It's going to take me a minute to get through all of that, but I'll be back with a dissection of this.
In his 'proof' Is his name and birth date listed on each page?
ETA: I can't make heads or tails out of it! Which kidney is 'allegedly' involved? Also, do you have the biopsy results, yet?
[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 6:11 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)]
[When I called to confirm the hearing, (a requirement they have,) he hadn't called in. So if he doesn't appear physically, the judge told him to "appear" by phone. There was no maybe, it was an order. So if he doesn't do either, it's a gimmee.]
So with surgery going on today, if it is, it's possible he won't be in court. If he's not, I won't have any more results until some future court date, and who knows when that will be?
I'm getting no information other than what's on his FB page at this point, because people are angry with me. So I'm in the dark, as usual. I'd be tempted to call the hospital he's getting this done at, and confirm it, but they have pretty stringent security, and I wouldn't be able to find out a darn thing.
[This message edited by SoHurt at 8:38 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]
I'm just wondering if they got the cancer right?? I'm not a doctor, I'll say that first. I just have waaaaay too much experience in dealing with cancer in family members.
I'm thinking if the mass in on the left kidney, masses on the liver and cecum- that points to something like pancreatic cancer, stage 4.
If the mass is on the RIGHT kidney, then I think it's something else.
Regardless, they are opening up a stage 4 cancer patient. I don't always agree with the treatment, we'll just say that...
A lot of people don't make it out of the OR with surgery like that. If he DOES, he's STILL stage 4 digestive cancer and post-surgery, to boot. There's no way he'll be able to take care of your son. He won't even be able to take care of himself.
On an interesting side-note, I checked the court website, and he's actually hired a lawyer for this Friday's hearing. So now he doesn't have to show up OR call in. And I'm going to be facing some lady who's heard his horror stories about what a bad mom I am.
I'm not worried about that, either. Especially when you consider he "had" a lawyer for the PO hearings who was too busy to show up, therefore the continuances he kept asking for; the finding of indigency so he got a court-appointed atty for the criminal case of breaking the PO; and now, magically, he's not indigent when it comes to defending his need NOT to pay CS...
Yeah, I'm thinking this will be interesting. We'll see.
I guess we just need to see what just happened with his surgery and what his actual cancer and prognosis really is. I believe he has cancer, after looking at all of that stuff- especially if you say it has his name on it- every page- that's how it's supposed to be. And, as you well know, there's NO TELLING how he'll handle it.
As for the lawyer, that was explained in another letter. It was from the prosecutor's office saying that they are going to collect any child support because we are on "welfare" right now. So there is no lawyer - the website does not explain these things at all.
All this means is that I don't have to face anyone in court tomorrow, because he's in the hospital, and the whole child support hearing is pointless. But at least I don't have to deal with seeing him in court. That's a bonus.
So I will waste time and energy going to court, but in the end, we are getting divorced, and that's enough. My son is writing a declaration with the dv legal advocate on Tuesday, and we're seeing his IC on Thursday for her recommendation letter. Good enough for me.
Just something to think about. I remember gma was waiting for her xh to pass, but the turd never did. Maybe your lawyer would be able to advise you on that?
Also, since your NPD seems to actually be quite sick, I think you should probably encourage your son to see him. That kind of regret could haunt him for the rest of his life.
Hugs to you. This whole situation must be so hard for you. I can only imagine the emotions that are swirling through your mind.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Well, I have good news to report. The monster did not show up, and did not appear by telephone, as ordered. The commissioner, (not a judge, as I have been calling him,) was very nice again. He wanted to handle my parenting plan, not just the temporary CS, so he sent me up to the court facilitator to fill out the missing form to go with it, asked for my parenting plan, and then approved the PP and the CS. He also asked about my son not wanting to see the monster, and I said that hadn't changed, so he said he may revisit the PO at some further date and make modifications, because my son wasn't on it. (The PP should have been filed along with the PO petition, but nobody told me that, so he had to take my son off of it.)
So I got a win, sour as it is, with things as they are. It doesn't leave a good feeling behind, because of the cancer stuff.
Wounded, at this point, there is no life insurance, and he ruined all chances of any Social Security support by quitting work more than 10 years ago. There would be no point in waiting to be widowed, financially or otherwise, as there are no assets to gain. And as much as I hate to say it, gma's experience was enough to show me that it's always possible he could hang around for several more years, making things rough if I don't go through with this.
