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User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I read your profile and the question you asked in the "questions for FWS's" forum.

I still say that was extremely sadistic. And if your WS is NPD, and if this happened while the affair was active, this could be part of the "demonizing" or "devaluing" process of the BS. It's all or nothing with NPD's. You're either the best thing in the world, or no better than last week's trash.

He could have been simply enjoying seeing the two of you together, getting off on the fact that he had two women "who wanted him" at the same time. Or he could have been comparing the two of you. Most likely he was having the OW help devalue you. That would explain why he allowed her to treat you so horribly and did nothing. This way there is an "outside" person who has confirmed his thoughts about you.

And he thinks he's being so sneaky because:

1) He's having an affair and thinks he's so smart and cunning nobody knows.

2) He is brazen enough to sit his wife and AP down together.

Where are you now in the reconciliation process? You said he is being "transparent". NPD's aren't usually known for being transparent. They are sneaky liars who would refuse transparency, refuse MC and IC. They typically just want to do lots of rug sweeping and want you to just "get over it".


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ima, I am sorry that he did this to you and there is no good reason for him to have done it. I believe they are on some kind of power trip and enjoy watching the wife who has no clue that they are meeting their husbsand whore. My stbx did this to me with who I suspect is is first whore. It was his boss and he had us all meet for lunch. I thought something was wrong when they wouldn't look at each other but their hands were under the table and I would look down and up fast and see their eyes pull away from each other. I was later told he was bragging about how he was holding her hand under the table while I was so stupid I didn't know.

NPDs are a lot unto themselves and it is hard for us to comprehend all the nasty things they do. They don't have empathy so they do not understand how vile this is to do to us. They do it to show their power and how "great" they are. They have two women who want them and it is NPD ego kibbles to them.

If your wh is NPD then I wonder too about his being transparent since they normally will not do this and refuse MC as they feel they know more than the counselor. Mine refused all of it and threatened me in one of his NPD rages when I asked questions about his affairs. This is their way to control us and make us back down from questioning them. Mine was also an alcoholic so it just fueled his rages. Maybe you should read page one of this thread and look at the traits of an NPD, then determine if your WH really is NPD. He might only have some of the traits but not be a full blown NPD. Also a good book is Narcissist Lovers and it really helped me to realize that my stbx was a full blown never gonna change NPD and my life was at risk.

I am so sorry that you are here but hope that yours isn't a true NPD.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo and soverybetrayed,
I appreciate your help!! I am so glad to have someone kind of spell it out for me. We are trying to R - he really is being transparent. I feel him trying. This all or nothing thing definetly is him. He is almost obsessive with trying to get me to stay with him. We have been separated in the past he came back swearing he loved me - wanted only me- only to still be seeing her.

I had no idea when he took me to meet her they were having an affair. She approached me and started grilling me about our marriage. He was standing right there. She is a drunk and started acting very crazy. In 3 hours of meeting her - she laughed in my face grabbed my arms asked me about how we met - told me how to parent my children. He stood right there and let it all happen I am positive this was to devalue me. I feel she is a N and she devalues people all over the place. Her A with him they spent hours talking about how little the other people in thier department worked and how much she did. How he was going to fire the manager in his department and give her the job. This manager at the time was doing a good job. So it wasn't just me he devalued and hurt. That mangaer finally left because the AP was allowed to talk to her like she was a piece of Sh*t. He never stepped in and helped her either- just let it happen. Heck my WS probably encouraged it. It was sadistic- never used that word before but you are right that is what it was.

I never considered him NPD. I was surprised when people said to come here. I do look at everything and I am not sure. This is just the worst of the things he did. He gave her so much information about me that she was able to easily torture me. He wants to go to MC and he wants to go to IC.
How can I R with him. I am not sure he will ever see what is going on inside himself. I cannot find the info you say on this board but I am going to buy the book today.
When the A started we weren't having problems. We were raising kids pretty much the same as always. We could have done more for each other - he blindsided me. He said the minute she started showing interest is the moment he decided something was wrong with our marriage and me. You are right he demonized me. His thought processes are skewed. Uh Oh now I am rambling. I just wanted to say thanks to both of you for helping me. I have been unable to think about this incident because it was so painful. It kind of came back to me as I am trying to R with him - I have been able to let most things go- it has been a long time - I am starting to heal, but this one is very painful. Thanks again and I am off to buy that book.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I think of this- you know he stood behind us and listened- never in front of us but stood behind and listened. It feels eery and very much like he was getting off on it. It feels like he was watching as if it were a movie. It is giving me the creeps. He heard all of it.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GOOD LORD NPD IS A PAIN!!

