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20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

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BooBoo! posted 3/20/2012 08:07 AM

SPOT ON!!!!!!

want a new life posted 3/20/2012 09:00 AM

I would just like to add a big "AMEN" to this. I'm a little over 2 yrs from DDay. I also did not do this but looking back so wish I had.

I can't over emphasis enough 180, detach & NC!! I know everyone feels their situation is different and I know I did but everyone here has years of life experience and that is a great teacher!!

Best of Luck!!

2_4giving4_2long posted 3/20/2012 09:56 AM

I like NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!!.. My wh gets totally insane when I can call him out on something...He does the bug-eyes "Who told you this?" Or They're lying" Or, "You are playing games on me." But, they do get smarter at being sneakier. The underground A are the most insane ones. You know it but can't prove it. But in time, they always tell one way or another.

I really did read as much as I could after DDAY, but I was in shock and a lot didn't sink in. Now that I work on my 180, things aren't so bleak afterall.

Fighting2Survive posted 3/27/2012 14:28 PM

Fighting2Survive posted 3/30/2012 21:29 PM

LearningToRun posted 4/8/2012 07:51 AM

I am a year 1/2 out from divorce and still not even a hint of remorse.

Reading this helps when I get a case of the " what ifs"

I especially like defining your "must haves"- that was a lifesaver

Stillhurt123 posted 4/8/2012 09:38 AM

This is fantastic. Thank you for posting...

Can someone tell me - what is gaslighting?

My husband went underground (or at least I think he did)...He tells me there is NC, he sent the text and I don't have evidence, but just a feeling.

I have a few ways of fiding out next week I will put them into play. I am right now not able to put anything on him, to my face he is remourseful, a great dad, great H, present, all the things I want...but there is just something...I can't put my finger on it, but it will come.

The fact that he hasn't given me all his passwords and still gets upset if he finds me 'spying' is my first clue. But, like I said I will know for sure in a few days.

But you posting this helps me so much - it has been since December that I found out and every time he tells me - I choose you, I"m sorry I messed up and was having trouble getting out of this. However, I know for 100% certain I am at the end of my rope. If I catch him even once in contact in any way, I have a plan to move the kids and I out (he would never leave)...I have been nothing but wonderful to him since we started R (if it's really R), so I will have no regrets.

Thanks for posting this at such a perfect time.

Stillhurt123 posted 4/8/2012 09:40 AM

Just to clarify:

My husband went underground (or at least I think he did)...He tells me there is NC, he sent the text and I don't have evidence, but just a feeling.

CH did send the NC, that I know, but I think he's still talking to OW...THAT is what I can't find evidence of...but I will find it if it's happening...just a matter of time

Fractured.Us posted 4/8/2012 11:07 AM

I sooooo wish I had known about this site when dd1 happened. I did everything wrong. I only got here 6months out from dd2, and somehow I got many thing s right second time around.

Thank you for the list. :)

Magda08 posted 4/8/2012 13:12 PM


StoryHour posted 4/8/2012 13:28 PM

I wish I had just left. I should have gone with my gut instinct and put him on the street that day. No reconciliation. It was just a total waste of nearly three years of my life. I could have used that time to rebuild.

Listen to your gut.

ineedtoleave posted 4/8/2012 15:57 PM

(((Leakinheart85)))... your profile KILLS me inside.

still confounded posted 4/14/2012 22:14 PM

Bumping for newcomers to SI

still confounded posted 4/18/2012 18:10 PM


traditoperanni posted 4/18/2012 19:44 PM

Katherine 41- thank you!
Great post and so true.
Definitely will print this out for future reference.

traildad posted 4/18/2012 21:04 PM

This is so helpful and true. I am about 5 months out from d-day and just discovered this site about 3 weeks ago. Man I wish I had this 5 months ago. I am still struggling and stumbling as I come out of the BS fog, but this site and the veterans on here have helped me tremendously.

still confounded posted 5/1/2012 20:41 PM


doep posted 5/1/2012 22:48 PM

Thanks for this post. It helps to hear from someone who has experienced and survived.

Nightfall posted 5/2/2012 00:54 AM

This is great, thank you.

want a new life posted 5/4/2012 15:30 PM

I just wanted to say that I thought my XH would be different and he would eventually see the light. Well guess never happened. The good people here on SI never steered me wrong. Believe me I know it's incredibly hard but listen to the ones who have traveled this path!!

katherine41 posted 5/9/2012 21:34 PM


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