I have read almost everything starting with Betrayed Men - Part 3 up to here.
I'm not a joiner... I tried posting once before on another forum but the vibe wasn't the same. So I'm here basically for a "peer review" before I decide on D or R or life in Limbo.
In 2009/2010 wife cheated with one of my best friends who I worked with. ( and at least 8 others to varying degrees)
We have a little girl who is now 8.
There were many reasons I chose to stay at the time, but primarily it was fear. Fear of how my little girl would survive and fear of the court system. I also really do love my wife, but if it weren’t for my girl I would have bolted and …..well let’s just say I’d have a large marble collection draggin from the handlebars
Now I'm fairly certain that the damage to my girl is greater than the benefits of having a "normal" family or any potential for my wife to make amends.
I don't have my whole story in my profile yet ... it' just way too long.. too many setbacks.. too many lies.. just too many people
When I first found out it was just a simple examination of our joint phone bill details to find out why we kept going over our plan min. But why was there 2000 txts and phone calls to a number I recognized ? It wasn't family and I don't really remember numbers I just program them in, givem a funny name and forget about it. The next morning I went to work and the thought hit me that I should find out who that number was..... turned out it was my buddies cell number...I got up and headed home.. on the way out my boss stopped me to ask me some status or something so it took me 10 or 15 min longer to get home ( this will be noteworthy in a few lines)
I got home .. asked if there was something she needed to talk about.. she said no.. I said last chance...she said no.. asked what the deal was with the phone numbers ... got the words that would be repeated over and over again for years.. I hate these words.. I used to think that when I heard them from somebody it meant they were probably the smartest guy in the room.
She said "I don't know"
I picked up her phone (we have shared our passwords with each other for 15 years)
She didn't try to stop me I read the first 5 txts and realized I just missed catching them together in my living room by 10 min. I looked in the corner at my shotgun and machete just innocently standing there. 10 min sooner and I know I would have been in jail for life.
I asked Why.. another word that has previously served my so well in life but that I cringe now when I hear it.
Of course she said "I don't know"
I started to read more on her phone.. asking questions as I went (once she tried to take it from me but I didn't let go)
She got on her knees in front of me and cried ( no sobs) and tried to hug me. I told her to fuckin leave get out of my house or I'll put you out myself (strange but I think of the Flintstones at this point) She refused to go. I got up and kept reading and asking questions.
She started to answer them I thought truthfully turned out most where lies
I had only been looking at things from him but I came across some other red flag words as I was scrolling thru.. cock, steamy, cum, ...
these were different numbers. different men, pictures sent and received... I started asking more questions.. ans din't make sense.. the dreaded "I don't know" over and over I was getting so angry
Boom .. 6 yr old girl comes into the house from school... saved once again by timing.
My girls ( I have one in college as well) are really the biggest successes in my life. Smart, funny , pretty, logical(how did that happen?)
We put the conversation on hold wife sat in a stupor on the couch, I became supper sleuth.
that night ( and for a months after) I did't sleep. I spent nearly a month surviving on beer and emotion and only sleeping when I passed out in my desk chair. the next day Tuesday, I called in to work and stayed home to confront her on the stuff I found.
I'm in IT and I know my way around. I found, recovered, extracted... 40,000 txt messages ( about 50/50 split incoming and outgoing) thousands of emails. hundreds of Facebook posts and private chats, My space, IM logs,
there were some gaps but I was able to build a good profile with all that data and construct a time line and .................
Needless to say Tuesday morning I knew she lied about some of the things she said the previous day. I found at least 9 guys on a consistant basis.
2 were definitely getting blowjobs at work (she always seemed to get the best concert tickets for free)
4 where asking for hookup times ( she claims no PA)
3 where her clients for work ( sales person)
1 was our daycare providers husband
1 was her physical therapist ( she had car accident in 07)
3 where old fiends from school days
1 was just kissing after aunts funeral
all where txting, Facebook, phone conversations, videos, emails..you name it they were jackin off to it.. ( that seemed to be the goal for her)
1 was my best friend at work 10 years we worked together kids were best fiends, ever other weekend we all did things together, camping, parties, shared birthdays bike trips,concerts, weekly rides for hours at a time you get the picture. She admired she was fucking him couple times each week. (well first she only admitted to a drunken hookup on New Years eve) later over the next month as I walked her through the facts I had she admitted more but only if I had proof of something
She only surprised me with one fact ( driving to one guys work 1.5 hours away with the kids (boy 9 girl 5), leaving them in the car at a mall and visiting him) then going back the next day for a date after going to aunts funeral.
I did not tell her everything I found. Other than one thing she hasn't admitted to anything I didn't have proof of.
So back to the day after d-day. I had her get in the car with me and I proceeded to visit every one of the bastard fuckhead I could find.
