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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, April 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way, if you do decide to talk to the OM and deal with the baby thing, tell him flat out that if the baby is born, you expect him to pay all medical costs, all costs related to purchasing baby stuff, all costs for the time your wife will miss work during recovery, and CS set at 50% of his salary (or, you know, you can use one of those CS calculators that applies for your state, but start at 50%. The lawyers will negotiate it later anyway.)

Bottom line here is that right now, he's got this romantic fantasy in his head about having knocked up some other guy's wife. He has these dreams of a little him running around to carry on his bloodline that some other schmuck is going to have to take all of the responsibility for. When he starts figuring out how much real money the little boogers cost, he won't be able to get that kid cut out of her fast enough.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 10:38 PM, April 15th (Sunday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, April 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2814:
listen, you have to excise ANY fantasies you may have left about this. look at it realistically.
talk to others who have/are walking in those shoes. and decide realistically if you have what it takes...I WOULDN'T, so dont think im judging you.
the outlook seems grim.
i wouldnt even want AP to pay for our bloated phone bill, let alone CS for 20 years! FUCK, what a reminder!
Get tested, get prepared.
sacrifice is NOT the definition of love.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2383 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i wouldnt even want AP to pay for our bloated phone bill, let alone CS for 20 years! FUCK, what a reminder!

True, but I'm leaving the door open for the possibility that abortion might turn out to be a moral issue for one or the other of them.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, April 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2814

Try PMing alexa071. He can give you the POV of raising a child in this situation.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1158 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL You know damn well im not arguing with you

i was gonna quote some of your post but i feel like a broken record, and besides, any more validation for you and your hats not gonna fit right!

[This message edited by stilllovingher at 12:14 AM, April 16th (Monday)]


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2383 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
2814
♂ New Member
Member # 35333
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys. I am glad I found this portion of the site. Much more insightful to my situation.

I have a friend who does family law and he's giving me advice on the matter.

I told him I would never set down a rule of R as being get an abortion. he told me to phrase it as,"I am not going to raise someone else's child." Which is true. I am going to make it a requirement that she goes to the doctor. Hell I will take her there and pay the 20 dollar fee at Planned Parenthood.(neither her nor him have health insurance.)
Yeah, if she makes the decision to keep it. I'm out. No way am I getting in that mess. but I will not make it a requirement of anything. I will simply tell her that I won't raise someone else's child.

She told me on friday that the big thing that is making her lean towards termination is that this isn't the way she invisioned having a child. She said she imagined having a child with someone who she loves, who loves her. I said,"you mean, like when we used to talk about having kids." She teared up and said,"Yes. That's how I imagined it."
I am waiting until we get into counseling before I start really hammering her with questions about the affair. you know, frequency and stuff like that.


------------------------------
Me:BS(30)
Her: WW(29)
Married 1 1/2 years together for 5
D-Day: 4/11/12

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2814))) hang in there. there is some good advice here on these boards.

I dont want to sound bitter/negative but you have the choice RIGHT now to walk away with your head held high and your honour intact. 2 years ago, I wouldn't have believed that; I believed in love, and in the woman I married and I felt we had a strong chance at R since we were so 'in tune' and complimentary to each other ....and I have kids with my WW. My beliefs do not define my reality or anothers behaviour either.

If you dont have kids, I'd say walk.

Your wife is too close to DDay and the A to even begin realising what she needs to do to fix things. In her defence, VERY few waywards do. I've read a gazillion posts and lots of books. Look here at WAL and the other vets; they'll set you right...

Bro, if theres one thing you can do to retain your sanity and a sense of self - even if she wasn't pregnant - its to walk away if there are no kids (of yours) in this mess.

You can ask here in the BH forums why I say this. I guess you dont want to hear about D right now. And you feel close to her or theres other compelling reasons for you to hold on to hope. But save yourself years of pain and misery and endless counseling sessions (let alone OC CS etc...). Let your W own the consequence of her actions-dont try to own them for her, no matter how much you care for her-you wont be helping her if you do. She's an adult, she lives with her choices; as we all have to.

Right now most of us can help you chart out the next 3-5 years for you if you give us enough info about your W and your M. We can tell you exactly the kind of hell you'll have to endure. From what you've already stated, I can say shes not remorseful only see guilt and regret (and that too brought about thru the preg.). Owning her shit may take a few months, maybe years. That's IF she were to NC with OM, and thats not a given. And are you sure this is the only OM...?


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, so you've told her unequivocally where you stand with regards to this baby.

Make it her mess to clean up. Don't take her to the doctor. Don't pay for the procedure. She needs to own up and do those things herself.

Don't comfort or coddle her through it. Her mess. That'll be hard, but she needs to do it -- to show what she's capable of doing, and you need to see that she can take care of her own shit...and whether she can do it without running to OM to drive her to her appointment and provide support.

This is a good way of seeing where she's at, how serious she is, etc.

