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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm actually doing much better at this than I thought I would, because I'm SO conditioned to respond. But when I hang on to myself, and don't bite on his bait, I feel really good when he leaves, because I know it was SO dissatisfying to him, and that makes it SO satisfying to ME!

It's really hard to learn a new way of living, but every day gives me more and more joy and hope for a real life. My kids are so much happier, too, and they are getting along for the first time since they were little. We've all seen the huge difference in our lives since he's been gone! No fighting, no bullshit... it's so calm here.

That's just so fantastic, so hurt, I'm really glad for you. I'm no contact with NPD and don't think I'd be able to be as cool as you if I weren't.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey SoHurt, nice to see you on here and it is great to see that you are gettning stronger each day. I know how hard it is in the beginning to not respond to their NPD crap but it does get easier.

Just keep smilin and you will move through this phase faster. Just remember when he starts his NPD crap that you are a strong woman who has a lot of support here to hold your hand and get you through it. You can email me whenever you need to vent or need support.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
wifeno2
♀ Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this thread. Still a little woozy with the realization that I'm dealing with yet another narcissist. I've always attracted them but historically they were more the type I have been reading about here. Easier to spot typically. I married my WH because he seemed so much the opposite of usual highly sucessful, confident womanizers I usually dated. He seemed insecure, unsure of himself and underfunctioning. Sweet, sensitive, naive. He had also been married and seemed so family, committment oriented. There were red flags early on. But he had just been through a divorce and told me it had been because she had left him for another man. He had been so heartbroken. So it was understandable that he had had an A with their friend/neighbor. But the story was inconsistent. It turns out that he had gaslighted her and she had not been having an A. And he admitted this right after our first DDay. He is now back to saying that he thinks she might have been having one.

Anyway, 11 years of him telling me that I don't fight fair, that I lie, I'm used to sacrificing, and the latest "there is something wrong with you." I read an article about covert narcissists and just about every behavior they mentioned he does. It has always been a household that revolved around WH. It is always about him. But I have spent the last 11 years thinking that our problems were somehow my fault. That I didn't appreciate him enough. He has always seemed to believe that HE was the victim and he convinced me too.

I've noticed that the posts I've read have mostly involved people in the process of D. Does anyone try to stay? Even if it isn't forever? Any pointers or books regarding the best way of "handling" someone with more covert narcissism? Has anyone ever discussed the idea of narcissism with the narcissist?

And yes, the post about losing their sparkle once you see them for what they are. So true, and so sad...


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wifeno2)))
This thread goes back for years.

In all cases, those who attempt to negotiate their lives, and try to get along with a narcissist must accept a role as DOORMAT.

No exceptions. Sorry. Wish I had a better story. I tried too.
We get woozy here, o hell to the yes- my kinda woman!

You are in the best place to be dear.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 28th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One year ago today I left my NPD stbx. I haven't seen him since January and havent spoken to him since December. So someone please tell me why I am so depressed today? Is it because in that year he never once asked to see me even when he was saying he wanted to reconcile? Is it because I feel so alone? Or is it because I know that he is doing his usual getting drunk with the neighbor's and cooking out that he did every year of our marriage?

I don't want him back and have even been gathering pics that belong to him with no tears. I just can't understand why I feel so alone and melancholy. I wished I had friends to go spend the day with but I have no one around to visit with. Wished I was on a tropical Island someplace so I could watch the ocean, that would at least make it better.

Any one else feel like this 1 year after separation?


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Jpapageorge
♂ Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, May 28th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SVB, I am still getting those feelings 1 year, 3 months and 13 days(but who's counting) after separation. This is our "anniversary" weekend, since I met her on Memorial Day weekend, and on this weekend every year we were together I would drive to see her.

He may be getting drunk with neighbors but you are getting on with your life free from the NPD pain and crazyness. You are growing as a person while he will never grow. You feel lonely because you have the capacity to care for others while he will never know what true feelings are. You will spend the rest of your life with friends who care about you and like you for who you are while he will eventually end up alone because all his minions will eventually see through the mask. You are part of the coolest, most awesomest, most caring Tribe while he will never know what it is like to be part of something special. The road to freedom sucks but, I believe, you are on the better road.


