anymore. Those hooks keep coming, but there is only one reason: CONTROL. That is what he is doing. He is keeping you on the hook.

I say, get off that hook and make a real life. You deserve better than to be invisible until you're useful. And that's the bottom line with them. You are invisible until you're useful. Nothing more.

Short update on me: My IC told me today that she believes stbx is, indeed, an NPD. Based on the detailed history (of new information from my sons and things I couldn't tell her before,) I gave her in advance of our session, and the things she already knew from seeing us over the years, she is confident that he is NPD, and I made the right call.

My son's IC will hear from me about this on Thurs, and we will go from there. A GAL may be in our near future, if he continues to want custody. sigh

It's good to have that validation, but it doesn't make me feel better.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 4:50 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And then I started to feel guilty about turning my back on someone who may be considered mentally ill, since I have always considered mental illness to be "not someones fault." For example, I have family members with various issues, and while they have done some horrible things, I still love them, and they are family.

Hi Magda,
Welcome.

The problem is that NPD is not a mental "illness", it's a personality disorder. BIG difference. A mental illness can be treated and sometimes even cured. A personality disorder is a deeply ingrained disorder with no cure.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 4:39 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD suck!!!
I should have known the smoothness of getting the divorce filed was not a good sign.

How did he know???? He stopped everything because he didn't have "his ATTY look things over" He doesn't have an attorney!

Can that happen? God I am so so STUPID!@!! I was so sure this was going to be over sooner than I first was told. I don't think I will be able to fight this fight.

I hate small towns. I hate this stupid county I live in. I hate NPD. I want OUT! NOW!! Yesterday!!!. He is going to keep doing this crap just to fuck with me.

The process of divorce is soooo bad to begin with but why add to it?

I seriously think the world is against me. My attorney was not surprised but thought I had a chance to get things started..

NOW???? He is moving back in the home I don't want him here. I have been praying since I finished all the paper work. I had everything I needed to just get it on record....now nothing..wasted money..

PLUS!!! I do NOT get my money back from the court. WHY?? They did nothing. Except return everything in the mail.

I'm pretty certain SI'ers tried to tell me this was going to take time, but I was so hoping I could get this done.

I want it over with! I am so tired. Just plain ole tired.


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2long, it's tough, but don't let 'the world against me' inhabit your brain. Look, you got us right?

SoHurt, I actually lold at your "worst forum" comment, still am!
but your reply to Magda was so beautiful so true -
see, I think this is the best forum on SI, though lol - yep. It's the worst darn place!

magda, pay attention to sad's point. NPD is a personality disorder, not a chemical thing.
Drugs may ameliorate the effects of NPD, but they do not change it.
Your guilt speaks to what a beautiful soul you are.

NPD's target
and feed off
such souls.
Welcome to tribe, and the lightbulb that sings aha! when it's turned on - mine was the sound of jawcrashing. Soon you'll get to where it's the sound of furling sails, wind, freedom, peace.
We sail there together on here.
It
is as great
as it is horrifying in the beginning.
Hand on the tiller!

itsa!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Warms my heart to see you, you helped me so much in the beginning, when I posted incoherently....erp...guess I still am? a bit? lol...please know your hard gained insight was valuable to me...still is! - howya doin vinny?

(((Tribe)))
Don't know where I'd be without you.
Heal on!


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL jj... I meant it, when I said it's the worst forum. But only because it's NPD's we're dealing with. It IS the best forum because of the tribe.

But it tickled me to see you LOLing at me.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct - thank you for that - not sure my advice is up to much these days though
Its difficult to help out much at the moment but all I know that however hard the struggle is in the years afterwards it is still preferable to living with the freak! No matter how hard it is to get free you must keep trying.
Once you recognise what an npd freak is and what a shock that is - the only way to survive is to get out and stay out. Whatever the cost.
Sadtoo always reminded me of that during my hard times and she was so right.
With the npd freak I felt I had no hope for the future and although it is hard at least now I have my emotional freedom. There is still some repair work to be done but I hope I do get there eventually.
I know it is the tread nobody wants to belong to but it is enormously helpful. Just get moving forward one step at a time.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not trying to allow any thing inhabit my brain. I am sad, scared, angry, frustrated, and tired.

I guess I am seeing how rotten NPD really are. Plus I had an IC appt and it gets me to understand the nastiest of my WH, "You are too nice." comments. btw That constant comment left me feeling yicky. It was the way he would say it.