Hi ((TRIBE)) I really feel at home here.

Anyway my update: N acually help me detach. Crazy huh? He just shows up at the house. So I texted him (against my promise of NC) to tell him that he must notify me before "getting his stuff" from the house.

So far no repercussions. I don't care. Whatever. Puhlease. ETC. LOL.

So this July 4th was the "first time they made love and looked into each others eyes" and he was on his pity potty chair all day.

ME???? I had a GREAT time. I smiled a lot. I spent the day with really kind people. My DD and her B/F and his parents were so wonderful to me and I was myself. I love my life.

NPD????? Well he wanted me to feel sorry for him because he had nothing to do. I never replied. IT WAS GREAT!

I felt in my bones and and every cell that no matter what happens with the final divorce I will be okay I am ok.

The inner peace is so ZEN! I know that no matter what he tries to do to make me "regret" my choice to move on has no affect on me.

I don't worry about the what ifs. I replace thoughts of him with a prayer for someone else in need. I keep very little energy of him in prospective. I get annoyed when he cross my space but quickly look inside myself and ask, What will soothe me right now?

N thought I would be crying and begging for him to talk to me. UUUUUM NOPE!

I have no idea what's in store for me but I am looking forward to each new beginning I have for me.

I signed up for belly dancing and I am exciteddddd.
My DD and my stb DIL will be in it as well. YAY me!!

Another plus to yesterday???? I was told that I am as beautiful as DD. AND, now they know where DD got her caring heart, ability to put people at ease, and respectfulness from.

The beautiful part was nothing compared to the other complimates. I love love love that I raised my kids to be kind, considerate, and respectful towards others.

I am boucing back I am finding me again. I worry less. I look forward to each hurdle ( to prove to myself I can.) and I do.

Now I am planning a trip to OK to see my g/f and then we both are taking the trip back home in August. It will be a blast.

I CAN BREATHE!!!

The ((Tribe)) is a blessing and I do thank all of you for caring for anyone who comes on this thread seeking answers and support. Gotta love the ((Tribe))


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
OnTilt
♀ Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheating aside, if you try to explain to your NPD spouse why your own needs aren't being met or what is making you unhappy in your marriage, what is the typical response you will get?

Just trying to figure out if I really have spent the last 18 years with an NPD and am now just figurin it out. Very hard to wrap my brain around this.

Thanks


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 372 | Registered: Dec 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here are the characteristics of Narcissism

In order to "qualify" as a narcissist, a person must meet some or all of the below criteria:
Inability to empathy
Expects special treatment
Feeling of entitlement
Inability to admit that he or she is wrong
Inability to receive criticism
Unexpected, strong bursts of rage in situations that would not trigger rage in normal people. There aggressive outbursts are referred to as narcissistic rage.
Does not react to tears. If other person starts crying due to the cruel behavior of a narcissist, that may even aggravate the rage of a narcissist
Perceives oneself as omnipotent, superior individual
Strong need for admiration. Admiration serves as a form of a narcissistic supply. Without sufficient amount of narcissistic supply a narcissist feels empty and unsatisfied. A narcissist is like a drug addict, and narcissistic supply in its different forms is the drug.
Is often envious and mocks other people (often behind their back)
In the beginning of the relationship idealizes one's partner and often talks about supreme, never-ending love. However as the relationship proceeds a narcissist often withdraws his or her attention and may become cold and uncaring, even cruel.
Is often untruthful and due to this often ends up cheating in a relationship. Cheating is often a consequence of other traits of a narcissist, such as the feeling of entitlement (it is impossible for a narcissist to do anything wrong and so a narcissist does not perceive cheating to be a huge "crime"), inability to emphasize with the cheated partner and the need for admiration (narcisst supply)
Double standards: A narcissist twists the rules so that they fit to the current needs of a narcissist. For example, if the spouse of a narcissist is cheating on a narcissist, the spouse is considered to be dishonest and bad person, whereas if a narcissist is cheating it is not wrong, because a narcissist simply "fell in love" and followed his or her heart. Double standards also apply to other areas in life.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ima
He is almost obsessive with trying to get me to stay with him. We have been separated in the past he came back swearing he loved me - wanted only me- only to still be seeing her.

