How absolutely terrifying that must have been for you and your children. I'm so glad you had the clarity of thought to just get out.
Please do as the others have advised you. He is a loose cannon. You don't want to have contact with him in any way. The more hidden you are, the better.
He does have visitation rights to see the boys.
Nope. Not if they're not his children. The baby is another story, but you will talk to a woman's shelter, the police and/or an attorney (or all of the above) and find out how to proceed with that.
In the meantime, stay hidden, don't engage his crazy ass, and get legal advice.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
2 Kids...3 and 6
H 41...HW 39 living together...
I'm taking it one day at a time.
All of the advice and info on this site have been a god send. Thank you everyone. I will post updates as they come.
@healthyself: I guess I am not understanding the question. If you're divorced, and you have sole custody, then no, you don't have to talk it out. You can't reason with an NPD, anyway; they are better and smarter than you, so no matter what you say, it will fall on deaf ears. You talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are. In my state, whoever moves a significant distance from the kids has to bear the costs of transporting them. Your husband moved; he should at a minimum have to pay for them to get back and forth in some states.
This is where I belong.
Don't even know where to start.
I've been reading several of these threads for hours to remind myself that last night when we were talking to each other like normal people-something that only happens a few times a year-he is likely just digging for dirt.
I've read so many stories that could be mine.
I can't get out.
I can't. I'm wrecked.
I have a migraine. My eyes hurt and I'm nauseous.
Remember that song by the Rolling Stones?
"She hurt my eyes open-that's no lie!"
I tried to get out. I got suckered back in. He said he would change.
He did until the last of our things was unpacked.
I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.
Meanwhile he still goes to gym, has taking up smoking cigars. Oh I already know that he must be hanging out with people who do that. He changes hats just to fit in.
I am beyond frustrated, I am beyond mad, I am beyond knowing he is the biggest douche, I can't divorce him, I can't move forward, and right now he can do, go, say whatever he likes while I have to remain the reliable, loyal parent.
Can you hear me screaming?
I hear you.
This is a very good read. Hope it helps.
Not a lot of tips but lets you know NPD is real.
HUGS to my tribe..
[This message edited by 2_4giving4_2long at 6:43 AM, September 12th (Wednesday)]
I hear you on them not playing by the rules, only my little monster is very gainfully employed.
He won't pay the proper amount of child support yet he lives like a king expensive sporting events, concerts, yet he couldn't even send his son a card from the dollar store for his birthday, 3 weeks after sons birthday sends him message about the concert he is at and how it reminds him of son son was in hospital in January, asshat knew yet never sent son a message to see how he was no happy birthday
He ruined the house we live in by doing structural damage, that is going to be expensive to fix, he whines that I blame him for us not being able to sell the house all I can say is I begged you not to do it you were the one that took the saw to the house we'll be lucky to get what we paid for it 18 years ago I offered to give it back to him free and clear he wouldn't take it, even before he really understood what he had done
He is such a dumbass, he has known of the divorce for over a year yet still has not provided all his paperwork doesn't show up for court he hasn't even made the contact to have the pension divided he was ordered to do this months ago he forced me to apply for disability I qualified, it's a dollar for dollar, child support is way more than they would give of mom of 2, so he gives me just over what they would give because as soon as I have to apply for government money, they are on his ass
God give me the patience to get threw this divorce I knew it was going to be high conflict because everything has always been his my original asking was for the proper amount of child support, it's a government guide line and the papers that say I'm divorced the only saving grace is that asshat lives so far away from a 21 year relationship the only thing I'm taking is clothes, and gifts received from my family he knows this and he is still fighting
I walked into this in 2006, thinking we could do it just between us we had many attempts at reconciliation only 1 of us grew as a person the other one is a runner and a very angry little monster he's the one that threatened divorce for years, decided to take him up on it I just finally had to bring in the lawyers
I can't wait till the day I scream FREEDOM
My parents are now offering help with a lawyer. My question is, what kind of lawyer would you go with? I'm looking for experience, but male/female, age, good listener? what else?
I'm just concerned about gender because every female MC we went to seemed drawn in by him. One male MC was a little too passive and just let him spout off at me the whole session, but another male MC really let him have "a dose of reality."
Sorry if I'm going on. Trying to type fast with one finger before my work break is over. :-p
My little monster has become my nightmare to get rid of always coming up with another hoop for me to jump threw just to get one step closer to the end yet he does none of the things that the courts said he needed to do
My lawyer says they always threaten mine has threatened to quite his job move back into the marital home with the kids and I yet he never has followed threw on anything
Well, I'm filed, he's served, and the fireworks should start soon. My dear DIL did the serving, which pleased her immensely. Guess he was glad to see her... at first. Not so much after. File the proof of service tomorrow, and here we go. It's gonna be a battle, but one I'm prepared for. We face off in court the first time on the 21st, for temporary child support. Then he goes to 2 prelim hearings for breaking the protection order on the 27th and some other hearing next month. I was worried they wouldn't charge him, but they decided to. Lots of court coming up.
