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User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, June 4th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In discussions this weekend, and they've been heated, fWH mentioned a couple times that "I started it" meaning I had my affairs first, messed with his head and therefore he had two affairs. This implies blame to me. What do you guys think?
I think we're both responsible for being broken people. It's our job as married people to be adults with our heads on straight. even if he beat me it would be no reason for me to have an affair. Even if I had two affairs, it would be no reason for him to have them... is this correct or am I way off?

[This message edited by rachelc at 5:55 AM, June 4th (Monday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3596 | Registered: Dec 2010
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 4th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like he's not taking responsibility for his choices, is what it sounds like.

If your A (after reading your description it sounds like the "ONS" was the guy being a predator to you, so I don't think of your second A as an A) was his dealbreaker, okay - he could have done a separation or a divorce. Or if he wanted to R, then he could go to MC with you, IC, ask you to be accountable, and on painful days recognize it was unfair and come here to SI to get support. Instead, he chose to cheat.

We take responsibility for our own choices. It sounds like he hasn't dealt with the pain of your A and the pain and poor choices of his A's as separate issues. He's hurting, that's understandable. That doesn't make it okay for him to make unhealthy choices! It doesn't mean you "deserve to be cheated on." NO ONE deserves to be cheated on!

If he can't see how much he hurt you and feel remorse for that, then perhaps he needs to sit down and really see the damage his A did to himself. There are many ways:

1) He compromised his own morals by acting against them.
2) He harmed his M and his W (and kids if you have them). Since he helped to build that M, why would he want to tear down his hard work?
3) The inconsistencies in his own beliefs and his actions will come back to haunt him - many times.
4) Keeping secrets probably makes him sick - and since there is no way you can know everything without being in his head, there will always be "secrets" of some sort.
5) When he decides he wants to be innocent, he won't be. Acting on his temporary desire to get even ("feel better", "raise self-esteem", whatever excuse a wayward gives him/herself to cross the line) has given him the permanent status of wayward.
6) If the A was a PA, he has exposed himself (and you) to STDs and unplanned pregnancies.

Maybe he needs to accept the truth about himself first. Once he does, it might be easier to see and address your A's as separate, equally important issues. You can acknowledge the hurt they did to each other and how an A is never a good answer to life's hard knocks. That there are healthier answers.

I wish you both good healing, rachelc.

P.S. Has he considered joining SI? Might help him understand and do the work and get some support.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:15 PM, June 4th (Monday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
howdidthishapen
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Member # 35583
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 16th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Im new to this site and started out in just found out then to general forum but now I see I belong here... I had two ONS in 2000 when my husband and I first were together, we have five kids now he has known about the ONS (one he found out four years later when I told him) but he has known, he has made me pay huge for this and I have accepted this treatment due to what I did was out of my character and was the worst choice I ever made. my D Day with him was a month ago I found out he was having an A with a younger "thing" for FOUR years, Im having a pretty hard time accepting this with all that I have tollerated from him over past 12 years, - gambling addiction, drinking partying, party drugs all while i stayed home with the kids ... he would consitaly say I was cheating on him even though I wasnt and took total control of my head ... now i see we are not meant to compare A and I know I must of hurt him to peices but the things this pair did the sneaking around the lies messages photos I am stupid as I had no clue until the stupid little slut told me over the phone the last time I slept with him was 23 Dec 2011. He had none of this I know i did wrong but 12 years ago to now I hope my next 12 years aren't as twisted and angry as his were. I am in such a depression I cant bring myself to go out in public I hate seeing anyone I dont want to talk to any one though I have started going to MC just really shitted off, he treated me like an ass for all these years and sometimes it was an extreme ass to pull this off !! sorry venting just so glad i have found a group like me


ME 34
WH 33
Together 12.5 years married 9.5 years
5 beautiful children
His D-Day 2000 & 2004 Husbands
My D-Day 10 May 2012
I had two one night stands in 2000
He had A with a slutty 19 yr old last for 4 years

Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2012 | From: queensland
WatchfulWife
♀ New Member
Member # 35771
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 16th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi HDTH. I am new to posting on SI and I know that there are people much better suited to offer you advice than me, but I think the weekends on SI are very slow and I can see you are hurting deeply and I wanted to offer support.

