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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL Edie. I'll take that as a compliment. I find it amusing, today, that I can snort and shake my head, rather than report that I'm hooked to a new KISA/NPD. He would SO have turned my head and had me hooked not that long ago. But nope, I was all kinds of "EEEEWWWWW! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Progress, indeed. And if that makes me a "high class filly," then I'll wear the label of horse proudly.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy. First of all, my X won interim custody the way he wanted, 50/50. but just for the summer. He's going to try to split up the kids for school, but the judge said his visitation will go to fri-sunday. So, I anticipate having to go back to court before school starts. yay. I may just ask for costs next time. I think I should be able to get them, since he is the one wanting to fight about school, and I have to travel to the city to go to court(2 hours away).

Now he has seen my response though! So, he is mad that I'm not hiding all his stupid dirty secrets. HE didn't come to court either, which I thought was interetsing. Anyways, he's mad. So today I texted him about these pot belly pigs we had/have. One of them died because they are not properly cared for, and it died from heat stroke. So I texted to "suggest" to him that he give the pigs shade because they can't sweat, and they will continue to die if he doesn't take care of them. Hejust said "don't text me unless it is about pick up or drop off time". Lol. I was like NO PROBLEM! I have been trying to do NC with him, and pretty successfully, but he would try to talk about stuff all the time, and then it inevitably would turn into him attacking me . So, it will be nice to have some quiet! I almost hope he gets girlfriend soon so he loses interest in trying to fight with me about the kids and money and stuff. But, he's stubborn as hell, so I doubt that will happen any time soon.

So except for him being awarded shared interim custody for the summer, I think, it's ok. It'll be helpful to me to have those extra days for now. To help get stuff done. And it gives me time to myself, and friends and things. In a few months we'll go to court and the judge will hear the whole case, and we will have an hour or so to discuss things, and hopefully, the judge will see that my request for less than 50/50 is reasonable in this case. hopefully. I at least have to try.

so. since he won't talk about the little pot belly pigs, I'm just going to go call the peace officer ! poor guys.


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
hopefulmom
♀ Member
Member # 23556
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So XWH got remarried this week....her kids were in the wedding, ours were not even invited. Keep in mind he has not seen our kids in 4 years and randomly texts them things about his life. (never asks about them) He did tell them he was engaged...last February but that was it.
He pays no support afterall 2 are college age and provides no help with college expenses...He told his daughter he was broke and couldn't help her when she asked...he had no idea how he was going to support himself (he went back to school by choice). So....low and behold....the honeymoon is where?? Hawaii. Wonder who is paying for that?


me-44
WH-45
married 22 years
Dday 10/08
Divorced!

Posts: 257 | Registered: Apr 2009
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some insight and know this is the best place to find it.
My sister's husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive to her.
We finally have her convinced his behavior is NOT normal.
He has accused her of looking at other men, constantly.
He has taken her aside to "discuss" things during family get togethers to a point that she cannot spend any time with the rest of us. While we are together as a family he threatens to leave several times.
She is constantly trying to soothe his quick anger.
He is using religion to control her, almost obsessively.
He has lied about many things, even unnecessarily to gain approval, make her look bad.
He has used her daughter to manipulate her. Accused her of being a bad parent. She has been a single parent with a medically fragile child for 11 yrs.
Has cut her off from her friends, family and support.

I am almost positive he is NPD.
The part of this that terrifies me, (and I have only vaguely touched upon the issues) is that they have been married 6 weeks!

Any advice on how she deals with extracting herself from this relationship?

Her house is his house, her car his car, her money his money. He refuses to leave.

Her daughters medical supplies and nursing care are done out of her place.
I could go on with more, but I hoped I could find some quick advice.
Thanks!


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tt, your sister should get far away, how does she do it? Will she even listen?

I think
we each need to go through this stink.

Telling others is often frustrating, few really do understand.

I think the one thing that separates us from the rest of SI is we know, you really need to run, there's no R when dealing with a NPD.

Sorry.


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the one thing that separates us from the rest of SI is we know, you really need to run, there's no R when dealing with a NPD.

