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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, July 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soverybetrayed....that was exactly mine too!! He would help everybody, especially financially, even offered to give this woman 30grand to help start her odinist school, but if I needed a tooth fixed?! ....well I was always tricking him, or using him or I was bad with money. He would help anyone and everyone with anything but he never lifted a finger around the house. When I had our second baby boy, the DAY I came home from having a c-section, AND I had a 13 month old toddler running around WITH a severe diaper rash (thanks to him) , XWS left the house to go take his friends to buy a new PUPPY!! I had to chase down my 13 month old, put him in the bath, and take care of a newborn all by myself, 3 days after having major abdominal surgery!

@thoughtIknewya.....no, I don't have sole custody. He does act like he loves his kids, although he is somewhat neglectful of them. I plan to go for sole custody, but have him have restricted visitation. So, every other weekend and one night a week or something like that. PArt of my reason for leaving was my concern for how my kids would be raised with him.....so it seems strange to hand them over to him every weekend....iykwim? But.....I think he does loves them in whatever way is possible for him.


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, July 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really is strange....once you're out of it , to think back on everything, all the stuff that happened....how poorly they treated their partners, and wonder, WHY? WHY the hell did I minimize that? Why did I stay so long? What was wrong with ME, that I let someone treat me so poorly??


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really is strange....once you're out of it , to think back on everything, all the stuff that happened....how poorly they treated their partners, and wonder, WHY? WHY the hell did I minimize that? Why did I stay so long? What was wrong with ME, that I let someone treat me so poorly??

Amen!

After my D I was talking to some co-workers about the M and some things he had said/done that I, at the time, had blown off as trivial but they just stared at me like with that "are you fucking kidding me??..that is NOT normal behavior" stare that I have come to know so well.


Posts: 410 | Registered: Jun 2012
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, July 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She also once said to me " it's not normal that someone would commit murder and have no remorse for it".....his counselor had asked him about the murder he committed when he was younger, and he tells EVERYONE that he doesn't care that he did it..

I don't know the details of this but I would be wanting sole custody. Once the kids get older they become more at risk for abuse from someone like this because they will challenge them.

I have sole custody and access at my discression because of his abuse of the children that got progessively worse.

My ex at times woult seem transparent but he would always tell only part of the truth or somehow manipulate the details so he had something to have control and the upper hand.

My ex would go to some counceling but then it would be about him and fixing me because I was the problem and he was the victim. He also would do something similar with my family. He was this great husband who was so harddone over by his lazy wife who didn't work and only stayed home with the kids (sat on her ass and ate bonbons all day) and he had to do everything himself. Of course out of the other side of his mouth to others he would be so thrilled at how wonderful a wife he had who did all these home renovations, took care of the kids and the house and did odd jobs as well. Whatever made him look the best to the person listening.

If someone has a sibling that is a personality disorder I would be inclined to think that there is some kind of damage done to other children in that household as well.

Personality disorders are extremely hard to diagnose and even harder to treat. Many professionals are not able to detect them in just counceling meetings with the person. The statistics seem to indicate the almost 1 in 10 people have a personality disorder of some kind so many go undiagnosed (partly because they tend not to seem help themselves and then if they are disturbing the lives of others in some way and are forced to get some counceling)

In reality the label is sort of meaningless. The damage these people do is real and lasting. A good bit of it is like putting a frog in water and turning up the heat. You don't see how bad it is until you get out of the pot. Sadly some never do get out.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If someone has a sibling that is a personality disorder I would be inclined to think that there is some kind of damage done to other children in that household as well.

My xws has a sister he refuses to speak to because she has three children which are half black(he's racist), and she is schizophrenic and always in and out of half way homes or on the streets with drugs and prostitution. His brother he also doesn't speak to because he has children with a native woman, he has the largest child support arrears in our province, and he got into an altercation with his father and his step mother and they asked him to not come to their house ever again!Oh, and because when my X was in jail years ago, his brother stole his identity and worked under his SIN number(hiding from support enforcement). XWS also doesn't speak to his mother. He tells our kids all the time about the abuse he suffered from her.....which I don't think is entirely appropriate to say, but I do feel very badly for him that he had to live with that woman. Seeing my kids, knowing once upon a time he was a little boy like them, I wish she had taken care of him properly, and maybe he might have had a chance at raising a good family. It's quite sad really. His mother was screwed up. His grandmother was abandoned in her crib as a baby and nearly died, then when she had a family her husband came back from the war and went crazy. When he was institutionalized all her kids were taken away because in those days you couldn't be a single mother with 5 kids. My XWS dad is the only one of her kids that escaped foster parenting because he was too old for the system. Which is probably why he is the only one of her children who is successful, and probably why my X is still a high functioning member of society! (although, I guess you could argue that since he did go to jail for murder......yet he does run more than one successful company..?) I guess that would depend on how you define "successful".


