64 & all)))
After meeting with the lawyer he said the mediation agreement from two years ago was very solid. The only rub would be if she didn't agree anymore on giving me the house (she was in such a hurry to get away from her terrible, terrible husband that she just told me I could have it), then we'd have to renegotiate.
He recommended against a custody fight, as I expected. He said it would probably be very costly (financially and emotionally) with very little likelihood of success.
So my plan now is to refinance, see if I can get a more manageable mortgage payment, then have the conversation early next year after the kids' b-days and the holidays.
In the meantime, last night I embarked on a fun little diversion. I suspected that WW has already signed up on a dating website, and confirmed it last night by signing up myself (seriously....you can't make this shit up )
I created a dude that has very similar interests to her and found a random picture of her "type". I'm going to contact her and see if I can do the "Pina Colada Song" thing. Should be pretty fun
Status: Divorced and relieved
She is broken in many fundamental ways and will never change.
I am screwed in a D in the state I live in (my fault for having a penis) I would get destroyed in a D.
I have to be a hard ass with her at times or she will start acting like a fool and treat me poorly. She only responds to punishment.
I am trapped and at least with the kids grow up I can be free again.
Sad but true but the sooner you accept and live a life that no longer has the marriage as the center of the universe but yourself and the kids the better you will be off.
I am genrally happy despite my M not because of it.
Take heart guys, it gets better.
Cannon, you sound better my friend - glad to see you seeing what she is. Enjoy yourself - heh, methinks joy's been in short supply round your parts...when it turns to sad joy...aka: knowing
(I got to preDICKting stage hahahah whaddapunny guy!)
I could've had her 20 ways from sunday - guess what? By then I didn't care and it didn't matter - process the shit sandwich at your own speed eh?
Eventually, you'll put it down, that sad shit sammich, then?
Then life will taste real gud!
What do you do to "Make it through the night", as it were? What helps you beat back the tide and drain away the stress?
I, I'll be sorry to admit, have developed a somewhat troubling affection for Scotch.
Scotch, scotch, wonderful scotch. A lovely 15 year old Glen Fiddich I'm currently enjoying.
Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.
True words - you HAVE to get some control back to survive this crap. Filing made all the difference for me. Once I had my feet under me and could make more rational (notice I did not say entirely rational) decisions, things got WAY better.
In fact, I am positive we would not be R (and right now, the best times of our entire marriage since the first few years) if I had not done that.
I've been going to the gym regularly for the past 4 months. Lost 25 lbs. Actually, I look so good I think WW is nervous of the competition.
Just felt a little down and anxious last night, like the walls were closing in. This morning reminded me why drinking is not an effective stress reliever.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 9:52 AM, August 31st (Friday)]
the list goes on and on my friend!
she can say whatever the hell she wants about whay YOU DID(or didnt ) do that "led her" to do this crap, but the fact is, you didnt cause it,choose it, or have any say what the fuck so ever it.
SHE DID IT. Not you.
resentments...pffshhht...im so fucking tired of that word!
what she has is "grudges", not resentments, theres a big difference.
resentments are legitimate hurts that go unresolved by the offender.
Grudges are typically recycled excuses that passive aggressive people use to "justify" treating others like shit and expecting them to "understand what led them to do it".
so, what was it that you did that was so terrible?
for me, it was not packing the diaper bag for the sitters often enough.
working too much.
oh, and i gave her wedgie once like five years prior in front of my brother, that apparently "changed her opinion of me"
what you need to remember is that the laws of cognitive dissonance prevail here.
they will use whatever ammo they can find(or make up) to relieve their guilt.
let that shit go right out the other ear.
or cut it off at knees as it comes outta mouth.
either way, fuhgetahboutit, its bullshit.
if you are happy with yourself, dont let her distorted opinion of you change that.
if you feel you need or could improve in areas(cant we all) then do it.
You're only a little over a month since Dday, and every one of us understands the suck, and what the hell do I do craziness.
