SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O
What I wish I had done?
Right now, Iím kinda wishing I had let her A run its course. Iíve been in limbo because I will really never know if she is capable of chronic betrayal (automatic D) or whether it was a colossal, one-time screw up, like she says (possible R). On paper she is remorseful, but I wonder if itís legit.
There was an EA component to it after-the-fact that she hasn't 'fessed up to. So lately, I'm leaning toward D. But I feel guilty about that because she has been working on remorse. I'm sort of wishing I she gave me a reason to go auto-D without the guilt.
You are an effing genius! I will need to re-read this again tomorrow. Thank you so much for sharing.
dropping in and bumping.
I wish I would have packed his stuff up and taken it to the OW house that she shares with her Husband!!!! LOL
Those first few days I was so shocked, everyone would have excused anything crazy I did.
Anyway, thank you for posting this.
It's been a while since I visited, but I'm already re-bumping this for justjul.
Sigh. I have the most remorseful, committed, penitent, unflappable, undiscouragable, determined-to-R WF.
And I STILL regret taking him back. Now it feels like it's too late.
What I wish I'd done?
- Wish I'd hacked his phone, and found a way to read what all those texts said.
- Wish I'd more directly and forcefully informed the OW's boyfriend (accidentally sent the tattle message to someone on FB with his same name. Next, my friend tried emailing him, and he got it, but opted to believe the OW's gaslight. Third time I sent from my gmail to his FB inbox, a technique which I don't think works). At this point I think I'm just being a drama queen and I need to let it go. He wants to be lied to. His funeral.
I regret meeting him in the first place, though, so if we are rewriting history, I think I'd go farther back and just stay the happy, carefree person I was.
Bumping for new members. Also adding my "shoulda"
I wish now that my response to finding out would have been along these lines:
"I am actually releived to hear of your infidelity! Now I can come come clean and tell you that I have been in love with someone else for about (insert length of time shorter than your WS's affair here)and now I can FINALLY be TRULY happy! you must move out immediately and be with her!Let's all get together for a few drinks in about a month.This is going to be great!
Only works if you don't have kids though...And if you can ply a single friend of the opposite sex to play along. And if WS is a cake eating fence-sitter.
Bumping for newbies, lots of great advice!
Wish I'd let him tell the kids that night, put him out on the street and filed for divorce there and then, like I always said I would. It was the lies and the attempt at R that did all the damage that came afterwards. But that's not what I'd advise others to do. My WH's A had been sneaking up for years... and is, hell as it is to say this, a real love-match. He told me and never said sorry, never said anything except he loved her and didn't love me, that I didn't know what love was. I should have listened to those powerful words, and acted upon them, not made a desperate and humiliating attempt to make it all un-happen, clinging to a dead relationship.
I should have left his ass at the curb and saved myself nearly 20 yrs of gut and heart wrenching pain and agony. THE FIRST DDAY! I shouldn't have waited all these years thru all the alcoholism and treatment centers to wait for him to half kill me again.
Now i'm nearly 50 and feel trapped as hell. I wish i was 32 again and young and could start fresh....young enough to have more kids with someone who loved me.
Thank you for bumping. I needed this advice as hard as it is to read.
This is good info, thanks. I have already goofed my revealing some sources.
I have seen too many people put through hell by trying to salvage a marriage with a long term cheater/liar, and I want to avoid that.
I'm off to read about this 180 stuff. It sounds like something i need to know.