I agree that the potential damage to a kid is worse than the benefits of a normal family, but do you even have a normal family to give her at this point? Get a lawyer and figure out where you stand legally, imo.
Then I think to myself, "what the fuck are you happy about? I know he's funny and kind of a bad-ass but his wife fucks other guys and treats him like shit, that's the only reason he's here".
Man sometimes this shit is so depressing.
Welcome to the greatest club you never wanted to join dustnbones. Thanks for sharing your story.
Sorry your here man. Then again, we all are. Like you, I'm not forum type guy, never had a social media account, definitely never engaged in online discussions in a forum. But this site is working for me - I would have D'd right away if I didn't find it. And don't worry about the long posts.
There are some really good guys on this site and the collective wisdom is hard to beat. Up to you what you take or leave. You're in a really F'd situation, the only thing I would suggest right now is that you realize that you don't have to do anything. Not right now. Breath, have a beer, post.
Is your WS NC now? No more affairs? Fully transparent (all passwords, phones, GPS, VAR, etc.etc.)? Are you even interested in R?
Sorry to see you here. This is truly the worst place in the world. Sounds more like you're in the famous LimboLand so many of us live in today. I'll raise my beer to you tonight, brother.
As far as my little one is concerned ...........I'm well I'm ......I'm thinkin..............so little more to the story. My older girl was from my first marrage at age 19. Her mother got pregnant, I got married, she loved the janator at the department store that she worked at..... I got custody ( miricle in NY state in the early 90's for dad to be raising kids alone)
a few years later I met my current wife. She raised my oldest daughter from the time she was 4 til now. fuck it I don't know how to explain .. but I have 2 kids from my first marrage 1 girl 1 boy. I don't know if my boy is fucked up because of me or because I didn't put enough effort into trying to reconsile with his mother . I let my current wife raise my son and my older daughter with me. Maybe I did it wrong the first time.
Although my older girl turned out wonderful, she has told me that some times she wishes I had not met my current wife and that I had raised her myself. My son .. well I love him cause he is my son but ....... he is .. ......I'm ashamed of him.. did I abdicate my role as parent to work for $ 70 hrs a week and let him be mothered by this lieing manipulative bitch ..........................Truth is I don't know were I failed my son, so how do I know where I might fail my youngest girl.......
So in ans to why do a R with this woman...........
like I said I read everything, his story, his writing his R gives me a sliver of hope that sometimes you can fix stupid.
his writing his R gives me a sliver of hope that sometimes you can fix stupid.
If WAL can do it anyone can.
That last post was in response to stillgoing
since i have been reading from si for the last six months i get what your saying btw i was from the northeast .. now im from central east coast wishing i could get trasferd to Australia ..
Im now from crab country to your east..... beer is great and I'll try to breath between sips
Ya i got all the traking angles covered.. i really dont think there was any lovefest going on and there has been no trackable contact. She just cant say no...i thought it was only for me but i was wrong
hope that sometimes you can fix stupid
Sorry man, but you can't fix stupid. They either fix themselves or they don't. From what I've seen here WAL's wife put in some work. You can only do your part - and that is all focused on you.
Sorry you need to be here dustnbones.
My stbx couldn't say no either, and I got a lot of histrionic acting.
Is she remorseful, or just acting? That was hard for me to figure out...once I got it, it was like a "knowing" came over me. A certainty and peace.
The members here who grew up in homes where the parents "stayed together for the kids" consistently report it wasn't a good deal.
My 1st xww screwed up my sons' development too. They both got in trouble.
They're straightening out now, which I'm thankful for.
If you can, even in a general way explain this:
I'm fluctuating between Rage and Hate and indiffence for my wife (but for entirely different reasons than the A)
Umm, it's not that you don't have enough reason, given her apparent nymphomania...but man...
You've dealt with a load here!
What the hell else can there be?
Hear ya. There's a river over there in Oxford. I honeymooned there, thus, my name (you heard it hear first).
It's a good night to drink a beer. Stay thirsty my friends.
Welcome to the club, still working on the tee shirts. They will be available in any color you want as long as you want black.
So I'm here basically for a "peer review" before I decide on D or R or life in Limbo
So 2 years + and I'm fluctuating between Rage and Hate and indiffence for my wife
I liked hearing about the "marble hunt". God damn that sounded fucking satisfying. If I could go back in time I think I would like to take a couple of pages from your book on that one. Not doing more to confront my wife's OM is probably one of my biggest regrets, and it's definitely become one of the issues I am still having a hard time working through . That being said though, as much as I envy your "marble hunt", as satisfying as it sounds, it doesn't really do anything to adress this central issue:
I mean you could cut the balls off of all of those guys and I imagine it would bring you all kinds of satisfaction (not to mention the envious accolades of the majority of us poor schmucks here), but in the end it still isn't moving you any closer to resolving that central issue of your relationship with your wife. And there would still be a whole fuck of a lot of balls out there that might potentially need cutting off some day in the future. Enough repetition makes any activity get tedious, even one as satisfying as castrating wife fucking assholes.
