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blindsided87 (original poster member #34674) posted at 3:08 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
Why can't I stop thinking about it? I'm 2 months out from D-day and that's all I think about. Hardly get out of the bed other than to go to work and the gym. I mean why was it so easy for her (she knew him only 3 weeks) Why did she let it go on for a whole year? Did she not think of me? We had only been married a year and were trying to conceive. What kind of person does that? I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her.
Married 13 years
Together 14 years
Dday Dec. 24, 2011
painpaingoaway ( member #27196) posted at 3:28 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
((((BS87)))),
Did she not think of me?
No, I don't think they do think of us.
They are all about self-pleasuring, self-affirming, self, self, self, SELFISH, people.
So, the recipe for disaster is: selfishness, feelings of inferiority or superiority, broken moral compass, lack of personal boundaries, addicition to ego stroking, lack of personal integrity, and neediness.
Personally, I see cheaters as somewhat juvenile people. I believe they have never truly grown up. So, I don't really think they were capable of 'thinking of us' at the time.
If you are not able to forgive her, that's okay. If she earns your forgiveness, you will know it. And at that point you may decide to forgive her. As far as I am concerned, forgiveness should not be granted to someome that does not EARN it.
D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk
Susannah ( member #34282) posted at 3:35 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
I was lying in bed this morning thinking that same thing. Why must this consume my every waking thought? I am about 2 months out too. December 11th which was also my 1st year wedding anniversary. It is like a buzz saw in my head that will never go away.
ME: 45 and fantastic
Him: 43 the absolute love of my life and destroyer of my heart
Her: praying for Karma to get her
DDay-12/11/11 our 1st year anniversary
GOD, I HATE WHORES.
jo2love ( member #31528) posted at 3:45 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
(((blindsided87)))
Your DDay was very recent. Processing all of this takes time. Please don't rush your emotions. Are you in MC?
She needs to be remorseful and tranparent. It will take time for her to earn your trust.
We are here for you.
jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 3:45 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
What kind of person does that?
As painpain stated, a very broken, immature person does that.
Blindsided, I am sure that you have been told from members on this site that you can't make sense out of nonsense. You can't find rationale in irrational behavior....because it doesn't exist. It doesn't make sense. And if you can not get past this, then that is okay.
Life isn't fair. People don't always get the justice that they so deserve. But we can't let this defeat us. We have to pick ourselves back up...and learn to start over---with a new view on the world. We didn't sign up for this, but we are doing ourselves a huge disservice if we let it take over our lives.
I'm 2 1/2 years out from my origional D-day, and I would be a liar if I said that I didn't still think about it often. But it is more controlled, and like it or not, I am a stronger person than I was before this shit started.
You will get there too, but it takes time. Keep telling yourself that this is a process, and you will come out the other side a strong person. It doesn't mean that you didn't prefer your old life better, but you can and will be happy again in everyday life...if you allow yourself to.
[This message edited by jb3199 at 9:45 AM, February 26th (Sunday)]
BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married over 30yrs.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14
agreensleeve ( member #26210) posted at 3:50 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
I am 2.5 years out and I still ask my FWH what was he thinking.
His reply: I wasn't thinking.
That is one of the hardest things I have had to wrap my head, thoughts, heart around.
Like the others said, the WS is selfish, immature, only thinking about themselves.
It doesn't excuse what they did, but it, unfortunately, is the only answer they have.
Our MC gave us this example: When a child does something they shouldn't have and the mother says to them why did you do that? They child replies: I don't know. The child knows he got caught but honestly doesn't know why. They just weren't thinking.
BS:53/FWS:59(LCFBastard)/M:33 Years
DDay: 25Sep09:Online Porn;2Oct09:Emails/PA w/Escorts 6 times from Apr 03-Sep 09.In IC/MC/R.
This is my quest,No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.To be willing to march into HELL for a HEAVENLY cause.
housenotahome ( member #32423) posted at 4:12 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
This is trite, cliche but true. You will get better. You will recover. It is impossible for most people to believe recovery is possible after only 2 months and time is not on our side. You will heal.
Its amazing how many things are swimming around in our brains after dday. Forgiveness is not something that you need to concern yourself with right now. That will come when it comes and in the end it will be something you do for yourself. Right now, your only job is to process what has happenned to you. I say that as if you had a choice, because we spend so much time avoiding our needs during this time.
Did she not think of me?
A's have nothing to do with BS's. Please read about compartmentalization.
Me BS
Him WS
Married 13 years together 17
DDay Mar.2011
Mistake-Going through a stop sign because you didn't see it.
Poor choice-You saw the stop sign and went through it anyway.
INeedMoreCoffee ( member #30820) posted at 4:31 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
It does get better.
Not quickly.
Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.
But you will heal.
I can safely say that, about 21 months post DDay 1 and 1 year past DDay 2, I don't think about "it" as often. It's not my first/last thought.
But you need to find something for YOU. If you let it eat you it will. Try and do something for you. IC, a hobby, exercise. That helps, a great deal.
wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 5:46 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
(((Blindsided)))
What you're feeling is totally normal. I know that doesn't help much, but it's something. It does get better 
FBH - 52 FWW - 53 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 17 & 22The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Gipper ( member #32232) posted at 8:57 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
Oh man, that sucks. Two months in was still the beginning for me. It is going to be a ride no matter how it turns out.
I threw myself into walking and exercise(I was too out of shape to run). It did me a lot of good because it tired me out so I could sleep, and it was something that I could control. You have to believe us when we tell you it will get better.
HurtButHoping12 ( member #34918) posted at 9:11 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
Hugs! I am about 6 months out, and I think about it all day, every day. It has gotten a tiny bit better, but like everyone here says, its just going to take a long time. Just know that you are not alone
BW (me):31
WH (guiltfilled11): 32
together 12 years, married 6 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 8, DS 6, DD 4
LePoo ( member #34635) posted at 9:42 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2012
So, the recipe for disaster is: selfishness, feelings of inferiority or superiority, broken moral compass, lack of personal boundaries, addicition to ego stroking, lack of personal integrity, and neediness.
^^so true
...to go to work and the gym.
The gym is positive. Good for you! Work it out! Be angry and burn it off.
None of it makes sense. I despise the word 'time'. Because it is so important.
The affair took 'time'. Time away from your relationship. Forgiveness takes time.
One step at a time. It all sucks. Do what you need to do for you first.
We don't know what they were thinking. It was easy. And just crazy bad judgement
with devastating results. We are not meant to find out. That is hard to swallow. Feeling left out.
Unfortunately, it takes time.
Cortez ( new member #34509) posted at 2:55 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2012
Personally, I see cheaters as somewhat juvenile people. I believe they have never truly grown up. So, I don't really think they were capable of 'thinking of us' at the time.
This really resonates for me. My WW and I are one of those "opposites attract" couples. She's bubbly, outgoing but also a bit erratic. I am "Mr Steady". Her car is a mess, she often leaves her bank card in a shopping bag, misplaces her car keys and drives her car with the gas tank on fumes.
Ironically, the text I found that led to her confession was (to paraphrase),
"I wish you were here. I know I'm a dreamer but that's part of my charm".
This was a moment of clarity for me. She romanticizes her own recklessness and immaturity by calling herself "a dreamer". She gives herself permission to be that way by calling it "part of her charm". There's nothing charming about a married, 46 year old mother of two who's life is in disarray and who is having an affair. At the heart of the work she needs to do is "growing up", plain and simple.
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