On the better side, my youngest is ready for school, and has orientation on Monday. We meet with the principal first, then go through the first day of orientation together - there are 5 days total. That's another issue down and out of the monster's reach. Since we're in limbo as far as parenting plans go, the school is just going to have to go with mine for now... NO contact. Period.
Things are finally coming around, and I'm feeling more like a human in contact with other humans. Finally.
Thank you for listening.
How many of your N's "developed" a major, deadly disease when you split up with them? Such as cancer, for instance. I'm not talking about genuine illness, but rather how many used the "I'm so sick!" card to manipulate you or your kids?
Yes, you guessed it. The monster was served with his papers on Thursday, and magically "found out" Friday that he has cancer, and is having surgery on Wednesday to remove two feet of intestines. Interestingly, this happens when in the papers he was served, he found out we are due for a hearing this Friday - which he won't be able to attend, as he'll be in the hospital, and remember how hard he tried to get the PO hearing delayed over and over - to set temporary CS in an amount he would find horribly unfair. Oh, and just a week later, he is due in court for his first hearings regarding breaking the protection order.
I don't believe in coincidence, but I very certainly believe in the manipulative power of the NPD. Even my youngest, the 15 year old, finds this a bit too convenient. He's not buying it.
Also somewhat coincidentally, the person who came to tell us is the monster's niece, who has been angry at him for some time now, for being so much like her own mom, the monster's sister. Predictably, there was a plea for my son to call or visit the monster, to "raise his spirits."
So... my next question is this: If I call the hospital Wednesday to ask about his "surgery," and am told I cannot be informed, doesn't that tell me he's lying? Doesn't that prove he is manipulating my son?
Or am I off the mark because I'm not buying this whole thing?
We all acted appropriately "sad" about the situation, but none of us believes it. So you know that when my son does not call, because he told me he does NOT care, the family is going to think I am rotten and scheming and whatever else.
I just said to myself earlier today, "I wish you'd just LEAVE US ALONE!" while looking at something that reminded me of him. So what do you all think? Am I being a bitch, or am I right?
[This message edited by SoHurt at 11:54 PM, September 17th (Monday)]
@sohurt: I don't know if you're right or wrong (what's his family history like), but mine thought he might have breast cancer early on in the divorce process . He did have a family history; he did not have breast cancer. So while I can't say whether yours miraculously developed cancer or not, it's ultimately up to the kid whether he wants to talk to his father. You're not being a bitch... nor are you remotely wrong for suspecting something hinky.
Lots of new tribe members...
welcome and hang on for a long and bumpy ride of detangling from an N.
I have an interesting observation.
Two years of solid NC, I mean serious email only and I took every syllable as ego kibble and was very very stingy with communication with Stretch. I starved him of supply because it was the only measure of control I had. The benefit to me was clear as I was able to detach and not get sucked into the drama too terribly often...
My observation now is that as I am firmly detached and the schmoopie love with OW is flawed since my kids claim that Stretch and OW fight "all the time" Stretch is sniffing around for attention from me. How? By being "helpful" and "friendly." My NC led him to treat me as invisible which works for me.
NOW I am getting messages on the answering machine left for me. He says my name and follows up with "helpful" information. In the past he would have left the message for the boys with a condescending tone of "of course your mom doesn't know this" implied in his message. Now, it is a message for me and it is apologetic that he didn't make sure I had the necessary information...
I think this also is related to the fact that I am dating. I have a SO and while the kids are protective and scared? of their dad finding this out, I have to believe Stretch suspects I am in a relationship.
I imagine this is a case of now that someone else wants me, HE sees me in a new desirable light????
any words of wisdom on what to do moving forward? My plan is to remain under the radar and low key. NO CHANGES on how I interact or expect for him to behave. If I pretend to be invisible will he go back to treating me that way?
Mine wanted me to feel bad cause his knees and back hurt. They want us to feel bad for them. Poor poor them. No problem cheating, lying, and destroying our lives, but when it comes to them we are supposed to feel bad.
Do you really think he would be there for you if you had cancer? Maybe if it fed his need to look like a wonderful person and feed the beast within.
Everything he does is for him. The role of parent, the spouse, the child, the employee, every role.
Be strong and take care of yourself and move forward slowly and heal properly.
The quicker we understand how they operate, the quicker we detach.
Thank you for reminding me I don't have to follow up, mind his business or believe anything he says. I kind of knew all that, but it's good to hear it from others. My sons want nothing to do with him, and the fact that they are ALL saying they don't care says more to me than anything else - they really don't care. They've been hurt, and they hate him. That's not my fault or my problem. It's the monster's.
So I'm just going to go to court and win by default, unless he has the foresight to get some kind of "proof" to them to delay the hearing. But I'm not believing it until I see it in writing from a doctor. And I'm not forcing my son to call him. That, I simply won't do. I haven't forced him to do anything with him from the beginning, and I'm not starting now.
As for family history, he did have a half brother die of a rare blood cancer, (the one that was the excuse for his "grief gambling,") and another half brother who had skin cancer that didn't die. Other than that, nothing.
And no, I do NOT believe he would be there for me if I had cancer. Not in a million years, unless, as you say, he found some supply from it.
I figured I knew the answers... I just wanted a bit of backup. Thanks, Tribe.