Why would my WW risk all.
The answer to the question of why she would do that? MPB nailed it. She's broken, sociopathic and narcissistic. So was my xWW.
You will never a get rational reason out of them that will make you feel better about their decision. And you will almost certainly never get any real remorse either. They may express regret because of what it costs them. That's it.
kchip, your WW has been able to have you out of the house so she could continue the A without restriction all of this time. One of the questions any BH asks themselves when their WW wants R is do they want me or need my support? She had your support without you. Her actions tell you what you what she really wanted.
Get out. Don't restrain your lawyer in fighting for your rights. I don't care how uncomfortable anything your lawyer advises may be. Your lawyer is your advocate. If they are good then let them be effective for you and get the results. I've heard of too many cases where the lawyer could have done so much better for their client but the client waivered and questioned themselves. Don't do that. Your WW will try to play you to keep from paying for her mistakes. You don't stop a dentist in the middle of a root canal and question whether it's what you want. You let them get through it as quick as possible.
She's moving back home with bitch MIL, she just doesn't know it.
Sorry about the shit your going through. Glad to hear you have a plan for next week.
That is the one thing I have wondered, why are you out of your house? Seems she should be on the street or at least you should allow yourself to be there too.
Dude, you are one strong MF.
Hope y'all are doin ok... well, as best as you can be!
Working on myself through IC, NA meetings, intensive outpatient program, and lots of digging. Praying for R.
I am 72 days clean. If you're struggling and only just getting sober, make 2 meetings a day if you can. Hopefully you can take some time off for this, so you can focus on meetings and getting a sponsor.
I nearly drank myself to death after dday. I wanted to die. I literally woke up on my kitchen floor with blood everywhere (i broke a glass and walked all over it). I crawled to the sink and poured 1/2 bottle of vodka down the drain. Dressed, and went to an AA meeting.
Was that a higher power doing for me what I couldn't do for myself? I think so.
Hang in there man.
Last TT was in September. Yes, it sucks. Worst part was is that if it had come out earlier it wouldn't have hurt as bad, it just served to reopen some closed wounds. The timeline she gave me in January? It was about 50% of the story. To her credit, she did tell me things I wouldn't have found out on my own, but a lot of it I suspected. She minimized everything - flashing once on Skype was code for full on sexting with toys in our living room, that kind of thing. Plus a whole lot of other shit. Worst part is none of it was necessary. I knew she had an affair, I knew she did all the shit that disgusts the hell out of me, all I was asking for was complete honesty so I could begin to heal. She has put me in a position now where I just don't think I'll ever know the whole truth (I'm not talking nit picky shit either). Yes, it would have been embarrassing for her to tell me. Yes, it would have hurt like hell to find it out all at once. But as anyone who has been TT'd, it's a killer to your soul. She has checkmated herself by doing this, because I don't think she has the courage to tell me anything else she may be hiding, because I've had "the truth" so many times now, only to find out "except this". I could be wrong, maybe she finally has told me everything, but my gut says no. Just too many inconsistencies remaining, things that just don't make sense. It sucks, because other than the mind movies, sadness, nightmares, crying, and depression R is going well. I love her, always have, just wish she loved me enough back to be honest with me.
But as anyone who has been TT'd, it's a killer to your soul. She has checkmated herself by doing this, because I don't think she has the courage to tell me anything else she may be hiding, because I've had "the truth" so many times now, only to find out "except this". I could be wrong, maybe she finally has told me everything, but my gut says no.
My gut still screams that there is more, but she swears that I know everything. Because of the TT, I can never believe her, even if she has told me everything, my gut will probably always think there is more, and I am having to learn to accept it. Its difficult, and it sucks.
The shitty part later on is trying to accept that if things went on a long time, there really are going to be details she will have forgotten and may resurface. It's shitty because it's hard not to react to it like it's TT for us, and hard for her to bring it up because it's new information she knows we won't believe she honestly forgot about as unimportant to her.
When your wife reaches the point where she starts to qualify that stuff with "all I can remember for now" and "Anything else I can remember I will try to tell you" - and she actually does it - it gets easier, like a blockage has been removed and information can start to go back and forth. I'm thinking like that one episode in Avatar, the cool Avatar with the little bald kid not the movie that had me cheering for the logging industry. There was something with banana soup and chakras. Whatever.
When your wife reaches the point where she starts to qualify that stuff with "all I can remember for now" and "Anything else I can remember I will try to tell you" - and she actually does it - it gets easier
I'm looking forward to that possibility. Now if I could just get past this first A season...
She doesn't even seem to know all the details. She forgot some and blocked even more out. She remembers stuff randomly and still tells me though, I don't consider it trickle truth. Especially because it's usually brought about by me asking very minute almost unimportant details. Shit I can't remember from last week I'm asking her to try and recall from 7 months ago, that sort of thing. I still ask questions that sometimes get "I don't really remember, I'll try to though" but more often than not she tries to answer everything.
