She is a little girl
I think of my WW the same way. She has said to me that when I talk to her I make her feel like a child. When I told my IC that he said, "ummm, so she feels like a child. There is some good information there."
Work on yourself man. WAL is spot on.
Bottom line detaching is best. We can't change them. What I can do is point out what I want the M to be. Then ask her if she is willing to work on that with me. Then watch and observe. There is no flow. I want measurable action at this point.
Taken from Wikipedia
"ACT is developed within a pragmatic philosophy called functional contextualism. ACT is based on Relational Frame Theory (RFT), a comprehensive theory of language and cognition that is framed as an offshoot of behavior analysis. ACT differs from traditional cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in that rather than trying to teach people to better control their thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories and other private events, ACT teaches them to "just notice," accept, and embrace their private events, especially previously unwanted ones. ACT helps the individual get in contact with a transcendent sense of self known as "self-as-context"—the you that is always there observing and experiencing and yet distinct from one's thoughts, feelings, sensations, and memories. ACT aims to help the individual clarify their personal values and to take action on them, bringing more vitality and meaning to their life in the process, increasing their psychological flexibility.
While Western psychology has typically operated under the "healthy normality" assumption which states that by their nature, humans are psychologically healthy, ACT assumes, rather, that psychological processes of a normal human mind are often destructive. The core conception of ACT is that psychological suffering is usually caused by experiential avoidance, cognitive entanglement, and resulting psychological rigidity that leads to a failure to take needed behavioral steps in accord with core values. As a simple way to summarize the model, ACT views the core of many problems to be due to the concepts represented in the acronym, FEAR:
-Fusion with your thoughts
-Evaluation of experience
-Avoidance of your experience
-Reason-giving for your behavior
And the healthy alternative is to ACT:
-Accept your reactions and be present
-Choose a valued direction
And it is one less step in the process!!
Thoughts going out to you. I HATE the legal system (and yes I am/was a trial lawyer...quit last Monday).
We are also a no fault state, but believe me, most judges will bend over backwards to get the "right" result. Hopefully you have one of those judges, and even if it is a no fault state, he will see where the fault does lie, and he will do the "right" thing.
Thoughts with you brother.
Wow. My best to you and your kids. Keep strong and well, to be blunt, fuck her.
I'm in a no fault state also. My sitch would not be pretty if I go down that path. Not a reason not to, but ugly non the less.
take care of yourself.
He says it costs so much because it is sooo worth it.
good luck MPB
That's a fact. Good luck MPB and God bless.
I have some self-doubt, and now, some fear for the future, just when I was getting comfortable not giving a fuck. Is that normal?
I can't tell you from a statistical perspective, but from mine I think it is normal. One thing my MC said to me was, "your wife, no matter what she says or does will never say of do it perfectly. You need to fix you."
If she really is giving all you have asked for and you are having self doubts, they are yours to deal with. Take time, be kind to yourself, clear your mind for a while and re-evaluate. Good to hear she is trying to put in the effort.
I'm just ideating out in the open - maybe fantasizing, heh...
that there might be, you know, some actual justice.
Praying for you.
wonderboy, should I be sorry you quit, or is there a new (and better) path? It's good to have a law-guy as part of the "team" here.
I've been tickling the idea of becoming a PI...sort of a cheater-finder guy...
Fine, maybe I'm just self-medicating
I drink for medicinal purposes, after all...
I'm sick of being sober.
westerly, having doubts is completely normal.
It sounds like you're pressuring yourself to forgive(?). There are tons of discussions on forgiveness on here as you can imagine.
- acceptance = acknowledge (that it happened)
acceptance does not mean "allow", in this context.
What worked for me was praying for the "they know not what they do" type of forgiveness. It was ok for me to admit that I couldn't do it, and to ask for it to be done for me in my heart.
Since I'm dealing with no empathy and a remorseless, villainizing, vindictive one, it has been difficult. But I accept it as a "process", and back off forcing myself, and let myself experience just "what is". Whatever is.
Take your time to let your heart and gut and feelings settle down to peace and certainty.
