Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Bersey (43222)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In most of the stories of truly successful R that I read about on here, the new ring is better than the old.
Ah yes, I would agree but what percentage are ďtruly successful R?Ē Maybe Iím just having a bad day, but if I look around on here, the numbers are pretty low. Just look at some of the ďdo you love them moreĒ or ďbetter MĒ threads, IMO (didnít actually count) there is a large majority that says ďnoĒ to both (or ďitís differentĒ which to me is the politically correct way to say ďnoĒ). This may just be my perception or the fact that people in successful R donít post as much, but either way itís pretty disheartening. SoÖ
Either way, and no matter what - you forge ahead. Now that's courage.

Thanks. I get this concept and I think it may be my whole problem right now. Like I said, I'm working on overcoming my codependency issues in IC. Problem is that the more I overcome them, the more I know what I need & want. That's really a double edged sword, e.g., embracing change while still pining for the past. I do know that change does create fear, mostly of the unknown as there was a huge comfort level in the past, before the A.
This is something Iím really struggling with right now. Itís almost as if to R, I have to admit that (almost) everything I believed was wrong (about M, love, sex, and just life). I tend to think in black and white, and just admitting thatís not ďrightĒ is incredibly difficult. It doesnít help that my WW just wants to go right back to the way things were, well except with me being a better H. Any life left in our M is slowly dying because I refuse to go back to that.
Add me to the handful of guys who are a historical curiosity.
Add me to the list, WW is my ďonlyĒ as well. Post-A, I did find out that she was way more experienced than I knew before, and add another thing to my list to try and rectify in my mind. Damn this sucks.


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have seen a few posts on *potential* RA's and WW's wanting "back to pre-A dymanic" and....I.....just.... cant.... resist.... ugh - HAVE to block quote one of WALs gems

Even is whatever you say it is. Some guys pursue that sense of justice with RA's. The outcome is rarely what they expect it to be in terms of satisfaction, so it is considered a fail. I think RA's are more a failure of imagination on the justice/vengeance scale, and that's why people tend to be disappointed by them. They don't truly address the need for equity. A big part of what galls BH's over time is the sense that their wife got one over on them, that she has access to all of this secret information, and he can never have it. He's supposed to become Mr. Emotional Transparency and a surrogate female BFF so she never feels unfulfilled again and gets the Best. Marriage. Evar., and thus be content because she's not going to cheat on *that*. LOOK AT HOW MUCH HAPPIER WE R NOW THAT YOU DO EVERYTHING I WANT AND R SO AFRAID OF MY WILD SNOG-SEEKING VAGINA THAT YOU WILL NEVER DARE FAIL!!!!
Which, of course, ignores the fact that most of us were pretty decent husbands in the first place. This is one of the major issues I have with most infidelity recovery philosophies. They imply that the BH must clean up all of his shit, every mean thing he ever said, every insensitive thing he ever did and convert himself into the emotional version of Fabio in a way that precisely fits his wife's taste...and her job is to stop fucking other people. As if her fucking other people was the only thing she ever did wrong in the marriage, while *everything* he did was wrong. People conveniently forget that for every WS out there with a list of grievances for their spouse's failures, there is a BS who has been married to that WS who has a list of grievances JUST AS LONG that we accepted, tolerated and loved them through in exactly the way they did not accept, tolerate and love us. Instead, our shit became the legitimate fuel to justify their behavior.
Hello goose, meet gander. If you make me pay (which you have, by fucking other people as a way of dealing with it) for everything I've done wrong, then you've stated definitively that the way relationships should work is that people make others pay for their failures. No double standards. Either that, or we have to agree that I have now paid in full for everything I've ever done wrong, and for the rest of our married life, you have to shut the fuck up about it, because I've paid. It's not my fault if your method of exacting payment didn't work for you. You can't expect me to pay twice.