Seems to me all of that "marble hunting" stuff, as much as I again admit sounds fucking wonderful, doesn't address the main issue at the core of your troubles. That issue being:
Of course she said "I don't know"
I got a feeling if you can do that you can probably find your answer about wether to R or D. Forget about limbo though. You manage to nail this "I don't know" guy's dick to the deck and limbo is probably gonna be off the table.
Cause really there are just a few options here... It's possible your wife is one seriously terrible bitch who managed to hide that fact from you for a pretty good stretch. Or it's possible that your wife is actually, at her core, a good person who has a whole bunch of complicated fucked up issues and shit that made her behave as one seriously terrible bitch. If it's the former I would imagine D would be the safest answer for you, your sanity, for your family, for your kids, hell even for her, for everyone involved. If it's the latter? Well then I would think that she is probably redeemable as a person, wife and mother. So then the only real question is wether or not you are willing to stick around for all of the ugly fucked up work of redemption. Just because she can be fixed doesn't mean you got to stick around during the messy fucking remodel; no one here would judge you either way.
First though you gotta answer that question in your mind: seriously terrible bitch or seriously fucked up but essentially good person? None of us can answer that one for you... hell, we've never met the woman. You, however, are uniquely situated to solve that fucked up 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. But you don't have a fuckin prayer of doing that as long as Mr. "I don't know" is still in your wife's life.
Sometimes, not always but sometimes, limbo can become just a name for not dealing with uncomfortable shit. Not saying that that's what you are doing, hell I never met you either. Just saying think about it. "I don't know" is WS speak for either "I am too ashamed and afraid to say" or "I frankly don't give enough of a fuck about you to tell you the truth.". Neither one of those are even remotely fucking acceptable so "I don't know" shouldn't be either.
Look, I agree with this:
Sorry man, but you can't fix stupid. They either fix themselves or they don't
In the end I had to make her look at it. It wasn't my job, it wasn't remotely fair, and it was no fucking fun whatsoever. But I did it. You can ask her and she will tell you the exact same thing. I had to make her look at this shit for what it was. I had to make her see it. Really seeing it was the first step to really getting it. Really getting it was the first step toward really owning it. And really owning it was the first essential step in starting toward fixing it.
Fuck! Thats alot of fucking steps. No one is saying you should have any obligation, duty, need or even desire to try to help her take those steps. But if you really want to be able to definitively answer the burning question of what to do here? If you really want to know just what kind of wife you're dealing with here, seriously terrible bitch/ or fucked up flawed essentially good and ultimately redeemable person? If you really want an answer to that? Then I think you and the WW need to do a lot of talking.
And don't take "I don't know" for an answer. Fucking push and keep on fucking pushing. You'll either get through to the truth of the matter or she will simply stonewall you until you give it up as a wasted fucking effort. Either way I think you will have your answer.
Just some thoughts I figured I would throw out there. As always, be aware that I am just as full of shit as the next guy. Maybe even more so. Feel free to disagree or completely disregard.
Good luck, and much healing man.
It's possible your wife is one seriously terrible bitch who managed to hide that fact from you for a pretty good stretch. Or it's possible that your wife is actually, at her core, a good person who has a whole bunch of complicated fucked up issues and shit that made her behave as one seriously terrible bitch. If it's the former I would imagine D would be the safest answer for you, your sanity, for your family, for your kids, hell even for her, for everyone involved. If it's the latter? Well then I would think that she is probably redeemable as a person, wife and mother. So then the only real question is wether or not you are willing to stick around for all of the ugly fucked up work of redemption. Just because she can be fixed doesn't mean you got to stick around during the messy fucking remodel; no one here would judge you either way.
WAL and I did just go a round with that, interesting enough. Good or bad, the last part you said here is the sticking point all our philosophical philosophicalizing (I started a black lager so that counts as a word) is just aesthetics for. You said it well, just because it can be fixed doesn't mean you have to if you don't want to.
WW has been moping around like zombie, crying all the since she came home yesterday. It's taking all I have not to give I'm again, but dammit, I've been down this road, what, 4 or 5 times? And she made everything so public through Facebook, which is why I ask her never to do that - I feel like my hands are tied now and I'll look like a bigger fool than ever fit staying.
Fuck, neither of us are going to have any money, nothing for our awesome kids. Knowing she caused it is no consolation for that. She said she keeps thinking of all the birthdays, holidays, and trips we won't have together anymore....well, shouldn't you have thought of that?
She's saying the alcohol and drugs and lack of food was what made her rage the other night, that she doesn't remember any of it.
It's going to take all my strength not to give in to a sobbing, broken woman. I'm sure you guys can understand
Status: Divorced and relieved
[This message edited by Medic17 at 10:07 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]
Medic, use your head.
Never be afraid of the truth