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20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

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IDeserveMore posted 10/2/2013 22:36 PM

This is such a wonderful post. I hope it gets bumped often. So many could use it.

It make me sad I didn't find this or a site like this sooner. I only found out about these sites a few years ago.

My second DDay was 9 years ago. But I put up with TT and withholding for 5 years and so much damage has been done that for the rest of my life I will wish I had married someone else. So sad, like my user name - I deserve more

[This message edited by IDeserveMore at 10:37 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

hard_yards posted 10/11/2013 15:43 PM


Blackhair posted 10/12/2013 03:55 AM

Great post!

hard_yards posted 10/14/2013 21:04 PM


Stronger4it posted 10/16/2013 07:44 AM


IndianDreams posted 10/16/2013 12:32 PM

what is 'TT' please? I see it often but it's not in the abbreviations list

Also, would it not be an idea to 'pin' this post or include the list in the library so members don't go dizzy bumping it

Truly posted 10/17/2013 16:13 PM

TT means Trickle Truth...when the truth trickles out over a period of days, weeks, months and ,let's face it, years.

Wanted to bumpety bump this awesome thread for some new newbies.

Take care out there x

katherine41 posted 11/12/2013 22:38 PM


ICECOLD posted 11/23/2013 21:59 PM


ThoughtIKnewYa posted 12/2/2013 17:59 PM


Jesss posted 12/3/2013 19:12 PM

THANK YOU for this. I feel like number 5 is truly what I needed to read, and will help me stay strong and know when my WH is truly remorseful.

Skan posted 12/5/2013 11:29 AM


hard_yards posted 12/10/2013 16:26 PM


katherine41 posted 12/27/2013 12:49 PM


katherine41 posted 1/2/2014 22:41 PM

The 180 in a non-infidelity context (at least that the author knows):

Twitchy posted 1/16/2014 14:16 PM


BrooklynLove posted 1/16/2014 21:30 PM

I wish I had done this on my DDay 11/23/12. I ended up pregnant during HB and now have a 2 month old. Plus tonight while he was in the shower I tried the pass code that he gave me for his iPhone and it's not working. I can't even confront right now with no evidence. Sad, sad, and sad.

RealityStinks posted 1/30/2014 10:14 AM


still confounded posted 2/10/2014 09:35 AM

I'm a long way past D-day, and it took a long time to finally recover from the trauma of betrayal/infidelity
And I still find that this 20/20 list is excellent advice for dealing with the chaos that follows D-day.

So bumping for just-found-out newcomers to SI.

alifeforesaken posted 2/10/2014 09:39 AM

I don't believe I have ever seen this thread. I wish I had. I think there is some great advice in there that I am just now starting to realize, accept and implement. I'm not that far out so I'm hoping it's not too late for some of it.

still confounded posted 2/10/2014 09:57 AM

I know it's hard for JFO folks to believe that a foggy, unremorseful, gaslighting WS is so unlikely to straighten up and fly right.
But it seems to me that someone in the midst of a passionate affair (and aren't they all "passionate"?) is exactly in the same altered state of reality as someone with a crack cocaine habit.** The ecstatic moments of "stolen bliss" (I know, I know: sick-making lunacy) are such a great escape from regular life, with all its mundane elements: bills, dishes, oil changes, visits to in-laws, crying kids, crazy neighbors, bad boss, etc., etc., etc.
But time and time again I've read horrible stories of a WS going along to therapy (couples and/or individual), going on special getaway trips with the spouse, seemingly ON BOARD and committed to the marriage/relationship, only to have the BS find out that the contact with the AP never stopped, that the affair has continued on the sly So this 20/20 Hindsight list is brilliant. And really if your WS really wants to reconcile, he/she will do everything they can to make that happen.
** Maybe there should be 30-day rehab centers to help people break their "affair" habit!

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