Poetry.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and the footnote

Which is a really long way around of saying by focusing on you, on what makes you happy and what gives your life meaning outside of the marriage, is a really good start. I was so sick of reading about relationships, about marriage repair, about understanding love-fucking languages, knowing your wife's menstrual cycle, understanding her FOO, blah, blah, blah, by about a year out, I was ready to join a monastery. Or get an 18 y.o. girlfriend who wasn't old enough yet to realize how fucked up she was by being human. Toss up, there.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All fine and dandy!
Hey,maybe should sub-divide this thread into;
Those in R and those that R screwed!
No disrespect to the process of forgiveness and rebirth, but some of us here have been shitted on without the exit sign with the big, 'R', on it.
For all the passengers on my boat that don't give a rat's behind whether you call them OM, little boys behaving badly, or shit-for-brains, I say Medic bring on the heavy stuff,BUT! let's be patient and smart. We know we are smarter, more cleaver and creative. Yeah, some of us got taken to the cleaners and are still eating dirt, BUT let's be patient, plan for the future, stock up on our ammo!
Example, for me, as soon as I settle in my new abode, I'm going back to court and filling a, 'Motion to show cause', to decrease her alimony/child support, since the ex now will receive the rental on the farm property from the leaser, ie. she bought me out and the Fing judge did not include the farm income in the calculations for her alimony/child support, ie. she now makes nearly %40 more a year.
Ya see, we can fantasize all we want, but reality can be a real bitch!!
Don't ever give up, lay down our arms or walk away with our tails in-between our legs.
Hey!it's not revenge, it's reality!!!!
God Bless All BH's
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

noescape,
Thanks for posting that, WAL does have some great words of wisdom. Iím just over a year out, and Iím right in the middle of:
sick of reading about relationships, about marriage repair, about understanding love-fucking languages, knowing your wife's menstrual cycle, understanding her FOO, blah, blah, blah.
The worst part is that I put myself into that because it has all been me trying to fix the relationship and reading all of this, while she just wants to rug sweep. Yesterday was a perfect example of:
LOOK AT HOW MUCH HAPPIER WE R NOW THAT YOU DO EVERYTHING I WANT AND R SO AFRAID OF MY WILD SNOG-SEEKING VAGINA THAT YOU WILL NEVER DARE FAIL!!!!
We were having a decent Sunday (about as decent as you can have when your M is where ours is), when I told my WW I didnít want to vacuum (never mind that I was helping do other things around the house, she wanted me to vacuum and now). Within minutes I was in the middle of WWIII, she canít trust me, Iím not part of the team, Iím never there for her, Iím a jerk, etc. Youíve got to be fíing kidding me. I donít want to vacuum, Iím not going to vacuum, and if youíre going to be like that Iíll just stop helping all together. Oh but she opened up to me earlier about how she was scared of losing me (actually brought up that she said this earlier in the middle of her rant), you donít want to lose me, stop being psycho.


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@jeppson08
If I were you this is the one thing I would not question. Just enjoy it. Kind of be prepared for the end though. For me it lasted nearly a year. When it ended I was like WTF just happened. Really messed with my head. Funny thing is now the sex is pretty good again but definitely HB.

@Stilllovingher

Its on like donkey kong!

Great way to start the day Ė thanks for the laugh - LMAO

@Mypoorboys

Hey,maybe should sub-divide this thread into;
Those in R and those that R screwed!
No disrespect to the process of forgiveness and rebirth, but some of us here have been shitted on without the exit sign with the big, 'R', on it.

Iíve thought about that. I was reluctant to post here. Iíve read and seen what you and others have gone through. No way could I ever say I understand and feel it like you. Nothing can be said but man Iím sorry for the shit you and the kids have been put through and are still going through. Sometimes the stuff running through my head seems like drivel when I put it in the context of what your WW has put you through.

I donít know if it will ever be this way for you, but Iíve been finding there is more in common between me and with what you and others are dealing with. I donít have a heartless WW, Iím not S or D and my W has remorse so yeah that is different and IMHO so much harder. What you are dealing with between the ears though, the parts about you and who you are and how you come out on the other side that is where I find the link. JMO Ė I think some of us need to man up between the ears some, and that is for our own happiness. When we have a WW that is remorseful I think it can actually make it harder to see this. You donít have that soft spot to trip on Ė you have to get there to survive. That my friend is what having one thread for all the BS has done for me.

I hope at some point the WW will have less ability to fuck with your life. At that point I hope the drivel becomes more of a song to you Ė that there will be something worthwhile for you in dealing with those struggling in R. While you have been posting here, leaning on this place for support, you have also opened yourself up and let others know just what you are dealing with. Thank you.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I donít know if it will ever be this way for you, but Iíve been finding there is more in common between me and with what you and others are dealing with. I donít have a heartless WW, Iím not S or D and my W has remorse so yeah that is different and IMHO so much harder. What you are dealing with between the ears though, the parts about you and who you are and how you come out on the other side that is where I find the link. JMO Ė I think some of us need to man up between the ears some, and that is for our own happiness. When we have a WW that is remorseful I think it can actually make it harder to see this. You donít have that soft spot to trip on Ė you have to get there to survive.

Exactly right.

