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20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

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katherine41 posted 5/9/2012 21:34 PM


still confounded posted 5/24/2012 16:12 PM

Bumping for newcomers to SI

Helen of Troy posted 5/24/2012 18:15 PM

Lather up in Self-Care.

SuspiciousWife posted 6/1/2012 07:42 AM

Bumping again.

roseguide posted 6/2/2012 04:30 AM

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
I've only just read this post but I'm going to go ahead and call it life changing for me. It's only been 4 days since D-day but this has set me on the right path. WH does not want reconciliation he wants to be with OW. In a way that's a good thing because I don't have to continue with the lies. After reading this post I signed up for attorney consultations.
Can some one tell me what a "bump" and "180" are?

lost2atranny posted 6/2/2012 12:51 PM

thank you for sharing your wisdom. I'm trying hard but as a newbie... its scary. I know this is a post ill have to just read over and over again.

still confounded posted 6/2/2012 16:28 PM

So glad this 20/20 helped you (it sure helped me!).
"Bump" is just a way to get a particular post to go to the top of the postings. You could write anything after clicking on the "Reply to this post' thingy at the bottom of any topic, and that would indeed move it to the top.
The 180 is a brilliant set of instructions/suggestions of how to turn the focus OFF the WS and onto your own healing/recovery. It can be found in the Healing Library under BS FAQ, in fact it's # 11 on the list of FAQs.
So grateful for SI ...

Edie posted 6/3/2012 00:25 AM


homewrecked2011 posted 6/3/2012 22:44 PM

My husband tried to come back home a month after d-day, but when I told him only with Marriage Counseling, he said no.... I told him I want it all! I want a great TOTAL marriage, not a fake one.

This is not too much to ask!

homewrecked2011 posted 6/3/2012 22:48 PM

Also, to those of you with new babies/or pregnant I want to tell you this: When I was pregnant my husband was at topless bars and flirted with women in front of me. I stayed because I wanted my children to grow up in a family. Reality is if I would have followed my gut back then, insisted on Marriage Counseling, we might have had a different life. Even if we had separated/divorced, they would have grown up visiting their dad on weekends and it would not be as traumatic as it is now for them. 14 & 11.
I realize now, he never changed who he was, I stopped seeing what I didn't want to see.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:50 PM, June 3rd (Sunday)]

still confounded posted 6/13/2012 20:48 PM

Bumping for newcomers to JFO

Skan posted 6/14/2012 12:41 PM

Thank you for this. I will be re-reading it, and the 180 thread, a lot.

still confounded posted 6/19/2012 12:45 PM

Yet another bump ...

crushedheart09 posted 6/19/2012 12:59 PM

I wish I had found this when I joined SI, would have saved me a lot of mistakes as well.

It should be required reading right after you pick your password or in the Library for sure.

Just great advise!!!!!

fraeuken posted 6/19/2012 17:21 PM

I wish I had followed the advice 18 months ago. I would be so much further along healing and having put my life back in order.

Great advice.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/24/2012 23:46 PM

I believe now that my husband stayed up to watch tv after I went to bed to be able to talk to her on the phone. We have a camcorder and it sits in a case on the shelf in the den. I could have easily turned it on at night - still in the case- to record his phone conversations. At least then you know you're not crazy...

still confounded posted 6/28/2012 18:14 PM

Moving this to the front page for newcomers to SI

hard_yards posted 7/2/2012 21:36 PM

bumpity bump......

LearningToRun posted 7/4/2012 09:49 AM

Love this post so much. Wish I had followed it better.

hard_yards posted 7/7/2012 16:34 PM

bumping again....

KernalSandy posted 7/7/2012 17:25 PM

What I wish I had done?

Great question.

Right now, Iím kinda wishing I had let her A run its course. Iíve been in limbo because I will really never know if she is capable of chronic betrayal (automatic D) or whether it was a colossal, one-time screw up, like she says (possible R). On paper she is remorseful, but I wonder if itís legit.

There was an EA component to it after-the-fact that she hasn't 'fessed up to. So lately, I'm leaning toward D. But I feel guilty about that because she has been working on remorse. I'm sort of wishing I she gave me a reason to go auto-D without the guilt.

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