Is there a chance that you could stay somewhere else for 2-3 weeks? Maybe not a separation, but somewhere you could go to clear your head and be safe while she sorts out what she wants to do?

I just get this feeling that you're more than happy to carry the water here while she sits back and lets you make the decisions. Usually when that happens, it's because on some level, the BH is hoping to control the outcome -- to get his WW to respond the way he hopes she will rather than looking at what she's actually doing and capable of giving.

(And, of course, when I say that, I mean "usually when I looked in the mirror for the first couple of months after D-day...")


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that here the husband is the father of any married woman's child by default-check the law in your state.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
2814
♂ New Member
Member # 35333
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we are actually currently separated.

And I'm also done with her. She's an abuser and a liar. We were supposed to have dinner last night which she didn't show up for, nor did she respond to my txt or phone calls. I get a text this morning saying she was with the OM talking and her phone was in the car and it was late, so she stayed there. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING YOU CRAZY BITCH!!!??
So she asked to meet me later this afternoon, I told her sooner is better. She said 2, I said,"for all the lack of respect you've shown me over the past 3 months meet me at 12." She said,"I know you're hurting but being threatened like that is too much for her." I responded saying it wasn't a threat. It was me asking one thing of you. one thing.

I feel like going and waiting outside of her work. But then he will be there.. and it will turn messy.


------------------------------
Me:BS(30)
Her: WW(29)
Married 1 1/2 years together for 5
D-Day: 4/11/12

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2012
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shit. Sorry to hear that, man.

She is showing you who she is right now.

Not necessarily who she has been or who she's capable of being, but who she *is* right in this moment.

And right now, she's a woman who will dangle her husband on a string to hang out with her baby-daddy, and expect her husband to sit around and wait for her.

You can't change her. You can't control her.

What you can decide is whether you want the sort of person she is right now in your life. (I'm guessing not.)

Doesn't mean you have to divorce her on the spot or anything, but you can make it clear to her that her behavior is topic, it is unacceptable, and you do not share your wife with other men. Period. When she's done thinking you're that sort of guy and done being that sort of woman, she can look you up, and if you're still interested in R, you might consider it.

Move on. Do the 180 hard. Don't engage.

Live your life, have some fun, take care of yourself and your own shit.

It's hard as hell in the beginning, but she clearly believes in her current delusion that she's got you in the bag. She can go hang with her baby-daddy without consequences, because you'll still be waiting on her. You need to disabuse her of that notion and force her to decide. You deserve better than to be her backup plan...and if you let yourself be that, she will never respect you again.

Sorry your wife is such a twat right now.

I'm assuming, of course, you understand that missing dinner/leaving her phone in the car/staying at OM's because it was late/blah, blah, blah means that she was sleeping him, right?


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
reallyscrewedup7
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Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2814

Please, please, please, use this anger and file. Filing for D is not irrevokable, but it is taking back control.

She is using you as the fallback. You know this. She knows she has you on the hook and doesn't care. Let the lifted veil and the resulting anger be your friend. It can give you amazing clarity.

Blow off the 2pm meeting and spend it with your lawyer. It will be a lot better for you.

You owe her nothing. She has made her choices. Listen to them.

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 11:26 AM, April 16th (Monday)]


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
2814
♂ New Member
Member # 35333
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.

yeah I realize that she was sleeping with him.

I already have a call into my lawyer. waiting for him to call me back. I've set up an appointment today with my therapist as well. I got her to agree to a 1pm meeting. I am going to take over the shit that's at my place that is hers.(I just packed everything and figured I'd sort it out later.) I've written out a list of my feelings and thoughts and I'm going to use them as talking points.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to reconcile. She will have a long way to climb to get to a point where I would feel comfortable even considering another round. I am using this discussion to exorcise the demons I have right now. I know there will be more. I know that it will be a hard struggle.

Look, when I was kid (under 5) my grandfather molested(such a nice word for what really happened) me. And she did the same thing. She took that trust and that love that I gave her, and she tore it apart. the same way he did. She is an abuser.


------------------------------
Me:BS(30)
Her: WW(29)
Married 1 1/2 years together for 5
D-Day: 4/11/12

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2012
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look, when I was kid (under 5) my grandfather molested(such a nice word for what really happened) me. And she did the same thing. She took that trust and that love that I gave her, and she tore it apart. the same way he did. She is an abuser.

So true. Sad, but true.
just paid the IRS more than i have had in my bank in years, so my anger level is too damn high to give any other advice than "DAMN HER!!!"

To the moon Alice!!!


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2383 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Yeah.
To the moon.

Posts: 5998 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
2814
♂ New Member
Member # 35333
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haha.

Actually had a good relieving talk with her today. Told her everything about how this has made me feel, how hard its been for how long. She seemed to get it.
She decided she is going with NC with both me and the OM. I told her she should have done that a month ago, but better late than never. I told her that right now.. I don't see us being able to be together. that doesn't mean never, but it means that there is alot of work to get back to a safe place for both of us.

