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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dustnbones, is there any reason you want to R with this woman? I think you pretty much managed as much closure as any BH gets with OM and still keeping out of jail (therapist confrontation had me grinning, I admit it) but if your wife isn't doing much of anything for your marriage why stay in it?

I agree that the potential damage to a kid is worse than the benefits of a normal family, but do you even have a normal family to give her at this point? Get a lawyer and figure out where you stand legally, imo.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7115 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often find myself happy and excited when we have new members like dustnbones posting here.

Then I think to myself, "what the fuck are you happy about? I know he's funny and kind of a bad-ass but his wife fucks other guys and treats him like shit, that's the only reason he's here".

Man sometimes this shit is so depressing.

Welcome to the greatest club you never wanted to join dustnbones. Thanks for sharing your story.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dustnbones,

Sorry your here man. Then again, we all are. Like you, I'm not forum type guy, never had a social media account, definitely never engaged in online discussions in a forum. But this site is working for me - I would have D'd right away if I didn't find it. And don't worry about the long posts.

There are some really good guys on this site and the collective wisdom is hard to beat. Up to you what you take or leave. You're in a really F'd situation, the only thing I would suggest right now is that you realize that you don't have to do anything. Not right now. Breath, have a beer, post.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello dustnbones,
Welcome to the men's shit sandwich club. We didn't make it, but we're forced to eat it.

Is your WS NC now? No more affairs? Fully transparent (all passwords, phones, GPS, VAR, etc.etc.)? Are you even interested in R?

Sorry to see you here. This is truly the worst place in the world. Sounds more like you're in the famous LimboLand so many of us live in today. I'll raise my beer to you tonight, brother.


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 701 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
dustnbones
♂ New Member
Member # 36195
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Closure.. yes best I'm gonna get for now.. but I still don't acually have any marbles in my collection..........................


As far as my little one is concerned ...........I'm well I'm ......I'm thinkin..............so little more to the story. My older girl was from my first marrage at age 19. Her mother got pregnant, I got married, she loved the janator at the department store that she worked at..... I got custody ( miricle in NY state in the early 90's for dad to be raising kids alone)

a few years later I met my current wife. She raised my oldest daughter from the time she was 4 til now. fuck it I don't know how to explain .. but I have 2 kids from my first marrage 1 girl 1 boy. I don't know if my boy is fucked up because of me or because I didn't put enough effort into trying to reconsile with his mother . I let my current wife raise my son and my older daughter with me. Maybe I did it wrong the first time.

Although my older girl turned out wonderful, she has told me that some times she wishes I had not met my current wife and that I had raised her myself. My son .. well I love him cause he is my son but ....... he is .. ......I'm ashamed of him.. did I abdicate my role as parent to work for $ 70 hrs a week and let him be mothered by this lieing manipulative bitch ..........................Truth is I don't know were I failed my son, so how do I know where I might fail my youngest girl.......


So in ans to why do a R with this woman...........

WAL


like I said I read everything, his story, his writing his R gives me a sliver of hope that sometimes you can fix stupid.


If I have to have a label and join a club...I'm the BH

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: 5 hours away and still too close for comfort
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

his writing his R gives me a sliver of hope that sometimes you can fix stupid.

If WAL can do it anyone can.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
dustnbones
♂ New Member
Member # 36195
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the welcome

That last post was in response to stillgoing

Dday
since i have been reading from si for the last six months i get what your saying btw i was from the northeast .. now im from central east coast wishing i could get trasferd to Australia ..

Tred
Im now from crab country to your east..... beer is great and I'll try to breath between sips

Meadiumrare

Ya i got all the traking angles covered.. i really dont think there was any lovefest going on and there has been no trackable contact. She just cant say no...i thought it was only for me but i was wrong


If I have to have a label and join a club...I'm the BH

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: 5 hours away and still too close for comfort
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you man. Sorry if I came out of the gate too heavy. I will raise a beer tonight as well. These guys are good company.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7115 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope that sometimes you can fix stupid

Sorry man, but you can't fix stupid. They either fix themselves or they don't. From what I've seen here WAL's wife put in some work. You can only do your part - and that is all focused on you.

Sorry you need to be here dustnbones.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome dustnbones...though I think "Gladiator" in mental parentheses.
The Wye river has the best Jimmies. Number 1. Just sayin...