Amen


Posts: 405 | Registered: Jun 2012
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds pretty familiar tootrusting. But like jjct said , will she listen? She has only been married 6 weeks! I'd say it's fairly unlikely this will be anywhere near the end with this guy for her. Just meaning...she's unlikley to drop a husband of 6 weeks. I think, there comes a point when we all reach our breaking point, and until you get to that point and you start to see the reality of the relationship.....you just can't MAKE anyone see it! If she has decided she wants him out, and he just won't leave (sounds like he wouldn't 'have' to leave the house anyways) there is always womens shelters....family. She could get a lawyer, but I can't see that helping her to get him out of his own house, kwim?
Sometimes, you just have to cut your losses and run. That's it. I wish the best for your sister though.


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, its the apartment she has lived in for 6 years.

Both vans were hers before they got married.

She did get the locks changed, and thank goodness she hadn't put him on the lease!
He still has her van. Still texting her nice scriptures pretending this is just a matter of her stopping her hissy fit.
Found out he has been going to the leaders of their congregation (he uses religion) since before they got married, telling them about her roving eye, and all sorts of other lies.

She can't go to a shelter. Her daughter is on a ventilator and needs nursing care.
Thankfully, my niece is an average 11 yr old other than ventilator, trach, walker and wheelchair. If she was bedridden this would be an even worse nightmare.

She is listening, and has held her ground more than I thought she might. She is starting to accept that in just 6 weeks she has changed her behavior to keep him from wigging out, and has displayed so many victim qualities.

I just wonder how far he will push this stuff. How well he can manipulate her and others into thinking he is just immature. Its so much worse than that.

I was married to a man with BOrderline personality disorder and so many things are frighteningly similar, but even the ass I was married to waited longer than 6 weeks!


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ttbw & sister))) She's actually doing pretty well, especially since she has a medically fragile child to consider. Those are HUGE steps to take, and I am glad that she's stepping away from the crazy train.

Her best course of action is to ignore him and let him keep sending his scripture readings. The devil will come out soon enough.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh he's out! Well that's good. Yes, NC. Stop caring what he's up to and just cut him out completely. good luck!


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy Cow, he waited a whole 6 weeks before he started his NPD and dropped his persona? Most wait longer so they are sure that we are too far in to make a quick get-away. I hope your sister sees him for who he really is and stays strong. She deserves a good man who will be there for her and her daughter.

I had to review the final decree today and it wasn't easy. I really thought that getting divorce would be so much easier and I wouldn't feel sad about it. Seeing the words that the "marriage is disolved" really gets too you. It doesn't help that I was going through my stuff today and found an anniversary card he gave me 1 month before he started with the MOW neighbor gutter slut. It was all lovey dovey and it just pissed me off, I was the longest relationship he had ever had and he screwed it up royally. I was the best thing he EVER had or will have and he couldn't keep his pants on and stay out of my underwear drawer. God the thought of those pictures still makes me sick.

Does anyone know how Cobra works? The decree says that he has to notify his insurance company that I plan to continue my "current" medical insurance and he is to pay the premiums until a policy can be issued in my name. Well the day after court he cancelled my health insurance without the final decree (which his HR should not have accepted) so I have no existing insurance to continue. Plus, I have no idea if it means that he has to pay the premiums until I get new insurance or just until the cobra policy is in my name...he has already stopped paying for me since he cancelled my insurance so I don't know what is going to happen and I have medical issues. He knew I needed that health insurance and it should have continued until we got the final decree signed. He is being such a jerk about the whole thing. In court, he acted like I was the one who cheated on him. These NPDs really are jerks when it comes to owning their own shit.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Learning who I am again!
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

&ust to let everyone know, I am ok. Our internet is out... Couldn't pay it. The monster broke my PO, went to jail, and goes to court Monday. He's accusing me of lots of crap now, on fb. It is interesting how far he is going. But anyway, I can't post much cuz using my phone is difficult. Just wanted to let ya know I am fine. My youngest wants to go NC now, too, btw. I will try to stay in touch as I can. Love my tribe! =)


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@soverybetrayed: what an asshole! I did a little digging because I work with some HIM professionals, and pretty much the law varies from state to state and employer to employer, HOWEVER, they did say that going to court at this point would have to be simultaneous with getting a policy, because the insurance company is not obligated to keep you on. Talk to HR at his company and see if you can get a copy of the order or a transcript from court and get them to reinstate the policy in the meantime.

