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User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
beachbunny
♀ Member
Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((NEM)))))))))

Sorry to hear you couldn't sleep. Since April 1st, my sleep had been severely fucked up thanks to Dday after Dday all the way up to 7/13/12. 4 months of pure torture on top of heart problems. It was a total nightmare. After badchoice moved out & my heart problems got under control things got so much better. Some days have been tough (when kids aren't here), but mostly things are better with the help of Xanax & Lexapro. Last night I went to my meditation class & started to feel very anxious again. So I left during break, took care of myself & went home to sleep. I got a chuckle that my babysitter was watching "Golden Girls" when I arrived home! Haha.

MegM-

This is nearly exactly what my H was doing. Also though he had a special type of mind movie going. He was transposing his and his AP's actions onto my A. He was imagining the build up, the 'courting' the flirting etc, the stolen glances when he wasn't looking etc.

My A was very different to his in it's nature, length and MO. So a lot of what he was imagining was much worse than the fact. This is when he really needed the details. To reality check his imagination.

Yes, badchoice did this as well. He emailed me his mind movie of what he thought happened & it was way more romanticized than what actually happened. I do think there is a transposing of one A over another when you are MH. We project our own perspective, thoughts, and feelings on the other partner's A & then react from that place. It is dangerous to do because it is not reality.

Nearly had a little budget conflict with BFreddy - but told him to grow up ,,, police the budget himself ,,, iam not hear to hold him accountable for his small choices. He needs to do that for himself. He can tell me about it later. Just don't mess with my head!

I feel good about it - won't bore you all with the mundane domestic details ... but he was pulling avoidant tricks and then manipulating me to be the one to 'call him out' Stuff that! Too tired - too sick - to over it!

Ha! Do we have twin WH's???!!!

This reminds me of WH's shopping addiction. He feels "loved" shopping since that is the quality time he spent with his mom. But it's his demon to deal with. It's hard to extricate ourselves from our WS's demons & not try to help fight them for them. Really hard IMO, but it keeps me stuck in a caretaker role that is joyless.

noescape-how are you doing???

I am ok today, just that "background tiredness" that I know you can all relate to... The Lexapro seems to quiet a lot of the "noise in my head" so I can function a bit better. I don't want to avoid the reality of my sitch, but looking at it sometimes is so dizzying that it knocks me off my feet. KWIM?


BS/WW: Me 43 WH/BH: Him 45 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See his profile-15/16 y LTA
2DS:5 & 11 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meg and Bb thanks and (((())))

I had been taking melatonin for a while and took 2 days off to see how I did without. Got my answer... badly!

Back to the melatonin I think. Even with v little sleep last night I don't feel too terrible today. I think I got just the right # of hours (minutes? ) in my sleep cycle to not be too jacked up today.

The good news is that work is going well (for once) and I'm starting a new workout program on Sunday so I'm looking forward to that


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
beachbunny
♀ Member
Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check in:

So I'm working on our financial picture, etc...and I'm coming up with approx. 2K we are spending per month because he had multiple affairs, not to mention 4K on SA rehab,etc...

Also, it occurred to me that badchoice jeopardized our finances by abusing his job to conduct affairs (OBH's could expose this, although the chance is slight). And, of course, putting the kids in potentially traumatizing situations by conducting the A's around them.

The true costs are incalculable. And won't be tallied until everyone is dead. Ya feelin' me????


BS/WW: Me 43 WH/BH: Him 45 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See his profile-15/16 y LTA
2DS:5 & 11 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2012
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep ... I am feeling it!

It is mind boggling.

Your post has me asking myslef ... "what about me ... what costs did my actions impose on our family?' ... I won't t/j on this ... but I am really thinking about it.

I am sorry that BC;s continued behaviour has cost you so much ((BB))

I am hoping and praying living in the truth now will also give you freedom. That soon you will be able to put an end to these costs and have control back.

I will post later on my thoughts about what my choices have cost - as I am really thinking on this.


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
beachbunny
♀ Member
Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is MADE for jacking!

Yes, I believe my A sowed the seeds of discontent (that is, if I believe BC didn't cheat before me).

So really, I own the cost as well, at the very least, for making the choices I've made.


BS/WW: Me 43 WH/BH: Him 45 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See his profile-15/16 y LTA
2DS:5 & 11 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2012
whatjusthappened
♀ Member
Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,

Sorry to be away for a while...I was out of town for the past couple week (just me and the girls - no II4L), and when I came back life and A crap came and slapped me in the face. Please indulge my crying and venting for a bit...

I'm having a rough few days with II4L. I know he's remorseful, I know he wants to do everything he can to make it right (and he's trying), I know the A is over and he carries no warm fuzzies about it - he despises OW and OWH - but there's this one piece that is just bugging the ever-loving shit out of me. Whenever I ask him what he was thinking/feeling/believing during the A, he always answers it from his perspective TODAY. I want to know how he was feeling THEN so I can get inside his head a little bit and try to grasp this a little more. He keeps referring to his A alter-ego and keeps saying that's not who he really is. But it WAS he really was during that time. So who was that guy, and why was it more fun to be him than to be the real him!?

