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User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
TellitLikeItIs
♀ Member
Member # 33737
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a question for those of you who have escaped ... HOW in the hell do you get out of this nightmare?

The minute I disengage and start acting independently ... he flares into rages and is desperate to control everything. Besides finding this pattern a waste of time ... it's slowly eroding my sanity as he is unbelievably cruel, sanctimonious and perfect ... while everything about me is wrong. Doesn't matter whether I stay quiet or not ... he rages on and on and on.

Do I need to pretend everything is fine ... that I've bought into his control and leave when he's not looking?

I don't even know if I'm making sense ... I've just endured hours of being told what a piece of shit I am, threats, ultimatums you name it. I'm soooo exhausted and tired of this shit!


Me: BS youthful 51
Him: skittle shitting unicorn 54
Married: 14 years
Blended family: 6 kids: 30,25,25,23,21,11
D-day: June 22 2011
living with trickle truth and too many D-days to count
Looks like R may be "real" this time around ...


Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Canada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I need to pretend everything is fine ... that I've bought into his control and leave when he's not looking?

Yes, I think so.

I looked back a bit. He's been stealing your soul through flat-out abuse for a long long time, and my heart just breaks for you...what hell you have put up with!

What helped me with my acting-as-if-everthing-was-normal was seeing the humor in being able to predict her phony, histrionic, lying, manipulative ways.

Acting. I know.
Think of it as a tool you are temporarily using for your protection, your safety, and your final escape from this fukking fukking fuck.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell, you have to make a plan on how it will be best for you to leave. Does he go away on business trips? If so, plan on packing and leaving that week. Start by finding a place to live, visit apartments, duplexes or homes for rent. Gather money together so you have the funds you need to rent a place to live. Have a detailed plan in your head about where you will get boxes, where to find movers or friends who will move you. Once you have all that in place and know the date you can move, rent the apartment or home and schedule the move.

Until that time act like the docile go with the flow wife. Let his words roll off your back like water off a duck. He is blustering to keep you in control but once you make a plan in your head then he has lost control but doesn't know it.

If he doesn't go on business trips then try to get him to go on a guys weekend with friends or to a golf tournament or something. All you need is a weekend free and you can have friends help pack and move you.

I was lucky that my stbx wanted me to believe that we would reconcile so he stayed away when I moved out. It was all bs, he never wanted to reconcile as he had a neighbor ho lined up to take my place.

Just start working on the things that won't show that you are planning to leave. Start with a new bank account that you add money to and he doesn't know about. Then start looking for a place to live, then find a time he will be away or even take a day off work and do it all in one day. Take the furniture and the most important stuff cause you can go back for more when he is at work again. I had to do that many times.

Good luck


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Absolutely. Make it a performance. The performance of and for your life.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell, they've already said what I would say. ACT AS IF and MAKE THAT PLAN. You know it will take time, so you just act like nothing's changed. Meanwhile, the plan is being put into place. I did exactly that. I had some slips and stumbles, but we all do. Never worry about those. Just do what you need to to be ready to get the hell out. You won't be sorry. I promise you that. I never thought I'd have the happiness I have now, the family love and joy we share. But it is SO worth what I went through, and you can do it. JUST KEEP GOING. Keep posting here and getting support.

I loved reading all the posts since I checked in last. I laughed quite a bit and am so happy for you guys! Things seem to be moving along very well lately! That is really great news!

The monster was served yesterday with the domestic violence protection order. He was not pleased. He changed his marital status on FB last night to DIVORCED, and it was hard not to post about that. But I laughed myself silly over it. 6 hour divorces are SO common these days! Man, I'm good!

That was just one funny thing about this situation. The other is imagining the look on his face as the two deputies walked up to him at HIS HOME (well, TRAVEL TRAILER!) where he felt so secure. He'd refused to tell me where he was, because he didn't want to be served with anything.

Lo and behold... the sheriff's clerk can find anyone. YA THINK? So I just told her the name of the woman and the general location, and within 30 seconds, she was telling me, "No worries. We got him now. They're on their way. Call this afternoon to see if they served him." And when I did, she said, "As a matter of fact, I called to check, and they responded that they were EXPLAINING IT TO HIM RIGHT THEN."

OH! To be a fly on the wall when he got those papers! I know this raises my risk level, and I should probably be scared. But for some reason, I just can't be! I keep imagining the look on his face when they served him, and how dumbfounded he must have been that I could "find" him!

