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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why would my WW risk all.
This same question could be (and still is) asked of my xWW (I love adding the 'x' btw). She didn't work while I worked two jobs minimum providing a much better lifestyle than she ever had on her own. Now? She's scrambling to get work because she doesn't have me around to pay for everything.

The answer to the question of why she would do that? MPB nailed it. She's broken, sociopathic and narcissistic. So was my xWW.

You will never a get rational reason out of them that will make you feel better about their decision. And you will almost certainly never get any real remorse either. They may express regret because of what it costs them. That's it.

kchip, your WW has been able to have you out of the house so she could continue the A without restriction all of this time. One of the questions any BH asks themselves when their WW wants R is do they want me or need my support? She had your support without you. Her actions tell you what you what she really wanted.

Get out. Don't restrain your lawyer in fighting for your rights. I don't care how uncomfortable anything your lawyer advises may be. Your lawyer is your advocate. If they are good then let them be effective for you and get the results. I've heard of too many cases where the lawyer could have done so much better for their client but the client waivered and questioned themselves. Don't do that. Your WW will try to play you to keep from paying for her mistakes. You don't stop a dentist in the middle of a root canal and question whether it's what you want. You let them get through it as quick as possible.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3365 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got a plan for next week. Waiting on my attorney to call me today. I've come to the conclusion that this is to far gone and I'm going to spring a supersize dose of reality on WW.

She's moving back home with bitch MIL, she just doesn't know it.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey kchip,

Sorry about the shit your going through. Glad to hear you have a plan for next week.

That is the one thing I have wondered, why are you out of your house? Seems she should be on the street or at least you should allow yourself to be there too.

Dude, you are one strong MF.

Jack



I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
DontTreadOnMe
♂ Member
Member # 35240
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys. I know its been awhile so I wanted to say hi. I decided to get sober recently and have been dealing with a lot of feelings that have been bottled up for awhile now. Damn it hurts. I asked Lost to move out about 6 weeks ago. We still have a commitment but are working on ourselves for the most part. But I hope we end up OK. Her growth and understanding of herself during her A has made me admire her.

Hope y'all are doin ok... well, as best as you can be!


Me: WH/BH, 27 (addict in recovery)
Her: Lost333, BW/FWW, My DDay: 2/19/12, Hers: 9/29/12

Working on myself through IC, NA meetings, intensive outpatient program, and lots of digging. Praying for R.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good to hear from you, DTOM


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTOM,

I am 72 days clean. If you're struggling and only just getting sober, make 2 meetings a day if you can. Hopefully you can take some time off for this, so you can focus on meetings and getting a sponsor.

I nearly drank myself to death after dday. I wanted to die. I literally woke up on my kitchen floor with blood everywhere (i broke a glass and walked all over it). I crawled to the sink and poured 1/2 bottle of vodka down the drain. Dressed, and went to an AA meeting.

Was that a higher power doing for me what I couldn't do for myself? I think so.

Hang in there man.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 5th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TRED,
I followed your story awhile back.....last I remember is that she had given you a time line and then I read where she is still TTing you.....has that improved since May.....hate that for you.....succcks.


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jun 2011
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 5th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long Gone,

Last TT was in September. Yes, it sucks. Worst part was is that if it had come out earlier it wouldn't have hurt as bad, it just served to reopen some closed wounds. The timeline she gave me in January? It was about 50% of the story. To her credit, she did tell me things I wouldn't have found out on my own, but a lot of it I suspected. She minimized everything - flashing once on Skype was code for full on sexting with toys in our living room, that kind of thing. Plus a whole lot of other shit. Worst part is none of it was necessary. I knew she had an affair, I knew she did all the shit that disgusts the hell out of me, all I was asking for was complete honesty so I could begin to heal. She has put me in a position now where I just don't think I'll ever know the whole truth (I'm not talking nit picky shit either). Yes, it would have been embarrassing for her to tell me. Yes, it would have hurt like hell to find it out all at once. But as anyone who has been TT'd, it's a killer to your soul. She has checkmated herself by doing this, because I don't think she has the courage to tell me anything else she may be hiding, because I've had "the truth" so many times now, only to find out "except this". I could be wrong, maybe she finally has told me everything, but my gut says no. Just too many inconsistencies remaining, things that just don't make sense. It sucks, because other than the mind movies, sadness, nightmares, crying, and depression R is going well. I love her, always have, just wish she loved me enough back to be honest with me.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
faithfulfool
♂ Member
Member # 34252
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 5th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But as anyone who has been TT'd, it's a killer to your soul. She has checkmated herself by doing this, because I don't think she has the courage to tell me anything else she may be hiding, because I've had "the truth" so many times now, only to find out "except this". I could be wrong, maybe she finally has told me everything, but my gut says no.

