Were together 7+yrs, Ended R.
People can do parts of the 180 even when R'ed. Go do new things, new hobbies, be a volunteer.
Iím tired of the roller coaster. This shit has been getting in my way. Iíve got a life to live and today Iím putting my nose down to live it. There is still so much for me to work through, but damn it Iím not going to put aside what I want and need in other areas of my life for this. Iím laying out a plan, setting some time aside to deal with her A and our M, and Iím not letting it take over any more of my life than that.
I donít think I am taking a naÔve approach to it this time. Iím not sweeping it under the rug. Iím going to set time aside to deal with it and me. Iím not changing my requirements to be in the M. Iím just not going to let it dominate my life. I know it will not be easy and there will be setbacks. Iím setting my sights, climbing the mountain. Thanks again for the banter and support. I appreciate having this place to lay this out and to hear from someone with a little testosterone.
Endeavor to Persevere
t/j Begin cautionary tale
I had a former fiancee who cheated on me and I got a R of the kinds that you guys have described on the OM.
I can speak from experience, it doesn't make you feel any better. It seems like it should but trust me does not change one soul crushing iota. You still hurt, you still trigger and you still think about it every second of everyday.
Ironcially, my greatest gain of that whole mess was that it helped me end my engagement to a bi-polar, selfish, high maintenance, overly dramatic woman. She still tries to contact me and I blow her off. She is nothing to me, but a cautionary tale. I think I won that one.
Consequences on top of consequences. Really ? It can be way worse than it already is. Think on it.
End preachy, soap box, t/j cautionary tale.
BTW I do understand the anger and the need to direct it somewhere. I totally get that. Actually carrying it out, not so much.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
On D-Day, I finally found her laptop logged in and thats how I found our about the A. The problem is, She was not home for at least another 1.5 hours and I sat there and read ALL the emails and saw ALL the pics he sent her. I am shattered. They discuss explicitly what there going to do to each other - and my WW discusses taking initiative with mOM as soon as they get in the hotel room. She has been shaving bald too for sometime, and for some reason she always in years past stopped me from going down, saying it never worked for her and not just me. Now she's bald and literally borrowed my razor from me the day before D-DAy - the day she never came home and never answered her cell. All of this shit is eating me alive and its been exactly one month since D-Day. I can't get it out of my mind and sometimes it really backs up and I just loose it. Her lack of remorse and actually laughing at me sometimes when I trying to talk to her....OMG...I start to loose it.
Can anyone suggest a course of action to help me get this shit out of my mind. I would love to just go out and get laid and maybe bang 10 chicks as revenge but its not as easy at 41 as it was at 25.
Why do I love this girl and when will it stop hurting?
[This message edited by kchip at 5:10 AM, August 16th (Thursday)]
Why the fuck would you expose your thoughts, feelings, and heart to such cruelty?
NC = No new hurt.
Laughing at you? Hell, I'd use that memory to shut myself down and out of her! She'd not get one more glimpse into my heart!
Hell, I am fucking awesome!
& you, stbxWW, don't get access to my amazing fizzly awesomeness ever again - your loss, so sad, too bad.
When you shut off, prepare for probes. Then, you can laugh your ass off. (I chose to do even that silently - to not even give her that)
The images. Lots and lots of discussion here on how to get rid of them.
My take is - your brain can't process negatives.
Quick - don't think of a pink elephant.
haha see? You did!
So what worked for me was giving up trying. Whenever that rotten potato appeared in my mind, I let it. I examined that fukker from every angle, as long as I wanted to.
Then, I'd put it down for the next time. Got busy living, working, managing...you know, "the rest of life".
In time, the need to take it out and examine it just left me.
I had processed it, not denied it.
My thinking is to allow yourself to fully process, "go through" - all those stages of healing thingys...leave no stone unturned...you'll find there will be a time where you don't have to do it anymore, you'll have drunk every last drop of the bitter cup and you can put that fukker down.