As for divorce attoneys' man o man I am getting so many different messages. Bottom line?? The NPD will make your life hell so they can look like the injured party.

Mine decided he was moving back in the house. I became so upset I felt the world crashing down on me. I really don't know how to get out of this.

Every move I make there is a brink wall. I have to get creative in my thinking. I have to soak up every positive energy available to me. NPD sucks the soul right out of a person. I feel it when mine is around me.

What I want other newbies to see is this is really a fight for your life. NPD will NEVER care how you feel. How much you hurt. The "good" memories. Rewriting of ALL history. They are master manipulators. They will tell their stories and make you the bad guy.

They go into "psychtic" episodes. You will think you are seeing and hearing things. Or "too sensitive" Or too "emotional" Or not emtional enough. No matter what you are seeing, hearing , or knowing they will MAKE you question everything you know.

I think the curve ball my would throw at me regarding his NPD is his naive dealings with friends or co-workers. Mine would be exploitive by others and THAT was what had me protect him so much. To justify his behaviors. Through this thread I learned so much about NPD.

NPD is wicked!


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No time to write more just at present, but just finally signed the lawyers' papers. I am now, formally at least, at last free from my NPD. (not my DH, he not the NPD).

Thanks, many many thanks, to all the wise and brave people on this thread helping us all along.



Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I want other newbies to see is this is really a fight for your life. NPD will NEVER care how you feel. How much you hurt. The "good" memories. Rewriting of ALL history. They are master manipulators. They will tell their stories and make you the bad guy.

They go into "psychtic" episodes. You will think you are seeing and hearing things. Or "too sensitive" Or too "emotional" Or not emtional enough. No matter what you are seeing, hearing , or knowing they will MAKE you question everything you know.

Don't I know THIS one by heart. This is a song I hate. The whole, "Poor me, _____ is SO mean and cruel, making up lies and things that never happened while *I* make up lies and things that never happened so everyone will feel bad for ME" song.

I just had a confrontation with my NPD. He's trampled all over any normal boundaries a divorcing couple would have, such as NOT springing an "I want him overnight" visit at the last minute, "I want to take him here and here and here" at the last minute, and things like "Why are you telling the people at AM/PM I'm a bad guy? They all stopped talking to me!" and "I want an amicable divorce with no rock throwing."

I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs. But I did good while explaining the boundary issues about not springing visits on me, and not taking 3 days out of my week just because he wants to, especially in a week when it's HIS weekend, already. I got him to ask me to write out a temporary visitation schedule, (I already wrote one, clever me,) and we'll go over it together.

I did good through that part. But when it came to getting blamed because people have stopped talking to him, and it must be because *I* am telling them bad things about him, I got angry. I didn't yell, but I obviously wasn't happy. I paced back and forth a bit between paragraphs in my speech, but basically told him, hey... people back off from people getting a divorce, sometimes. They aren't comfortable with it, like it's catchy, or maybe they just don't want to hear about it, or any number of reasons. How come it has to be that *I* am saying something to cause it? After all, there are people who've stopped talking to ME, too. It's COMMON. It doesn't mean anyone's saying anything. I means the people who back off are having the problem.

Most of the people he's talking about in this scenario are people I don't even have contact with! I flat out said I was tired of being blamed for things I didn't do, and I'm not going to put up with it anymore. Told him if he did it again, to expect me to get upset, because I've kept my mouth shut and taken it for 25 years, and that's over.

I know I shouldn't have let a chink in my armor show. I know I should have just said I'm not discussing anything but what's involved with our son. I know I should have just let it slide by....

And I didn't. And now I have to decide if this is a weekend he can have him overnight(s), and my gut says NO, but if I don't... I don't know what the hell to do with that. I think I'll just tell him I'm not 100% comfortable with the idea, because of the fact that it's a travel trailer he's living in. I don't know. I feel nuts today after all this.

UGH! I HATE NPD!!! It's got to be the most frustrating thing on earth to deal with. I kept repeating in my head... "He's NPD. He's NPD." He can refuse to answer my questions, but I MUST answer his. ETC, AD NAUSEUM!!

Had to vent or go screaming through the house.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And then I think... wait, but I didn't even turn my back on him, he is the one that didn't even want to give R a chance.

Magda-

That was exactly what my XNPDH did to me
I think that hurt most of all in the beginning- he literally walked out with his clothes, gold clubs, fishing tackle, a couple of pictures, and his Cutco knives that he had before the marriage.

