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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 64. Really helps. Appreciate it.

Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to ignore the guy and focus on your son. It's his day, be proud, 'cause you're his dad. Fuck forgiving that dude. Try not to make it about you and him, keep it about you and your kid.

If you luck out and find yourself in an alley with the guy later, though, holding a bat called Marauder...


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree. It's about your son. Priorities for yourself are what's important. I understand the anger and hurt. Love your son. Keep it there.

Plenty of time to carefully plan any interaction you would like with OM - if you want to spend your time doing so.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JJ... I really think you should shake his hand and thank him wholeheartedly for taking the ex off your hands....

His problem now...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


THANK YOU!

Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Used Again
♂ Member
Member # 16567
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love Wondering Bull's suggestion.


My wife has friends in low places.

Posts: 325 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Coastal Georgia
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondering Bull- perfect.

Hold strong, brothers.

Another funny... she now insists (in the mediation sessions) that I accept her version of history and needs me to say, "You are right and I am wrong."

Mediator is flabbergasted.

I laugh.

She is frantic. Starting to loose weight, can't sleep, and a manic edge has entered into her voice. It is scary but I am super cautions regarding interaction with her- and I keep my doors locked. She suggested we go for a walk in the moon light a couple days ago- "Like we used to." I reminded her she had the littles.

Bonus: because she thinks I have a girlfriend- I get tons of extra kid time. It seems she thinks "giving" me that extra time keeps me from building my relationship with my new "girlfriend."

The imaginary one she is convinced I am with all the time.

I have not bothered to tell her the reality.

Brothers, thank you for being here. It is the only place I feel I can share the crazy.

My support goes out to you fighting out in the courts. I am lucky this crazy didn't end up there.

Be strong for your littles.



Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright guys, need some help. I have seen this talked about but seemed more as a side note to other issues or problems. I have a problem dealing with embarrassment with people who know about my W’s A. She told some friends and her parents and when I am around them I am not ok. It feels like shame or embarrassment but maybe it is something else or deeper. The problem then becomes a personal mind fuck that I will express in sarcasm or just flat out anger. It’s not always obvious but it definitely comes up when they are around. Can’t really explain it, feels like failure.

How do you come to terms with this? I know it was her choice, I know it was her actions etc. but it still jacks me up... Is it an “all about me” thing that I turn it into? I know that I still get hurt/angry about the A so is it just anger I am holding on to?

Some of these feelings are like an albatross, being a mad hatter I am usually working on my wayward side as I should and reading the books and SI have been huge and I believe I am headed in the right direction. As I say that I also have to say that this shame/embarrassment just weighs me down. Maybe with the MH situation I am globing my shame for EA and my shame of her A together to create one big matzo ball.

Thoughts/experience?


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, you make perfect sense -- especially given that you were doing the EA thing, while she had a PA. On some level, that might feel extra-emasculating (i.e., she closed the deal, while you didn't -- for whatever reason: distance, not wanting to cross that last line, blah, blah, whatever). At the end of the day, the social expectation is that women are going go all lurvy on guys but keep their pants on while men are going to fuck around but only have squishy feelings for their wives, so you've got a big of a gender reversal in your dynamic.

In lots of madhatter situations, the man's saving grace (in terms of pride) is invariably something along the lines of "Well, yeah, she fucked around, but I fucked five chicks after that, so we're even. She didn't, you know, get away with it." Since most of the world outside of internet articles and infidelity forums don't really validate the EA phenomenon, that component is out of play in a public venue.

I really think that your anger is rooted in pride -- in feeling like you didn't get enough back for the size of the shit sandwich you feel like you have to eat.

Here's a question for you to think about: is part of you pissed off that your EA got busted before you were to take it to an eventual conclusion? Meaning, do you feel like the EA was truncated prior to turning into something physical? Maybe even a trade-up on your current relationship (i.e., exploring the options with the safety net of a WW) that you were denied...and thus, part of you resents her sticking her nose into your business when she didn't, you feel, have any qualms about exploring her own scenario as deeply as she wanted while you were clueless?

At the end of the day, you got some sexy texts/e-mails or whatever, while she got dick. Now, SI has taught us that sexy texts/e-mails are just as damaging to a great many women as the husband considers that extra dick to be, but not everyone buys that, and fewer people buy it off of infidelity message boards, where you're more likely to hear things like, "Nobody took their pants off? Whew! You dodged a bullet and nipped that in the bud just in time!" (along with a bunch of other cliches that I can't call to mind right now.)

You'll have to forgive me for not being more specific with these scenarios. I don't know the details of your situation off the top of my head, so I can only ask trend questions rather than specific to your BH/WH dynamic.

Bottom line here is that I think the social expectations have some impact on defining for you a sense of wounded pride here. On some level, you've internalized the message that she got one over on you. She got to ride some other guy side saddle, and you crushed on someone else. Yeah, that's equitable. You really showed her!

See what I mean?