Yeah, I probably should be worried about his reaction, but I'm not. I will be cautious, and I will be watchful. But he NEVER saw this coming, and I am guessing he's scrambling to figure out how to make the judge see HE'S the victim. Good luck with that. I have people lining up willing to tell what they know.

Sadtoo, YES, THIS IS ME! I am OUT from UNDER that CLOUD that was HANGING OVER ME! (ETA: Funny you should quote "I Am Woman," because THAT used to be my theme song! And it will be, again!)

And boy, do I feel better!

The only bad spot is that I found out he did a bad thing just about a month before he was kicked out of here. His best friend needed a clutch job done, and had the monster over to his parent's house to do the job. He was offered some salmon our friend had done up for his parents, and while the 80 year old mom was getting ziplocks, the monster came up behind her and grabbed her not-so-gently and tried to kiss her in a man-woman intimate way, she said. Now, that's bad enough, but this woman is on oxygen, and very vulnerable! And to make matters worse, she has treated us like her family and loves us very much. She crocheted blankets and hats for my grandbaby! Now the kids and I are welcome anytime, but the monster is never to set foot near there again.

I almost puked when he told me what the monster had done. NOT the way to start my day at all. I need to talk to our friend again and find out more. I was so stunned I didn't ask all the questions I have. But criminy sakes... how freaking sick do you have to be to do that? They weren't going to tell me, but finally decided with all that's happening, they probably should. I'm glad they did... the judge needs to hear this on the 6th. He's a freaking predator. And THAT DOES SCARE ME. Who else has he done that to? Who's next?

NPD's are worse than monsters, I believe.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 9:01 PM, June 1st (Friday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first time I left my WS ,I had a date, I had a plan, and I acted my ass off!!! I told myself "just play the game. make him miss you when you're gone". It worked perfectly! The day I left my whole entire house was packed and moved in 1 hour!!! He had no idea, and went home to an empty house that night.
But.........I went back. And now I have tried kicking him out a number of times recently, but I keep taking him back or he just comes home and acts like nothing ever happened! I told him I would never surprise him like that again though and I'm a woman of my word. Now I feel stuck. I need a new plan!


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dawn, why would you think you should honor your word when he doesn't and can't honor his?

Just because you say you won't do something does not mean you shouldn't do it. You've put up with far too much as it is. Who gives a rip if he comes home to an empty house? It's what he IS... an EMPTY HOUSE. And as long as you let him stay or stay with him, you are his doormat.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but I can honestly say from the other side of that position, that I wouldn't take mine back for anything in the world. You either get out or get used for the rest of your life, or used up till you give up. There is no living with these people. None.

You have to make the choice to leave again, whether you promised or not. I know it's hard, and scary. I know it feels wrong to go against your word. But damn, the alternative is so horrible. They are not worth what we go through, and the only one who can change it is you. Please consider carefully whether your promise is worth the rest of your life spent in hell.

You're worth more than that.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dawn, I agree with SoHurt. How many promises has he made and broken? The worst being that he would forsake all others but did he keep his promise? He fired you from being his wife when he cheated and therefore you owe him NOTHING. You owe yourself a life of freedom from the doormat he has made you.

Come on over to the light side and out of the darkness, it is great over here. As long as you keep that promise your life will be a living nightmare and he will make sure of it. YOu basically told him "no matter how badly you treat me, no matter how many times you cheat, I will never leave you again". Is that really what you want? No, you want freedom from his NPD crap and the only way to get away from an NPD is by surprise attack.

The final time I walked away I had my plans made the day after he threatened to hit me. I had signed the papers on an apartment, paid the lease and deposit and hired movers. By the time he got home from work 50% of my stuff was packed up and he got told I was moving out for good. No man is going to threaten to hit me or kill me and me stay. I value my live and you need to value yours.

Please do not keep a promise that ties you to NPD hell, it only makes it easier for him to manipulate you and destroy your self esteem. You deserve to be happy and out of NPD CRAZYVILLE.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi (((Tribe)))

WH recieved the divorce papers today. He was an ass about it. I think I'm so tired that his reaction was , so what, yell, pout. Me: I don't care kinda day.

But I am really tired. He is relentless. He's always right. I am wrong. I have no energy left. My inner strength went somewhere and I can't find it.

He moved back in and I can't kick him out. I went to a friends place but that was a nightmare, because I had to listen to ,"Well he was always nice to me" crap. Or, "That's what you say. "What's his side of the story"

I even said I didn't want to talk about it but that lasted a whole 10 minutes.

