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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any advice for the financial stuff. My co worker switched to using cash for everything. Cashed his pay checks, paid rent in cash, used a PO box. Like running a pizza place I guess, no electronic trail.

Why isn't your lawyer slowing that shit down? Is he even doing his job?


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillGoing,
The divorce trial is over. Now waiting for the judge's oral decision, (another court date $$$).
My divorce lawyer is also representing me in the civil law suit by my asshole soon to be ex Father in Law.
So, the legal bills will continue. My only hope is that I win the civil suit and reclaim some of my losses.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember back in my early days here on SI reading all of the betrayed men forums and for a while there was a group of dudes talking about perspective on the A. Basically the point was, you have to get to a point in your mind that the OM is just like any other man your wife slept with before you met her. Do you think about your WW's ex-boyfriend's or ex-husband's at all? Maybe very rarely and only for a second. I mean who cares anymore?

I've tried to do this... and nope, just doesn't 'work' for me. The betrayal aspect just doesn't allow for it. I fully realize and acknowledge by fWW's A was mostly about the emotional aspect, and the PA was not what she was in it for... but still, having a REALLY hard fucking time getting past what she did with him.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mainly a lurker but DWBH's post got me thinking.
In a few days it will be the anti-versary of the first time she slept with OM 7 years ago (timeline told me so). Shortly after that is my 3rd anti-versary of DDay. Even with all the passage of time I still have trouble "getting past" what she did also.
We were onlies so there is no way to think about anybody else she did before. He was her choice not me.
Things are better now at 3 years. Better in that she is remorseful, trying hard and all the rest but I'm realizing here lately that I'm never going to be close to the person I was before. Much more prone to stop BS in it's tracks....Don't take anything off of anyone when I know I'm right, which has nearly cost me my job a few times. But most of all I'm sad. No great epiphany's here or words of wisdom just a sort of "where I'm at". I still have an incredibly hard time trying to get past what has happened but I've also sort of learned to deal with life as it is and I truly believe that just having the roller-coaster ride slow down is enough for me right now. Peace to all of us.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't work for me either, DWBH, but that's because we didn't have any ex'es we'd slept with.

Yeah I know I'm a special kind of dumbass for that too.

Maybe that's why I still can't get it completely the fuck out like I want. I know someone's thinking easily solved by fucking someone else, setting aside working out the logistics of doing that without cheating, but the idea of my dick in another woman is about as appealing as my dick in a jar of peanut butter after I contract an allergy to peanut oil. I really don't want to go round the whole game again just to get perspective, it isn't an option anyway, so I work within the context I got, which doesn't leave a lot of room.

Atheist also so I can't go that route, amusing as it is to be an atheist and attached to the same woman from the age of 16 to 35. Sometimes I feel like a T-Rex who sticks to the vegetarian menu.

Not the vegan menu, fuck that. Gelato is pretty cool. I think a T-rex would be cool with gelato.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey DWBH, I understand where you're at. I was there too. My wife did basically anything the OM wanted sexually so I had a lot to deal with. I remember reading the thread I mentioned about ex-BF's last year and thinking that I'd never be able to get to that point. But you know what? I'm almost there.

There are many aspects of A's that are like that. That's why long time members always mention time as such a key ingredient to surviving this shit. Things do get better. You do start to feel better and stop obsessing.

I'm certainly not a veteran on these boards, but I'm way healthier now than I was even a couple of months ago. Last year seems like an eternity ago. I was basically pissed the fuck off everyday last year. Even on days when I wasn't that pissed, I would obsess and think about her A non-stop.

The pain, suffering, and anger has started to get to the point of "enough is enough". I have my moments still, but overall it seems like my brain had enough of the mental gymnastics and parsing over things again and again. I guess most people call it healing. It might be forgetting, rugsweeping, whatever. All I know is that I feel better and there were many times over the first year that I didn't think that was possible.

Be well DW. It will get better.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the idea of my dick in another woman is about as appealing as my dick in a jar of peanut butter after I contract an allergy to peanut oil

I don't feel this way at all SG. In fact it's very appealing to me. I won't do it but to say that it isn't appealing would be delusional in my case. I won't do it because of my self-respect.

I'd like to pimp slap certain members of my state and federal government too. Doesn't mean I'm going to but it would be nice.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's obvious I'm not normal. I don't know why the idea doesn't appeal. Trust issues, I guess.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I Have Clutched

Cúchulainn’s spear and bent it.
Have marched through weeds snicking my knees
Keltic ass-kicking boots the sound
Shiss shiss snick
I’m headed to battle with self.
Gripped self like the spear is bent
Let it go
To war and happy mayhem I go
Let it go
When knuckles release giving soul brief surcease
Then tears unreleased fa nigh!
They flow.
Embrace the war anger,
Its healing
Raw throat shouts the battle cry’s feeling
Spear clanged on the ground
Silenced killing ground’s sound
I’d never known silence cept I held it.
Grip it. Grip it tightly. It’s the only way
to let it go.



Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find the anti-peanut butter bias in this thread appalling.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Maybe it's lashing out bc they bought a jar of Jiffy, thinking it was LUBE< I dunno.