@SoHurt: Glad to hear from you! Stay safe!

@hopefulmom: just (((hugs))) at this point, how much fun would your kids have had at the wedding, though? I can only imagine how uncomfortable that would have been for them, and knowing the NPD's that I have... I can't say that they would have made ANY attempts to make it better or less comfortable. It's probably a blessing in disguise.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tootrusting, I would scripture whip his ass so much for you, this lying thing that he does...please
just learn to content yourself quietly
and peace fully,
with a knowing
that all will be be well in the end.
justice will be served in that finally thing,
and it won't be handed out by your hand.
You're removed... remove yourself!...from his consequences.

The hand that hands out consequences is so much larger than ours. It created a universe I am so small.


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would marry this one, who feigns mirrors, who refudiates her outside, who travels inside for truth, the one who goes deep inside, for stillness, for loving silence

http://news.yahoo.com/meet-mirror-free-bride-woman-avoided-mirrors-one-175537122--abc-news-health.html

The one who lives inside herself. O
I would.


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mirrors were all over the house she decorated - that's why that girl "got me".

stbx's decorating style was horror vacui,
like "Steve's weird house":

You guys know what that was about, right?
Rigghhhht -
trying to fill the yawning, never-ending emptiness
inside
her!


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Using my phone for the internet SUCKS. I am so limited in what I can do! I can't access my PM's, my email... I am pretty hamstrung without internet. Anyway, I am ok, and going to the court facilitator with my youngest tomorrow, so he can have her change the parenting plan to no visitation. My son is really starting to blossom and is finding his backbone. I couldn't be prouder. Then, I may actually get to file! I want this part to be over with so we can really start moving forward. I have detached completely, and find that I don't want to talk about this nightmare nearly as much as I used to. I want to move ON. I am feeling so much better with every passing day, and looking for things to enjoy, now, instead of dwelling on could have and should have. They don't have a real place in my vocabulary anymore. I'm happier and so are my kids. :) My granddaughter still hasn't arrived, but she will be any day, now. So that's my update, and hopefully I can get the internet back on soon. Love to my Tribe!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sohurt))) How long until you can get back regular access?