I asked about all of their sexual encounters and she said it really was the one time, and they kissed/made out a couple of times. But she never really saw him in that romantic light. She kept calling him a "friend" until I corrected her and said,"he hasn't been a friend to you at all. And once you decided to push me away to spend time with him, he's become the OM. you don't have a friend and a husband, you have a boyfriend and a husband." It was nice to hear that she really didn't think about him in any romantic way. she was genuinely surprised to hear me call him her boyfriend. it never dawned on her. She expressed her apologies about everything. Said how sorry she was. I told her that actions are what got her into this, and they are what will get her out. Words are just words. if she is truly sorry for what she put me though, she needs to show me through actions.
She is going to the doctor on Monday and setting up an abortion appointment. Whether she goes to the appointment is still up in the air.
I also explained to her that the OM isn't a friend, because friends don't take part in helping friends make life changing mistakes. Anyway, I am glad she is going with the NC. She is slowly catching up. Right now, I wouldn't take her back.. I need time myself, to heal as much as I can. we'll talk about that later.

My big question now is... do I still try to meet up with the OM. I am not looking for a big confrontation, I just want to meet the guy. Talk to him about the NC. Since they work together, he is going to see her alot more than I will. And I need to let him know that if he really considers her a friend.. right now.. he needs to stand back.. just like me. No trying to go the doctor with her(seriously, he asked her this. It's like she chose a 15 year old to have sex with).
I really do feel like I'm dealing with two teenagers who have no concept of the emotional whirlpool they've created. Anyway, meeting up with this guy for a non-confrontational meeting for my own closure. Good Idea or Bad?


------------------------------
Me:BS(30)
Her: WW(29)
Married 1 1/2 years together for 5
D-Day: 4/11/12

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2012
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i believe the term for that is "borrowed trouble".


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2383 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Maxiom
♂ Member
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to be wrong about this, but the weight of experience on this site makes me think otherwize.

99% of the time when a WS asks to go NC with both AP and BS what it really means "I want the BS out of my hair for unfettered contact with the AP." shes only going NC with you.

You cant control her but dont buy the bull crap shes shovelling. Not even a little bit.

Not romantically interested in OM? big lie. Huge. Massive! She slept with the guy. This is minimizing at its finest. There is a lot more here she aint telling you.

Meeting with the OM is a bad idea too. You cant trust a word coming from his mouth. Hes not going to have your best interests at heart.. and he certainly wont abide by any boundaries here.. I mean hes already crossed way over the line whats to stop him from doing it again.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 435 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad idea. Terrible idea. Don't do it.

You've been given some really good advice here and the part of this that's really difficult to comprehend and put into practice is facing the fact that you can't control her, you can't control OM, and you can't control the outcome. You can only control you. It sounds simple and it is really. The OM already fucked her and got her pregnant. Why would he care about anything other than himself at this point? He doesn't even know you. He probably thinks your WW is better off with him for all you know.

Will appealing to his sense of decency make him go NC? Of course not. He thinks it's ok to fuck married women. This douchebag doesn't give a fuck about you or your wife. You won't be able to change that.

Additionally I completely agree with Maxiom. She sees him as just a friend? What a crock of shit. She decided she's going NC with both of you? I'm not sure what you need for your own recovery 28, but one of the things that seems clear through your writings is the need to believe your WW. What gives you any indication she can or should be trusted at this point? She's already proved how large her appetite for cake is. "NC with both of you" is a cake-eaters dream scenario. Actually the part that makes it dreamy is when you say "that sounds like a good plan, I need some space too".

[This message edited by dday3302011 at 10:36 PM, April 16th (Monday)]


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
2814
♂ New Member
Member # 35333
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need space because I don't know if I want to R right now. In my state you have to be separated for a year before you can D. so taking some time away from her for myself is important right now.
Mostly, I don't see my WW as evil. And from the things she's talked to mutual friends about. I don't believe that she wanted things to turn out like this. She just made one foggy mistake after another and all of a sudden she looked around.
As far as meeting with him. I don't care if he listens to me or not. But I need to get things off my chest. I had already sent him a message on saturday about meeting up. I asked him not to talk to my WW about it. And he didn't. She was surprised to hear that I did that.
I don't think these are two malicious people. I think they are two emotionally immature people who are doing things that don't have the ability to handle. Once my WW started to walk into that fog, she started just turning to him for advice instead of her F friends. At this point she has started to give me some level of transparency.

Plus... i don't really care anymore. yeah, if I found out that they were still in contact. It would be upsetting.. but I told her yesterday,"This guy is damaged and has a lot of problems. Do you really think life would be better or easier with him?" So if she wants that, take it crazy lady. She knows what she has to do if she wants to reconcile with me.

[This message edited by 2814 at 5:01 AM, April 17th (Tuesday)]


------------------------------
Me:BS(30)
Her: WW(29)
Married 1 1/2 years together for 5
D-Day: 4/11/12

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2012
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