You need to figure out a way to reframe the interior monologue so that her behavior is not an attack on your pride. I guarantee this -- if you change the input of the social circle to the little ol' church biddies down on the corner, you'd have a much different internal reaction. Instead, she'd be the shamed one, while you'd have the pride of being the faithful and steadfast one in their eyes.

Which is a bit of a clue, you know. External validation and all that. Control the message entering your brain. Tune your perspective to frame the circumstances in a way that doesn't tear down your pride, and find your worth -- or reinforce it -- in the message instead.

The world is whatever story you tell yourself to be true.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that is tough to hear...

I don't think she got over on me, I know the pain I caused and I don't compare the two.

I agree about the societal norms, they play a role more than we like to think. And maybe that is kickin me.

I am sure that I am prideful so that could be the starting point. Surprised I have any left...


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can be wrong, too. I've been known to miss the mark.

(Once or twice.)


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update,
5th court appearance yesterday. Short day due to damn Judge having late day motions, so we left at 3:pm.
My appraisers turn, but she took the entire day and my slut wife's attorney milked the last 1.5 hours, just to not allow me back on the stand to maybe finish this marathon trial, but now back again next Tuesday, 15th. Now only me left. I started two weeks ago and should finish next week with my testimony.
Things look very good for me, but the Judge will still decide my remaining years on this planet and my kids fate as well.
This was all planned by the slut and her Father to drain me, financially, emotionally, but what they did not count on was my fortitude; I'm not a quitter. It has cost me all my savings and now my retirement monies, but I'm not giving in.
As was said in the movie about TV news hosts, (the name escapes me), 'I'm madder than hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore'!
Continue my friends to use intelligence, and GOD to move forward. The human soul is a powerful weapon when it is not perversed by societal collapse, decay.
One more day in court, my turn to finish out this pitiful story. I'm hoping for a fair and somewhat happy ending. That's all I want, that's all anyone deserves.
GOD bless all,
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MPB, did it not occur to them that if they bleed you dry then they don't get jack shit either?

It baffles me, especially in NJ, that a STBXW would be THAT insane and destroy an almost guaranteed state mandated meal ticket.

Keep your head up man.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillGoing,
She doesn't care about money. Her Daddy always has taken care of her and has plenty of dough.
Remember, this piece of cramp is still, 'in the fog', but smart enough to maneuver within it and manage to screw me out all my savings. She doesn't she it as an inconvenience to my boys, just a means to an end for her and her boyfriend.
They both need to fry in hell. The sooner, the better.
Sorry for the bitterness.
MBPs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, May 14th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still going posted this diatribe on another thread and I wanted to post it here.

I don't know who this chick is but she's a fucking bad-ass. I love it.

Who's got the where-with-all and the wit to write something better than this about WW's?

I'm gonna take a shot at it.

It's getting to the point where I can't even read those stupid personal ads anymore, not even for fun.

They're loaded with married people, bitching about their spouses, and looking for something "better".

I've got a few things to tell you:

1. "She" is not the reason your marriage sucks. YOU are. If you spent half as much time paying attention to her as you do trolling CL for sluts, your marriage would be a whole hell of a lot better.

2. Yeah, yeah, we've all heard it a thousand times. You're in a sexless marriage. First of all, that's probably a lie, because most cheaters are liars too. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, pal- if your wife isn't interested in sex, it's because you're not offering sex that's interesting. Married guys get awfully boring after a while. They do the same boring thing the same boring way every fucking time and they expect you to scream like a porn star. Seriously, you come home from work, totally ignore her while she chases the kids around for 4 hours, makes dinner, does the laundry, blah blah blah, and then you expect her to roll over with her legs open for another session of same-old same-old? When are you idiots going to learn that the best foreplay in the world for a woman is watching you take care of the kids, vacuum the floor, pick up the dog poo in the backyard. Or how about just listening when she talks? You know, it's not that fucking hard to stop thinking about yourself for five minutes and hear what she has to say. Think about it- way back when, when you were getting your brains fucked out on a regular basis- what were YOU doing differently than you're doing now? Planning dates, telling her she looked nice, acting like you're happy to be with her? A thousand dollars says if you do that stuff again you'll get the same result.

3. Your kids are NOT the reason you're staying married. If you were THAT miserable, you'd leave whether you had kids or not. If you're not getting a divorce it's because YOU DON'T WANT TO. For whatever reason. At least be honest and don't try to feed people that tired bullshit line about staying married for the kids. Contrary to what you think, it doesn't make you look like a poor suffering but honorable victim. You obviously don't care enough about your kids to treat their mother with enough respect not to cheat on her, and you don't care about them enough to spend time with THEM instead of some cheap whore, so cut it out with that crap. There is absolutely nothing honorable about putting your dick ahead of your kids. If you really really cared about them, you would put ALL your time and effort and money into saving the one thing that means most to them in the whole world- your marriage and their family. Otherwise you're full of shit.