In the meantime, I should have followed TIKY's advice on leaving my Borderline friend at the curb, but she finally kicked her boyfriend to the curb, so I was happy for that. After this weekend, however... I was hoping that the physical changes she made meant that she was fixing her shit, but, um... I think she's dry-drunk on relationships, AND I think she's lying to me about other relationships already, amidst promises to make things up to me and be a good friend, blah blah. It just makes me tired.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, V. It probably won't happen till the first of the month. I'm so tired of digging out of the mess he left us in. At this rate, I'll never have a vehicle. I have managed to get the electric bill down from $600 to normal, and the storage under $400. It's frustrating, and makes me angry, but I'm back in control, so at least it's getting done. And I DID get to file Tuesday, finally. So now the real battle will begin when he's served. He's not going to like what the parenting plan says. I don't give a rip. He did thid to himself, and lost not only his family, but several friends. Sucks to be him. Anyway, I'm sorry for your troubles, and am sending hugs back to you. Love to you all! Oh, and grandbaby isn't here, yet. Bummer.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a while since I've posted. @ the time I didn't know I was confused bc his behavior & nothing made sense. I was being given the silent treatment by a man who called me & our kids his world & treated us in that way. Well I recently was told by my therapist, based on his behavior he is a somatic narcissist. When I read up on it, I had an answer. So let me refresh & update. i was with my N for 8 yrs. after 3 yrs of dating( bc i have 2 children an needed to b very careful) we decided to move in together bc he had shown to b the knight and shining armor & dedicated father to my then 5 &7 yr old. since their biological father didnt want a relationship with them he became their father. so perfect he was. to me a perfect husband. after a year of living together he asked me to marry him in front of his family on xmas eve and asked my dad for my hand in marriage. all was great. a fairytale. He never had a temper, always soft tempered& was always there when the kids & i needed him, a great provider. we had spoken of also having a baby and decided on names. we started to plan the wedding,the only thing wrong was his mother did not like me bc i was divorced with children while he had none, so she felt he needed to find someone richer and more successful to meet her standards. he told her to accept it. anyway, 6 mths later i found phone calls & txt messages from a girl, i confronted he apologized said he would stop. so i thought maybe it was a 1x thing. then i found more red flags with the same issues a few times more, but from online chats and personal singles ads. i let it go again bc he said he was sorry & cried for forgiveness. so i forgave. 2 yrs. later i find out when he started his new job he started an affair with a married coworker. this time i wasnt gonna let it go like i always had. i got solid proof confronted him with it and he cried and said he wanted togoto counseling. after that failed bc i found out he was still involved i called her husband, his mistress told him about her husband finding out, and the devalueization began, the next day my xn went from wanting to work it out to cold distant and cruel. I asked him for a separation last year he left with a few things &said he loves me but didnt know what he wanted.so being desperate to save our family i begged him to goto counseling,after 5 months of no effort from him on ending or reconciling the relationship, he left with i love u but im still undecided. so i asked him to get all his things out of our home. that was 9months ago. he would only talk to our daughter but ignore me & my son. but in all this time he would give me money for bills. then the last conversation he said he was not with anyone and he was gonna start individual counseling to fix his issues so he could come home. he didnt ever call my daughter for her bday later that month. i cut all conact from us to him. he never was accountable for anything. he never apologized. he was like someone i didnt even recognize. this person in front of me resembled the man i fell in love with but wasnt him. he had no empathy for others, and now none for me. so in that time i decided to end the bs counseling when i found out i had cancer. i told him i needed him there & he just said "sorry to hear that but i cant im busy." wow.. i couldnt believe it. I wanted accountability, remorse, closure but was left on a string. while he never made attempts to communicate, but still provided for us financially. it was confusing. why show up to early weekend counseling just to make no effort & give nothing?so that was another thing to add to my pain. the loss of my life i had come to love, my relationship, the family we had built, then my health was in question, and having to also tell my children i was sick while they are grieving the loss of our family. it sux. so i began treatment on my own and have somehow in the last year in & out of a zombie like state have forced myself to pull my family together. then a month ago i found out he had lied to me about not being with anyone, turns out his new girlfriend, who he started dating almost ayear ago i found is 7 months pregnant. in this time bc of my cancer i found out i will have to get a hysterectomy & will no longer b able to have children. so im falling apart it seems but u wouldnt tell bc i dont talk about it. my kids need me to b strong, i need me to b strong, but it is hard. i am very angry @ him. I hate him. she is able to give him the life of a child while my ability will be taken away.so all the signs of a passive aggressive somatic narcissist fit him to a T. I never knew what ws going on with him. it wasnt until a counselor mentioned npd then i read it and i was happy bc i knew i wasnt crazy. i found where i could relate. it was also sad bc i found it was not anything that would ever change. it was in him. looking @ it all from 10 yrs. ago when we first met as friends i can see the patterns. he was the golden child for his family who is spoiled by them who gets what he wants given to him. but his mother is never happy with him bc she says he is wasting his life bc he didnt follow her plan to be a successful attorney.He wants her aproval but doesnt get it.the problem with him was he needed constant validation and attention. it was crazy. couldnt work anywhere or do anything without cheating.it has become a challenge for me to let go without closure. He Left saying i love u but im still undecided & im going to counseling in Feb. he never ended it. i feel stuck bc of it. then i feel like she is getting better from him. that maybe he will change for her. then i tell myself she is where i was long ago. soon she will uncover what i had. my self esteem is low. i am in my mid 30's and know i need to focus on my health first and formost as well as my children. but with starting treatment again and knowing i need to mourn the loss of bearing children opens up all that i need to mourn that was so recent of the life & person i loved soo much for so many years. it has been almost 8 months since no contact & i still struggle to move on, i feel stuck.realizing little by little i was the only one genuine in all of it

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