This is troubling to me as in a NPD red flag sort of way. NPD's are huge control freaks. The fact that he was "obsessed" with trying to get you back speaks volumes. Especially adding the fact that he was still seeing the OW. Image is EVERYTHING to the NPD. Also people in the NPD's life are considered "property" not loved ones.

So as a spouse or "victim" of an NPD it can be very confusing because they want to hold on to us at all cost and we interpret this as "love." But in reality it's anything but love.

The incident with the OW drunk and questioning you while he watched and did nothing. Yes, sadistic and cruel. I believe he watched and took pleasure in your pain.

My XNPH would do similar things to me while we were married. He would tell his AP's where we were going to be and his AP's would show up with friend's at the same place. He would introduce them as someone he knew from work, etc. I knew something was off, but at that time I was so far in denial I couldn't see it. He would take great glee in seeing this all take place. It was sickening. But I didn't put it all together until after we separated. So at the time I just thought these were some strange women he knew. And of course they all "had crushes on him"

Like I said, it's very confusing for the spouse. I heard constantly "I love you, I would never, blah, blah blah..." All the while he WAS! with several,(serial cheating) and even had an OC. But through pathalogical lying and other jibberish, he kept me completely off balance.

Most NPD's won't agree to go to IC or MC but some will because they have a MASSIVE ego and they think they can fool or outthink the IC or the MC. Mine was like this, yours may be too. Or he may just be saying he will go but won't follow through.

The other thing that stands out to me is how he and the OW devalued others in the work place. That type of bullying is also very typical of an NPD.

Just a heads up for you. He is NOT going to see what's going on with him. NPD is not something that can be "fixed". This is a deeply engrained personality disorder, not a mental illness. So if anything, he will probably get worse, not better.

Sorry



It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, July 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi IMA.

I read all your posts and profile. I am so sorry you're here. The ((Tribe)) are all great people who helped me SO much.

Please listen to the others who posted to you. They speak from the heart. They KNOW NPDs. We all do.

Being with an NPD is hell. It's confusing, it's overwhelming. It's tough. You will find answers to all your doubts and questions here.

The ((Tribe)) really do care about you. They know the fears. They know the signs. They know that you're not crazy. They also know the hope a BS will hang on to and want to believe this time he/she means it or gets it. The sad part is NPDs don't. Like Sadtoo said, he is CRUEL. He is. Mine was the same. He had me meet the ow. "She is a very nice person ya know"
Anyway, when I started on here I was SOOOOO Scared when I finally drew the line in the sand. My NPD pushed it and it became very scary. I mean I was beyond afraid.

Here, I had gotten the courage and strength to move forward. I read every thread on SI about NPD. I had to admit to myself this is not what a marriage is. It was a sham. Fake. Abusive. SCARY.

I really wanted to believe my NPD was never like this. But through IC and an old journal I found, boy, there it was. All of it. In my handwriting. It was always about him.

The only thing I would say to you is to be careful. If you don't play the game his way this ugly beast rears it's ugly head. I NEVER thought mine would put me in physical danger. But he did. After 25 years together, I was HIS.

Hugs to you IMA. Sadtoo gave a list of traits of NPD. Go through them and think back and see how many times you maybe shrugged it off because he was tired, or stressed, or drunk.

The people here will be here for you. I will too.