He made his bed, and as harsh and unforgiving as it sounds, he can lay in it and feel sorry for himself. He's got lots of people helping him along that path, so they can take it from here.
As for my son, I have encouraged him to stay in contact, but he's very hurt and angry, and refuses. He told me flat out that he would refuse to obey the court if he was ordered to have contact at all. We are going to see his IC next week, so this will all come out. She hasn't heard about the cancer, so she'll help encourage him to at least call. I don't want my son to have regrets, either; I want him to have healing and closure.
I understand how you feel about not feeling sorry for him. At this point, it would be unhealthy for you to feel sorry for him, even though he has cancer.
As far as your son is concerned, that's a tough one. I wouldn't try to force contact if no contact is what he wants. NC is the healthiest way to go with an NPD. As far as closure, he'll never get it from his dad. I just don't see that happening.
As far as closure, he'll never get it from his dad. I just don't see that happening.
TIKY, this is the rub. If he stays NC, he may regret it. If he calls, even once, it may hurt him further. My N is a very, very angry man, who would not hesitate to spew all over my son, saying horrible things about me. If he really IS dying, he's not going to care that he's breaking the PO by talking about me to him. He just won't.
I think I'm going to let the IC help figure this one out. I explained to my son that he needs to get busy talking to her about how he really feels about his dad, and what's happening. It's the only way to cope with all this, IMO. I just don't know how to handle this.
This situation is so much more than I bargained for. I'm all at the same time.
I can't imagine what this must be like for you.
How old is your son? He seems to really have it together when it comes to his dad.
Oh, I KNOW his dad would do his best to twist the poor guy's head around! That's what NPDs do.
When someone gets sick with something like cancer, especially a stage 4, I usually advise them to leave nothing unsaid. I just don't think that works when you're dealing with someone with NPD. So, your son is going to have regrets whether he talks to his dad now or not.
If he DOES decide to talk to his dad, it needs to be high;y supervised- like with the IC on Skype or something. If he doesn't, I hope that he can work with his IC on understanding the nature of NPD so that he doesn't have too many regrets.
[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 5:29 PM, October 5th (Friday)]
I'm glad things went well for you in court. Yay!
You are sounding like you are coming from such a strong place right now. You go, girl!!
If there is nothing to be gained from delaying things, then moving forward with the D is probably the healthiest thing for you. Breaking free of the NPD is what is important to your mental health.
I'm so glad your son is in IC. I hope she will help him work through all of this. TIKY's suggestion about the supervised Skype call is a good one. Maybe the IC would be on board with that idea if your son was willing.
My son is 15, and very bright and perceptive. He has never faltered in his ability to see what's really going on, and is amazingly solid in his own skin. He is, in many ways, stronger than I am. I have been grateful every day for him, in one way or another. He actually supports me, and encourages me. He's priceless, and so worth this struggle.
This morning, I agree that it's probably wiser to maintain NC, and have him do some letter writing instead, the kind you don't send. But again, I'm going to have his IC help with that decision. I know I'm not in a place to help him like he needs in this situation. I like the idea of a supervised call, like with his IC there to monitor. She'd certainly get a good idea of who he is. Of course, it all depends on whether my son is willing to go there.
Wounded, I feel strong some days and flimsy as silk others. I'm definitely stronger than I've ever been, and clearer in my mind about everything. This has been such a difficult process, I've wanted to give up more times than not. But I know I have to keep going. This isn't just about me; my son needs a chance to live his own life, and not be controlled and manipulated the way he has been all his life. I can change that for him, like you all did for me.
This (((((Tribe))))) has been my saving grace through the whole thing. If I'd never come here, I would not be where I am, but still wallowing in pain, trying to make it work. Thinking I am doing it wrong, and never knowing it was all a game to keep me in this marriage.
Thanks for the hugs, and all the support.
PS... Interesting side note: I realized last night that, although I was there just for temp CS, that man in the robe deliberately pushed me to get my PP in order so he could sign it. If I'd had any doubts left that he was seeing my N clearly, they'd have been wiped out by that. He knows what's going on.
We spend so much time putting the NPD first that we lose who we are. I was a strong determined person before I married my xNPD. I am finally discovering my backbone and deciding that it is MY time. I am making ME a priority in MY life. I have spent 32 years putting others first because my mom was NPD and I was groomed to be subsurvient. NO MORE. 2012 will be the year of ME.