My stbx couldn't say no either, and I got a lot of histrionic acting.
Is she remorseful, or just acting? That was hard for me to figure out...once I got it, it was like a "knowing" came over me. A certainty and peace.
The members here who grew up in homes where the parents "stayed together for the kids" consistently report it wasn't a good deal.

My 1st xww screwed up my sons' development too. They both got in trouble.
They're straightening out now, which I'm thankful for.

If you can, even in a general way explain this:

I'm fluctuating between Rage and Hate and indiffence for my wife (but for entirely different reasons than the A)

Umm, it's not that you don't have enough reason, given her apparent nymphomania...but man...
You've dealt with a load here!
What the hell else can there be?


Posts: 6020 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dustnbones,

Hear ya. There's a river over there in Oxford. I honeymooned there, thus, my name (you heard it hear first).

It's a good night to drink a beer. Stay thirsty my friends.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dustnbones,

Welcome to the club, still working on the tee shirts. They will be available in any color you want as long as you want black.

So I'm here basically for a "peer review" before I decide on D or R or life in Limbo
.
Ok then, I'll take a whack at it. First things first...
So 2 years + and I'm fluctuating between Rage and Hate and indiffence for my wife

That certainly doesn't seem like the best way to live your life my man, and I know the feeling, believe me. So what are you working on doing about that?

I liked hearing about the "marble hunt". God damn that sounded fucking satisfying. If I could go back in time I think I would like to take a couple of pages from your book on that one. Not doing more to confront my wife's OM is probably one of my biggest regrets, and it's definitely become one of the issues I am still having a hard time working through . That being said though, as much as I envy your "marble hunt", as satisfying as it sounds, it doesn't really do anything to adress this central issue:

So 2 years + and I'm fluctuating between Rage and Hate and indiffence for my wife

Does it?

I mean you could cut the balls off of all of those guys and I imagine it would bring you all kinds of satisfaction (not to mention the envious accolades of the majority of us poor schmucks here), but in the end it still isn't moving you any closer to resolving that central issue of your relationship with your wife. And there would still be a whole fuck of a lot of balls out there that might potentially need cutting off some day in the future. Enough repetition makes any activity get tedious, even one as satisfying as castrating wife fucking assholes.

Seems to me all of that "marble hunting" stuff, as much as I again admit sounds fucking wonderful, doesn't address the main issue at the core of your troubles. That issue being:

Of course she said "I don't know"

This "I don't know" guy is the guy you really need to hunting down and confronting here. That guy is a seriously fucking dangerous individual. You need to do the research, find this "I don't know", track him down and poind a fucking wooden stake through his fucking heart.

I got a feeling if you can do that you can probably find your answer about wether to R or D. Forget about limbo though. You manage to nail this "I don't know" guy's dick to the deck and limbo is probably gonna be off the table.

Cause really there are just a few options here... It's possible your wife is one seriously terrible bitch who managed to hide that fact from you for a pretty good stretch. Or it's possible that your wife is actually, at her core, a good person who has a whole bunch of complicated fucked up issues and shit that made her behave as one seriously terrible bitch. If it's the former I would imagine D would be the safest answer for you, your sanity, for your family, for your kids, hell even for her, for everyone involved. If it's the latter? Well then I would think that she is probably redeemable as a person, wife and mother. So then the only real question is wether or not you are willing to stick around for all of the ugly fucked up work of redemption. Just because she can be fixed doesn't mean you got to stick around during the messy fucking remodel; no one here would judge you either way.

First though you gotta answer that question in your mind: seriously terrible bitch or seriously fucked up but essentially good person? None of us can answer that one for you... hell, we've never met the woman. You, however, are uniquely situated to solve that fucked up 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. But you don't have a fuckin prayer of doing that as long as Mr. "I don't know" is still in your wife's life.

Sometimes, not always but sometimes, limbo can become just a name for not dealing with uncomfortable shit. Not saying that that's what you are doing, hell I never met you either. Just saying think about it. "I don't know" is WS speak for either "I am too ashamed and afraid to say" or "I frankly don't give enough of a fuck about you to tell you the truth.". Neither one of those are even remotely fucking acceptable so "I don't know" shouldn't be either.