^^Woah, Scary how much this sounds like it could have come from my own head. I got a lot of TT too.

My gut still screams that there is more, but she swears that I know everything. Because of the TT, I can never believe her, even if she has told me everything, my gut will probably always think there is more, and I am having to learn to accept it. Its difficult, and it sucks.


--------------
Me: BH(33)
Her: fWW(31)
Married 8 yrs, together 15. no kids
D-day: 7/15/11
TT thru 4/24/12

Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: The South (USA)
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 5th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"That's everything" is pretty much code for "There's more I'm not telling you"

The shitty part later on is trying to accept that if things went on a long time, there really are going to be details she will have forgotten and may resurface. It's shitty because it's hard not to react to it like it's TT for us, and hard for her to bring it up because it's new information she knows we won't believe she honestly forgot about as unimportant to her.

When your wife reaches the point where she starts to qualify that stuff with "all I can remember for now" and "Anything else I can remember I will try to tell you" - and she actually does it - it gets easier, like a blockage has been removed and information can start to go back and forth. I'm thinking like that one episode in Avatar, the cool Avatar with the little bald kid not the movie that had me cheering for the logging industry. There was something with banana soup and chakras. Whatever.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7112 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 5th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When your wife reaches the point where she starts to qualify that stuff with "all I can remember for now" and "Anything else I can remember I will try to tell you" - and she actually does it - it gets easier

I'm looking forward to that possibility. Now if I could just get past this first A season...


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, October 7th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know in my case I feel there is stuff I'll never know. After a while you just let it go and focus on you-now I know why many old men fish or hunt all the time-anything to get out of the house.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
VD2012
♂ Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know all the details of my wife's affair. I do know most of it though. She was in a mentally bad place and was just generally fucked in the head for a few months sadly.

She doesn't even seem to know all the details. She forgot some and blocked even more out. She remembers stuff randomly and still tells me though, I don't consider it trickle truth. Especially because it's usually brought about by me asking very minute almost unimportant details. Shit I can't remember from last week I'm asking her to try and recall from 7 months ago, that sort of thing. I still ask questions that sometimes get "I don't really remember, I'll try to though" but more often than not she tries to answer everything.

I'd be suspicious if she told me I knew everything or that she told me everything. The details I do know are enough, they fill in (arbitrary number) 80-90% of what happened I believe. That's good enough to move forward.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
wreck3d
♂ Member
Member # 36536
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time on this thread and these last 6 or 7 posts are right on with where I'm at. We are 2 months from D-day and I've gotten the "you know everything now" line a dozen times. I just want to know the whole damn truth so that I can digest it and figure out what our future is or isn't.

A few weeks ago I caught her in a small lie that I knew was hiding something bigger. It took a couple of days and then 2 hours of her lying to my face before she admitted she knew she was lying. It then took another 7-10 days before the 'bigger truth' slipped out and that gut feeling I had about the little lie hiding more was right on. My gut feelings have been damn near dead on and that's what makes this so difficult. I still have several of those feelings so how in the heck do I think about R when I know my WW still lies to my face and I don't even know the extent of what she did? Throw in that she's been diagnosed as bipolar so I can't hardly bring anything up without her flipping out and either giving up entirely or planning a way to end her life and I don't know what I want to do.

I keep thinking I just need to give it time and maybe she'll get all better and my feelings for her will return, but I don't know anymore.


BS(me)36
WW 34
3 DDs..11,10,8
M: July 1998
D-Day: August 9,2012

Posts: 75 | Registered: Aug 2012
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gut feelings have been damn near dead on and that's what makes this so difficult. I still have several of those feelings so how in the heck do I think about R when I know my WW still lies to my face and I don't even know the extent of what she did?

Well, after she quits lying and doubles down on aiming for consistent truth, it slowly dials down the distrust. In the first few weeks my wife TT'd, a lot. Major lies, then smaller lies. It got to where I was pretty much done, at one point I walked out, thinking I was just going to drive away and be done. OMW to my car our then 7 y/o son rode up on his bike and asked me all cheerfully where I was going. I hugged him and went back inside.

Big horrible lies, like unearthing the secret email account. Finding letters that were never sent which confirmed denied suspicions. Little things like gifts she'd bought or things they'd done.

Finally I just hit a numb place, stopped caring. I remember telling her I had no hope for any of this, she freaked out.

At the same time, she'd see herself doing this shit. She'd trip over herself with it and get up and try to fix it, eventually. Like talking about the 2 to 5 year timeframe people give, she told me she couldn't live like that. Then a couple hours later she came back and apologized for saying that, and took it back. We talked about it.

She started to come back later on with little truths and confessions. She stood up for me in MC, she never blamed me for her behaviors once after dday. After 6 months, when she hit the wall of self-shame and anger at her own shit, I couldn't rationally believe she was lying about everything anymore but it still felt like that.

