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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 25th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Edie))))) I'm glad they're just echoes. It's just so unfair we have to go through this stuff.

I should (hopefully!) be two hearings from finished with this mess.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Hurtbythem1
♀ New Member
Member # 36601
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 25th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading this forum for awhile now and it just seems so depressing. My husband has just been told he has NPD and is in counseling. I have had 4 D-day in the past 4 years. (all with the same AP)
He says he will control these impulses and that he truly loves me and wants to stay married. The question I have is this. Has any one on this forum been successful with staying in their marriage? Or should I take the advise of most and run, run run...


hurtbythem

Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: NJ
hemademesingle
♀ Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtbythem1, sorry that you are having to deal with an NPD, my understanding is that a very low percentage of NPD's ever get help

It is a lot of work, I'm sure that some have done really well but I have not heard of any personally

My experience is that life is better not living with an NPD, no more walking on egg shells


Posts: 361 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Court was 2 days because of other hearings. Didn't go well, could have been worse. This is the text he sent me before court..

Its was not possible to talk to someone that wants to fry you. I loved you in spite of yourself. You had the power to put this family back together. Forgiveness is the way. I will always love you in spite of your need for revenge at any price. The older two and I just wanted you to give me a real chance. Real Christ like forgiveness is the answer.
........................

Then today before we went in my lawyer told me he still wanted to be with me.

Then he outright lied on the stand, lied about me, just a piece of shit that I am so glad to be broke for. But I actually have more money now that he doesn't have access to it.

Broken is just broken, you can glue it, you can use duct tape, but its still broken.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 27th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to read that Wont. Reads like he even believes his own sanctimony and victim hood. How deeply frustrating and crazy-making. Try to keep detached.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeez, Wont. It sounds just like something mine has said and will continue to say. Self-righteous to the core, and always right.

I'm just glad that one is over for you. (((((Wont)))))


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I loved you in spite of yourself. You had the power to put this family back together. Forgiveness is the way. I will always love you in spite of your need for revenge at any price.

Wow. I didn't realize there was a handbook for this stuff. Mine could have written that word for word. And then gone on to lie, just like you said.

I'm divorced now, but, as I suspectd, he's not leaving me alone. We have one minor child who's at home with me still, but he's almost an adult. I'm trying to keep the contact to a bare minimum, but he keeps writing, texting, calling and emailing me. How do you get them to leave you alone, if you have a minor child?


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtbythem1....I just wanted to chime in and give you a big hug. Dealing with NPD is a nightmare.

Please read everything you can on the disorder, and then make your decision based on what is best for YOU and the kids. NPD is pretty much considered to be incurable because it is a personality disorder NOT a mental illness. There are no meds that can help, nor do NPD's usually stay in IC for very long for the simple reason that they really don't see anything wrong about themselves.

Oh sure, when they're good and busted, they'll give lip service to the whole idea to placate you and keep you hooked in to the whole mess. But, once they think the dust has settled they go right back to who they really are.

They can be quite disarming, fake remorse like a pro, cry big crocodile tears when needed for effect, and then go right back out and do it again without a bit of regret.

Why? Because they have brains that are wired completely differently. They can act normally when it's necessary to protect their NPD supply (that would be you) and keep that victim from fleeing.

My guess is that the 4 DDays you've gone through is the tip of the iceberg at this late date. Only my 2 cents...but I lived with NPD, and they only change long enough to reel you back in.

Run.

[This message edited by exhausted lady at 10:17 PM, November 1st (Thursday)]


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201102/help-im-divorcing-narcissist

Good read. I was made to look like the bad guy in court because I was on the defensive for 25 months. He was out for revenge because I refused to take him back.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can anyone further out than me on the npd front offer any encouragement about recovery rates? i feel so burnt out, as if my vital organs had been sucked dry ...

i'm about 5 months from final exit, and seem to on such a roller coaster. am i expecting too much of myself at this point, and should i allow myself more slack for major trauma and psychic injury (over 25 years)?

how long does it take? i thank my lucky stars every day that i have escaped, and yet i don't truly feel i have...yet.

any advice appreciated.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its was not possible to talk to someone that wants to fry you. I loved you in spite of yourself. You had the power to put this family back together. Forgiveness is the way. I will always love you in spite of your need for revenge at any price. The older two and I just wanted you to give me a real chance. Real Christ like forgiveness is the answer.
........................

Mine pulled the exact same crap with me during our L when I was hoping IC and MC might save our M. He kept going on & on about how Christ had forgiven him, so therefore so should I. How my faith & Christianity were lacking and possibly damning because I wasn't willing to completey, 100% rugsweep and pretend nothing had ever happened (because that's the only way to prove forgiveness, I guess, is to prevent any and all consequences and not work through any personal growth issues).

Yep, this D is my fault. My hardhearteness, my coldheartedness, my unforgiveness. Poor STBX is the eternal victim. He's MY victim. I've done this to him. I've ruined his life and the lives of our children.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edie,

I'm not sure about recovery rates for NPD survivors. I don't think we can truly recover while we still have contact with these assclowns because of the children. Continued contact and dealing with the continued NPD shit stains that they leave on our children keeps us linked to them and their toxicity.

I was doing pretty well, then because of current circumstances with my children, I was forced into contact with the Assclown again. Much too much contact. It is having terrible effects on me. I am going back into IC.

I think maybe what we all deal with is more like PTSD. I think that is something I will explore with my new therapist.

I wish you healing and peace. Are you in IC? Do you maintain NC as much as possible? Also, look back at the bad times and realize how far you've come- how much more peaceful your life is without the NPD in it. I put in about 25 years with my NPD as well. They say it takes 1 year for each 4 years of marriage to heal from a divorce. It would have to take longer to heal from an NPD.