Look, I agree with this:

Sorry man, but you can't fix stupid. They either fix themselves or they don't
.
But I would add one caveat. If your WW is anything at all like mine was, she is going to do anything and everything in her power to not look to closely at her own ugly shit. Hence the "I don't know" hallelujah chorus my wife kept singing. As long as the status seemed fairly fucking quo she was more than content to keep her eyes firmly fucking averted from all of that ugly.

In the end I had to make her look at it. It wasn't my job, it wasn't remotely fair, and it was no fucking fun whatsoever. But I did it. You can ask her and she will tell you the exact same thing. I had to make her look at this shit for what it was. I had to make her see it. Really seeing it was the first step to really getting it. Really getting it was the first step toward really owning it. And really owning it was the first essential step in starting toward fixing it.

Fuck! Thats alot of fucking steps. No one is saying you should have any obligation, duty, need or even desire to try to help her take those steps. But if you really want to be able to definitively answer the burning question of what to do here? If you really want to know just what kind of wife you're dealing with here, seriously terrible bitch/ or fucked up flawed essentially good and ultimately redeemable person? If you really want an answer to that? Then I think you and the WW need to do a lot of talking.

And don't take "I don't know" for an answer. Fucking push and keep on fucking pushing. You'll either get through to the truth of the matter or she will simply stonewall you until you give it up as a wasted fucking effort. Either way I think you will have your answer.

Just some thoughts I figured I would throw out there. As always, be aware that I am just as full of shit as the next guy. Maybe even more so. Feel free to disagree or completely disregard.

Good luck, and much healing man.
HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's possible your wife is one seriously terrible bitch who managed to hide that fact from you for a pretty good stretch. Or it's possible that your wife is actually, at her core, a good person who has a whole bunch of complicated fucked up issues and shit that made her behave as one seriously terrible bitch. If it's the former I would imagine D would be the safest answer for you, your sanity, for your family, for your kids, hell even for her, for everyone involved. If it's the latter? Well then I would think that she is probably redeemable as a person, wife and mother. So then the only real question is wether or not you are willing to stick around for all of the ugly fucked up work of redemption. Just because she can be fixed doesn't mean you got to stick around during the messy fucking remodel; no one here would judge you either way.

WAL and I did just go a round with that, interesting enough. Good or bad, the last part you said here is the sticking point all our philosophical philosophicalizing (I started a black lager so that counts as a word) is just aesthetics for. You said it well, just because it can be fixed doesn't mean you have to if you don't want to.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7115 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, I need some strength an backbone.

WW has been moping around like zombie, crying all the since she came home yesterday. It's taking all I have not to give I'm again, but dammit, I've been down this road, what, 4 or 5 times? And she made everything so public through Facebook, which is why I ask her never to do that - I feel like my hands are tied now and I'll look like a bigger fool than ever fit staying.

Fuck, neither of us are going to have any money, nothing for our awesome kids. Knowing she caused it is no consolation for that. She said she keeps thinking of all the birthdays, holidays, and trips we won't have together anymore....well, shouldn't you have thought of that?

She's saying the alcohol and drugs and lack of food was what made her rage the other night, that she doesn't remember any of it.

It's going to take all my strength not to give in to a sobbing, broken woman. I'm sure you guys can understand


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
Medic17
♂ Member
Member # 12832
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i know its the roller coaster and i did well yesterday , much due to an unforeseen circumstance....now i'm back to planning the f****** OM's demise. i'm so screwed up FML 27 years see all kinds of horrible s*** on the streets and 1 year as a non military contract medic in Iraq thats my background. oh god i'm rambling again i dont know who i am anymore and that started 8 days ago when i found the A evidence

[This message edited by Medic17 at 10:07 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]


Piece of mind is slowly becoming a 4" grouping at 600 yards

Posts: 381 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: NC
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Killing is wrong.
Suicide is wrong.

Medic, use your head.

Please.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Cannon) You don't need her.

Remember that.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's going on today Medic? How can we help?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35359 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Medic17
♂ Member
Member # 12832
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trust me dirk, not suicidal, homicidial definitely but also in my sleep deprived deranged state i was smart enough to send all 63 of my firearms to my son's house along with my key that fits his house. dont mean thati wont beat his ass if i see him out


Piece of mind is slowly becoming a 4" grouping at 600 yards

Posts: 381 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: NC
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good idea putting the guns away


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35359 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
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