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20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

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still confounded posted 2/10/2014 09:57 AM

I know it's hard for JFO folks to believe that a foggy, unremorseful, gaslighting WS is so unlikely to straighten up and fly right.
But it seems to me that someone in the midst of a passionate affair (and aren't they all "passionate"?) is exactly in the same altered state of reality as someone with a crack cocaine habit.** The ecstatic moments of "stolen bliss" (I know, I know: sick-making lunacy) are such a great escape from regular life, with all its mundane elements: bills, dishes, oil changes, visits to in-laws, crying kids, crazy neighbors, bad boss, etc., etc., etc.
But time and time again I've read horrible stories of a WS going along to therapy (couples and/or individual), going on special getaway trips with the spouse, seemingly ON BOARD and committed to the marriage/relationship, only to have the BS find out that the contact with the AP never stopped, that the affair has continued on the sly So this 20/20 Hindsight list is brilliant. And really if your WS really wants to reconcile, he/she will do everything they can to make that happen.
** Maybe there should be 30-day rehab centers to help people break their "affair" habit!

LearningToRun posted 2/12/2014 13:48 PM

Bump, some of my favorite advice.

hard_yards posted 2/25/2014 12:18 PM


norabird posted 3/6/2014 10:36 AM


undonelife posted 3/6/2014 12:46 PM


still confounded posted 3/14/2014 18:32 PM

Bumping to first page ...

JaneDeaux posted 3/15/2014 08:02 AM

Greet post...thanks.

still confounded posted 4/1/2014 17:17 PM

Hello, new to SI folks
Good advice here.

katherine41 posted 4/25/2014 07:34 AM


staystrong101 posted 4/25/2014 07:55 AM

Katherine - Fantastic! This is basically what I did, although your list is clearly written and I wish I had seen it right after DDAy. I could tell my WH was not being fully honest with me, and still lying to protect OW #1. To me that was the deal breaker, so I filed. I have never regretted filing. Yes it's been heartbreaking, humiliating at times, and scary. But I know I deserve better and I'm moving on to a better life. Good luck to you, thanks for a great post!

kodiak14 posted 4/25/2014 10:32 AM

This is just what I needed. I'm new here and have been trying to figure out how to handle a WS that is deep in the fog. I have an appointment with an attorney next Tuesday.

still confounded posted 5/20/2014 08:56 AM

This. Yes.

still confounded posted 6/12/2014 18:33 PM

Bumping for newbies.

hopefull77 posted 6/12/2014 19:21 PM

Great advice...mine was remorseful and scared the moment I found out...that helped but I busted him in a lie 4 months later...his IC raked him over the coals!
This infidelity crap is not for sissy's that is for sure!
thanks again...even 19 months out!

yearsofpain25 posted 6/19/2014 14:32 PM


still confounded posted 6/22/2014 13:37 PM

bump for helpless17

MakingMyFuture posted 6/23/2014 04:21 AM

Wish I'd seen this list a year and a half ago! Any chance of getting a slightly expanded version into the Healing Library so it doesn't have to keep getting bumped?

Schadenfreude posted 7/4/2014 21:07 PM

Another bump containing valuable lessons.

still confounded posted 8/15/2014 22:27 PM

August bump.

blindsided81 posted 8/16/2014 06:56 AM

Thanks for bumping this.

It is hard to read, but I am finding it to be absolutely correct on all counts.

Thank you for posting it.

shiftingsand posted 8/18/2014 07:14 AM

Invaluable advise - hoping I can get my act together enough to follow it.

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