I think yours is a tough, complicated situation and there is no doubt your head must be spinning.

I am sure at some point, you will come to find that you are going to have to find ways to think about and deal with some of these issues as almost being separate matters.

The times you cheated on your husband back in 2000 and how both of you dealt with it (or didnt deal with it) at the time.

The issues your husband has had with gambling, drinking, partying etc and the fact you two may have lifestyles/values that are not in sync with each other.

The issue of you feeling that the last 12 years of your life has been a 'punishment' for you cheating. There comes a point where you have to look at his behavior outside of it being related to your cheating and see it for what it is and if there are things you consider awful and a 12 year nightmare, you have to find out why you feel you deserve that.

It is a good thing I think, that you have already changed your thinking on your posts and now know it is not productive to 'compare' your cheating to his. It is possible not to minimize your past cheating and at the same time, get the support and help that you need to deal with the devastation you are feeling right now.

All of this can come in time. Right now you need to do all you can to take care of yourself. Eat, drink, sleep, exercise if it helps relieve some of the anxiety. See a Dr. for help since you have posted you are falling into severe depression and keep posting. But a gentle reminder...be mindful that people will be so much more able to offer you support if it doesnt appear you are minimizing that you once strayed also. At the same time, the fact that you once cheated does not mean your pain at being cheated on, should be mimimized either. You are feeling devastated and rightly so.

I am sure those with more advice and help will be along, but I wanted you to know someone was listening.

[This message edited by WatchfulWife at 9:03 AM, June 16th (Saturday)]


Former BS in previous relationships.

Former OW to my now husband.

Working on fixing somethings about myself and only then can I work on dealing with things in my marriage.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2012
WatchfulWife
♀ New Member
Member # 35771
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 16th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for HDTH


Former BS in previous relationships.

Former OW to my now husband.

Working on fixing somethings about myself and only then can I work on dealing with things in my marriage.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2012
wintergreen
♀ New Member
Member # 35880
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 18th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. I'm new here and have been lurking, learning and reading everyone's stories for a while. Unfortunately, this is my category. Still not quite ready to share my own story, as D-Day was in the past couple weeks and is quite raw. I just wanted to say thanks to all the brave folks who have been honest and shared their thoughts and experiences. Knowing other people have been there and gotten through this helps me feel less alone.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wg, welcome to the shittiest club on the planet. We're glad you're here though, because this is probably one of the few places you can truly learn and grow.

One piece of advise; start working on yourself.. The healing library is a great place to start.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you have the same D-Day for each of your respective A's? Did that affect your R in any particular way?

It's really hard to digest all of the information about H's A and respond, as well as try to heal and make amends to him for mine. I know some of you have said that we have to address each A separately, but it's so hard when it's so fresh for both of us.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
whatjusthappened
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Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wintergreen - welcome. You will find that SI is a safe and helpful place. Sometimes the help is not warm fuzzies, but it is extremely valuable nonetheless. While you're exploring, I agree the Healing Library is a must read.

NEM - my H's final DDay, when all the truth was out on the table, happened about a week after my DDay. My H knew about my A for about 10 years, but on that last DDay I came completely clean about all unaswered questions, details, etc. I'm not sure of the details of each of your A's, but in our case, my DDay created his final DDay because it caused me to see how not having all the pieces is hurtful, and that what you don't know CAN hurt you. My H knew I had had an A, so I wasn't dropping that particular bomb, but I had disclosed and admitted to things that I had previously denied, so it was still a DDay. Perhaps I'm wrong in thinking this (my H won't discuss it, so I'm not sure if it's true or not), but I think my pain was fresher, but no deeper, than my H's on those DDays.

Have you completely disclosed everything to your H? Do you feel he has been completely honest with you? It is extremely difficult to separate your A's and to look at them individually, but your A didn't cause his or vice versa. Are you in MC? IC?