4. We all know how bored you are. Poor you, someone should really come along to entertain you. What are you, fucking 12 years old? If you're bored with your marriage, it's because YOU'RE BORING, and have you ever stopped to think that if you're bored, she probably is too. But instead of throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, she's at home cleaning out the lint trap on the dryer and washing kool-aid off the kitchen floor. Yeah, she's having a fucking riot washing your underwear and cleaning up cat puke. Marriage is hard work. Hell, life is hard work. Grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for yourself. You have a brain, USE it. Put some thought into your marriage and some effort into your life and stop blaming her and being a baby because life isn't fun.

5. You're looking for someone "younger". Sure you are. Dickhead. You think you look the same as you did when you got married? I'd bet not. Even if you do, you haven't spent the last 10 years having babies (the ones YOU wanted) and sacrificing your body for them. The next time you have to have someone stitch your asshole together because your just pushed a watermelon out of your butt, then you can sqwauk. If you ever spend 9 months with your belly stretched to obscene proportions, and manage to look exactly the same as you used to 6 weeks later, then you can bitch about how she's not attractive anymore. Until then, shut the fuck up. You have no concept of what she has sacrificed to give you the children you claim to love. You really think she wants varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs? Get real. What she wants is a man who understands and values WHY she has varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs. She wants a man who loves her because she was willing to make those sacrifices with her own body because she loves HIM. Instead, you criticize and go running off with the first perky 25 year old who gives you the time of day. Asshole.

6. And finally, if you're cheating on your wife, there's something wrong with YOU. If you're not happy with your marriage, exactly how do you think fucking some slut is going to fix that? Exactly how is that going to make anyone happy? Have you ever actually heard of adultery working out really well for everyone involved? Are you actually stupid enough to think that you're going to be the exception to that rule? If so, you are delusional and you need professional help. Affairs are disasters- not some of the time, not most of the time, ALL OF THE TIME. You guilt will drive you crazy. Someone WILL find out. You will NOT be able to keep up the lies and the deception. And it will all lead up to a disaster of epic proportions, which leads me to Lucky #7.

7. Here's what you can expect in the wake of your little fuck-fest:

Divorce- this is where you lose everything- your wife, your house, half your income and possessions, possibly your job if you're stupid enough to be fucking around with a co-worker, your kids- EVERYTHING. You will LOSE IT ALL.

Exposure- this is where everyone finds out what a scumbag you are. And they WILL find out. Your boss, your co-workers, your friends, your family, HER family, your neighbors, the parents of your kids' friends, everyone at your church. They WILL find out. Why? Because your now ex-wife will tell them. She will probably tell everyone she knows, and everyone you know, and she will feel good doing it. Consider yourself lucky if she doesn't rent a billboard. Otherwise, all bets are off. Be prepared.

Your Kids- this is where you totally lose the respect of your kids, and you deserve to lose it. They will realize in pretty short order that you didn't care enough about them to keep your fucking pants on. They will see their mother cry and they will hate you for it. They will end up shuttling back and forth between their home and your apartment, and they will hate you for it. Every time they have to tell someone that their parents are divorced, they will hate you for it. And God forbid you decide to "introduce" them to your shiny new soulmate/fuckbuddy, they will REALLY hate you for that. If your kids are really young, you have a little time before all this shit hits the fan, but be warned, it's coming. They will forever see you as the moron who broke up their family. They will know that you can't be trusted, that you are weak and immoral and selfish. And they'll figure it out all by themselves, even if you never talk to them about it. Because your kids are smarter than you are at this point.

So, go ahead and whine your pathetic bullshit about how you're a victim and your wife is a horrible shrew. Do your best to convince yourself that you didn't have any choice and your wife "drove you to it." Start with the rationalizations and justifications now, you're going to need a lot of them. Remember that the best defense is a good offense and start a mental list of all the ways your wife is deficient. Make sure to re-write the history of your marriage so that you can say that you were miserable from the first day. Be sure to tell your wife that you love her, you're just not "in love" with her anymore. Deal with your guilt by lashing out at everyone around you. Above all, take no responsibility for any problems YOU may have that caused you to be such a spineless bastard in the first place.

Congratulations, you've just joined the Adulterers Club. See you in hell.

[This message edited by dday3302011 at 5:38 PM, May 14th (Monday)]


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey dday,
I don't get the gist of you posting a diatribe from a women who has been scourned!
This thread is all about the very opposite, we, the guys that are, 'thrown under the bus', betrayed and left for road kill.
What up?
MPBs
PS - of course you can post whatever you feel is pertinent. I just don't get what you are going after here.

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That diatribe was written by Eranda (a SI member) on Craigs list. I've seen the poster's request before - can someone write this from the male point of view for wives that are thinking about cheating.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he wants a man version of this up here in the man thread. Only thing is, I dont think we're so good at ranting. Would somehow make me feel somewhat (more) emasculated. Though I guess its different strokes for different folks; so go ahead rant away; I'd much rather be taking Marauder for a few swings against a choice skull... but hey, thats just me.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah the gist of it is I'd like someone to take a shot at a kick-ass rant like this from a man's perspective, then others could add to it. Kind of like a living document.

Sorry if I pissed anyone off. I know you're hurting MPB, my bad.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by wert at 10:42 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)]



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