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always thought my screwed up xws had a thing with his secretary . And this topic has got me thinking about one night we were all out at the bar , and she said to us " awwww....the two love birds" . And I half heartedly smiled at the time because....a)I had just found out he was cheating on me , and b) I didn't like her. Soon after she said that my ws decided he hated the band at that bar and we had to leave . Or there was another time I invited her to my 30th birthday party. How weird would that be if really she had been shtooking him the whole time? And yet going to my birthday? Calling us "love birds" at the bar? Once she had asked me to join a pole dancing excercise class with her, which I didn't , but then later both of his secretaries had wanted to instal a pole in the back part of his bar!!(which is where the office was).
You know...........I am just so glad to be out of all of that. I'm so glad I finally got rid of him. One day....all his craziness and trying to find reasons for it.....it just won't matter anymore.


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, July 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ima, please read the list of traits that sadtoo posted and see how many he has. I read the list again even though I know mine is NPD and was shocked to see that stbx actually has ALL the traits. It is just down right scary to deal with these people.

You said he is being transparent and I thought mine was too as I had always known his email accounts and passwords, except for the ones where I found the evidence of his cheating. Those were accounts he never told me about or had mentions years before. I found the first one by trying variations of his regular account. The second one he had told me about the year we got married and somehow I remembered it. The things I found in the email address were the most devastating I have ever dealt with. The stupid thing was they all had the same password. So while he looked like he was being transparent he really wasn't. I have also discovered that he has a gmail account but I don't have the password to that one. Never trust that you have all the information as NPDs do not believe they should be transparent, they are alway right and you are always wrong. How dare you questions them or want answers, they tell you what they want you to know and you are to accept it.

Post here often and someone will always pop in to help.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thanks to all of you. I am shocked but grateful to finally figure this out. I have read oodles of things since yesterday. He has many of the characteristics. Not all, but most. He participates in MC - but I have always felt this was to make sure I stay and not let people see how F@@ked up he is. I don't know how to express it, but I think my leaving would mess up how he is viewed by his friends. I just don't feel this is about me.
I am kind of in a daze today and feel very down, but as I read all of those things and reviewed the list- read others stories- It is my life.
I was put down for the last 25 years every time I did well at a job I did something wrong - if I didn't excel at a job then I did something wrong- if I worked too much - I was wrong - if I worked too little - wrong- if I bought the kids clothes - wrong- if I didn't buy clothes - wrong- if I put flowers in the yard - wrong- if I didn't put flowers out - wrong- If I didn't buy clothes to make myself pretty for him due to not having enough money- I looked horrible- if I did buy clothes -then I spent too much. My life has been crazy.
I have to come to grips with this- I just am so confused today. I am however, grateful to finally figure this out. Now I have to sit back and decide how to handle this. I can't express to each of you my thanks for helping me- I really didn't think I belonged here but couldn't get these nagging things out of my mind. Some of the things he has done and said to me are just strange. I took it as quirks in his personality. I let him treat me so poorly over the years and just said - Oh that's just his way. I have spent the last few months trying to make him take responsibility for his actions and every time he comes back with - that's how you interpret this- you always twist everything- once again on me.
D#mn- I see it so clearly now- Thank you so much!!!


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
OnTilt
♀ Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ima,

I am very, very new to his NPD thing so I don't have any advice, but your description of never doing anything right hit me hard. My wh has been like this throughout my entire 13 year marriage. I spent that time first fighting him, then keeping quiet, to walking away, to making a joke out of it. I'm not the one with the problem, yet I made all the changes to keep the peace.

I don't believe my wh is a full blown NPD as he doesn't fit quite a few the personality traits, but the ones he does fit make it extremely difficult to be with him.

My wh did MC for 4 sessions, and SOB if he didn't have the MC feeling SORRY for HIM! My wh portrayed himself as the perfect family man, hard working, always home after work, etc. All the finances on his shoulders because I am unemployed right now.

All this is true, except he still somehow found time to reconnect with every female from his past he could dig up, emails, chats, flirting, etc., and who knows what else.

Last two MC sessions were spent with the MC getting PISSED at me for interrupting wh, and telling me how I need to get a job to relieve poor wh's burden. MF!!!

And now wh will not go back to any MC. Bastard has now been validated.

The hardest part? Convincing myself it's not me and that I'm not crazy. What makes it really hard is EVERYONE believes he is a GREAT guy, would never cheat, blah blah blah! Even my closest friends truly believe this. And that's all that seems to matter to wh; that everyone sees him as the good guy, therefor he is.