Me - 39
Him - 38
Married 15 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Most days.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wjh- thanks for sharing your experience

I'm not sure if we have disclosed everything, TBH. I spent the first 2 weeks post D-Day in shock and trying to rugsweep both of our A's and just get back to how life was before. It took me getting on SI and reading what other WS/BS had to say for me to realize that I had to deal with this *now*

I think I have disclosed everything, but even little details seem to have escaped.. Such as last weekend he asked if I have heard from OM after the ONS happened. I didn't even think to tell him about it before, TBH, as I had told OM to fuck off. I didn't think this detail was pertinent, but it turned out that it made Mr NEM feel better that I had independently established NC before D-Day.

I'm not sure if we are going to have another sit-down to discuss more details. I'm afraid of what I'll find out about his A, it was very vague at first and then 2 or 3 days later, the bigger chunk of information about his came out... I think I took it about as poorly as he took the big news of mine. Maybe I am being an ostrich, burying my head in the sand. I don't know. This is all so miserable that I just want it to go away.

We are both in IC, I've been to 4 sessions and he's been to 2. Different ICs. His has a very tough-love approach, it seems. Mine is more nurturing. I hope that is what we need in the healing process. We are going to have a 3rd, separate MC set up after we get through the initial healing phase. Unfortunately, he is about to go on an extended work trip soon, and I'm really apprehensive that that will hurt our healing process. If it means we have to pause it, I think I can handle that, but the idea of it hurting us worse scares me.

(ETA... I feel 2x4's coming. I kind of want to 2x4 myself just reading my words and the way they sound. I'm worried that I'm minimizing, I don't know if that's the sibling to rugsweeping or what. Ugh.)

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 1:44 PM, June 22nd (Friday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update:

Offered my passwords to him to prove that I'm NC. I hope that helps in making amends on my end. Unless he's changed it, I know the password to his email/facebook, but I never use them. Ever. Is it bad to not want to have to live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder? Double checking all his emails, looking for that one little slip? He did say that when his A was ongoing, he deleted all internet histories, Facebook messages, texts, calls, etc. He was very thorough at covering his tracks, from what he said. I didn't even look or suspect anything anyway!

Should I not be offering my passwords to him since he is a wayward as well? My ONS was v recent, so I think I tend to identify more as the WS here. My IC has warned me to not slip into that role so easily, as shoving aside my H's A identifies me as the wayward 100% and H as the betrayed 100%.

Ug.

Also, H is considering D. I'm so sad. Reading sad stories on JFO isn't helping, so I really need to stop that.

I hope y'all are all having a good Friday.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
whatjusthappened
♀ Member
Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 25th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM,

It's difficult to say for certain without knowing a bit more about your story. I understand if you're not ready to share it, but it does help clear the waters just a bit. Who disclosed first? Are you both NC with your AP's? When was your DDay?

I'm not asking to get you to bare your soul, especially if you're not ready, but depending on the answers, some of what I say here may not apply (or may need further clarification).

I think I have disclosed everything, but even little details seem to have escaped.. Such as last weekend he asked if I have heard from OM after the ONS happened. I didn't even think to tell him about it before, TBH, as I had told OM to fuck off. I didn't think this detail was pertinent, but it turned out that it made Mr NEM feel better that I had independently established NC before D-Day.

It's important that you make sure that you come clean about everything, even stuff that seems insignificant. From the BS perspective finding out even something "small" that was left out feels like a huge lie. In that regard it's just as important for him to do the same for you.

I'm not sure if we are going to have another sit-down to discuss more details. I'm afraid of what I'll find out about his A, it was very vague at first and then 2 or 3 days later, the bigger chunk of information about his came out... I think I took it about as poorly as he took the big news of mine. Maybe I am being an ostrich, burying my head in the sand. I don't know. This is all so miserable that I just want it to go away.

I think you've seen what happens when you just ignore the problem. At the very least, you have unaswered questions that haunt you. At the very worst, you both miss an opportunity to become better and stronger individuals by addressing weaknesses within. I believe you should bite the bullet and initiate a sit down and hash it out, especially if you feel like there's info you don't know. I don't know whose A you think is worse, but neither are. You both are having to answer to your S as a WS, and you both are hurting as a BS. Not talking about it does not make the situation go away. It hurts, it's scary, and it may not seem like the payoff is worth it, but it is.