Man I read MPB's and other's stories here sometimes and I realize how lucky I am to have a remorseful FWW who is giving 100% effort toward R. I see men getting taken to the cleaners in divorce court and struggling with custody battles. I see men having to deal with wives who, having already fucked around on them, have the unbelievable gall to continue fucking them over as well; treating there husbands like shit, beating them down, saying increadibly viscious fucking hurtful shit for no apperant reason other than to twist the knife a little deeper.

I read that shit and thank whatever god there is that I am at least not having to deal with some of that shit. At least my FWW is remorseful, takes ownership, is trying to make it right...

At the end of the day though, when all is said an done. All of that remorse doesn't change one essential thing:

She still spent the better part of a year fucking around with one of my best friends behind my back.

All the remorse in the world isn't going to undo that essential fact. You cannot unfuck the donkey, as has been so eloquently stated here before. So much of the rest of all of this shit is just window dressing and details. In the end it always comes down to that essential fact.

Often times I'll trigger over some little stupid bullshit and WOES will ask me what is bothering me. Usually I'll explain the details of the trigger to her, try and make her understand. But other times I simply tell her: "You fucked one of my best friends behind my back. That's what's bothering me.". Cause really, that's what it is. The fucking details and the aftermath all stem from that little factoid.

So, while I am thankful that I have a remorseful wife, I have said before and I will repeat for anyone coming late to the party: I do sometimes envy the clarity that an unremorseful WW would bring me. I think as much as it would suck on most levels it would still be nice to be able to go back to a world of white hats and black hats. Good guys and bad guys. The wrong and the wronged.

Instead of that though, Reconciliation offers me this world of grey hats. Of people who are good but behave badly and then become good again... At least we think so... But we can never be sure... And it'll never happen again... Unless of course it does... And I am a strong and forgiving man for being willing to swallow this to hold my family together... Unless of course I am a douchebag doormat... And she really does love me in the end... Unless she doesn't and is just convincing herself that she does out of guilt.... And everyone knows that it's not about me, about some failure on my part as a husband... Unless maybe they don't and they all think I had it coming... Cause nobody blames me for my wife fucking around... Unless they actually do... And I certainly don't blame myself for... Of course I don't.... Right?? Right??? I don't need to blame myself right?

In the end it all sucks. Doesn't matter what flavor your shit sandwich comes in or what sides of crap ir comes with, in the end you still gotta eat it the whole thing.

And since I still gotta eat it I am thankful to be sitting down to the meal with such fine gents as you all for company. Makes my shitsandwich just a tiny bit more palatable.

Thanks to all of you,
HT



Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 339 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But other times I simply tell her: "You fucked one of my best friends behind my back. That's what's bothering me.". Cause really, that's what it is. The fucking details and the aftermath all stem from that little factoid.

Perhaps someday I will have the balls to actually say this, when I'm triggering... Wow. Not sure if it's constructive, but fuck, it is honest.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To add to HT's excellent commentary, you also discover that even righteous outrage has term limits. Even with the most remorseful wife, you get to be an angry dick for awhile, or every once in awhile, but once it passes that threshold, then you're just an abusive dick.

And it's not just your WW who will think so. You get tons of feedback about finding and pounding the fuck out of your inner moppet, serenity now!, making peace, doing constructive shit, going all motorcycle zen, blah, blah, blah.

Our culture is desperately afraid of anger -- no, that's not true. It's afraid of male anger. Righteous anger gets a bit of a pass, but only for a very narrowly limited time. It does not matter how heinous the crimes, you're supposed to start forgiving and moving on...and if you can't do that, you leave.

Just being simmer-y and anger-ful is bad, bad, bad. Like psychotic bad. Like guy who must beat his wife bad.

Sort of the same way that it takes Americans about 3 months to lose interest in genocide and then be all mind-boggled by the fact that the area it happens is still a cultural mess 5 years later. "Jesus, we sent our meals-on-wheels military to help you out! Why are you guys still pissed off? You need to get over that, love each other, and start the healing or your lives are going to suck!"

(I'm still trying to understand how "I said I'm sorry!!!" is supposed to heal so many BH's, but as soon as the WW is done wiping the strange semen off her now-former-OP's vagina, she wants to drag out that time her husband didnt undewstand hew feewings 12 years ago on teh drive home from her parents' house when they had that big fight and make it a topic for MC, her husband's IC, and everybody else until he drags himself across broken glass a sufficient number of times to earn her forgiveness. All of a WW's hurts are legitimate and the much-needed topic of "pre-A issues that must be dealt with". All of the BH's -- once she's stopped fucking other people -- are him just being a dick and not letting go of his anger. Or "refusing to heal", which is a phrase that makes me want to strangle kittens and kick my neighbor's puppies.

