This is one of the major issues I have with most infidelity recovery philosophies. They imply that the BH must clean up all of his shit, every mean thing he ever said, every insensitive thing he ever did and convert himself into the emotional version of Fabio in a way that precisely fits his wife's taste...and her job is to stop fucking other people. As if her fucking other people was the only thing she ever did wrong in the marriage, while *everything* he did was wrong. People conveniently forget that for every WS out there with a list of grievances for their spouse's failures, there is a BS who has been married to that WS who has a list of grievances JUST AS LONG that we accepted, tolerated and loved them through in exactly the way they did not accept, tolerate and love us. Instead, our shit became the legitimate fuel to justify their behavior.
Hello goose, meet gander. If you make me pay (which you have, by fucking other people as a way of dealing with it) for everything I've done wrong, then you've stated definitively that the way relationships should work is that people make others pay for their failures. No double standards. Either that, or we have to agree that I have now paid in full for everything I've ever done wrong, and for the rest of our married life, you have to shut the fuck up about it, because I've paid. It's not my fault if your method of exacting payment didn't work for you. You can't expect me to pay twice.
/this is me on my knees doing the Wayne's World "We are not worthy" bow
Seriously, after three full years of lies, cheating with three different OM, the WW still. doesn't. get. it.
Whenever we argue it ALWAYS comes back to shit I did that somehow started her down this path. Always.
And, the quote above also brings me to another pet peeve...the double standard of infidelity in TV and movies.
When a man cheats on his wife he a lowlife slug who is bound to get what's coming to him. When a woman cheats, though, it's usually presented as a wild, romantic response to an overbearing, asshole husband, and she's usually presented as stressed, overworked with kids and home and unappreciated. Makes me sick
Status: Divorced and relieved
Friday night WW got really upset because she found out that a rumor was going around her old town that she slept with a married dude, which I'm going to assume she didn't as she contacted his wife directly to get to the bottom of it (and let me see it) someone told her that OM#1 was behind the rumor (OM 1 and 2 are from the same hometown as WW)
She sent OM1 a really ugly message about it (again, letting me read it) and a text telling him to read his fb messages (they blocked each other after this last incident)
So she went out tonight,and I checked the texts online - they exchanged quite a few over the last 24 hours. She got home tonight and was pretty drunk,and my warning bells were going off.
Sure enough, I waited for her to pass out and checked her phone. She had deleted almost all the texts to him, but there was one that said, "sorry, I thought you might want some new pictures". Uh-oh.
Then I see her secret gmail account is back on her phone, so I check the sent box, and yep....she sent him three nude pictures tonight from the bathroom while she was getting ready.
I've just now gone back and forwarded one to my account for some evidence if and when I need it.
Shit. I was hoping not to have to do any divorce nastiness this fall - all our kids' birthdays are soon, plus Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I didn't want them to have any bad associations with their birthdays or holidays. I may not have a choice now.
A buddy told me about a very reasonably priced lawyer who can give me a free consultation, so I will go see him on the sly soon and see what he thinks my options are. I'm not going to confront about this latest incident or tell her about seeing a lawyer - I'm done with these long fights, blameshifting and passive aggressiveness.
Oh yeah, this is on the heels of one of my best friends, a guys I've known since I was eight, passing away overseas on Aug 1. WW promised it was a "sign" for her (he was bipolar and passed away after going of meds and bingeing) and or the last two or three weeks been a "changed woman" who will be "there for me" and "get me through this". His funeral is next week.
Nice going, bitch.
[This message edited by Cannon at 1:53 AM, August 19th (Sunday)]
Turns out: mOM is only just separated from BW. He an architect working 2 jobs and isn't helping his BW with much financially. I earn 6 times as much as dipshit. She makes peanuts as a HS teacher. They have 2 boys. He has been spending the nights still and sleeping with his wife. I know, I was surprised she opened up to me so fast. She was shocked, but took it well. She said he did the exact same thing 3 years ago (picked up an old HS classmate on Facebook).
So when I go back and discuss this to my WW she is so fucking brain dead, she doesn't believe me. I am the liar. I am the cheater, the wife beater, the looser, the asshole, the jerk, the terrible father.
Just for the record - I am none of those things. She is sick and I can't get her to IC. She says I am the broken one.
I have an appointment Thursday to sign the dissolution and file. Sigh....
[This message edited by kchip at 4:55 AM, August 19th (Sunday)]
Sorry about your mate passing.
So let me get this straight - your wife is still sending nudes, has secret gmail accounts, and is going out and getting drunk without you? I think the visit to the lawyer is past due. And I agree with not letting your wife know - it's not like she is giving you a heads up on her activities. Sorry man.
Kchip - yeah, there seems to be a pattern with the WW believing the OM would never lie to them. They can't allow that bubble to get burst and realize that the person they are fucking is a low life piece of shit because it just might tell them too much about themselves.
JJCT, so now the Marble Collectors are going to take on dirty cops? Cool.