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who did he murder? And why isn't he in prison?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was visiting the states when he was in his early twenties, long before I knew him, and he killed a fellow skinhead because they thought he(the man he and his friend killed) wasn't all that white. He got 19 years , but since he was canadian, they let him out after 5 on some weird technicality, and told him to never come back to the U.S. I met him.....6 years after he got out. Wow....I thought it was more than that!In those 6 years he had already married and was in the process of divorce when we met...........
Man , WHAT was I ever THINKING!? lol.....clearly...I just wasn't. I guess I have this horrible thing of seeing the best in people.

[This message edited by Dawn4 at 12:57 AM, July 8th (Sunday)]


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
hemademesingle
♀ Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dawn4- I think you need to be careful, they say the most dangerous time is when you are trying to break free,I would be truly afraid of him because of his past, I know we shouldn't judge a person because of the past, but if they haven't shown any improvement over many years, that would be very telling, I'm sure he loves his children in his own way, but you have to ask if it's a healthy way

For now it's great for him, it's only been 3 weeks, he is having a great time, he has money, he knows where you are at your mom's he knows that your mom won't see her grandchildren go hungry, you have the responsibility of the kids, he can see them at his convenience, come and go as he pleases no one to answer to, and he dosn't have to pay you unless he wants to, I've been where you are, I stayed over 20 years of my life trying to protect my children, and hoping I could change him, that the kids would make him change to be a better person, but nope in his selfish narcissist mind everything is always all about him

Getting thru the courts seems to be taking forever, my little monster, only pays what he wants to, it will be a year in August, and I still have no court ordered support, because if my npd don't want to forward his financial's then he don't, even a judges orders have not made him play by the rules, cause after all rules don't apply to them


Posts: 361 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hemademesingle, that is exactly mine too. He is being audited, and would he cooperate with the auditer?? Nope, he told him not to contact him again , he knows his rights, and to only speak with his accountant! He usually gets away with it too! But I'm going to "welfare" tomorrow(they don't call it that here) and they can try to get money out of him.....as well as just making him look bad, which will help me later in court. Also I should hopefully have a lawyer this week, and then I can go straight to support enforcement and tell them he will not want to pay and they will start watching him from day 1. My sister had a friend who's husband was like this and she had to do the same thing.

Last night I was a little creeped out, being here alone, thinking about the what-ifs. I know once he knows I want a part of his company, he will be pissed off. I don't think he would ever get his own hands dirty, but he knows a lot of shady people who would do a lot for a little bit of money.It seems crazy to think that.....but I have seen a lot of craziness in the time I've been with this guy.
But.....what do you do? I guess I could at least mention it to my lawyer. It's not like getting a restraining order would do any good. And he's never been violent with me. At least I'm at my moms. And I'm pretty sure he has no idea where it is. He's awful with directions.


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good LARD, I am so pizzissed today!! I woke to an email from my NPD MIL. It was a video of my BIL ("married" to my NPD SIL) on a Patriot Cruise. The background is that he is in the military and got his legs blown to bits in Iraq. Damn near died from loss of blood. When MIL called to tell us, she commented on his 'low pain threshold' and how he was combative on the scene. He was flown back to Walter Reed and my SIL didn't even go see him for a couple of MONTHS! He was released into her care- one of just a couple of years they have co-habitated in 18 years-her choice. She would often take his walker away and make him crawl up the steps to get to the bathroom, but she was 'helping' him. He healed and we continue to hear about how he limps more when there are other soldiers around. How HE did his his PT wrong and that's why he's still messed-up, and how HE is going to "screw-up" and get a medical discharge. All of this is going on while his "loving wife" is living as a single mom, dating, using her maiden name, and having his whole check deposited into her account. He couldn't even buy a cheeseburger if he wanted one! People give him things they make for him- a cane, some quilts, stuff like that and my MIL walked into my house a couple of years ago and handed me a quilt. I asked what it was and she said it was one that some ladies made for BIL. I took it to keep it for him, but I have no idea why they just give all of his stuff away. It's like they just want him to 'get over it and quit being a baby'. Anyway, the video was him alone with a family who took him out on the Potomac for the 4th. He looked so sad- and I've never seen him look like that- even right after he was injured- and it just PISSED ME OFF ROYALLY that he had no family around him. He has another surgery this week (this makes over 200 surgeries). I guess it's to fix whatever that problem is that makes him limp more when there are other soldiers around. I disowned my Hs family over this- over the way this SIL is treated. I'm just a DIL, you know, and I'm not stupid...

GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 2:46 PM, July 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 10971 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
JessicaFL127
♀ Member
Member # 26864
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been lurking and not posting on this specific forum for my privacy from a certain zebraduck of my own, but I had to respond to your post about your poor BIL. This is horrific and I am lucky that none of my friends or my xh were injured in Iraq or Afghanistan. To treat someone so horribly who was not as lucky is despicable, especially his WIFE and family? If I can help in any way I will, he deserves so much better.


