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Newest Member: Anik1989 (44228)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O
still confounded
♀ Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's hard for JFO folks to believe that a foggy, unremorseful, gaslighting WS is so unlikely to straighten up and fly right.
But it seems to me that someone in the midst of a passionate affair (and aren't they all "passionate"?) is exactly in the same altered state of reality as someone with a crack cocaine habit.** The ecstatic moments of "stolen bliss" (I know, I know: sick-making lunacy) are such a great escape from regular life, with all its mundane elements: bills, dishes, oil changes, visits to in-laws, crying kids, crazy neighbors, bad boss, etc., etc., etc.
But time and time again I've read horrible stories of a WS going along to therapy (couples and/or individual), going on special getaway trips with the spouse, seemingly ON BOARD and committed to the marriage/relationship, only to have the BS find out that the contact with the AP never stopped, that the affair has continued on the sly So this 20/20 Hindsight list is brilliant. And really if your WS really wants to reconcile, he/she will do everything they can to make that happen.
** Maybe there should be 30-day rehab centers to help people break their "affair" habit!


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump, some of my favorite advice.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Apr 2009
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3678 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUMP


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 182 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
still confounded
♀ Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping to first page ...


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
JaneDeaux
♀ Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Greet post...thanks.


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014
still confounded
♀ Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, new to SI folks
Good advice here.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
katherine41
♀ Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping.


Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Katherine - Fantastic! This is basically what I did, although your list is clearly written and I wish I had seen it right after DDAy. I could tell my WH was not being fully honest with me, and still lying to protect OW #1. To me that was the deal breaker, so I filed. I have never regretted filing. Yes it's been heartbreaking, humiliating at times, and scary. But I know I deserve better and I'm moving on to a better life. Good luck to you, thanks for a great post!

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
kodiak14
♀ New Member
Member # 43235
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is just what I needed. I'm new here and have been trying to figure out how to handle a WS that is deep in the fog. I have an appointment with an attorney next Tuesday.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2014
still confounded
♀ Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This. Yes.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
still confounded
♀ Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for newbies.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice...mine was remorseful and scared the moment I found out...that helped but I busted him in a lie 4 months later...his IC raked him over the coals!
This infidelity crap is not for sissy's that is for sure!
thanks again...even 19 months out!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 364 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1820 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
still confounded
♀ Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump for helpless17


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
MakingMyFuture
♀ Member
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wish I'd seen this list a year and a half ago! Any chance of getting a slightly expanded version into the Healing Library so it doesn't have to keep getting bumped?


When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)
Together 15 years, Married 11
2 kids (10 & 8)
D-Day1: 1/12/13
False R 1/12/13-7/14/14
D-Day2: 7/14/14


Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another bump containing valuable lessons.

Posts: 740 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 158
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