I begged and pleaded for us to go to counseling to try to save the marriage. He agreed to go but it wasn't until we attended the first couple of sessions that he told myself and the MC that he had no interest in R, he was "done", just there to help me get through the divorce

When he left, he turned his back on my family (both of my parents were in the hospital the day before he asked for the D ), our friends, our church family. When a couple of our friends called him and wanted to meet for coffee, he made some excuses about being too busy and maybe some other time. They never heard from him again.

XNPDH had already moved on in his mind. No reminders of his 18 yr marriage or the guilt he must be feeling


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of the people he's talking about in this scenario are people I don't even have contact with! I flat out said I was tired of being blamed for things I didn't do, and I'm not going to put up with it anymore. Told him if he did it again, to expect me to get upset, because I've kept my mouth shut and taken it for 25 years, and that's over.

Yep! Mine too. I believe that NPD'S are so self-absorbed that they don't even know the color of their own eyes.


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, May 19th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2_4giving4_2long,

The NPD will make your life hell so they can look like the injured party.

This is SO TRUE! They lie and cheat, steal and completely destroy your life and then they rewrite marital history and cry VICTIM.

I know how hurtful and maddening this can be. It is a complete outrage. But like I have said before, DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE BAITED. Do not engage. Do not try to reason with them. Do not argue your position. It will get you nowhere.

What you need to do is DOCUMENT. You need to tell your side of the divorce with documentation, not words. And remember, all he will have is his words because they are lies. There will be no proof. And the further you get into this, there will be delay after delay because he will be asked to produce PROOF of his claims. So get to work disproving his lies with documentation. And don't stop with one thing. For example, if he claims to have purchased something that you actually purchased, don't just take the receipt. Take the receipt, your credit card statement, a copy of the canceled check you paid the credit card bill with, a photo of the item in question, etc. in other words, overwhelm them with evidence. And put it all in an organized fashion. You will come off looking organized, professional, and most important, TRUTHFUL.

Edie,
Congratulations on your FREEDOM!!

SoHurt,
Remember the golden rule with NPD's....NC. I know it's hard, but it never gets you anywhere. I wouldn't be mean to him, but be firm and only talk about the visitation. Tell him that you don't have any problem with him and son spending time together, but until he has a more permanent residence, there will be no overnights.



It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, May 19th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo, as usual, you got my attention.

I know better than to engage. I've done pretty well so far, right up until this one. I just let my feelings get a hold on me, and couldn't rein them in fast OR far enough. I was proud of myself for not yelling; that much was good. But I should have just ignored everything but visitation issues. I know it.

I just get so DAMN MAD sometimes. I am never pleased with myself for getting into it with him, because I know he can't be reasoned with. I KNOW it, but I still catch myself acting in self-defense. I've been in it so long, it's hard to unlearn the pattern. What makes me mad about getting mad is that I know it puts me in a bad light, and I hate giving him even that. I am SO glad I'm back in IC! I am documenting everything, though, so that is going to help, as you said to 2_4. I'm keeping track of it all.

I promise to try harder to keep myself under control, and I won't allow overnights.

Edie: CONGRATS!! I was so upset I forgot to say that!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt,
You're doing so GREAT. A little slip from time to time is to be expected. You have been conditioned for years to react a certain way and it's hard to change. It takes time and practice. You'll get there.

It is especially difficult when there are children are involved. In my situation there were no children and I could just go complete NC and never speak to him again. I didn't have to learn the balancing act of only speaking about the children.

I am amazed and so proud of you for how far you have come in such a short amount of time. You are one tough cookie.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awww... thanks, Sadtoo.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
hemademesingle
♀ Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah I need help with strategy, dealing with divorce and my little monster

My little monster is the coward type, that is always the victim, he does not turn in correct paperwork on time, you get the picture

He's pulled up lame if he was a horse he would get shot, but he's only alittle monster so we gotta divorce him,

His income was six figures when the divorce started, iit is now down to just over 30 000. This means that when I mean if I can get a court ordered support I'm only getting a small amount rather than the proper amount

the marital home is in need of repairs, he has to pay support on the 2 kids both in school 23 and 18 1/2, they want to stay in this home, I do not the little monster knows that there is a big emotional attachment for me with this house we were married here, he is blocking me from moving out, both kids attend local schools, if they were away at school he would still be paying support, but if I don't live with them then he says he will stop the child support,so then he said he would rent them a 2 bedroom apartment, he was told no it will be 2-1 bedroom apartments for the kids, they have no need to live together, it just makes sense for them to stay in the house, I wouldn't be far from them and would make sure maintanence and upkeep was done,