A year and a half out it still burned in my gut. Weeks of relentless TT undermines trust so much that it's just gone. Gone completely. You can want to, you can wade into the dark betting on it, but it's been burned into your head that this person isn't safe, and nothing she says can be trusted.

Eventually that fades. If she keeps correcting herself, you'll see the progress she's made eventually. You should see her slowly work towards being someone she wants to be. Consistency over time with truth, PTSD symptoms can still needs more help than that. Eventually it fades, though. The truth is inexorable and if enough time goes by that a new lie hasn't been found then the trust comes back.


Throw in that she's been diagnosed as bipolar so I can't hardly bring anything up without her flipping out and either giving up entirely or planning a way to end her life and I don't know what I want to do.

If she's been diagnosed bipolar by a medical professional then she needs professional treatment. I know WAL went through that, I don't think I've seen him post lately. Which is a shame, he could probably have said all that with less sap and better articulation.

If she isn't seeing a doctor and taking meds then it's probably only a matter of time before something bad happens again.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7112 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey VD,
If I were you, I would certainly, at some point, check to see if that second child is yours.
Sorry man, but once they cheat and step over that line, then anything goes! I hope and pray that I'm wrong.
Always,'look over your shoulder', that way you can possibly see the train coming!
MPBs
Divorced, in new house, screwed by judge, see kids one night and every other weekend.
What did Paul Simon say, 'still crazy after all these years'? Damn straight.
God Bless my Betrayed Brethren.

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel you guys. This far out, for me, it's hard not to get angry for you.
At some point, something clicks inside, and you just *know enough*.

I don't buy "I don't remember".
I remember this is the same person that excoriated me for leaving the toilet seat up.
In 1992.


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wreck3d
♂ Member
Member # 36536
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Stillgoing, thank you. You nailed it. WW loses it when she thinks this could go on for months, let alone years. Every time she TTs me with something big (at least what I consider big) and I tell her she is setting me back, she loses it and can't imagine starting all over (it's only been two damn months woman!!).

WW is on a leave of absence from work and is doing intensive outpatient therapy, so I'm hoping that will help. The bipolar helps explain how she's been able to shit on me for so many years. It also gives a clue how she could watch me do everything with the kids while she locked herself in the bedroom and at the same time convince herself that it was me not loving her and she needed to go somewhere else for that. So damn screwed up. She somewhat gets what a crappy wife and mother she's been, but I honestly don't think she can completely comprehend it.

She's trying hard and fighting the urge to sleep all the time and is actually participating in the family now, but she is missing the mark when it comes to telling the truth and owning up. She also can't get her own self-pity out of her head long enough to really focus on me. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her she is killing me with the TT and that if she could have just given me everything up front, it probably wouldn't have even mattered. I'm at a point right now where I've just shut down from talking about it because it gets me nowhere. I know it is going to hurt when I learn new stuff and I'm F'd up bad enough the way it is.

Sometimes I think the only option is to just try R while still feeling like my WW is a serial liar, but how in the world can that actually work? It isn't even so much that I want to know details, its just that I want to feel like I can trust her a little bit.


BS(me)36
WW 34
3 DDs..11,10,8
M: July 1998
D-Day: August 9,2012

Posts: 75 | Registered: Aug 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't let yourself be shut down.
That's no way to live.
If she's not open with the details you need, accept what you got and move on.
Quit trying to fix her, tend to yourself.

What a concept. Take all the energy you've put on fixing her to fixing yourself.


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct is right on wreck.
You can't fix her, especially since she has a very real medical issue.
If she gets treatment and heals, then maybe you should consider hanging in there for your kid's sake.
Never believe a word she tells you. I hope you know that.
Have it confirmed that she, in fact, is receiving the medical attention required.
My sister in-law was diagnosed as bipolar, schizophrenic years ago, was treated, but continues to be problematic. The point, maybe your wife will never be completely normal, so I would think long and hard about you and your kid's future well being.
The whole cheating thing does not necessarily tie into her medical issues unless she has been definitively diagnosed with, 'multiple personalities'. Otherwise, you, like most of us here,you have been taken for a ride, especially if she is a, 'sociopath'.
That is completely different personality disorder than multiple personalities.
Look up the definitions, try to speak with her medical professionals, and above all , don't trust her thought process or her anecdotal explanations as an excuse for her behavior, (past, present and future)!
Take care of yourself. These WWs are very destructive. They feed off our insecurities and love, so worry about your self first. Take care of your health and your kids, but don't put your life on hold or give yourself a time frame to work with her. Separate yourself from her problems. She has to get better or get out, period!
Have her committed, if possible. That is usually, an automatic out, if you seek a divorce and in most states, you would not be liable for her future welfare.
You first, kids second, her wherever.
Just my opinion.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
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