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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
KernalSandy
♂ Member
Member # 35610
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all... have been lurking for a while and finally decided to jump in and ask you boys a question.

For a lot of guys this is an incredibly emasculating experience. Are there any of you who aren't that jealous of the other guy? Don't get me wrong, I hate the mere idea that he is allowed to exist, but none of the issues that I always thought something like this would bring up just aren't there for me.

"Was he better than me?" barely crosses my mind.

Am I just repressing? 3 months out from d-day here.


Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2012
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think for a lot of guys it is an emasculating experience. "my wife wanted his cock more than mine. I'm inadequate. I'm less desirable, he was more handsome, etc."

Part of what made the whole experience so confusing for me was that OM was nothing special. Scrawny and very average looking. Very needy and willing to cheat on his BW and daughter. Basically had no redeeming qualities. If she fell head over heels for that POS then what was I?

Once I started to understand the how's and why's of all this A-related stuff, I realized that despite FWW using me and our crappy M for her justifications and rationalizations to conduct the A, her A really had nothing to do with me.

I started to think about it in other terms. For example, if I fucked some slut with huge tits (which my wife doesn't have), would the real reason I fucked that girl be because of something my wife lacked and I needed or would it be something lacking in me? Obviously it would be something lacking in me.

That's not to say that huge tits are bad or good or that some guys may or may not like them more than other guys, but the size of a woman's tits have absolutely no bearing on whether or not someone decides to cheat on their wife.

I don't know if OM had a huge dick or not, I've never asked and it really doesn't matter. What I do know and what does matter is that despite what FWW told herself to make it okay to start fucking another guy while she was still married to me, in no way was it a reflection on me or OM. It was a reflection of how poorly FWW felt about herself and the lengths she was willing to go to fill her own voids.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From everything I've read, oddly enough post-nups in NJ are taken pretty seriously provided they're done right. NJ isn't so bad, just that you worry more about lawyers and police than you do about criminals around here. They all aren't bad guys but there are so many of them they make the good ones shine and hard to not be biased.

Kernal, I realized pretty quick OM was fairly worthless. The only part that bugs me is his donkey dick but, whatever at this point. The real stab is what my wife thought of me. The other guy didn't emasculate me, my wife did. I mean if it was that simple I'd just go stuff his head up his ass and roll him down a hill to the tune of Black Betty.

dday said it well:

would it be something lacking in me? Obviously it would be something lacking in me.

Her opinion of me is the sticking point, what the OM is has no very little headspace other than, like you said, existing. Even the "Was he better than me" questions are couched in "Why did she think he was better than me at the time?" structures.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, it is emasculating-I told none of my friends at first, then I mentioned it to one buddy, and guess what? He'd gone thru it, he even paid OM's rent one time(he had no idea his buddy OM was doing his wife while he was at work).

It happens to just about everyone, I think.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
KernalSandy
♂ Member
Member # 35610
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems like that sentiment might vary from situation to situation. I read that a lot of women will "cheat-up" (e.g. with a boss or a community leader) and I can see how that might raise more issues of inadequacy for someone. In your case it sounds readily apparent that she wasn't "cheating up."

In my case, I know my wife was very drunk (and maybe high), because I talked to her on the phone that night. She is an awful lover when she's in that state so, I'm confident that he got the worst possible performance out of her. He's also supposed to be a creep and, from his LinkedIn profile, appears to be incapable of making sales a quota (8 companies in 10 years). Not jealous (but I wouldn't mind if he was hit by a bus tomorrow).

And that makes it much harder to consider reconciliation for a different set of reasons. It isn't, as you said, about me or him, "it was a reflection of how poorly FWW felt about herself and the lengths she was willing to go to fill her own voids." I clearly do love her, but do I really want to reconcile with someone who is that damaged?

It all comes down to impulse control. She may never cheat again, but who's to say she won't try heroin next time I fail to read her mind and fill her voids. I feel like I don't know this woman from a hole in the ground.


Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2012
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of you are on the mark, but I must admit that I did not ever question my masculinity.
I questioned why she had to cheat and continue to keep it a total secret even up to her testimony last month in court. That's when she finally admitted to being with this asshole since 2006 and, also admitting that he was at my house while my kids were there, BUT, it doesn't impact, (well, according to the law), on the judge's final opinion. I'm hoping the opposite.
You see, we all have very similiar experiences with Wsluts, but we are all somewhat different.
The point about cheating and especially when there are no indications or pressing issues with the marriage, is that the Wslut, (male or female), made that decision on their own.
This piece of shit I married probably has been with multiple men and I have more than minimal proof of that.
Doesn't by any means deter or diminish the actions of the asshole she has been screwing on a regular basis.
They both have issues, but also, they both know they can basically destroy everything they have and the LAW, cares more about issuing parking tickets, than protecting society, (by example I must add), from a continual removal, thread by thread of the basic fabric that makes us a strong nation or moral people.
I truly do fear that we are very close to another Noah's Ark! I have plenty of trees. Anyone want to start building?
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her opinion of me is the sticking point, what the OM is has no very little headspace other than, like you said, existing. Even the "Was he better than me" questions are couched in "Why did she think he was better than me at the time?" structures.