Offered my passwords to him to prove that I'm NC. I hope that helps in making amends on my end.

Good. Keep doing that. Make sure he knows about every account you have, and has access to all of them. Has the OM ever tried to reach out to you? If he does, tell him right away. You need to be completely transparent with him for him to begin to be able to open himself up to you again. Yes, he's a WS too, but because of his BS status, you should most definitely let him have all of it.

But the same goes for you. So:

I know the password to his email/facebook, but I never use them. Ever. Is it bad to not want to have to live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder? Double checking all his emails, looking for that one little slip?

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to do that. We all want not to worry about what's being communicated or not being communicated. But he owes you complete transparency too. If you choose not to look at his email accounts, that's up to you (just don't not look because you're afraid of what you will find. Denial is not your friend), but he should be letting you in anytime you want to. And frankly, I think you should force yourself to look. If he's maintaining NC, you'll find nothing and it will make you feel a wee bit better. If he's not and you see evidence of that, then you at least know what you're dealing with.

I sort of agree with your IC - it seems like you keep writing from the perspective of the WS and not remembering that you're also a BS. It's all extremely confusing to be a madhatter.

I'm sorry too that it was a little quiet here over the weekend. I'd invite you to venture out into Wayward (not sure you can post in JFO as a madhatter?) or General. Wayward might be a little safer for your posts that come from the WS perspective, General for the answers you're looking for from the BS side.

PM me if you'd like to chat more privately. I'm no wealth of information, that's for sure, but I'm glad to give input if I can.

(((NEM)))

ETA - I just saw your thread on Wayward. Sorry - didn't see it earlier.

[This message edited by whatjusthappened at 6:29 PM, June 25th (Monday)]


Me - 39
Him - 38
Married 15 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Most days.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi wjh, thanks for your response-

Technically I disclosed first. He poked around in my facebook messages and saw that I was struggling with staying away from OM, but there was nothing implicitly incriminating. He confronted me and asked if anything had happened yet. At first I admitted to just kissing, but he looked me in the eyes and asked if that was it, and I couldn't look him in the eye and lie about it anymore. I had to tell him that it had gotten physical and that a ONS had occurred. It was the hardest thing I've ever said in my life to admit it to the man I love more than anything. But I owed it to him. He had the right to know and to decide if he wanted to leave me or not. A couple hours of really difficult discussion later, he admitted to what sounded like a couple indiscretions with his xGF. Then 2 or 3 days later, he TT'd and told me that it was more serious than that. I just found out tonight the full extent of it and am working on digesting the fact that he had a premeditated, EA/PA with his xGF during the course of the first year we were together. He never told me about it because I had demanded that they go NC when we started dating, and he knew that I'd be out of the picture if I ever found out.

Well, look where we are now.

Anyway, a mod informed me that I can't post in JFO because I'm a madhatter, so I am kind of floating until I settle. This thread isn't super active it seems, so I should probably hang out on Wayward. In fact, I'm glad more couples aren't in our position. This is really, really difficult to sort out.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guess is that many are madhatters but were the WS (or BS) "in a former life" so to speak.

The few here are usually madhatters of the RA (Revenge Affair) variety - of which I am not. My stitch sounds similar to yours to the extent that neither knew of the others A(s) till a certain DDay (which also throws the term DDay into a tailspin). Mutual DDay is spoken of here, but I cant entirely relate to that - though, there would be a day when the scales fell off my eyes as BS; whereas my W's DDay was more of a 'process' of finding out.

Having said that; 24 months out; I can WARN you of two critical errors one can make in this madhatting situation;
1. Lies, TT, deceit. PLEASE no, dont, deception IS the Marriage (and soul crushing) Killer. An M may survive an A but NEVER the deception.
2. Lack of EMPATHY. You'd think its a given that being a madhatter would give you an insight to and empathy for your BSes feelings-unfortunately; as WS, we tend to be VERY selfish as well. A simple way to approach this would be: be the WS only for yourself (i.e. healing, learning, improving, feeling remorse, WORKING etc... and protecting your BS from gaslighting, TT, conflict avoidance, blameshifting and rugsweeping) & be the BS for your Spouse (allow them to express remorse, fulfill your needs, showing them your pain, communicating etc...)