I think that organic stuff works better, you know, where the oil floats on top?
Make sure to warm it up in the microwave first...not too hot though.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct,
Beautiful man! Loved that eloquent and powerful overview of how to deal with anger, (another synonym for betrayal in the form of war). Yes, war against the obvious enemy.
Now, don't misunderstand me here everyone, my war is somewhat unique. That is, she is and continue to be the enemy by persecuting myself and the boys via conscious indifference.
She intends to either marry or be with this low life LEO, (what a laugh), and bury me through litigation and emotional control.
For instance, Sunday, Father's day, she intends to take the boys to her amoral parent's condo for an overnight Saturday. Then have breakfast with her parents Sunday morning and then bring them home to me.
I told her, no, they will be with me for breakfast Sunday morning. Their Grandfather is not their Father.
I know she will not honor this, but there is no time to get a court order to stop her.
This is her way of controlling all of us.
So, in the end, I'm definitely in a, 'state of war', and she and her Father are the enemy.
By the way, I've updated my profile blog if any of you want to go back and read the next, great, horror novel.
Near broke, living on borrowed pension money and still living in the same house. Her, does what she wants, whenever. Her Father pays all her counsel fees, (very wealthy family).
So, jjct, tell me a story of an army near defeat, but one that manages to win the battle and go on to build a righteous empire.
Best to you all,
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's obvious I'm not normal. I don't know why the idea doesn't appeal. Trust issues, I guess.

There is no such thing as normal,IMO. There are generalizations and stereotypes. Here's one thing, about me, that isn't "normal": I've never had sex with a woman I wasn't in love with, and never would/could. Fantasy is one thing... but actually acting on it is a whole other. I've had plenty of opportunities in single life to have casual sex, and never chose to. And no, it's not a religious thing at all. Just the way I'm built. Sex is a very emotional thing for me, most times... ESPECIALLY with my wife. We often joke about how our brains are wired cross-gender in terms of sex... for most of her life, it's been just about 'getting off'. It wasn't until VERY recently that she told me she finally understood what the term "making love" actually was... felt that strong emotional bond during sex. It was WONDERFUL!

I don't have much to bitch about, in terms of the sexual experiences my fWW had during her A. They were fairly limited, not very good, awkward, and only consisted of about 3 incidents. It's just that one of those incidents involved an act she's rarely done for me, which is the thing I'm struggling most with. Why she chose to do that with him is really baffling to me, and it was, in her words "the last nasty secret she had; the thing she feared telling me the most". Understandable...

[This message edited by DWBH at 9:32 AM, June 14th (Thursday)]


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DWBH,
You are blessed with a woman who still appears to have a soul and conscience.
I too, heard the tramp talking with her boyfriend during one of her facetime chats about the type of sex they were having and could not believe that she did those things with him and would never do with me. That does hurt and I they not to think about her whoring ways. Just does more damage to me.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm all about natural peanut butter. Nuke it like the man said, drop some vanilla ice cream on it.

So, jjct, tell me a story of an army near defeat, but one that manages to win the battle and go on to build a righteous empire.

I know you asked jjct but I can't keep my mouth shut. I love military history of the ancient world and want to chatter about Charles Martel or Edward the Black Prince but the Battle off Samar is probably closer to home.

Adm. William Halsey, Jr. was lured into taking his powerful 3rd Fleet after a decoy fleet, leaving only three escort carrier groups of the 7th Fleet in the area. A Japanese surface force of battleships and cruisers, battered earlier in the larger battle and thought to have been in retreat, instead turned around unobserved and stumbled upon the northernmost of the three groups, Task Unit 77.4.3 ("Taffy 3"), commanded by Rear Admiral Clifton Sprague. Taffy 3's few destroyers and slower destroyer escorts possessed neither the firepower nor armor to effectively oppose the Japanese force, but nevertheless desperately attacked with 5 in (130 mm)/38 cal guns and torpedoes to cover the retreat of their slow "jeep" carriers. Aircraft from the carriers of Taffy 1, 2, and 3, including FM-2 Wildcats, F6F Hellcats and TBM Avengers, strafed, bombed, torpedoed, rocketed, depth-charged, fired at least one .38 caliber handgun and made numerous "dry" runs at the attacking force when they ran out of ammunition.[3] [4]

Sprague's task unit lost two escort carriers, two destroyers, a destroyer escort and dozens of aircraft. Over a thousand Americans died, comparable to the combined losses of men and ships at the better known Battles of the Coral Sea and Midway. But in exchange for the heavy losses for such a small force, they sank or disabled three Japanese cruisers and caused enough confusion to persuade the Japanese commander, Vice Admiral Takeo Kurita, to regroup and ultimately withdraw, rather than advancing to sink troop and supply ships at Leyte Gulf. In the combined Battle of Leyte Gulf, 10,000 Japanese sailors and 3,000 Americans died. Although the battleship Yamato and the remaining force returned to Japan, the battles marked the "Death of the Japanese Navy", as the ships would remain in port for most of the rest of the war and cease to be an effective naval force.[5]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_off_samar

Unprepared and outgunned, they went at it with everything they had anyway and turned the enemy back.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are blessed with a woman who still appears to have a soul and conscience.

Yes, thanks, I agree... our R is going very well, but I'm kinda caught in the love/hate vortex... waffling between my deep love for her, and the abhorrence & shock of what she did during the A.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unprepared and outgunned, they went at it with everything they had anyway and turned the enemy back.

There's your poem.
Made my shirt wet. Anyway

...there's thousands of stories like that. Write yours.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillGoing,
Bravo. What a pertinent and succinct way to answer my query.
We have such a preponderance of knowledgeable, intelligent BHs on this site. It's just amazing, and uplifting.
I suspect we all have a great love for this country and the sacrifices endured by our predecessors.
Thanks for the great history lesson and let us all continue to fight the, 'the good fight'.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, thanks, I agree... our R is going very well, but I'm kinda caught in the love/hate vortex... waffling between my deep love for her, and the abhorrence & shock of what she did during the A.

You're pretty much the same as me in terms of DDay and trickle truth, and I feel pretty much the same way too.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1279 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never had sex with a woman I wasn't in love with, and never would/could

Maybe our WW like when men are bad boys. Those that would do that. And when we detach and are ready to move on suddenly we are attractive again.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
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