To this day, I have the damdest time eating leftovers.
You have experienced a trauma as severe as any in this world. One of the telltale signs of PTSD is hyper vigilance and obsessive thinking.
I am not telling that to scare you, but help you realize it is ok to talk to an IC about it.
I have had rage issues stemming from my FOO my whole life. When they get too difficult I talk to my IC and sometimes he can offer advice or even meds to help short term (I believe the term is "leveling" or something like that).
These events mess with your brain chemistry and taking some meds to counter act that is in no way wrong.
If you had an infection you'd take antibiotics, right ?
Do you have an IC you can schedule an appointment with ? IC has been my saving grace too many times to count.
Try exercising first and getting some rest, but get to an IC. Most of the guys I have spoken with and made it through to the other side (single or reconciled) had the help of a professional.
Getting help does not make you weak, it makes you smart and salient.
I have been there too man, we all have. So sorry. It hurts like nothing else can.
Day to day is all you need to handle right now.
You will detach when you 180 hard enough to keep her out of your immediate life as much as possible.
Keeping her out of your immediate life as much as possible will get her out of mind. Think of that like quitting smoking, though. Poison leaches out over time. Exposing yourself to even second hand smoke right at the start just trails the addiction pain along at its peak.
White knuckle it for a few days of NC. Exercise, go to a psychiatrist ASAP and explain the situation and ask for help sleeping if you don't want to go on anti-depressants. Get out of your house, just go get some coffee and sit in your car and listen to some tunes. It's going to hurt no matter what you do at first, but your mind will clear little by little the less present she is in your life and the longer that continues.
Sounds good right? BUT WAIT, there's much more! Rather you get convicted, probated, jailed, or whatever there is the bail bondsman's fee ( 20% cash up front of total bail ), your lawyer's fee ( in my state you must have a trial litigator for felony charges ) $1600.00 retainer up front. Due to just being charged my Professional Insurance Bonding was dropped, ( $10,000.00 out of pocket and almost unobtainable requirements to resume coverage ).
Now for the medical bills. To stay out of prison I struck a deal with OM's attorney's to pay all his reconstructive surgery bills, reimbursment for his lost time at work, and any and all pain medications related to my manly revenge from now until his death.
Also; I was removed from all positions of authority in both my profession and commnity (read: management and school board ) because I have 'violent tendencies". My/our friends/family now act as if I ( not OM, not WW ) am some sort of freakish violent monster.
I think you get the picture Gentlemen. To date, $42,428.00 total to fix what?? To make what feel better? To make what right to me? To make amends to whom? She still su*ked his co@k, she still fu*ked him and she still lied to me for years and years. I still will never, ever trust her again. We are still struggling through R everyday.
That's revenge Gentlemen. That's what you've not gotten out of OM/WW. That's what you've missed.
I ask you fellows, exactly who won after all??
Sorry So Long.
After the past week or so of thinking I've decided to settle on having fantasies instead of making irreversible realities.
Surrender to the truth of life.
MPB - stay strong Bro.
Ice-T (yes, I'm actually quoting him) said it best...
"You'd have to spread my whole body under a microscope to find one molecule that gives a shit!"
My caveat to this is that I never met him, don't know him and he never gave me any attitude. That probably makes a difference, but I can't say for sure.
In my case, while trying to out OM to his BW, he took the phone from her and started shouting at me.
He told me that he was going to report me for harrasment (go ahead - your the one with shit to hide, not me)
He outed himself while his BW listened on.
And then he told me and my whore wife to leave him alone. That hurt, but after thinking about a while I came to a realization.
He is shit squirting scared.
He's an advertising VP. Big bucks to loose if his boss learns he's been sexting on company time.
In my line of work, I could screw his life up in so many legal, ethical ways it isn't even funny and he knows it. But I won't. I value my integrity more than his misery.
Physical revenge was never an option. His fear keeps me warm at night.
Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.