Tell you what: your BH has to try to heal exactly as hard as you tried to stop sucking OM's cock for all those months/years before he busted you and forced you to choose, okay? That sounds fair. Oh, except he gets to be just as prissy/bitchy/diva/deceptive about having to give up his angries as you were about losing the taste of dick on your breath. Cool? Cool. I'm all about the equalitiez, u see.)

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 2:58 AM, August 7th (Tuesday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope the drivel becomes more of a song to you

Is it sad
or victorious?
that that has become a song
to me?

I believe my victory song, has become your sad sad failure song.
You're not in it
o sigh!
So long.

It just really is about me now.
You cannot deny me, or prohibit me in any way, machination or manipulation of yours be damned -
I will hear it. I will sing it inside.
With hummings you cannot describe.

The deeper things elude them, the unremorseful ones. It's a shallow, day-to-day existence,

to whom singing,
and true love's songs,
hide.


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL!
Beautiful man! Seemed like a vent opened in my head and some of the steam and pressure blew out leaving me with some momentary relief. Thanks.
Really we all know that there is a societal prejudice waning the male vs. whatever other side gender, anger issue. Isn't that why God invented the, '911 instant domestic violence call'? Just kidding, but I do and have carried a VAC on my person ever since I was asked to leave the master bedroom back in Dec. 2010. Wow! that was a long time ago, but hopefully, 3-4 weeks away from closing on my house and away from the haunting presence of her Majesty!
jjct,
What the F was that! Hey stay away from the orange barrel acid!, (ref for all you Woodstock people, lol).
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But other times I simply tell her: "You fucked one of my best friends behind my back. That's what's bothering me.". Cause really, that's what it is. The fucking details and the aftermath all stem from that little factoid.

Perhaps someday I will have the balls to actually say this, when I'm triggering... Wow. Not sure if it's constructive, but fuck, it is honest.

For the record, it's not really an indication of my having big balls(although they are huge. Seriously like avacadoes or something, it's very hard for me to find pants... ). It's really only an indication of where WOES and I are at in this whole R thing. More than anything, the fact that I can say things like that is really a testament to just how well she has been able to "own her shit" as we say.

Sure, there was a time when I would have been saying shit like that to use the words as a cudgel to beat her up with. Stuff like that only ever had one of two purposes back then. Either to hurt her like she hurt me, or to test her resolve. I did a lot of both those things in the first year/year and a half of R.

These days though? These days I say stuff like that to cut through the bullshit, to save time, for the sake of brevity. Sure we could spend an hour parsing shit out, carefully wading through the morass of complex feelings, motivations and external factors involved... We have done that, over and over again, ad nauseum. In the end though it still just kind of comes down to the same basic thing doesn't it? I am upset because she spent a year having an affair with my friend and lying to me. She fucked one of my best friends behind my back and lied to me about it... Repeatedly... Over and over...

There really isn't any nice way to say that is there? You can beat around the bush and mince words and minimize and explain shit however you need to. But at the end of the day? In the simplest words and the most convienent definitions: She fucked one of my best friends behind my back. That is the reality. That is what we are dealing with. And for me at least we were not even going to be close to done with R until that is how we could discuss it if necessary.

Luckily, WOES has been able to get on board with that level of ownership. She will be the first one to tell you that she behaved like a world class bitch, not cutting corners or hemming and hawing, she will just baldly state it for what it is. I love her for that.

Wasn't always like that. We started out with the usual denial followed by the obligatory minimizing. We spent some time in disassociation land where "it's like I was a different person" is the theme of the day. We eventually moved on to the acknowledgement of the basic facts of the matter but an acknowledgement that was so wrapped up in shame that it was difficult to even recognize it as acknowledgment. All of that shit took time. It took work, on both of our parts. We finally got to the promised land though: We made it to the "Owning her shit" part, and man that is a much better place believe me.

You go over to the Wayward Side and look at the posts of some of the veteran WS's on this site and you will start to see a common theme: the ones that are making it all truely own their shit. Most of them talk more pretty than me, maybe not quite so blunt but they don't pull any punches either.

Owning your shit is an essential first step in fixing your shit.

Lucky for me my FWW has made that step. How else do you suppose I can be so blunt in my posts? It's not like she doesn't read them. Hell, WAL's FWW Wincing Sparkle is here on SI and no doubt reads his posts, and have you seen some of the fucking blunt things he says?