Biggest hugs. Be kind to yourself.

eta: numbers wrong on the number of years to heal from divorce.

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 3:19 PM, November 4th (Sunday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you see the Dr. Phil episode that was on last week about Narcisstic Personalities?

He had a narcisstic woman on who was involved in a relationship with a man and the man was ready to leave her. Dr. Phil turned to the man and told him that one of his sayings is: "if you have to give up all of who you are to be a half of a relationship, then that's a bad deal". He then went on to tell the man: If you have to give up your thoughts, opinions, feelings and identity for the relationship....then the price is too high.

Then Dr. Phil turned to the woman and asked if she agreed and she just sat there. So he jumped in and said "of course you don't, you just want me to shut up, don't you? You just want to get this man back home and tell him that you *know* that's what I said but let's just forget all of that because it's all about me."

It was pretty stunning to watch and really reminded me of how my stbx discounts and de-values and rants about people that say the same things to me that Dr. Phil told that guy. Stbx doesn't want me to *find myself*, because then life wouldn't be able to be all.about.him.

Dr. Phil also had a girl on the show that took offense to how she was portrayed and accused his people of creative editing to make *good* TV. Ummm, yea....Phil got pretty pissed about that.

The NPD is pretty darn good at making themselves *look bad* all on their own. No creative editing needed, right?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7247 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edie - I'd say 3-5 years.

Depends on the degree of abuse and length of marriage

My mom was M 25 years to a malevolent NPD and was able to cut off all contact having gotten sole custody w/ no visitation. It was a good 3 or 4 years for her to really let go of that past.


I, in turn, also married an NPD (not malevolent so not as abusive), so a year after D I'm feeling I have let go of most of it (give me one more year and I will have). I still have contact since we have shared custody.


Posts: 410 | Registered: Jun 2012
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, November 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losing yourself to make the npd happy.

He didnt want me to go back to work, find a career because I would become involved in it and wouldn't leave when he got ready to retire. How selfish!

He hated that I loved my jobs, my bosses were wonderful and I enjoyed what I did.

We moved states for his job, i was pregnant, so i became a SAHM, no friends, and when i did make friends again, out to the country we went. Although I didn't realise it when it was happening, I was being isolated. Any friends I made, he criticized, it had to be about him. His work, boss didn't like him, he critized coworkers, church friends, anything to make him a victim.

I am 15 months S, now D. His actions are still about him, his money and things are about him, I am ticked about that, but I am at peace about not being married.

I push forward because I have to.

He wanted me back because I was a possession, a thing that made him look like a great husband,had his family so he looked like a good dad, our S/D changed that. I was a means to an end, which is the saddest thing about our marriage, I was just window dressing in the life he wanted people to see.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, November 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealing with NPD is a nightmare.

Please read everything you can on the disorder, and then make your decision based on what is best for YOU and the kids. NPD is pretty much considered to be incurable because it is a personality disorder NOT a mental illness. There are no meds that can help, nor do NPD's usually stay in IC for very long for the simple reason that they really don't see anything wrong about themselves.

Oh sure, when they're good and busted, they'll give lip service to the whole idea to placate you and keep you hooked in to the whole mess. But, once they think the dust has settled they go right back to who they really are.

They can be quite disarming, fake remorse like a pro, cry big crocodile tears when needed for effect, and then go right back out and do it again without a bit of regret.

Why? Because they have brains that are wired completely differently. They can act normally when it's necessary to protect their NPD supply (that would be you) and keep that victim from fleeing.

This should be included in every beginning thread. Along with

I was just window dressing in the life he wanted people to see.

I am happy and sad at the same time. Fuck you PTSD! And the NPD you rode in on!
Happy, that we few here get that. Sad, because...dam dam dammit! Can't even THINK of a reason to be sad for your far away... from your sorry assnes...I guess I'm sad because I didn't meet any of you, first.
You woulda warned me,
still,
I'm free.
So the sadness aint too bad...can't marry everyone afterall (((Tribe)))


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Wounded and Phoenix.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
I see some of my SI "friends" here. My STBX has NPD - and he's a sex addict. He's been living with OW for 14 months, and now I think she's kicked him out.

He wrote me a long, long, childlike, manipulative email today, asking me if he could come home - and live in our basement! (I posted it in its entirety on the general S&D thread.)

His financial situation is NOT good. He has pushed away his friends in the past 18 months. He might literally have no where to go.

Yet he is coming here to visit the children on Saturday. Should I be worried that he will show up with suitcases? Make a terrible scene in front of the kids?

And why do I think this could be the time he actually hurts me or them?

I would think I'm overreacting, but my family brought it up. They are worried sick.

I thought I would check in with the NPD experts here. Do you think that any of these are real possibilities? Thank you so much.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to invite a friend or two to come over & keep you company on Saturday. Hopefully someone has a concealed carry permit. I only say that because you have multiple people with gut reactions.

((((HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, November 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope, yes I would be worried that he would use the kids to garner sympathy and get you to let him move back. Is there anyway you can arrange for him to meet them at someplace with lots of people? Or at least have some of your friends over that will be able to protect you and the kids?

If he is NPD and is desperate then he is capable of many things. Has he ever had rages before? Has he been verbally or physically abusive before? If yes to any of those then do not meet with him alone and do not let him move home as you will never get rid of him again.

He must have someplace he can go and it is not your responsibility to take care of him. Remember...HE FIRED YOU FROM THAT JOB!!

Please be careful.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
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