Now, every movie needs some music...I'm thinking this will be our opener - fits right in with the twisty, funny, caper note we're playing. I think of it as 'The Faithful Man's Anthem'
but of course, that's not its title:
With apologies to wal for the twang, I think this would be the opener...
(he actually made that instrument!)
It's Ruination T. Cornpone time fellas!
i know he made his own single guitar, not sure about the double.
I wish both of you peace. You reach a point and know you are done. You know that it takes two to save a marriage and that the other person really could not care less about it.
Get good lawyers and bring the hammer. My only advice is to only be nice when it benefits you BECAUSE DIVORCE IS WAR. Never, ever, ever give up.
And then, the revenge came anyways. Not in the form of injury or illness, but in the form of realization...as in my 12-year-old just put two and two together and found out that his mom and her 'friend' were cheating whores. I know there are a few WWs out there that are so far gone that their kids' respect doesn't even break through, but most of them are still somewhat human in regards to their children. When my son figured it out, he lost so much respect for them, it actually hurt me...and yet I felt so very vindicated. And I know my xWW and her OM will go through this four more times. For me, that is all the karma, all the revenge, I will ever need...in fact, it is more than I would wish, because I did (and somewhere, still do) love that woman that my WW once was, and do love my kids and hate to see them in pain...well, the kids anyways.
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick
True story. I arrived early for a John Fahey gig at some bar in Lexington, Ky...place was empty, and I thought wth? It's Fahey!
So I sat front and center, waiting, while the place filled up. He must have noticed his "fan"...in the middle of the set, he handed me his other guitar and asked me to help him tune it!
I'm sure my eyes were wide as saucers.
Me and my buddies played music during the hangout days. Big giant jams.
I have to be selective about the music I hear now...like, from the offerings here, etc.
If a song is bumped here at SI? - in a couple of months, it will be heard non-stop on the radio. We're ahead of the curve I tell ya.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend Cannon!
rsu7 said it -
You reach a point where you just know.
I call it the time when my brain met my heart.
It was audible. The schnick of a key fitting a lock.
I can't believe no one else heard it.
WTH5 - I am your 12 year old. I really need time with you now. Fishin, walkin, clownin, rasslin....I don't care. I just need time with you and your strong, good arms.
Sorry for the loss of your friend. One thing I learned through this is the power of good friends. Stay strong.
I gave WW a chance last night to come clean and she didn't take it.
We were out on the deck and I told her that I checked the phone records and there were lots of texts between her and OM #1, but most seemed to be form her to him. I told her I checked her phone and brought up that she had deleted all the texts, too.
She said she was sending him mean messages trying to get him to respond to the rumor, and that his responses were that he is sick again (another possible throat cancer scare) and that he reminded her he still has the original pictures.
She said that his sickness made her feel guilty about being mean, so her last few messages were trying to be nice.
Nothing about sending pics, of course. And the last few messages I saw (as I mentioned) made it sound like those pics were unsolicited - no blackmail involved.
It really made me sad. I thought that there might be a small glimmer of hope (I know, I know...)had she come clean...but she didn't.
I just got this message from her at work, as a matter of fact:
At this point, I really don't care if (OM#1) created the rumor, contributed to it or anything else. I've completely deleted my gmail account so he cannot reach me that way, he's blocked on my hotmail account and I'm about to do a google search to see how to block someone on your phone. I was really mad at him and sent him tons of mean messages but he is not even worth my time, energy or emotions. Most of my messages just begged him to read his fb message from me. I wrote that Friday night and told you I was composing a really mean message that night. He never answered my question as to whether he contributed to the rumor or not which makes me think he did and that's okay. I don't care anymore. His responses were short...that he was sick again (I suppose I was supposed to feel sympathy) and that he still had pictures (I suppose I was supposed to feel threatened by that). Anyway, it doesn't matter because I'm just letting it go. I'll give you all my passwords tonight it that will make you feel better. I really don't mind you going into my accounts.
Like I said....just sad. Plus the fact that she wanted to be all affectionate yesterday. SMH. It's like really almost pathological behavior
And thanks for the kind words on the loss of my friend, everyone. And taildragger, I'd have been out the door yesterday if I didn't have kids or finances to consider. We are both in eduation and are barely making ends meet now with three kids. A divorce is going to put us and the kids in a world of hurt.
Hang in there.
that's not pathological, that was a well thought out response to try and derail you, you can be sure that every thing that can be deleted...will be.
Get a plan together, before she beats you to it.
Get a plan together and execute it. She is continuing to play you and is demonstrating she is not remorseful or interested in the sanctity of your marriage. Sending nudes? really? after all you have been through.....
I wish you strength, you and your kids deserve better.
[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:11 AM, August 21st (Tuesday)]
As far as a plan, I've set up an appointment with an attorney next week to go over my options.
We have a mediation agreement from our separation two years ago that we never filed, but I don't know if it's applicable any more.
We'll see what he says next week