I literally have no one in my corner. Wh's brother is a full blown NPD, I am close with two of his ex wives, and whenever I try to tell them what wh is like, they get very quiet. THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME! They think my wh is the good brother and that I am lucky!

LUCKY me!


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 372 | Registered: Dec 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ima,
He participates in MC - but I have always felt this was to make sure I stay and not let people see how F@@ked up he is. I don't know how to express it, but I think my leaving would mess up how he is viewed by his friends

This is so NPD. It's all about HIM. He's not in MC to help repair the damage he's caused by having an affair. He's there trying to figure out how to preserve his carefully constructed image. And how to keep YOU from leaving. This is YOUR problem.

I was put down for the last 25 years every time I did well at a job I did something wrong

It wouldn't matter if you have done everything in your life PERFECT for the last 25 years and looked amazing doing it, there would still be something wrong with it.

And you had better take his nit-picking criticism well, too. But don't you dare criticize anything HE does. HE is perfect!

that's how you interpret this- you always twist everything

....yeah...when in reality it is HE who is twisting everything. This is part if the NPD "crazy making" they accuse YOU of the things THEY are doing.

It's maddening.

Some of the things he has done and said to me are just strange. I took it as quirks in his personality. I let him treat me so poorly over the years and just said - Oh that's just his way

Me too. And when other people would say things like, "He's an arrogant ass!" I used to defend him because they didn't understand him like I did.

My life has been crazy

This is life with an NPD.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to welcome the newcomers who have finally stumbled into this thread in a daze. Read all you can about NPD. It helps so much to know what you are dealing with and you will learn strategies for dealing with the NPD and for escaping your relationship with them.

2_4: It's so good to know you are in so much a better place. You have really come a long way in a short amount of time. Congrats on finding some peace and freedom.

if you try to explain to your NPD spouse why your own needs aren't being met or what is making you unhappy in your marriage, what is the typical response you will get?

Crickets and that empty stare... Or they will turn the tables on you and blame you for creating your own unhappiness. Or they will make it all about them and how YOU are making them so unhappy.

You are not allowed to express feelings and emotions - especially if you are in someway implying that the NPD has something to do with it.

Ima, they are very good at pretending, and they are notorious for using forums such as counseling to their advantage - just as OnTilt describes. They can be very charming and persuasive, and of course, they know how to portray themselves as the victim. So this statment you made makes perfect sense actually:

He participates in MC - but I have always felt this was to make sure I stay and not let people see how F@@ked up he is. I don't know how to express it, but I think my leaving would mess up how he is viewed by his friends. I just don't feel this is about me.

It's not about you. At all. It's all about him. Always is.

The hardest part? Convincing myself it's not me and that I'm not crazy. What makes it really hard is EVERYONE believes he is a GREAT guy

I literally have no one in my corner.

This is difficult. Unless someone has dealt with this level of crazy, they really can't relate at all. I found that at a certain point, I couldn't confide in most people about the craziness that went on and was going on in my marriage and divorce. It just sounds so unbelievable, and I began to fear that they were thinking that I was the crazy one. So I largely stopped relating NPD antics to people. But this place, on this thread, we all get it. Nothing you can say here would probably shock us. We've all lived it. Please know that we are on your side. Keep reading and posting.

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 12:33 PM, July 6th (Friday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheating aside, if you try to explain to your NPD spouse why your own needs aren't being met or what is making you unhappy in your marriage, what is the typical response you will get?

Ridicule for making it all about you as usual. Claims that you are too sensitive, too demanding, unreasonable, along with proof of how what he does is soooo much better or more than every other married couple example and why can't you just be satisfied.

If that doesn't work, just sit back and watch them try all the "tricks" in their bag to see if something will work. (a hug, flowers, promises to go to counseling, church, date night, pitch in with chores, he'll disappear to go load the dishwasher or some other honey-do chore...) It reminded me of a dog I had. When you tried to teach her a new trick she'd run through all the known tricks, (sit, down, beg) over and over with this wide eyed half desperate crazy look in the eyes. It was a desperate attempt to please and avoid consequences, but a lack of knowing how to do what I was asking. Just like the NPD trying to mimic human response or understand emotions.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hardest part? Convincing myself it's not me and that I'm not crazy. What makes it really hard is EVERYONE believes he is a GREAT guy, would never cheat, blah blah blah! Even my closest friends truly believe this. And that's all that seems to matter to wh; that everyone sees him as the good guy, therefor he is.