I'd be suspicious if she told me I knew everything or that she told me everything. The details I do know are enough, they fill in (arbitrary number) 80-90% of what happened I believe. That's good enough to move forward.
Surrender to the truth of life.
A few weeks ago I caught her in a small lie that I knew was hiding something bigger. It took a couple of days and then 2 hours of her lying to my face before she admitted she knew she was lying. It then took another 7-10 days before the 'bigger truth' slipped out and that gut feeling I had about the little lie hiding more was right on. My gut feelings have been damn near dead on and that's what makes this so difficult. I still have several of those feelings so how in the heck do I think about R when I know my WW still lies to my face and I don't even know the extent of what she did? Throw in that she's been diagnosed as bipolar so I can't hardly bring anything up without her flipping out and either giving up entirely or planning a way to end her life and I don't know what I want to do.
I keep thinking I just need to give it time and maybe she'll get all better and my feelings for her will return, but I don't know anymore.
My gut feelings have been damn near dead on and that's what makes this so difficult. I still have several of those feelings so how in the heck do I think about R when I know my WW still lies to my face and I don't even know the extent of what she did?
Well, after she quits lying and doubles down on aiming for consistent truth, it slowly dials down the distrust. In the first few weeks my wife TT'd, a lot. Major lies, then smaller lies. It got to where I was pretty much done, at one point I walked out, thinking I was just going to drive away and be done. OMW to my car our then 7 y/o son rode up on his bike and asked me all cheerfully where I was going. I hugged him and went back inside.
Big horrible lies, like unearthing the secret email account. Finding letters that were never sent which confirmed denied suspicions. Little things like gifts she'd bought or things they'd done.
Finally I just hit a numb place, stopped caring. I remember telling her I had no hope for any of this, she freaked out.
At the same time, she'd see herself doing this shit. She'd trip over herself with it and get up and try to fix it, eventually. Like talking about the 2 to 5 year timeframe people give, she told me she couldn't live like that. Then a couple hours later she came back and apologized for saying that, and took it back. We talked about it.
She started to come back later on with little truths and confessions. She stood up for me in MC, she never blamed me for her behaviors once after dday. After 6 months, when she hit the wall of self-shame and anger at her own shit, I couldn't rationally believe she was lying about everything anymore but it still felt like that.
A year and a half out it still burned in my gut. Weeks of relentless TT undermines trust so much that it's just gone. Gone completely. You can want to, you can wade into the dark betting on it, but it's been burned into your head that this person isn't safe, and nothing she says can be trusted.
Eventually that fades. If she keeps correcting herself, you'll see the progress she's made eventually. You should see her slowly work towards being someone she wants to be. Consistency over time with truth, PTSD symptoms can still needs more help than that. Eventually it fades, though. The truth is inexorable and if enough time goes by that a new lie hasn't been found then the trust comes back.
Throw in that she's been diagnosed as bipolar so I can't hardly bring anything up without her flipping out and either giving up entirely or planning a way to end her life and I don't know what I want to do.
If she's been diagnosed bipolar by a medical professional then she needs professional treatment. I know WAL went through that, I don't think I've seen him post lately. Which is a shame, he could probably have said all that with less sap and better articulation.
If she isn't seeing a doctor and taking meds then it's probably only a matter of time before something bad happens again.
I don't buy "I don't remember".
I remember this is the same person that excoriated me for leaving the toilet seat up.
WW is on a leave of absence from work and is doing intensive outpatient therapy, so I'm hoping that will help. The bipolar helps explain how she's been able to shit on me for so many years. It also gives a clue how she could watch me do everything with the kids while she locked herself in the bedroom and at the same time convince herself that it was me not loving her and she needed to go somewhere else for that. So damn screwed up. She somewhat gets what a crappy wife and mother she's been, but I honestly don't think she can completely comprehend it.
She's trying hard and fighting the urge to sleep all the time and is actually participating in the family now, but she is missing the mark when it comes to telling the truth and owning up. She also can't get her own self-pity out of her head long enough to really focus on me. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her she is killing me with the TT and that if she could have just given me everything up front, it probably wouldn't have even mattered. I'm at a point right now where I've just shut down from talking about it because it gets me nowhere. I know it is going to hurt when I learn new stuff and I'm F'd up bad enough the way it is.
Sometimes I think the only option is to just try R while still feeling like my WW is a serial liar, but how in the world can that actually work? It isn't even so much that I want to know details, its just that I want to feel like I can trust her a little bit.
What a concept. Take all the energy you've put on fixing her to fixing yourself.