I hope I summarised it well enough for you to understand. There is a LOT more detailed stuff in the healing library.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I want to cling to the idea that our D-Day was mutual as much as possible... I am doing my very best and want to continue to improve when it comes to blameshifting and all the other bad WS behaviors. My hope is that D-Day can be the beginning of some real crap that will eventually gives birth to a beautiful R.

noescape- thank you for reminding me to really focus on not being selfish. It's so critical here. Also, I have hope that if yall can hang tough and still be working 24 months out, hopefully we can be too. It's *that* much harder for us because we live and work a couple hours apart:/

Will definitely spend some time in the Healing Library this week. Thanks.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'd think its a given that being a madhatter would give you an insight to and empathy for your BSes feelings-unfortunately; as WS, we tend to be VERY selfish as well.

You make a very good insight. It is very easy to fall into the blame game or to try to compare the betrayals. But the more responsibility you take for your own choices... it feels like things shift. Instead of focusing as much on the powerlessness of being a BS, you start to feel more in control of your life as you take ownership for your choices and start learning how to be a better person.

Something I've seen with other madhatters is, situations where a madhatter is more remorseful than his/her spouse, while his/her spouse is happy to make it all about the other spouse's betrayal and not their own (again, tying into that selfishness)... Gah, I don't know if that's more confusing.

Spouse A takes responsibility for his/her A. Spouse B sweeps his/her own A under the rug and makes all the problems all about Spouse A's indiscretions. And then... Not always, but sometimes Spouse B continues being a wayward. In those cases, while both indiscretions are serious and accountable, R isn't failing at that moment because of Spouse A's cheating; it's failing because Spouse B is still a wayward. But Spouse A continues to shoulder total responsibility for R. You cannot reconcile with an active wayward. Take responsibility for your own choices, but do NOT take responsibility for what isn't yours. Spouse B's affairs are not Spouse A's responsibility. Now, if both aren't being active waywards, but one cannot get past the indiscretions of the other... I think that's understandable. Some might call it hypocritical, sort of the "can you handle what you dish out?" But an A is a very real dealbreaker. Both spouses will still have to own their choices. And both spouses were still betrayed. Both spouses had their hearts broken.

Like you said, I think as WS we can be selfish. So taking responsibility for our choices needs to be a priority. For a while I was pretty selfish, focusing on H's stuff and not owning mine. I'm owning mine now, not focusing as much on what H did in the past - but also aware of some recent boundary slips of his. Not stopping working on myself, but not rugsweeping his behavior either.

Anyway... glad to see more people here, even though I'm sad for our reason to be here.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, if both aren't being active waywards, but one cannot get past the indiscretions of the other... I think that's understandable. Some might call it hypocritical, sort of the "can you handle what you dish out?" But an A is a very real dealbreaker

This is what I'm afraid of. I mean, there's only so much I can do to help him over my A. I can't climb in his head and do the emotional healing for him. But as far as myself, I'm pretty scared that I'll never get over his. That makes me feel like a special breed of loser, the idea that I can dish it out but not take it...

*sigh.*

We're going to move our focus soon on boundaries, as that is a common theme, it seems that most WS need improvement on. Although this was the one and only time I ever got physical with someone outside of any relationship (not just the relationship with Mr NEM), surely my boundaries need fixing if I could find myself here in the first place.

In a former job, I worked for municipal LE. They always say sex offenders are habitual, repeat offenders. That type of language scares the heck out of me. I hope that my H and I are not going to be habitual or repeat offenders. I can only control my own actions, and I am working hard at accepting that.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
whatjusthappened
♀ Member
Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're going to move our focus soon on boundaries, as that is a common theme, it seems that most WS need improvement on. Although this was the one and only time I ever got physical with someone outside of any relationship (not just the relationship with Mr NEM), surely my boundaries need fixing if I could find myself here in the first place.