I've tagged the following thread to my profile to fetch it easily, since it's not in the healing library:
Hope it helps.
Strength and honor men!
I'd say your detachment is critical to maintain your sanity and getting a sense of self back. I did the opposite and now bear scars which I will carry for the rest of my life. Truth be told, I am envious that at least you are getting good advice so early into DDay and that you're seeing her true colors so early on. It took me a whole year to realise that this was someone I really did not know and who would consciously continue to harm me, the kids and the M for her selfish ends.
MPB))) you go bro. You're on a crusade to protect your kids no less and I wish and pray for the best outcome for you.
I have been thinking about D a lot lately. The tough reality is I want to see my kids every day. That is my main focus. With that being true it follows that I stay.
With this as a given I really need to let go of outcome and focus completely on me. That is what I am doing and better and better everyday.
Hard sad truth is I very well may end up with a loveless marriage. Not a bad one all together but just not one that I would choose.
For me the stay for the kids may be as much about me as it is for them. Partly selfish? Yep. I hate this shit.
Sometimes I think that would be worse than not seeing them at all.
That is an incredibly selfish thought I have had as well. Flee. Start over. Our kids would be scared far worse than we can ever imagine. Must worse than D.
thats the thread started elsewhere. Anyone in a similar situation? How do you deal with the not knowing?
I realize that R takes a long time to get to, but unfortunately there is a pregnancy complicating everything. I am planning on telling her that I won't raise another mans child. I feel like I need the solid answer on this stuff SOON!! I honestly feel like we could come out stronger on the other side of this. And I know that it's possible. I guess I just need to hear from other guys that it's possible. i don't know. the people on the other thread seem too bitter over their own situations to be straightforward.
I think you need to get together with your WW and tell her how it is, how you feel, and what you expect. Be the better person and be totally honest.
Tell her, I cannot deal with raising OM's child, and maybe we should just call it a day and go our seperate ways.
I'm with you on that one. I made the FWW get tested for STD's and pregency, and told her if she got pregnated by the OM, we were done.
[This message edited by jimbo25319 at 10:04 PM, April 15th (Sunday)]
Aborting the OM's baby, especially if he wants her to keep it, is going to forge a trauma bond between them that points squarely at you as their mutual abuser. You killed their baby.
Having said that, I'd make aborting the baby a definite requirement if I was dead set on staying in the relationship. I wouldn't raise some other guy's kid, either. (Not really. I'd adopt a kid. I'd marry a woman why had kids. I would not raise some OM's bastard.)
I mean, if you *can* wrap your head around that -- and I've seen a few guys around here do it -- good on you. You're a better man than I am. Or you've figured out a way to get half of his income in CS, which is pretty good revenge for 20 some odd years.
I think you can come out with a stronger relationship after infidelity, but a great deal of that hinges on whether or not your wife can do the sorts of work on herself necessary to pull her weight in an adult relationship. It's amazing how much better marriages get when one person isn't getting cornholed on a regular basis by an OP and invest themselves in the relationship.
I do have to tell you that I agree with some of the posters on your previous thread. The agrument that she got pregnant after one sexual encounter with a multi-month EA and because the condom broke is almost always a complete line of shit. She's very likely minimizing to cover her ass, because if she can pawn it off as essentially an ONS gone wrong, she can wheedle you into accepting the baby and accepting the OM as the father, and thus a fixture in your life. It's a cake-eating mentality.
If you do end up deciding to work this out and keep the baby, you need to start working now towards getting yourself kept off the birth certificate and protecting yourself financially in the event that baby-mommy and baby-daddy decide to form their own family unit in the future. You do not want to end up paying this fuckhead CS for the next 20 years to raise his own kid because you decided to give your cheating wife the benefit of the doubt. That would be a tragedy. It sounds all noble and reconcilation-y when your head is a fucked up with the trauma of discovery and you still believe you're married to a wonderful woman who made a little mistake, but it sucks donkey balls in real life when you're living in a shithole apartment and financing their family vacations to Vegas.