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1656 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
surrender
♀ New Member
Member # 31577
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this thread. All I can say is "WOW!" So many things I have read on this thread is so right on. My husband has no empathy, especially for me, never can put hisself in my shoes, never accepts responsibility for his actions (of course unless it benefits him). Every argument is turned around on me. When we argue and I cry he just gets even more mean and ugly. For years I have always wondered what is wrong with a man that can see thier wife so upset and just keep kicking her when she's down. Reading all of this just really made me feel at peace (if that makes any sense at all) because now I know whats wrong with him and I'm not crazy!

The funny thing is (and after reading this thread for the last two days) I actually divorced this disrespectful, cheating jerk 5 years ago and we got back together about a year and half ago.

We arent talking right now because we got into another fight Sunday night. Of course there are total double standards with him. He's aloud to do whatever he wants. I'm not aloud to question him or show any signs of being unhappy about anything. If I seem like I'm not happy he insists on knowing whats wrong and then its a fight because he doesnt agree.

He recently took a job two hours away from where we live which I told him was not a good idea because I didnt think our relationship was strong enough for the long distance thing. He had a great job here at home. He took it anyway and I supported him because thats what we do. I dont have any trust for him at all really because of the past. I could spend all day listing all of the shitty things he has pulled in the last 20 years. Since he took that job in February the arguments have esculated. Last week I had the nerve to ask him to leave his laptop for the week (my screen on mine is broken) because I was currently looking for a job and needed to complete some testing for a personel office that is trying to place. It turned in to this huge argument and according to him I was just trying to catch him at something. Because of the fight he was done with my no trusting ass and changed over his direct deposit to an account that he previously opened in the town he is working in. The had previously changed his direct deposit following a fight a couple of months ago and then when we made up changed it back but refuses to close the bank account he opened which I have a huge problem with. Also, after he left his company here he no longer had a cell phone because it was a company phone so I told him several times that we would just put him on our family plan with me and our boys. He would always agree and then blow it off. He recieved a new cell phone with his new company but didnt like it because it is a Blackberry. So get this. He calls me one day from a number I dont recognize and when I ask him about it he says that one of the guys at work put him on his cell phone plan! Are you kidding...really?? Of course when I got upset about that I'm just a crazy person and he just cant deal with me because he just doesnt see the big deal.

He claimed that he had to work on Monday because the plant was having a problem which I kind of didnt believe him. So, I suggested that me and the boys drive up Monday afternoon and have dinner with him. The boys are out of school now so we dont have anywhere else to be. He threw this big fit about how its just a waste of money. I have a new car that gets great gas mileage and we wouldnt have spent anymore then we would have if he had been home. He likes to spend money, especially on himself!

It just kills me that he continues to do things he knows are going to cause suspicion but expects me to just shut up about it and if I dont I'm a crazy person that will never trust him. It makes a person crazy and I'm usually the one that blows up and looks like the crazy person so I give him exactly what he wants!

I hate it!!

Sorry so long!!


BS - 38
H - 37
Three boys 15, 12 & 1
D - 10/2007
R - 10/2010
Red Flags - Our whole marriage
DD in the last 20 years - Lost count
Made the great escape 9/4/2012

Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys, for the boosts. What a day. I grabbed hold of my cojones and went to the domestic violence place here and sat through my appt with the legal advocate. She went through the dv protection order I'd filled out, and we went through some questions. It was really difficult to admit to having lived this way for so long, and I cried more than I thought I would.

As soon as the appt was over, she sent my friend and I to the courthouse. We got there 5 minutes before they closed, and I was so scared while we waited. The judge was one I know is very strongly anti-domestic violence, and is very kind to the survivors. She's actually the one who handled my divorce from my first husband. I found that ironic. She had no hesitation in granting the emergency order, and set my court date for the 6th, which is really fast. But I have a feeling that she sees the urgency. I was pretty blunt in my petition... I didn't hold back much at all.

