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20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

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still confounded posted 12/15/2012 15:40 PM


StopHurting posted 12/15/2012 15:54 PM

Hi everyone.
less than a week since dd2.
can someone explain to me what 180 is? or refer me to the explanation?
Many thanks.

NiteOwl posted 12/15/2012 22:06 PM

Everything you say rings true but omg it's sooooo hard!!! I sometimes wish for a lobotomy or electric shock therapy. 4 months out and I'm swinging in the wind, unable to make any real decisions and I think I've list my self respect. He says he wants recovery but also wants rug sweeping... Lets just move forward, this is us and this is now. Well my heart and my mind is stuck in the A and the pain and I'm not able or ready to just move forward. I can tell my attitude towards it is wearing thin on him. Any suggestions? It's easy to cave, so hard to be strong :(

still confounded posted 12/16/2012 22:48 PM

StopHurting -- for an explanation of the 180, look in the Healing Library (in the little box upper left) under BS FAQ. It's covered under #11. And there are lots more helpful topics there, too.

still confounded posted 1/6/2013 13:23 PM

Bumping for newcomers

Jpapageorge posted 1/11/2013 21:00 PM


thisissogross posted 1/17/2013 23:33 PM

thisissogross posted 1/17/2013 23:35 PM

still confounded posted 2/11/2013 20:58 PM

Bumping for new-to-SI folks

homewrecked2011 posted 2/11/2013 21:26 PM

I never thought about exposing the OW to anyone but her husband.

How do you expose her to her friends, family, boss????

crossroads2010 posted 2/11/2013 22:19 PM

I would have just left....filed for divorce.

b/c after 35+ years of marriage, we would either be done and over or he would have realized what he had lost and learned to value it again.

Instead, we are in sort of a permanent his mind, he never lost anything and I still see no remorse and can't regain my trust and security in this marriage.

I have become stronger in so many ways and I am recovering, but we are not recovering...just rugsweeping.

Why didn't I leave?? I didn't want my their 20s... to know and I was so blindsided and shocked for 6 months, I literally couldn't think.

crossroads2010 posted 2/11/2013 22:30 PM

NiteOwl...I can so relate to your feelings and confusion and the rugsweeping. I am over 3years out from dday, but at 6 months, the pain/anger/confusion is so overwhelming...find a good IC...find yourself...not the old you...she is gone...find the new you...try to focus on the new you...not him. I know it is hard.

h0peless posted 2/11/2013 22:34 PM

If I could go back and re-do things, I would have filed right away. It would have saved me a few months of hoping for something that wasn't worth hoping for.

Unfortunately, I was paralyzed.

ArcticNight posted 2/12/2013 06:40 AM

I wish I would have had this list and followed it before giving him chance after chance. Remorse was spotty at best.

hard_yards posted 2/18/2013 13:12 PM


still confounded posted 2/19/2013 16:04 PM

To this day, almost eight years after D-day, I still consider this the best assessment of what to do when the bomb drops, metaphorically speaking.

The only thing I would reiterate (for the BS) is do not beg, do not plead, do not bother to use your most logical arguments about why the WS should come to his/her senses, don't guilt trip, don't shame, don't say how great your love is, etc., etc., etc., because NONE OF THAT MATTERS with a fogged-up WS. And, in fact, it just makes things worse. The only thing that helped in my situation was my half-assed attempt at the 180, and it helped ME, nothing more. And that turned out to be all that could be helped.

still confounded posted 2/23/2013 15:37 PM


still confounded posted 3/1/2013 20:17 PM

bumping again (I keep doing this because this post helped me so so so much)

still confounded posted 3/8/2013 18:43 PM


thisissogross posted 3/15/2013 03:01 AM

still confounded posted 4/2/2013 08:25 AM

Good advice, good perspective, especially for newcomers to SI who are dazed and confused and clinging to a leaking PFD.

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