People don't understand how crazy this is. It's not a typical divorce. It's crazy 100%x 1000.

The OW wanted my home and when she found out the courts would not leave me homeless, she dumped my WH. He is ,of course, blaming me. OMG she is NPD too.

I am afraid. Afraid that he will always be controlling, in my life, afraid I'm losing my mind.

I am soooo tired. Will it end? Will I be okay? Will I ever see happiness again? Did he win and finally break me?

I feel the lonliness person on earth right now. I feel scared and I don't know why. I am in a state of confusion that makes me question my own self worth. Not a pity party, just thinking that having morals and values that define me is useless in this world. No one cares. I'm laughed at for having integrity. I get the cold shoulder for honesty. Being kind to others have made me look like a doormat. What's my lesson to learn? That this is a cold cold world? I hope not.

Is living in a new place, a new town, new surroundings helpful? Will I feel better if we sell all our propeties and I buy something mine? Should I stay in my home? What will help me the most?

I'm sorry for being all over the place. It's just where my head is right now.
Hugs to the TRIBE.


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
surrender
♀ New Member
Member # 31577
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo

Thanks! He is definitely gaslighting and just full of shit. He is a habitual liar.

The e-mail below is what I sent him on Wednesday night.

These are the things I need from you in order for me to remain in this relationship.

1. Marriage Counseling/Individual Counseling

2. I will not tolerate you confiding in any other woman about our private issues.

3. I will not tolerate dis-respect

4. I will not tolerate secrets kept from me.

5. I will not tolerate anything but total honesty from you.

6. We will have cell phones on the same plan as a family unit

7. We will have the same checking account and will not have seperate checking accounts unless each other are on the accounts

The above are non-negotiable for me. They are not meant to punish or control you. I am willing to do the same that I expect of you. I am trying to do whatever it takes for us to get on a path where we trust each other and can move on and be happy for us and our children.

If you can not agree to this then I will not be able to stay in the relationship. I will be getting a job pretty soon and I will remain living here until I can get on my feet and save enough money that me and the boys will be able to find a nice place to live.


His response was exactly what I expected. Extremely ugly. He is hispanic and told me that I need to find me a white man. That he is the head of the house and that I dont realize how good I have it. He said that he cant believe that this is where my trust issues have got us and that my trust issues are my problem and that there is nothing he can do to help me with that. That he doesnt give a shit about my insecurities. Are you kidding? I'm not allowed to have a facebook. I'm not allowed to go out with girlfriends to happy hour like he does. He told me just the other day that it makes him nervous when I'm out and about and dont have the boys with me because he doesnt trust me. He's just rediculous!

I know damn well he is confiding in his ex about our issues because of the crap she is putting on her facebook. I cant believe I'm even saying that. Such bullshit kid stuff!!

I never responded to his ugly response to my email. I'm just really done and disgusted. I just dont have anything to say to him.

20 years of this crap and its time for me to move on. I always let him worm his way back in. Thats the hardest part is sticking to my guns. He is so good about being his charming self with his false sorrys and I believe him everytime. Why do I always feel bad for him? I always feel obligated to forgive him when he is sorry but when its me saying I'm sorry he's just a rude jerk.

Sometimes I think I'm more messed up than he is.


BS - 38
H - 37
Three boys 15, 12 & 1
D - 10/2007
R - 10/2010
Red Flags - Our whole marriage
DD in the last 20 years - Lost count
Made the great escape 9/4/2012

Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread I bumped in G might have some good ideas you can use:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=458450

For safety concerns, going dark, acting clueless, making an escape plan - it's a start.

I know the maddening frustration of no support, being thought of and looked at like I was crazy, the sense of isolation, feeling trapped...
It's all so stupid, and awful, and unnecessary!

Plain as day, NC = NO NEW HURTS
Aversion Therapy:
Snap a rubber band on your wrist every time you're tempted to see if *this time*, there will be understanding, sorrow, compassion.
It's. Just. Not. There.

Keep going forward.
Make your plan to get out.

& *SNAP*
NO CONTACT!


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with JJ. You're not bargaining with NPD, you're bargaining with yourself. Once you can figure out what the bargain you're trying to make with yourself, then you can figure out how to act.

But it does now depend on you. Not him.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone ever discussed the idea of narcissism with the narcissist?

