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Newest Member: formerlyjoyful (44597)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O
KernalSandy
♂ Member
Member # 35610
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, July 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I wish I had done?

Great question.

Right now, Iím kinda wishing I had let her A run its course. Iíve been in limbo because I will really never know if she is capable of chronic betrayal (automatic D) or whether it was a colossal, one-time screw up, like she says (possible R). On paper she is remorseful, but I wonder if itís legit.

There was an EA component to it after-the-fact that she hasn't 'fessed up to. So lately, I'm leaning toward D. But I feel guilty about that because she has been working on remorse. I'm sort of wishing I she gave me a reason to go auto-D without the guilt.


Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2012
Belle29
♀ Member
Member # 35501
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are an effing genius! I will need to re-read this again tomorrow. Thank you so much for sharing.


Me: BS
Her: WS
DDay: 4/27/2012

It's a rollercoaster ride for sure......and I never did like rollercoasters. That's why I got off.


Posts: 154 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Dallas
SuspiciousWife
♀ Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
still confounded
♀ Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
katherine41
♀ Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dropping in and bumping.

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I would have packed his stuff up and taken it to the OW house that she shares with her Husband!!!! LOL
Those first few days I was so shocked, everyone would have excused anything crazy I did.

Anyway, thank you for posting this.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2030 | Registered: Jan 2012
katherine41
♀ Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a while since I visited, but I'm already re-bumping this for justjul.

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
pbjkiki
♀ Member
Member # 35145
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh. I have the most remorseful, committed, penitent, unflappable, undiscouragable, determined-to-R WF.

And I STILL regret taking him back. Now it feels like it's too late.

What I wish I'd done?

- Wish I'd hacked his phone, and found a way to read what all those texts said.
- Wish I'd more directly and forcefully informed the OW's boyfriend (accidentally sent the tattle message to someone on FB with his same name. Next, my friend tried emailing him, and he got it, but opted to believe the OW's gaslight. Third time I sent from my gmail to his FB inbox, a technique which I don't think works). At this point I think I'm just being a drama queen and I need to let it go. He wants to be lied to. His funeral.

I regret meeting him in the first place, though, so if we are rewriting history, I think I'd go farther back and just stay the happy, carefree person I was.


Posts: 333 | Registered: Mar 2012
queneanth
♀ Member
Member # 15816
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for new members. Also adding my "shoulda"

I wish now that my response to finding out would have been along these lines:

"I am actually releived to hear of your infidelity! Now I can come come clean and tell you that I have been in love with someone else for about (insert length of time shorter than your WS's affair here)and now I can FINALLY be TRULY happy! you must move out immediately and be with her!Let's all get together for a few drinks in about a month.This is going to be great!

Only works if you don't have kids though...And if you can ply a single friend of the opposite sex to play along. And if WS is a cake eating fence-sitter.


"The hardest thing in life to learn, is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn."

Posts: 560 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: in between
blinders_off
Member
Member # 34109
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2011
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for newbies, lots of great advice!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9688 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
still confounded
♀ Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wish I'd let him tell the kids that night, put him out on the street and filed for divorce there and then, like I always said I would. It was the lies and the attempt at R that did all the damage that came afterwards. But that's not what I'd advise others to do. My WH's A had been sneaking up for years... and is, hell as it is to say this, a real love-match. He told me and never said sorry, never said anything except he loved her and didn't love me, that I didn't know what love was. I should have listened to those powerful words, and acted upon them, not made a desperate and humiliating attempt to make it all un-happen, clinging to a dead relationship.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Angelstar5
♀ Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should have left his ass at the curb and saved myself nearly 20 yrs of gut and heart wrenching pain and agony. THE FIRST DDAY! I shouldn't have waited all these years thru all the alcoholism and treatment centers to wait for him to half kill me again.


Now i'm nearly 50 and feel trapped as hell. I wish i was 32 again and young and could start fresh....young enough to have more kids with someone who loved me.


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 11573 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 13th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weekend bump.

Posts: 11573 | Registered: Mar 2008
diditagn
♀ Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
katherine41
♀ Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
lknup
♀ Member
Member # 37433
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for bumping. I needed this advice as hard as it is to read.


Me: BH
He: WH
DD fall 2012
Getting a Divorce!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Nov 2012
34years
♀ New Member
Member # 37477
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is good info, thanks. I have already goofed my revealing some sources.

I have seen too many people put through hell by trying to salvage a marriage with a long term cheater/liar, and I want to avoid that.

I'm off to read about this 180 stuff. It sounds like something i need to know.


Me: 55 YO BS
Him 54 YO WH
M: 34 years
pros, strippers, strangers, Craigslist personals, affair
D-Day: 10-31-12
He is in custody for raping me and fracturing my back
4 grown children

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 161
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