First I went to the therapists office had her go in with me. He was treating a group of 5 or 10 people all in one be treatment room I walked up to him and asked him in front of his patients if he wanted all the pictures and videos of his cock back ( he would't ans me) I backed him up to the wall and asked him if there was any reason I should't just kick his ass right then and there... he ran away. I found out that his boss was out of the country so I left a msg for him with the nurse and said he needed to fire this guy ... How can he employ people in a position of of trust that does this crap. ( he got canned I guess I could have pursued it even more gotten his licences suspended but I was too busy with all the others)
I then went to her work and confronted one of here co-workers in their office this was a downtown business district I told him he could stand there like a man and take a punch or I would tell his fiance .. he ran into the street.(there were cops out there) they kicked me out of the building
I couldn't find any of the others so I called my buddy and his wife and asked them to meet me at a local mcdondls ( I work in a secured facility with both of them so it wasn't a good idea to bring it to my work) He never showed up she did. told my wife to tell his wife what was going on. She simply said she had an affair with your husband. the other wife thought we were joking and didn't believe it I offered the proof but she didn't want it she left.
couldn't find anybody else so I drove 1.5 hours to this other guys work and went inside the mall ( he is a bank teller .. ya I know stupid) luckly the bank had just closed so I only got to glare at him through the window.. bank guards came to investigate I was just about ready to push the issue and got a tad smarter and left. I waited outside for him to come out .. over an hour and no-show so that was a bust.. she wouldn't tell me where he lived
wow this seems like a lot of stuff and I haven't even gotten half way through the first week after d-day
So the last confrontation I had with the fuckheads put an end to my marble gathering quest. It was at work. I tried to do it differently cause they have guns there and I wanted to keep my job. I went to HR with the data I collected showing that my buddy had been txting, talking and taking time off to visit my wife in his truck, our car, hotels... basically I tried to show that he mis-charged time to a government contract. They didn't care. They asked me to take a weeks vacation and if they could put our desks in different places. They told me that I should avoid contact at work .. I knew this but..... he wouldn't meet me. I told my other friends at work ( same 10 years of history shared trips, lunch and breakfast everyday....) Most of them decided to keep thier mouths shut one tried to give me advise to just blame the old lady a it wasn't our friends fault I told him that he could choose I would rather be shit on than associate with him if he was still buds with the fuckhead.. I should have realized that since they were new "brothers" in a bike club ( I wouldn't join.. I don't join anything) that I was the expendable friend.
Any way so since I reported it to HR these fuckheads OM BW or other friend ( they were all interviewed) claimed that I threatened to take out the facility where we worked. complete bullshit at that time I was so mad I would probably cut the fuckers stones off and mailed them to his mother but never even considered taking it out on other people. There was an investigation, more crazy tests, time off from work and I was cleared... but what the fuck no consequences for false accusations?
So it finally happened I saw him in the hall at work. I stared him down ( he was talking to a bunch of people in the coffee line) when I got to him I tried to keep my mouth shut but ... no dice.. I asked him if he had gotten the taste of my wife's ass out of his mouth yet. everybody laughed .. he said he wanted to meet me out side and kick my ass.. I said anytime fucker.
So one of my colleges .. a woman.. grabbed my by the arm and led me away.
got called to in to HR ... got another week off so they could deliberate... they brought me back into work and said because I said anytime in response to his threats that the zero tolerance policy didn't matter I could keep my job but only if we never spoke again ..My manager told me to put my head down if I saw him in the hall again .. ya you might have guessed .. I told him I would never do that to anybody...
I transferd to another state 5 hours away basically so that I could have a drink now and then without fear of making a drunken trip to his house. I know I won't risk hurting my girls and their future sober but I don't want to chance the drunk me. For some reason I seem to be able to stop myself from getting in my car or on my bike when I'm drunk but that didn't stop me from walking there.. ( 10 miles away .. I got to 5 miles before being captured by family and brought home)
Lesson here... i don't know but you can make the little businessmen fire their people for being fucktards and tarnishing their reputations .. but corporate shits are all to worried about being so politically correct they end up sacrificing something on the morels front. It helped me that I remained employed but so did he.....
So 2 years + and I'm fluctuating between Rage and Hate and indiffence for my wife (but for entirely different reasons than the A)
Please don't mis-understand. I'm not a drunken angry violent person. Other than those situations above (almost all in 8 hours) I have never gone an looked for a fight. Until this happened I was always the happy guy at the end of the bar laughing at anything remotely funny. I would certainly take some of these fuckheads out if it had no legal ramifications or at the very least piss on their graves.
I drink 3 beers almost every day but I have been drunk 2 or 3 times in the last year. when I say drunk 6-8 beers.. not like after d-day.. when it was 12, 18, and cases a day
I guess that what I am looking for here is to some inputs to help me decide the next steps. its been 2 plus years. I used up 3 or 4 months of the first year investigating and wallowing in crap. I used up a year or so in false recovery.. mainly trying on my own to make it work ( wife does make some efforts but they are hidden from me not many outward signs) the last 6 months or so I have been doing mostly a 180. and trying to convince myself of some good enough reasons to be in limbo world till my youngest graduates.