Pay extra attention to wal's posts on here. He is very gifted in describing the process, particularly in your stage of the process.
There's plenty more.
I hope you realize,
anything she says about you & things you've supposedly done at this point is an attempt to avoid herself.
Like, maybe you could deal with her *resentment* when she gets the smell of strange cock off her - would that work?
Sorry to be so blunt, but I remember your story...maybe re-read some of that excellent advice on there:
Me? My 1st x recruited my boys into her deception and lies.
It damaged them.
That's why I take the approach with you that I do.
If she's not slobberknocked and as a result, absolutely focused on fixing the damage to her own children...what?
Whaddya got here?
You know what? What's wrong with answering
"I told you it's all I got."
"Ok here, then."
& serving her the filed D papers.
"This is all I got."
"There's the door."
You know the time it takes to finalize them things?
She has time to pull her head out. Before it's done.
Figuring out her shit is not on you. She's got to do it.
I'm sorry you're even having to listen to any more bullshit about
"things you did"
If full-blown remorse ain't flowing out in big snot-bubbles from her...
it's just fucking noise.
Fuck that noise.
Yesterday, WW asked me if I wanted to spend some time with my boys. I said of course, and took them to the mall and stuff for a couple of hours. They wanted a new xbox game so I bought them one. So of course they wanted to go home to play it. When we got back to the house they started playing and I sat there with all the computers in the house passworded. I texted the WW asking for the password. No response. So as my blood begins to boil I decide to have a look around the house. It didnt take long before I found her affair lingerie and a valentine card from this year that she gave him. I guess he couldn't take it home to his BS. So she kept it for him.
This really set me off.
I took all her shit out to the backyard and poured gas on it and set it on fire. Then, took a pic and texted it to her.
She got home 30 minutes later. And of course went ballistic. I told her "what do you expect?.
So, It was horrible. Felt like another dday. Unremorseful, blameshifting,gaslighting. My WW is some piece of work.
So, this morning - I have decided to call the attorney first thing Tuesday and go back and sign so D can be filed.
I have had another terribly long night and morning. i am simply shocked and heartbroken that she has done this - and then blamed me for it.
Its my hope that I will get some self respect and self esteem back. I feel so depressed about all of this. I have been unable to truly 180. I just can't hold it together.
Any attempts at communication over this issue are met with an “I told you this is all I have to give right now…” I mean, she’s not pining for her lover, she’s not wishing this M was over, she’s just sad and depressed. What the hell do I do???
Tell her that it isn't enough and 180, imo.
I am one of those guys whose wife threw in 100%. She would say shit like that but then turn around an hour or two later after thinking about it, apologize and talk about things.
If you want to wait for her to work her shit out, at her pace, to her own satisfaction, that is your call. Could even work I guess. Ultimately, though, that control you have right there is the same control you have over your own life and how you want to lay out your boundaries.
Be clear, up front and uncompromising. This affair was all about her weakness already. If she can't put on her big girl panties and handle it when you're bleeding out because she gut stuck you, that's a pretty clear message, that she's either unwilling or incapable.
It's called projection. For some people who engage in very self-destructive behavior they project their feelings of anger and self-loathing outwards. Usually the feelings are directed most to the person they've hurt the most. Your willing to go with R and she cannot understand that. Right now she likely hates herself and thinks she is worthless so how can you possible want her? Or want R? Some people simply cannot face their own demons and accept those negative things about themselves. However, they cannot escape the facts of their life either so they have anger, resentment and even hatred and have to put it somewhere.
If this applies to her then you cannot do anything to help her snap out of it. It has to come from within. Go 180 for your own health.
Another thing to remember is that hostility is another way to maintain a relationship. Disengaging as much as possible deprives her of being able to stay "connected" with you.
You directed your question to WS's. WS's are not allowed to answer on the Betrayed Men thread.
This thread is a good place for you to find support but do not ask questions of WS's on a thread that they cannot post on.
This is the appropriate thread for your question:
Married 24 years
DD 22 DS 20
Just about Reconciled