I have been delayed in my trip to my new beginning but I will continue on my path of growing and becoming stronger. It is time for you to make yourself a priority in your life. You now see the NPD for who he is so do not give up. I know it is soul sucking to deal with them and they jerk you back and forth but it is better to be without them sucking the life and soul out of you. As time moves on you will find yourself getting stronger and more determined to make a better life for you and your family. Your son needs you to continue this fight and so you will. Your love for your kids is amazing.
You have grown and gotten stronger since you first posted here and I love seeing you laugh at his antics. You know his drama and you simply shake your head now at what would have sent you running for a fix before. Rock on Sister because you can and will survive this NPD mess and find yourself on the other side. You will have times of wanting to give up even after the divorce but turn to us and we will help you. You truly are one of the Tribe and you are a SURVIVOR OF NPDness.
Your son is amazingly balanced, especially for a kid who grew up with NPD in the house! I think he's old enough to know what he wants in terms of communication with his dad and would resent having to have one more abusive conversation for the sake of closure. He may have already reached the point of closure with his dad.
My mom is 'mildly' NPD (if there's such a thing) and Hs mom is VERY NPD. The NPD wasn't as obvious in his mom until his dad died. I used to be very enmeshed with my family- we ran a business together. Whenever I had to be alone with my mom, I would be a mess and it would take waywardson a week to help pull me up. Things started going the same way with his mom. Fortunately for him, *I* had already gone through a lot with my mom and was able to identify what was going on and how to handle it. We have a plan before contact- we talk about things that can and cannot be discussed, we brush up on where our boundaries are, and we ALWAYS have a pre-planned quick way to get off of the phone.
I'm glad the judge recognized what's going on. NPDs often work the crap out of the legal system, further abusing their victims.
As I read that night about someone else dealing with emotions from their antiversary I realized something and I hope it helps others. I am changing, I am rediscovering myself but I am still putting others before me. For 32 years I have put everyone else in my life first and never made myself a priority. I have been used by family and xwh but no more. I am done giving until it hurts, I am done letting others take from me. I am done being a fracken doormat and I have found my voice. As I realized this I also realized that while I am getting stronger my xwhnpd is always going to repeat this cycle. No matter where he goes, there he is. I keep repeating that saying to myself because it reminds me that all he does is put lipstick on the npd pig but it is still an npd pig. He will never face his brokeness and get help so he is destined to continue to repeat the same crap over and over. He has done this to three wives and he will do it to anyone else he gets with and he is getting worse in his abuse.
So Tribe, on your darkest days of hurt and loneliness just remember that the NPD may have on a new shade of lipstick but it is still the same NPD PIG.
[This message edited by soverybetrayed at 2:35 PM, October 6th (Saturday)]
Hugs to you both. You're both doing great.
Things just get stranger and stranger... or maybe not.
The friend of mine I was accused of having an affair with just got a huge barrage of texts from the monster's brother. As you can guess, they weren't very nice.
He was accused of setting the monster up to be arrested, as well as spewing a large number of lies about me. It was making me angry at first, then I realized that he's just making himself look worse by doing this.
The final message my friend got was from the monster himself, (friend's name begins with the same letter as the brother, putting them next to each other on the dialing list,) saying his meds had made him doze off.
So apparently, the monster was feeding this stuff straight to his drunken brother, who was then firing it off at my friend. More good ammunition for later, if necessary. (All of them were forwarded to me.)
I really doubt this will make him look better to the commissioner when next we arrive in court.
Oh, and it comes BEFORE the monster learns what his absence on Friday means. So imagine how strongly he's going to step it up once he finds out?
One final thought... did you know that when men and women divorce, men are supposed to keep their men friends, regardless of what's happened? Yeah, side with me, even though I've accused you of breaking up my marriage and stealing my possessions.
I feel like a punching bag. I feel like my four years with him were all lies. While he was telling me how happy he was we were together, he was telling other women he was single and bored and unhappy with his life. He doesn't want to break up. He wants to go to counseling but I know he has lied there too. Does this sound like NPD to you? And is NPD really as hopeless as it sounds? I know it is stupid but I love him. My heart wants there to be hope and a chance for us even as my head says RUN AWAY and never look back.