Boundaries are so much more than the physical aspect. Once my H and I started really learning about boundaries, we both saw that we were encouraging (even if it wasn't blatant) unwanted attention aside from our respective A's. What we had always considered "innocent flirting" was really our bad boundaries in action.

I had initially wondered if H and I were going to have to change the essence of who we were by instituting and enforcing boundaries. We thought that our flirty personalities were such a piece of us, how can we be "us" without that piece of it? What we've found is that learning about and enforcing boundaries has made us more secure in our relationship with one another, and although we're still learning, it's not really changed us. My H is still extremely outgoing, but respectfully so, especially when it comes to women. It's difficult to explain, but the moral of the story is that boundaries are a beautiful thing.


Me - 39
Him - 38
Married 15 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Most days.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, June 28th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what I'm afraid of. I mean, there's only so much I can do to help him over my A

Gently now.... I'd say there isn't enough you can ever do to help him over your A. Unfortunately, the mind set of "lets get over/around this" can also lead to rugsweeping or not dealing sufficiently with the fallout etc.. A lot has to do with EARNING that forgiveness not only from your spouse but also from yourself. Which means realising (self awareness) that in betraying your vows-the first person you betrayed was yourself (character, morals, integrity, ideals, etc...).

One thing I learnt as a WS is that *I HAVE ISSUES*. Regardless of whether owning them and being accountable and remorseful will or will not heal my spouse, I WILL HAVE TO DEAL with them.

Remember, we aren't *just* mending a broken heart (some may say that the innocence of that heart is already shattered and irrepairable); I learnt that to truly start the healing you must mourn the loss of your M, that you must allow your BS to mourn the loss of the Spouse/M they thought they had. You must both accept that the M was not what you would like to remember it as.

It also means you do not have to live with horrible choices around your neck 24/7. You have to work; and that work involves some pretty deep digging and recognitions. Of course, it goes without saying; YOUR SPOUSE must SEE the effects of this work EVERY DAY. Seeing you moping around and being sorry just wont cut it after a while... actions which show self assessment and gradual steps towards improvement leading to lifelong choices and changes: transparency, honesty, accountability and remorse are just the beginning.

But as far as myself, I'm pretty scared that I'll never get over his.

You dont have to "get over" anything right now. Dont set yourself up for such expectations right now. The one way I found I could distance my emotions from my M was to keep repeating to myself (how I wish I could find you the threads) that the M was dead. It was NEVER what I had thought it was. I just had to literally "let go" of a past that was never truly there. What your H should be doing; as you should; are the following: remorse, transparency, honesty, validation, no blameshifting, etc... (healing library) and all these things are a START. The parallel step with yourself; IC or otherwise; is exploring your issues (FOO, crap boundaries, coping skills, etc...) and learning/implementing how to be a better person and in the process a SAFE spouse. Then (and some may say) and ONLY THEN, should you start working on the M issues (pre-A or post-A) which is where you start rebuilding/healing your spouse and making a new M. Anything before that for your spouse is to provide them with safety and clarity.

If I was to summarise all of that above; I'd say I needed to realise I wasn't a safe/healthy partner to my S or in ANY relationship. I need to then MAKE myself a safe person to be in a relationship with and THEN fix the mess I made around myself. All of this may need to be a parallel process since the clock is ticking and your spouse/opportunity at staying M isn't going to always be there.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
onel0ve25
♀ Member
Member # 35974
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 28th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone! Sorry to see you all are members on this forum too. I'm new to SI, not new to experiencing infidelity. It's 6am and I am awake again with thoughts of his affairs running rampant through my mind. It's become somewhat of a norm for me, and I'm sure many of you. I'm currently posting through my phone, I will update my story on my profile soon and share it here. My signature provides a few pieces to the puzzle I call my life.


Me: 21, 1 EA/PA 5/10-6/10
Him: 24, multiple online EAs, 2 EA/PAs 7/10-2/12
Our littles: Bunny, 3 & Teddy, 5 <3
A couple of mad hatters hoping for a happy ending...
Together 7 years, Married 3 years
I won't stumble upon something behind me.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jun 2012
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