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Newest Member: sadmama33 (45336)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O
BooBoo!
♀ Member
Member # 33195
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SPOT ON!!!!!!

Posts: 630 | Registered: Aug 2011
want a new life
♀ Member
Member # 27286
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would just like to add a big "AMEN" to this. I'm a little over 2 yrs from DDay. I also did not do this but looking back so wish I had.

I can't over emphasis enough 180, detach & NC!! I know everyone feels their situation is different and I know I did but everyone here has years of life experience and that is a great teacher!!

Best of Luck!!


Me BS - 57
D 6/2010
It's been a long journey but I think I'm finally arriving at my happy place:)


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: midwest
2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!!.. My wh gets totally insane when I can call him out on something...He does the bug-eyes "Who told you this?" Or They're lying" Or, "You are playing games on me." But, they do get smarter at being sneakier. The underground A are the most insane ones. You know it but can't prove it. But in time, they always tell one way or another.

I really did read as much as I could after DDAY, but I was in shock and a lot didn't sink in. Now that I work on my 180, things aren't so bleak afterall.


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a year 1/2 out from divorce and still not even a hint of remorse.

Reading this helps when I get a case of the " what ifs"

I especially like defining your "must haves"- that was a lifesaver


Posts: 274 | Registered: Feb 2011
Stillhurt123
♀ Member
Member # 35216
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is fantastic. Thank you for posting...

Can someone tell me - what is gaslighting?

My husband went underground (or at least I think he did)...He tells me there is NC, he sent the text and I don't have evidence, but just a feeling.

I have a few ways of fiding out next week I will put them into play. I am right now not able to put anything on him, to my face he is remourseful, a great dad, great H, present, all the things I want...but there is just something...I can't put my finger on it, but it will come.

The fact that he hasn't given me all his passwords and still gets upset if he finds me 'spying' is my first clue. But, like I said I will know for sure in a few days.

But you posting this helps me so much - it has been since December that I found out and every time he tells me - I choose you, I"m sorry I messed up and was having trouble getting out of this. However, I know for 100% certain I am at the end of my rope. If I catch him even once in contact in any way, I have a plan to move the kids and I out (he would never leave)...I have been nothing but wonderful to him since we started R (if it's really R), so I will have no regrets.

Thanks for posting this at such a perfect time.


Married for 10 yrs, together 15
Me, BW - 37
Him, fWH- 40
3 kids
D-Day; Dec 13, 2011, TT and lies and lies and lies and lies
Back in R

Posts: 403 | Registered: Apr 2012
Stillhurt123
♀ Member
Member # 35216
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to clarify:

My husband went underground (or at least I think he did)...He tells me there is NC, he sent the text and I don't have evidence, but just a feeling.


CH did send the NC, that I know, but I think he's still talking to OW...THAT is what I can't find evidence of...but I will find it if it's happening...just a matter of time


Married for 10 yrs, together 15
Me, BW - 37
Him, fWH- 40
3 kids
D-Day; Dec 13, 2011, TT and lies and lies and lies and lies
Back in R

Posts: 403 | Registered: Apr 2012
Fractured.Us
♀ Member
Member # 35085
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sooooo wish I had known about this site when dd1 happened. I did everything wrong. I only got here 6months out from dd2, and somehow I got many thing s right second time around.

Thank you for the list. :)


Married 21

This was not how it was supposed to end.


Posts: 338 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: USA
Magda08
♀ New Member
Member # 35211
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUMP

Posts: 44 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: US
StoryHour
♀ Member
Member # 19725
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had just left. I should have gone with my gut instinct and put him on the street that day. No reconciliation. It was just a total waste of nearly three years of my life. I could have used that time to rebuild.

Listen to your gut.


3 Strikes you're out pal!
D. 8-10


Posts: 2034 | Registered: May 2008
ineedtoleave
♀ Member
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Leakinheart85)))... your profile KILLS me inside.


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 963 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
still confounded
♀ Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, April 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for newcomers to SI


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1302 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
still confounded
♀ Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1302 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Katherine 41- thank you!
Great post and so true.
Definitely will print this out for future reference.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
traildad
♂ Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so helpful and true. I am about 5 months out from d-day and just discovered this site about 3 weeks ago. Man I wish I had this 5 months ago. I am still struggling and stumbling as I come out of the BS fog, but this site and the veterans on here have helped me tremendously.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
still confounded
♀ Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1302 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
doep
New Member
Member # 33837
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this post. It helps to hear from someone who has experienced and survived.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: doep
Nightfall
♀ Member
Member # 34954
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is great, thank you.


me-BS 28
him-fWS 38
Together: 8 years Married: 4 years
D Day 1: June 2007 First A
D Day 2: July 2011 LTA of 2 years
In R and it seems to be working

Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2012
want a new life
♀ Member
Member # 27286
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say that I thought my XH would be different and he would eventually see the light. Well guess what......it never happened. The good people here on SI never steered me wrong. Believe me I know it's incredibly hard but listen to the ones who have traveled this path!!


Me BS - 57
D 6/2010
It's been a long journey but I think I'm finally arriving at my happy place:)


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 167
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