BW,32
divorced for 6 years
mom to two awesome boys,10 and 9

"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC

"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"


Posts: 1244 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Missouri
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Jessica! It's really hard to reach him because he's 'monitored'. I actually sent him an email the day he was injured (prior to his injury) telling him that I appreciated the sacrifices he was making for our country. It was intercepted and he never got it. SIL physically stopped us from talking at her grandmother's party- I don't even know why, but she didn't want me talking to him. (Actually, I DO know why. It was because I knew of some money she had that he didn't know about.) Anyway, MIL and SIL are busy, busy, busy protecting the 'image'. When I watched the video, I learned he's facing amputation. Nobody has mentioned a thing about it! These people make me sick!

ETA: We sent him an email last night asking him to call us or give us the number where he is. I'm not terribly optimistic that he'll get it, though. We'll see...

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 10:09 AM, July 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 10971 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just reading this, and may I say that your SIL sounds just plain evil. Why won't he divorce this crazy woman??? Can the military help with independent living programs? To think that he went through the hell of war to come back to a she-devil!


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

v,

She IS evil! These stories barely scratch the surface. I've known her 20 years and there's a story for every encounter.

With this BIL, there's a LOT of triangulation going on (as you can see) and I think he really thinks he loves her. MIL paid a lawyer to draw up D papers six years ago (I believe this was the second time) and SIL put that on hold when she realized she'd get more money out of him if she stayed married. He sees his THREE sons about twice a year.

I can understand that he can't really see what's going on because of all of the lying, manipulation, triangulation, etc. It took me a LONG time to see it. I guess it was a couple of months ago, I started a thread about my batshit crazy in-laws and realized a few posts in that I belonged here in NPD. So, I can see how he doesn't WANT to see it, even with as abusive as it's been. Or we could look at it like H does. He said, "Shiiiiiit, I'd PAY her to stay the hell out of my life, too, if I could!" So, it actually may be worth it to him to hand over his money and not have to deal with her.


Posts: 10971 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThoughtIknewya, that is just so wrong, your poor BIL. He needs to have someone in his corner to help him get away from her. He doesn't deserve the type of treatment that is being done to him. Gawd that just pisses me off to no end.

Dawn, hey girl, please take care of yourself and your kiddos. You stbx sounds really unstable, he may be a functioning nut job but he is still a nut job. My stbx is Mr Wonderful around everyone and has a very high paying job so no one suspects the abuse that I have taken for over 5 years. When neighbors did hear him yelling at me they just shook it off as "it must be the tv" since we rarely fought. None of them know the real person who threatens to kill me and hide my body where no one will find it. And no one has seen his cold dead eyes as the threatens me with physical abuse. These guys can get to a point where nothing matters and they strike. Please be careful and make sure you check in with us so we know you are ok.

For the new folks, Welcome and I am soooooo very sorry that you are here. It is not a fun life to be living but you are among friends who have been down the same path. We hold each other up and try to help those who are still in it learn to walk away.You will find help here.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mostly I'm just afraid he will get split custody and visitation of our kids. He is telling me that is what a lawyer told him....... I didn't want to have to fight him.....but it looks like that is where this is headed.


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dawn, don't listen to a word he says. Have him speak with your lawyer from here on. If his lips are moving, he's attempting to manipulate you.

We haven't received a response from BIL. I'm afraid the email was intercepted (as I expected). I can try to call Walter Reed and locate him there. Maybe we'll try that tonight, when H gets home. It REALLY sucks because MIL is headed to TN, I'm sure SIL is just doing her own thing in SC , and BIL is sitting alone in a hospital waiting to learn if he's facing amputation or not. Nobody even told us he was facing this! We learned about on a news broadcast. That's how 'cut off' he is from everyone else.


Posts: 10971 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe, I am not sure if anyone has posted about or read this book but I found "trapped in the mirror" by Elan Golomb PHD, it discusses adult children of Narcissists in their struggle for self. So far it has really shown me that my mother was NPD and how she set me up to choose NPD men. I found the book at a used book store and picked it up because I wondered if my mom was NPD due to her verbal, emotional and physical abuse. It is also helping me to see just who my stbx became NPD, not that it will change anything but it is helping me to grow and heal. Just wanted to put this out there for anyone who thinks they may have had an NPD parent.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a little update: We're pretty sure the email was intercepted. H talked to MIL and some of the things she said made me wonder if they were tracking my posts here, so I'm going to be quiet for a while- at least publicly. We're still trying to contact him while trying to stay out of the web.

Posts: 10971 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, July 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck ThoughIKnewYa. I hope you are able to help him.


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
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