Point is I can talk like that because I know that WOES knows that she was that mean, hurtful terrible person... For a while at least. And because she knows that I know that she isn't that person any longer. It's a good spot to be in, frees up a lot of conversational avenues.

Sure DWBH, you probably can't talk like that. Not yet anyway. But it isn't because you don't have balls... It's because you guys aren't there yet. You saying shit like that at this point would probably just send your FWW spinning down the drain in a shame spiral of death. Give it time though... Do the work... And you'll be there too. You'll be able to say shit like that and, even though it will still sting it won't be the end of the world.

Because it's the truth, and you both acknowledge that it's the truth, and you both accept it. And even though it'll never be ok, you can both live with it and try to move on and be better in spite of it.

Just some thoughts.
HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 339 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks HT; you're getting to jedi master territory now-did you have the pony tail cutting ceremony yet? (padawan ----> jedi master)

Owning your shit is an essential first step in fixing your shit.

Lucky for me my FWW has made that step. How else do you suppose I can be so blunt in my posts? It's not like she doesn't read them. Hell, WAL's FWW Wincing Sparkle is here on SI and no doubt reads his posts, and have you seen some of the fucking blunt things he says?

Truly lucky... or just DAMNED HARD WORK from, and good for, WOES and Wincing to get there... Unreal for most of us though. On that note; part realisation from detachment (needed a few months practice) and part "if its all down the shitter, why not be completely honest?" ....is that "fuckit" I SAY what I want to SAY. No more mincing words and shuffling around the issues or fucking being worried about sensitivities and "admiration, affection, validation, blah blah".

I used to be careful about what I said and specially what I posted (yeah, she's a chronic lurker; does nothing on her own but wants to 'read' here to read my 'mind' - since, obviously she wont really talk nor communicate) but... what the fuck... theres nothing to save here and I was more worried about the OUTcome (thanks jj for that) rather than the INcome.

Fact is, she can lump it... its part and parcel of fucking cheating on your husband for 7 out of 9 years of M. Dont like it? Leave, cry, feel bad for yourself, plan vengeance, whatever... Whether she owns it or not is not my problem anymore (I had made it my problem for the longest time). Maybe she'll find her next husband/BF (the next codep victim she finds) to be more than willing to do that for her. Good riddance.

You saying shit like that at this point would probably just send your FWW spinning down the drain in a shame spiral of death.

And I dont know what the problem with that is. She'll do it regardless of whether I say something or not (sorry, I know it was directed at DWBH, but just responding from my PoV/projecting). Why carry on an uneasy truce while she gets to a) cake eat (i.e. not face consequences of her fuckedupness), b) not hear what I truly feel and c) learn that she can choose unhealthy (spirals of death etc...) OR CHOOSE to DO SOMETHING about it.

You know what? Its good for them to fall, to hit rock bottom, to fucking feel destroyed and hammered. Yes, drown in shame. Yes, feel shit about yourself. Yes, learn that you keep CHOOSING stupid and will keep hurting YOURSELF unless you CHOOSE otherwise... EVERY.FUCKING.MINUTE.OF.EVERY WAKING.HOUR. Why should WE try and compensate for the WW NOT doing that?

Sorry, very venty today. Must be the wind or something.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took a few days off from this thread and SI in general because my head was ready to explode. Add to that I had to cancel my IC last week and my physical shit was acting up again. Anyway, here I am, somewhat refreshed and ready face this shit storm again....

Tell you what: your BH has to try to heal exactly as hard as you tried to stop sucking OM's cock for all those months/years before he busted you and forced you to choose, okay? That sounds fair. Oh, except he gets to be just as prissy/bitchy/diva/deceptive about having to give up his angries as you were about losing the taste of dick on your breath. Cool? Cool. I'm all about the equalitiez, u see.)

@WAL
You are one insightful & eloquent BM IMO. Amazing how your words can squirrel into my brain and rip what I'm feeling deep down out of me. I tend to live at the moment vicariously through your words in the hope that I can someday come to a pittance of the clarity you've seemed to find in this shitty mess. Thank you!

You saying shit like that at this point would probably just send your FWW spinning down the drain in a shame spiral of death. Give it time though... Do the work... And you'll be there too. You'll be able to say shit like that and, even though it will still sting it won't be the end of the world.

Because it's the truth, and you both acknowledge that it's the truth, and you both accept it. And even though it'll never be ok, you can both live with it and try to move on and be better in spite of it.