So, on the 6th, I have to face him in court for the first time, but the dv advocate will be with me, and we will do what needs doing. I cried after I got done talking to the judge, because she was so nice about it all, and said that on average, it takes 7 tries before a dv victim leaves successfully. So if I don't make it to court on the 6th, not to give up. To come in even later that day and ask again. She said they all understand it very well, and will not think badly of me. I won't miss that date, but I will be scared. He may pull out all the stops and lie like a rug about me, but I'm done being intimidated and bullied. He went too far, and I'm thoroughly done.

I'm determined to be one of those who leaves successfully the FIRST time.

As always, I hate to welcome new members to this tribe, but I'm glad you guys found your way here. I would not be where I am, making the progress I have, were it not for the very supportive people here. I've taken those first steps, and you all can, too. Believe me, it's worth it. This tribe is fantastic, and you will be glad to have each person here to bounce things off of, to vent to, and to even have them push you when you want to stop. I should know.

I love my ((((((((((Tribe)))))))))) SO much!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sohurt))) you've come a long way, baby. we all have. this is not to say that there are only good times ahead, but you seem to have found an inner core of strength to carry you through the bad times. you go, girl!

the oddest thing happened at the end of the school year. my daughter brought home all of her things from kindergarten and amidst all of the toys from the treasure box was... you guessed it... a zebraduck! i almost fell down laughing.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my daughter brought home all of her things from kindergarten and amidst all of the toys from the treasure box was... you guessed it... a zebraduck! i almost fell down laughing.
THAT is pee-your-pants funny!! (Not sayin' how I know that! )

Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the oddest thing happened at the end of the school year. my daughter brought home all of her things from kindergarten and amidst all of the toys from the treasure box was... you guessed it... a zebraduck! i almost fell down laughing.

veritas!! Thank you! You've really helped.... that's it. I can't help but feel really really sorry for the zebra duck, as in the story of the Ugly Duckling. How I've always somehow known that my NPD felt like an ugly duckling, how I kept trying to make him feel better, excusing and accommodating because I could feel his pain. At so so much cost to myself. And why it is still really difficult for me to get all the suppressed anger out - everybody close to me IRL feeling it [outrage] on my behalf, 'doing' my anger for me because it's stuck inside me in a confusion of sympathy and habitualised 'need' to care and nurture, too porous, I know. God, i really want to feel it and just release it, so I can move on, and up. I guess, and hope, it will, but may take a while.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many of us NPDx spouses are more akin to the tale of the eagle and the chicken. I know my NPDx was an ugly duckling, severely abused emotionally and physically by his mother, but he kept me believing I was a chicken.

Once upon a time, an eagle egg fell into the chicken coop. The chickens raised the mighty eagle as one of their own. One day the eagle looked up in awe at some eagles circling overhead. "What majestic birds! But I'm just a chicken." And he went back to scratching in the dust.

That's what living with an NPD does to you; it hobbles you in ways you never dreamed of. And that's why I am so determined to help everyone who wants out, out.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can really relate to that story. Knowing I am the chicken is hard.

(And I hope not a cuckoo here?)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
surrender
♀ New Member
Member # 31577
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really hope eventually I'm at the point where alot of you are that I can offer some comfort and support to another person on this thread.

After reading through so much of the NPD thread I just feel that there is no hope. I love him but I know he will never change. I do not want to be a door mat for the rest of my life. He actually brought up going to MC. I almost fell over. I couldnt believe that was coming out of his mouth. But then I think that its just another way to manipulate the situation and say what he thinks I want to here at the time. Truth is, why would I want to waste my time in MC so he can just lie, get angry and defensive and have a chip on his shoulder the whole session like he has in the past. Then he usually decides he doesnt want to go back because he isnt hearing what he wants to hear.

I feel defeated. I have lived for so long hoping that he would finally just get it. Now I know that he just isnt capable. It's makes me crazy that after everything we have been through that he continues to do things that just dont work.
I will never understand him. I have to say that I am a stronger person from having had to deal with this person for the last 20 years but this is not what I pictured my life to be like.