This really resonated with me SG. In many ways because FWW and I had stopped communicating in meaningful ways and had built up so much anger and resentment to one another prior to her A, I understand how she thought OM was better than me. He didn't have to do much for her to consider him better than me, other than pay attention to her. Once that happened and he made his initial move the A was a certainty. I'd basically checked out of our M already and FWW obviously did too.

It must be infinitely harder to not feel emasculated and to feel safe again for BH's who thought they were in good M's and who thought they had good communication with their W's.

I read a lot of the posts in General or JFO where the BS says exactly that. "Our M was great!". I'm not sure if that's true in most cases or not but I believe it usually isn't. A different kind of "fog" perhaps?

I know for my FWW the A was her god-awful way of not dealing with our shitty M and an opportunity to get her "needs met", because I obviously didn't care enough anymore to.

I've posted this before, and hopefully someone here can link to the story, but there's a thread on SI where a BH was considering having a RA. He went into some chat rooms and started messaging women, many of who were married. A lot of his interactions were amazingly similar with these married women. They'd say something like, "my husband doesn't pay attention to me anymore", or "I feel like the spark is gone". His replies were always very mundane, "Oh you must feel pretty lonely, everyone deserves to be noticed". These women would immediately glom on to this guy. "You really seem to understand me", "I feel like we might be soulmates", "I've never felt this way before". The guy was like "What the fuck? This can't be that easy."

I guess the moral to the story is that many waywards are simply desperate people. They have bad M's and don't see a way out. They haven't found somebody wonderful, someone better than you, or someone with any redeeming qualities at all other than a willingness to pay attention to them. It doesn't matter though because the WS is going to attach all kinds of attributes and superlatives to the AP in order to get their "needs met".

Sometimes you get unlucky though, like SG. The guy had a horse-cock. So what? Is your wife a size queen? I doubt it. My wife's AP wrote all kinds of poetry to her that she thought was so special. Was she into poetry? Fuck no, she hadn't read a poem since 12th grade English class, but all of a sudden AP's bullshit poetry became something irreplaceable and critical to her "happiness".

It's delusional bullshit they tell themselves to get by and ease the guilt and shame of it all. Was the guy better than me? Did he have a bigger dick? Did he really make her feel like she never felt before? I doubt it, but who knows and who fucking cares? Regardless she got to a place where she was willing to have an A and that's really all that matters.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
knotuntied
♂ New Member
Member # 35609
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KernalSandy I found out about the affair about a month ago and can honestly say I'm not one bit jealous of the other guy. I think I feel pitty, for both of them. Right is right and wrong is wrong. I take comfort in knowing that they were both in the wrong and nothing good can come of it for either of them. I'm more worried about me at this point and could care less about them.



Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Texas
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine was cheating up, her OMM was a GQ type law school grad w/a big house on the river. She was drinking so heavily that I doubt she can remember how or if he was any good.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that a lot of women will "cheat-up" (e.g. with a boss or a community leader)

I would say it is impossible to cheat up. One needs to compromise themselves to cheat, period. OM (or OW for that matter) may have lots of societal success, whatever. It is the compromising of principal, lying and deception that makes up the moral transgression and hurts. Riding a penis is not really all that special or unique. The OM, must value himself pretty low in order to play a part in the destruction of trust, love and a family. No, I don't believe anyone affairs up. I have said this many times...I am truly glad that i don't have to wake up every day and look myself in the mirror knowing I made those decisions...

It must be infinitely harder to not feel emasculated and to feel safe again for BH's who thought they were in good M's and who thought they had good communication with their W's.

It was hard. I did not check out and was a very good H. Great provider, better father and an excellent partner. My WW was selfish, greedy and self serving. That is who she is. I think those things are changing now which is why I am giving her another shot. It took me a while to not take that stuff personally, but I truly don't now. There was a great relief when it dawned on me that it was all her.
In some ways comparing hurt, grief even experience is impossible. That said, I can proudly say I did not check out. It was her. I many ways I think, in the long run, it is more difficult for the men who did check out. They can see how they contributed. Don't get me wrong, WW's did it. They made the choices. But if you look back and think you weren't there, the finger on some level, for the lacking relationship lies with the man. That would make it more difficult for me.

take care....




Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kernal, may you feel a welcome here.
You may be half the man you were, but you'll always be twice the man the OM is.
Asking if you're repressing automatically means your least likely to. You just know it. Inside.

In my relationship, there was no filling her voids. It sank from too many passengers.


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OM, must value himself pretty low in order to play a part in the destruction of trust, love and a family. No, I don't believe anyone affairs up.

I couldn't agree with this more. I don't care if any AP, man or woman tells themselves that it was ok or that they've finally found true love. They know what they did and they how awful it was. They can deny and ignore it all they want but they will always know how shitty they are.

In some ways comparing hurt, grief even experience is impossible. That said, I can proudly say I did not check out. It was her. I many ways I think, in the long run, it is more difficult for the men who did check out. They can see how they contributed. Don't get me wrong, WW's did it. They made the choices. But if you look back and think you weren't there, the finger on some level, for the lacking relationship lies with the man.

You're right Wert, comparing pain is useless and impossible. I understand your point though, you were there and you didn't check out. I guess I do feel like I lost some integrity in relation to how I was handling my M prior to and during FWW's A. FWW is a terrible liar and for her to carry on the A for almost a year, I had to really have my head up my ass and not have paid attention or cared much at all. That's definitely true. Sometimes I wonder if I still do care of if I'm just trying to rationalize my way back into a M that was already over for the sake of my kids.

That's the unanswerable question right now. I look at FWW sometimes and just think "eh, why bother?". Because she's changed? Because she's owned up to everything and wants to make amends? Because she's worked hard and been remorseful? Because I love her? I'm not sure if I do anymore. That might not be a new thing.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that a lot of women will "cheat-up" (e.g. with a boss or a community leader)

With wert on this, but to add to what he said, in order for me to feel like my wife cheated "up" she'd have to been fucking a guy who excelled at the virtues I aspire to. That includes honesty and loyalty, reliability, trustworthiness, etc. That's a logical impossibility.

If she'd decided we needed to get a D then found some dude like that, then yeah, I could see the trading-up thing get itself legs to kick me in the nuts, though.


Sometimes you get unlucky though, like SG. The guy had a horse-cock. So what?

Like I said, it bugged the hell out of me but isn't really an issue anymore. Was mostly because I stumbled into pics, so it was seared into my brain. I'm sure a bigger dick was fun but if I was desperately insecure about those extra couple inches I'd go get my dick sewn up bigger or something. Maybe have a smaller one inside it, that popped out like the little miniature head in the aliens when they cornered someone to gobble their skull, if they were already in there fucking around. Or even implant cyborg parts. I could be a new superhero. Lasercock. Pew pew, fuckers!

Anyway. Maybe it is jealousy, but I have a hard time placing it there when it feels more like a blow to self-confidence and self-respect. Could have been any dude, which makes it hard to care enough to be jealous.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look at FWW sometimes and just think "eh, why bother?"

This really sucks rocks but I am heading that way. I am really hope she goes the extra mile to make me happy (I am by my self but you know what I am saying) otherwise things might not pan out. She is pretty cool in a lot of ways but at this point needs to be pretty awesome if you know what I mean. I can talk the emotive stuff and lay the pipe...a nice package for someone out there that really cares...Ok testosterone gone..back to caring mode....

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Men, I want to poll you.

Do you think men need sex often?

Sex meaning with your woman, a woman or masterbation?

Me, I need it yes. And a few time each week.

TIA...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could be a new superhero. Lasercock. Pew pew, fuckers!


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35369 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, don't bring that Dr. Laura shit here.

Also, I want sex a lot more than my wife.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 2:37 PM, May 18th (Friday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillGoing
Why beat up on a woman who wants to teach woman what you need?

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, speaking as a man, I need more than sex and a sandwich.

I guess it's relevant to betrayed men. I beat up on her because she's a cheater who justifies her behavior, racist and homophobic. I don't need her to tell women what I want, I'm more than capable of doing that myself.

Really, the last person I want telling women what men want is another woman, who is a remorseless cheater.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, speaking as a man, I need more than sex and a sandwich.

I was getting a little worked up until I read that

Why beat up on a woman who wants to teach woman what you need?

Because it is over simplified crap. More to the point it is not what I need. It is a part of what I want is a relationship. And I don't want her teaching women that because if I come across one I would like to date someday, I don't want her thinking I am a wind up doll and if you put you ankles behind your ears while somehow making me curry I will walk over hot coals for you....

I am not that simple. Yes we should be attractive to each other, but about 3 millions things about me are attractive. Reducing the human condition down to two or three things just doesn't make sense to me.



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
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