@HT
Man I hope we can one day get to this point in lieu of WW going into a 3-4 day funk of as you so succinctly put it "spinning down the drain in a shame spiral of death". We are still at the stage where she goes into the funk and I just get more pissed off because it's all about her again.

@jjct
Thanks for the words of wisdom man. You're dead on in your advice on facing my fear, accepting myself, then going from there. I'm obviously not there yet...not even close...but I'm working on it.


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
ďRealize deeply that the present moment is all you have.Ē ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Point is I can talk like that because I know that WOES knows that she was that mean, hurtful terrible person... For a while at least. And because she knows that I know that she isn't that person any longer. It's a good spot to be in, frees up a lot of conversational avenues.

Sure DWBH, you probably can't talk like that. Not yet anyway. But it isn't because you don't have balls... It's because you guys aren't there yet. You saying shit like that at this point would probably just send your FWW spinning down the drain in a shame spiral of death. Give it time though... Do the work... And you'll be there too. You'll be able to say shit like that and, even though it will still sting it won't be the end of the world.

Because it's the truth, and you both acknowledge that it's the truth, and you both accept it. And even though it'll never be ok, you can both live with it and try to move on and be better in spite of it.

Thanks, HT, good stuff. I know we are making progress and moving in the right direction... impatience is a constant struggle for me, especially since TR has only recently begun 'getting it'.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
DontTreadOnMe
♂ Member
Member # 35240
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost and I have had our ups and downs, but I have since made some progress with accepting the A and dealing with my own issues. I feel very close to her and am glad we are in R.

However, I still fantasize about beating the FUCK out of OM. I convince myself everyday to show him mercy. I have a bad temper and know that if I ever saw him...well...it would be bad. Shitty thing is: he lives about 1 mile from us. Everytime I see a car that looks like his I start bracing myself. It's driving me crazy. Sometimes I think I should just sucker-punch him one day. Then maybe I'd feel better. But I'm afraid that if I did get physical with him, I'd end up in cuffs. I've been trained in offensive/defensive hand to hand confrontations, edged weapons (knives), and of course guns. I find myself thinking tactically all the time. Always make sure to have "marilyn" at my side with two extra mags, flashlight, etc.... WTF am I doing?

Maybe it is just fantasizing... But it would feel so good to break that fucker's face.

It's been over 6 mo. since DDay... Shouldn't this way of thinking be done by now?


Me: WH/BH, 27 (addict in recovery)
Her: Lost333, BW/FWW, My DDay: 2/19/12, Hers: 9/29/12

Working on myself through IC, NA meetings, intensive outpatient program, and lots of digging. Praying for R.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's still normal to fantasize about beating the OM down at 6 months out, DTOM.

Look, I don't think you're ever going to be indifferent to the guy. It's not how men are built. On some level, the anger isn't even about him fucking your wife, it's the fact that he disrespected you. It's the fact that he decided he was entitled to take what was "yours".

Defending what is yours is an evolutionary thing. It's how we kept access to the resources necessary for survival. In those terms, he made himself a threat to your survival...and you don't live very long if you make yourself indifferent to threats.

Choosing not to kill him is the healthy alternative.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTOM,

Iím a year out and I thought I was past the wanting him dead phase. I probably am. But it does not mean I donít get that gut reaction sometimes. Last night I was out and saw a young kid that looked like the AP. First thought I had was I just want to rip the APís head off.

What WAL said is a big piece of it. And there is more. Eventually I think it has less of an impact. I think eventually it does not enter your mind all the time and is not the focus of so much of your energy.

Indifferent, yeah thatís how I feel about the AP now, except when I want to crush his soul.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to get drunk and celebrate tonight! Somehow I did not notice this happen, but her A is not the first thing I think of when I wake up. It is not the first thing I think of when I see my W. It is not the most important issue in my life. I have known I donít need her or the M for me to be happy, but I feel it.

I know better than to think anything is permanent anymore, but sure feels good today. Now if it just did not think about it during the day life would be sweet.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTOM,
I am about the same Dday as you (I think..just over 6 months). I actually want to beat the shit out of Captain Douchebag now more than I did at the beginning. Probably not healthy, but luckily for me he is across the country. Of course my little brother (a.k.a special forces assassin) has kindly offered to take care of the issue for me..there are times I think about giving him a ring. But I guess Captain Douchebag's wife has probably suffered enough..Course then again getting rid of him might be doing her a favor. (I wonder if she feels the same way about my WW).


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.