Trust your gut. You don't have to play his game of it is only true if everyone says it is true. Truth just is. If he's an arrogant ass who is cheating and bullying you it doesn't matter who thinks he is charming and devoted.

I literally have no one in my corner. Wh's brother is a full blown NPD, I am close with two of his ex wives, and whenever I try to tell them what wh is like, they get very quiet. THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME! They think my wh is the good brother and that I am lucky!

I think this is the most insidious harm of abuse. The isolation.

I wonder though at the silence. Is it condemnation of your claims or is it trigger response from a conditioned victim? Just a thought.

And the full blown npd brother. I wonder if they aren't both "full blown" but different types of N's. Chances are one was favored over the other by a N parent and so one is sparkly and charming (your wh) and the other is bitter and mean (the brother). Doesn't make one better or worse. The sparkly ones are far more dangerous because they can be charming and collect more victims.

((((tribe))))


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, July 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As to the MC.....

I joined IC first, then found out all the internet affiar crap from xws, then made him attend couple counselling with me. But they wouldn't let us attend together. One day my counsellor said to me..."do you ever think maybe he is so interested in you getting counselling because he wants us to FIX you??" . My counsellor worked in co-ordination with my xws counselor , but we never did sessions together. So, the counsellors did talk about us with each other, just didn't make us privy to any of it. She also once said to me " it's not normal that someone would commit murder and have no remorse for it". To me, it is interesting because I think she was trying to tell me to "get out!". But in not so many words! I mean, I know that his counselor had asked him about the murder he committed when he was younger, and he tells EVERYONE that he doesn't care that he did it......I just always thought that was a front, like he had to act tough , iykwim.But to even say that to his counselor....and then have my counselor sneak it in there TO ME......
It's funny though, because the whole time we were in counselling he was cheating on me anyways!!!! And another creepy thing.....I told my xws a very big secret from my childhood. I knew I shouldn't have told him it as soon as I said it. Later he asked me a million questions about it.....even stuff that was.....getting a little too specific for comfort.And he even used it against me while he was cheating and we were in counselling, telling me I had post rtaumatic stress disorder and I was "just having an EPISODE!". wow............the things you push out of your mind.......
Gawd I'm glad to be away from that man.


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, July 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She also once said to me " it's not normal that someone would commit murder and have no remorse for it". To me, it is interesting because I think she was trying to tell me to "get out!". But in not so many words! I mean, I know that his counselor had asked him about the murder he committed when he was younger, and he tells EVERYONE that he doesn't care that he did it......I just always thought that was a front, like he had to act tough , iykwim.But to even say that to his counselor....and then have my counselor sneak it in there TO ME......
Wow. He's a Psychopath. Do you have sole custody??

Posts: 10975 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, July 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny because I used to tell stbx that everyone thinks he is "Mr. Wonderful" and that if they knew the "real" him they wouldn't like him and he agreed with me. I didn't know anything about NPDs at the time but I knew the real him and he was a nasty, mean little bastard. He would talk about the same people behind their back and ridicule them to me. But these are the same people that he cries about and calls his "family". Sicko. He is always Mr. Helpful around the neighborhood but never works on our house. He is also the only guy in the neighborhood with the cooler stocked with beer. Used to piss me off how much he spent on beer each week but I finally gave up and figured he is an alcoholic and I can't change him.

Dawn4, I have spoken with 2 counselors and the first one told me point blank to never ever go back to him. She pegged him as NPD just from the things I told her. She knew that he has threatened my life and that the reason I finally left was that he almost beat the crap out of me. The second counselor pegged him as NPD and a Sociopath. She also was adamant that I never return to him. It was hard to hear but when two counselors warn you then you know you had better listen. These guys have no feelings and can do anything. My stbx has claimed that the cops are lucky that he never became a criminal cause he would be a perfect one, plus he has told me he could kill me and no one would ever find my body. I believe him.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
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