And yes, the post about losing their sparkle once you see them for what they are. So true, and so sad...

I tried to talk to XNPDWH, offer him books about NPD, he just looked me in the eye and told me I was a Narcissist

But then again, that's the blameshifting, defensive MO of an NPD

From years of being blamed, emotionally and verbally belittled, I actually thought, maybe I was a N, but my IC assured me that could not be my case.

What was I thinking?? You CANNOT have a logical conversation with an NPD, it just won't work out and you will end up with a really bad headache from pounding your head against that darn brick wall


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
surrender
♀ New Member
Member # 31577
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually didn't see it as bargaining. I was trying to set some boundries but it's obvious that N's don't know what that is.

I have followed through with no contact and surprisingly he has not tried to contact me since he sent that ugly response which makes things alot easier on me. Like my mom said, "you haven't heard from him yet. He alwasy comes back." She is so right!

The good news I have two job interviews on Monday and one on Tuesday so I'm certain I will be working again soon.

The sooner the better so I can get the hell out of here.


BS - 38
H - 37
Three boys 15, 12 & 1
D - 10/2007
R - 10/2010
Red Flags - Our whole marriage
DD in the last 20 years - Lost count
Made the great escape 9/4/2012

Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2_4...

But I am really tired. He is relentless. He's always right. I am wrong. I have no energy left. My inner strength went somewhere and I can't find it.

Yes, that is what they do. They wear us down, wear us out, and make us so exhausted we can't fight back anymore. That's why it's so important to start making plans to get OUT.

I had to listen to ,"Well he was always nice to me" crap. Or, "That's what you say. "What's his side of the story"

And this is ignorance in action. Nobody understands this but the experts (who don't REALLY understand it!) and those of us who live it. People who have never dealt with these people think that there IS another side to the story, but there isn't. It's hollow, it's empty, and it's all lies. The truth is what WE live, not what THEY believe. Don't let those people drag you down further.

It's crazy 100%x 1000.

To infinity! That's the truth!

I am afraid. Afraid that he will always be controlling, in my life, afraid I'm losing my mind.

I am soooo tired. Will it end? Will I be okay? Will I ever see happiness again? Did he win and finally break me?

Again, it's what they do to us. That fear is what helps keep you there. Start planning, and talk to a lawyer! You have to get out before you can't anymore. Of course you're tired... living with them is a waking nightmare. You are the only one who can make it end, and yes, you will be ok and happy again. He only won and broke you if you give up. I was there this last winter. I know exactly what you are saying. I nearly just gave up. But this tribe helped me see that I could get out, and I did. EVERYTHING is different, even only one month into our separation! Take the step... just take it. There's nothing else like that feeling when you realize you can do what you want, not what makes them happy! Do NOT let him break you. Walk away from this.

thinking that having morals and values that define me is useless in this world. No one cares. I'm laughed at for having integrity. I get the cold shoulder for honesty. Being kind to others have made me look like a doormat. What's my lesson to learn? That this is a cold cold world? I hope not.

Your lesson is that you've lived with NPD so long you doubt the whole world, starting with yourself. Let me tell you something: there are more people than you realize out here who have the same morals as you. And that is what you will discover once you are not living in and catering to the NPD world.

Is living in a new place, a new town, new surroundings helpful? Will I feel better if we sell all our propeties and I buy something mine? Should I stay in my home? What will help me the most? I'm sorry for being all over the place. It's just where my head is right now.

What could be better than starting out fresh, with new everything to put together the way YOU want it? Living a life that does not include eggshells? Why apologize for being where we all are when we get to this point? You have been in hell for a long time, and it's not easy to clear your head while you're still there.

Take that first step. It's scary, and it's hard. But if you do it, and you find yourself out of hell, you will look around at the beauty of your life's possibilities and start seeing what has been there all along: YOU.

Find YOU.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
TellitLikeItIs
♀ Member
Member # 33737
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 3rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted the other day asking "survivors" how best to leave an NPD. Thanks for the advice and I will start my covert planning immediately.
I pasted a smile to my face upon his return to the house ... and lo and behold, the "prince" is back: seemingly considerate and caring and loving. So smug that he "won" again ..
It's amazing, isn't it ... what we can see and pick-up on when we know what we're looking for.
This will be a long process but I'm betting that I WILL be able to give an Oscar-worthy performance in order to exit la-la land.
Thank you all for being such kind and supportive folks. I really have no one in IRL who wants to believe what life with WH is like ... even my own family loves him and believes everything he says.