I think this is especially bothering me because when I've talked to him about my A, I DO go back and can remember what I was feeling and what I said to myself to make it okay. It makes me physically ill to do so. I hate who I was, but it was me. It wasn't some alien who took over my body. *I* had the A, and *I* was a shitty person during that time. Does this even make sense?

He doesn't understand this, and he doesn't understand why it upsets me that he won't look at who he really was during the A. It's like it's too difficult for him to face that part of himself. It almost feels like rugsweeping in a way. "Oh, it's too painful to admit that's who I really was, so I'll blame the body snatcher that came in and grabbed me, but now that I'm back (and it's really me!), there will never be another A again. Pass the potatoes."

And it pissed me off that, after staying up until 1 am last night crying over this and telling him that I needed him to understand what I was saying, this morning he acted like a kid in trouble and tiptoed around me all morning, then called to talk like nothing was wrong.

Does what I said make sense to you all? How the hell can I say it to II4l for him to get it!?

And then, lastly, I found out I'm going to be out of town for our wedding anniversary in October, which also happens to be when the EA and threesomes became a PA between just him and OW. Anyone going to be in Chicago in October to help my triggery ass?


Me - 39
Him - 38
Married 15 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Most days.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
archernine
♀ Member
Member # 31898
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was reluctant to post to this thread. However, I knew saying out loud that I am a madhatter is more helpful than harmful to me. My WH/BH had several online affairs though he balks at the term "affairs" which led to a PA with an EXGF and an EA/PA with a co-worker.

In dealing with being a BS, I neglected to address my own issues though I was in IC a few months after the 2nd affair was outed to me by the COW. I let my reaction to his A's effect my better judgement. I know not addressing my coping skills and my boundaries led me to have two OEA's. It started initially with looking at CL personal ads eight months after WH's A's are exposed.

I let my husband know about this but I don't completely address this action in therapy as I become swallowed up by the aftermath of his infidelities and my DD's unplanned high risk pregnancy with twin girls, as well as confronting several FOO issues. I realize I allowed myself to want to escape by carrying resentment which led to me feeling entitled to have my own A's.

The 1st A was two days and I went NC with the man after that time. I also told my WH who know became my BH. But I didn't deal with the why even though I knew better. Then the 2nd A came last month and lasted for a week. I kept this one from my WH/BH for a few weeks. I didn't even mention it in IC until my last session. Finally, I knew I had to come clean with my WH/BH. The guilt of it was eating me alive. The worse part is I cannot say that I wouldn't have slept with this OAP.

Now I'm addressing my issues, talking to my husband instead of disconnecting from him as well as talking about these A's in IC and joining SCA to deal with my compulsions. I know I didn't deal with everything in a healthy way. I'm now prepared to address my issues openly and honestly. I really appreciate the fact that there is a thread like this one to help me.


An affair isn't like taking pottery ... they always end disastrously...and it's the one thing in my life I would undo if I could-- from the movie, Unfaithful.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
beachbunny
♀ Member
Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All-

I needed a well deserved break from the A madness & spent some time with friends this week hearing about THEIR lives for a change. Felt so normal for the first time in awhile.

(((((((whatjusthappened)))))))

Whenever I ask him what he was thinking/feeling/believing during the A, he always answers it from his perspective TODAY. I want to know how he was feeling THEN so I can get inside his head a little bit and try to grasp this a little more. He keeps referring to his A alter-ego and keeps saying that's not who he really is. But it WAS he really was during that time. So who was that guy, and why was it more fun to be him than to be the real him!?

I think this is especially bothering me because when I've talked to him about my A, I DO go back and can remember what I was feeling and what I said to myself to make it okay. It makes me physically ill to do so. I hate who I was, but it was me. It wasn't some alien who took over my body. *I* had the A, and *I* was a shitty person during that time. Does this even make sense?

It makes PERFECT sense. I could have written this myself. I have had this convo with WH/BH before & I get frustrated sometimes too. I feel ya.

archernine-

Welcome.

I realize I allowed myself to want to escape by carrying resentment which led to me feeling entitled to have my own A's.

Wow. A brilliant insight! I agree that festering, hidden resentment breeds contempt & entitlement. Really great!


BS/WW: Me 43 WH/BH: Him 45 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See his profile-15/16 y LTA
2DS:5 & 11 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2012
onel0ve25
♀ Member
Member # 35974
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all! I haven't been on SI in weeks. I'm going to go back a few pages and catch up tonight after the littles go to bed.

Life is keeping us plenty busy in the onelove household. Teddy started kindergarten last week, it's been so good for him to be around other kids his age again! Now Bunny is saying she wants to go to school too! It's so cute, we're looking into preschools for her now. Mr. 25 & I are enjoying a couple of weeks with the littles before we start fall semester. It's kind of funny to think we will have a household full of students.

On the marital front, things have been so much better. We still haven't been to MC/IC because we no longer have insurance since Mr. 25 lost his job but we've done a lot of research online and are trying to ease by on our own until we can afford the counseling. Boundaries are in place, we have set up a trigger plan & have a regular date night to unwind and talk. I have started going to the gym again. I had started gaining some of the weight back in being stressed during the summer semester, which is unacceptable, at least I aced my class! All around I'm blessed to share all these positives, it's such a change from one year ago.