This thread has really helped me to see the light.


BS - 38
H - 37
Three boys 15, 12 & 1
D - 10/2007
R - 10/2010
Red Flags - Our whole marriage
DD in the last 20 years - Lost count
Made the great escape 9/4/2012

Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((surrender))))

I will never understand him

As information, there are earlier NPD thread you may also find useful, by checking out the pages numbered at the bottom of the I Can Relate section, and the Passive-Aggressive forum also very useful in terms of dynamics.

It's crucial to be informed, of course, and the light bulbs of recognition that it is not you that is / has the problem are like a beautiful sunrise filling the world with joy, warmth and light, but speaking only from my own experience I have to try to keep off dwelling or brooding on the NPD experience too much in order to move myself forward.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, you guys are doin great!

v, so dam funny! Any way you could post a pic of it?

Edie, you ain't a chicken girl - fluff out those unused eagle wings of yours and learn to fly!

svb, easily, at one year of S I was feeling that. I came to realize I was melancholy because I was missing myself!
Then I was like, "howdy stranger!" I've built a wonderful "relationship" since then lmao!

(((surrender))))
Every one of us, when we first get here, writes that exact same post. You do belong I belee. Welcome to healing...finally! You're going to love you. Promise.

Nice to see you papa!

So, we got the eaglechicken
(see if this works)

vs. zebraduck.

My bet is on the eagle! ("formerly known as" chicken)

[This message edited by jjct at 9:47 AM, May 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct, when I get home, i will fish him out of the bathtub and set up his photo op


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The zebraduck...

[This message edited by veritas at 7:43 AM, May 31st (Thursday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't see it. Could be my browser security. I was having a hard time seeing a grocery store ad earlier.

surrender,
I think you're getting there with the realization that he isn't capable. That is very important because now you can stop asking a colorblind man to see colors. So, you can stop feeling disappointed when he won't. I think it's also important to understand that your NPD spouse chose you because you had the qualities they were missing. So, it's never about what's missing in YOU. In fact, it's never about you, at all. That can be very unnerving, but also very reassuring. Just take your time and absorb it all at your own pace. I know it's sad to have wasted time with an NPD. I've wasted years of my life trying to relate to NPD relatives. Once I was able to see it for what it was, though, I felt much more free. In time, I hope you'll find that same feeling of freedom. Hugs.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jj... ROFL on the woozy! I thought my head would explode from information overload and OH SHIT! Woozy, definitely!

JPG, you sure put things in perspective. WE have lives to live, while they have smoke and mirrors. WE are the blessed ones.

wifeno2, I wrote the same things more than once. And more than that. No, as jj says, there is no living with it and making a life. Life comes AFTER you get away. I'm sorry, hon... we all learn that one.

Edie, can you go to a shooting range? I LOVE bullet therapy! It feels so good to fire at targets and just let those bullets fly! It really does clear your head. I love shooting, and wish I could do it regularly. It's a wonderful stress reliever! And boy, does it let the anger out! Just don't shoot AT anyone. Targets, only. Paper ones.

a zebraduck! i almost fell down laughing.

Veritas, I'm SO glad I was in bed when I read that! I thought I was gonna pee myself, I laughed so hard! I'm still giggling. That's just TOO funny! But the pic didn't show. =( I do believe I have found that inner core of strength, and I think I've become unstoppable. And I'm so glad! And I've discovered I'm an EAGLE!! =)

Surrender, you've taken a really big step with that realization. It was a hard one for a lot of us, and it takes some getting used to. I find myself telling my kids now, "You have to stop thinking he loves. He CAN'T love. He doesn't have the ability." And they kind of have a hard time with it. But it's getting better.

SVB, I really hope that you find that lost part of yourself that you're missing. You are a beautiful, loving woman, and when you get back to thinking of yourself and what you can be, I have a feeling that sense of melancholy will fade. You just keep moving forward, hon. You're doing so great!

We really should have a tribe vacation to the tropics, somewhere. We've definitely earned one!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
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