He has threatened me with divorce for years, yet he keeps dragging his feet, there is no relationship with his kids, he asks me to say hi to them, yet he never asks how they are, oh but he lets us live below the poverty level yet in december he signed for a 10 000 loan for 23 year old because he couldn't afford to help the kid out with 1500 towards tuition

I need a strategy to get divorced, I have tried threatening to expose him to people, I've tried to suggest that maybe we could date in the future he didn't buy that one

For the life of me I can't understand what he is trying to hold out for, I have received more for my bithday and christmas mother's day than I ever did while together, very rarely even got a card, as an example in 23 years together I only had accumulated 5 pieces of jewellery from my little monster wedding band, engagement ring, 2 pairs of earings, and a gold chain, but I never complained, but hell would break loose if his day wasn't meant with a special meal cake gifts and special treatment

Help me think of other ways to get rid of him I had the evilest thoughts, once we are divorced I won't ever have to deal with him again, yet he won't let go easily


Posts: 361 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hemademesingle

For the life of me I can't understand what he is trying to hold out for.

It's obvious they don't want to be married, but they won't go away. I have never understood this either. And while you're in the midst of it, it's so maddening.

But in the years since I've gotten out, or I should say gotten HIM out, I've had time to think about this. And I think it all comes down to control. They want to have their life, their OW, their wife (when convenient) their kids, again (when it suits them)

NPD's are total and complete control freaks. They lie to control what you know. They hide affairs, money, STD's, pregnancys, OC's, and anything else they want to keep secret.

Now going into divorce, the lies and the control is only going to ramp up because it's all slipping away. Lying about income is typical of an NPD during a divorce.

Collect as much documentation and evidence as you can to prove your case and or to prove he is lying.


[This message edited by sadtoo at 4:36 PM, May 21st (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been here in a while, but I wanted to say, I finally left my NPDWS after almost 2 years since dday. Apparently I ruined his whole day this morning because I was asking him about his "words with friends" game, and because I asked him not to eat all the french toast while I was still in the midst of making it! That ruined his day. THAT was his reason for yelling, swearing, ruining my kids time at the fair, cutting our holiday monday short and running off with his buddy to shoot guns and drink beer. I have had enough. I desperately want to call him and tell him to come home. I don't want to be alone. I am scared to death. But nothing has ever been different, and I guess I realize....it won't be. It WON'T BE ANY DIFFERENT. It won't get better.

anyways.......I'm off to try to sleep. All I can do is try to make it thru the night, the next day, and the coming weeks. Hoefully I can manage NC.


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I am lost..well still lost..but I have a new issue.

My NPD moved out then he texted me and said he was coming back home Monday. I was just sick all night Sunday and Monday. Well, he didn't move back home.

Monday I had an issue with my internet. I had to contact him to get authorized to make changes and of course pay for it. (jerk) Then I had a Dr's appt. While I was at the Dr's He kept texting and I didn't answer because I did not have my phone. I didn't check my phone and he walked in. I was on the phone with a g/f and he snapped, "IS there a good reason you can't answer me?" I looked at the phone and I see the text that said, "I am starting to get upset." When I read that out loud my g/f heard it. HE snarled, "Who are you talking to?" I hung up (not really). Then he proceeded to lecture me.

I did not react..mostly because I am tired of his bs and because I really didn't care. However, the "I'm starting to get upset." scared me.

My queston is this: Is he losing control? Or is he trying to control me with a new tactic?


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2long, is he losing control...of you?
I sure hope so.
Once the mask is off, and you read up on their shitty shenanigans, you begin to get in control of yourself. You begin to choreograph your interactions, orchestrate your withdrawal.

Is he losing control ...of himself? In a mental sense, NPDs are really never in control - there's no self to control.
Their existence is a perpetual juddering between extremes interspersed with an occasional nap.

I'm moving out.
I'm coming back.
I'm not coming back.

This ping-ponging back and forth has one goal.
To keep you off balance.
When you're off balance, you're easier to manipulate.

Tactics change. They're surface appearances or events. They still all have the same goal.
To control.
To manipulate.

Try to come up with any other way to get internet. You see what happens when you contact him for even the most mundane task? You get grilled, raged at...

Walk away. Who is giving him permission to be so fucked up, disrespectful, and abusive?

Do you have VARs around to record his fuckery?

If it's loss of physical control you're asking about, I worry about that for nearly every one of us.

NC. NC! and protect yourself!


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