Me: BS youthful 51
Him: skittle shitting unicorn 54
Married: 14 years
Blended family: 6 kids: 30,25,25,23,21,11
D-day: June 22 2011
living with trickle truth and too many D-days to count
Looks like R may be "real" this time around ...


Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Canada
wifeno2
♀ Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 3rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies! I am still struggling with the reality of what I think I am dealing with. Fortuneately, or unfortuneatley he isn't like a lot of the NPD's being discussed. He is MUCH more covert. It has taken me 11 years to see it and taken his therapist a year to see it. He's not the over the top kind. He isn't really hard to live with. But yes, I am too much of a doormat and I am no longer okay with that.

I am not ready to leave. And the day to day life we have is pretty good. I just know that we don't really have the intimacy I want and he will always be at risk for cheating, lying and will also think of himself first.

Anyone else dealth with this kind of narcissism? I would like to get myself much more prepared before I leave. So I need to find ways to continue to heal without letting him undermine this.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 3rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wife nO 2,

Mine was mainly covert - 'mild-mannered' professor-ish type, though sometimes quite overt. Very confusing. Although it seems the rest of the world kinda knew, even if they didn't have a label for it (because I seem to have a massive amount of support IRL come out of the woodwork, even if before I was funneling a very lonely furrow and battle. If you need a dialogue and you're happy to converse with someone as clueless as me, PM me.



Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe,
Pull together and send positive thoughts and prayers to SoHurt today. She has her protection order hearing with her STBXNPDH.

I know she's going to do great, but all the mojo we can provide I'm sure would be appreciated.

((((SoHurt))))

[This message edited by sadtoo at 5:18 PM, June 5th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TellitLikeItIs
... HOW in the hell do you get out of this nightmare?

As the others have said, you have to have an escape plan. Or a plan to get him out.

Save and hide money. Don't put it in a bank account because if he finds it during the divorce, you will be forced to give him half. If you want to stay in the house and can afford it, consider a protection order which will remove him. Talk to a domestic violence advocate in your area to find out the guidelines. Talk to an attorney, find out your rights. Do all of this behind his back while acting totally NORMAL.

If has been violent in the past, get the protection order weather you stay in the house or if you move. Whatever your plan, do it all at one time. For example, if he goes out of town on business, that's your time. Have the movers lined up and your attorney ready to file for divorce and your protection order.

If he is violent, don't make the mistake of only filing for divorce or only filing for the protection order. You need to file both.

Make a visit to your local precinct and alert them to your situation. Take them photos of your STBXNPDH and any vehicles he may drive along with license plate numbers. (and a box of doughnuts Tell them what is going on and ask for a little extra protection. They will be happy to help. Also get to know your neighbors and let them know to call 911 if they see him or his vehicle.

Change your telephone number and block him from your email. You don't need to hear anything he has to say. And if it's THAT important, he can tell your lawyer.

You can do it. Just remember; When you're going through hell, keep going.

2_4giving4_2long
Most people in real life do NOT see the NPD for who he really is. He is very careful to keep his mask in place for those people. The other problem is they are masters at painting YOU out to be the "crazy" one or the one with "all the problems".

It really sucks.

I lost a lot of "friends" or people who at the time I thought were friends. But in reality I really weeded out the people in my life who really weren't friends. I mean "friends" are the people in your life who you need to count on in good times and bad. If they are only there for the good times and then bail on you during the bad, well....they're not much of a friend.

As far as the house, I don't know what to tell you. I kept my house and I'm glad I did. There was NO WAY IN HELL he was going to move in here with his OW. Maybe it was an emotional decision. Economically it was a struggle, but I am happy with my decision.

You're tired and confused because NPD's literally suck the life out of you. The are pathalogical liars so you don't know what the hell is going on most of the time. They constantly keep you off balance, all the while saying, "oh I would never.....how could you think that about me...."

The only way back to sanity is to get away from them and to go complete and total NC. If you have kids, only discuss matters of the children and do it via email.

Hang in there.

surrender
That's a great list of expectations and those should be a given in any NORMAL relationship. But the problem is you're dealing with an NPD, and there is no negotiating. It's their way or no way.

The rules only apply to you. he gets to do whatever he wants. Your only choice is to stay or go.

Why do I always feel bad for him?

Because he is a master manipulator. Because NPD's are the chronic victim.

The only way out is to disconnect and go NC.



It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


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