Me: 21, 1 EA/PA 5/10-6/10
Him: 24, multiple online EAs, 2 EA/PAs 7/10-2/12
Our littles: Bunny, 3 & Teddy, 5 <3
A couple of mad hatters hoping for a happy ending...
Together 7 years, Married 3 years
I won't stumble upon something behind me.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jun 2012
archernine
♀ Member
Member # 31898
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB,

Thanks for the welcome and your thoughts about my post. Before I became a WW, I started thinking about resentment and the part it plays in affairs. Unfortunately, I didn't think of it affecting me in the way it did. I was stuck on the whole us vs. them thought process that is it waywards versus betrayed. I think for me it was my own hubris that came up. My thought I was better than my husband because I didn't cheat. I kept thinking I wouldn't cheat because of me being better.

I didn't think about this idea of superiority was the sign of some really unhealthy thinking and that coupled with resentement towards my WH was leading me to not just a slippery slope but a chasm. It also didn't help that I wasn't using my tools for getting healthy such as IC, meditation, journalling, and even posting here at SI.

I also wanted to say it was you BB and some other posters who inspired me to post in ICR. Thank you for being so courageous.


An affair isn't like taking pottery ... they always end disastrously...and it's the one thing in my life I would undo if I could-- from the movie, Unfaithful.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone.

Welome to MH Archernine!
Welcome Back OneLove!

Archernine - I was an active member of SI for a good sixmonths before I started posting here.

My adultery was so long ago - I did not see it as 'relevant' to why I was here, my H's affair or any of our M issues prior to his affair.

But since having conversations here - it has begun to feel like my place. The others that post here regularly offer so much insight. And I am really appreciating the sense of community we have. I hope you find the same.

WJH:

He doesn't understand this, and he doesn't understand why it upsets me that he won't look at who he really was during the A. It's like it's too difficult for him to face that part of himself. It almost feels like rugsweeping in a way. "Oh, it's too painful to admit that's who I really was, so I'll blame the body snatcher that came in and grabbed me, but now that I'm back (and it's really me!), there will never be another A again. Pass the potatoes."

... the potatoes did give me a little giggle. But it is serious isn't it. It just doesn't give confidence if H. isn't prepared to look into the fire!

It would be great if there was some way to get H. along on your trip. If this is not possible - I can't get to Chicago - but I am happy to make a 'trigger' plan and be your trip buddy online!

OneLove: I don't think you and I have crossed over much here in MH - so it is great to meet you. congratulations on the beginning of reconciliation for you and your H.

BB: I took a few days out aswell. We were away for the weekend on a semi-work trip. And we had a great time. I was so sick and heavy with the A's last week. But I dragged my arse out of bed on Saturday - put on my 'glad-wrags & war paint"" and headed out.

and we felt like a team in synch again! We mixed with over 200 people and then had the night away from the kids. It is really good to have a feeling of success as a couple. I feel bouyed up by it.

I am glad you got some time out BB. And re-energised.

It is hard to build this in isn't it?

Ok - I am getting ready for work now. I am rationing my SI activity now. As last week I was on CONSTANTLY and overloading. So this is a part of my mgt plan - MH & Rec forums only and no more than 1 hour a day!

NEM & NE, JM and all the others I hope you are all doing ok.


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joining this thread.

I tried several different smilies, but none of them really fit. I need a nervous smilie holding up a very tentative hand but I don't see it down there.

I've been putting the pieces together for a while, and beginning to see myself clearly. When our final big dday (d-week?) started on this day last year, I was so devastated, so blown up, so completely decimated, that I was unable to see my part in any of our problems.

I felt very self righteous and morally superior to JM. But as I began working on a new 4th step for my AA sponsor, I began to really see myself and the harmful, destructive choices that I have made in the past. I posted in the Wayward forum today, just a little bit about the process of recognizing myself not only as a WW in an EA, but also as a WW/MOW in an online A that resulted in a phone call from a bewildered BW. And I showed her no mercy. No understanding. No remorse.

Today, I would give almost anything to have made better choices. To have had the kind of childhood that prepared me to be a healthy, functional, loving adult. What I do have, though, is the chance to live each day from here on out with integrity, kindness and honor.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2484 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
onel0ve25
♀ Member
Member # 35974
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MM: Thank you! And nice to meet you too. I'm so glad I found SI & MH. I was always treated like I deserved it on other infidelity forums because they're all filled with BS. It's nice to have a group of people who (sadly) understand my situation.

HFSSC: Congrats on accepting your part in all of it. Doing that truly frees you somehow, because now you're free to make the changes needed for a better future. I wish you luck on this journey.


Me: 21, 1 EA/PA 5/10-6/10
Him: 24, multiple online EAs, 2 EA/PAs 7/10-2/12
Our littles: Bunny, 3 & Teddy, 5 <3
A couple of mad hatters hoping for a happy ending...
Together 7 years, Married 3 years
I won't stumble upon something behind me.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jun 2012
whatjusthappened
♀ Member
Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB:
I needed a well deserved break from the A madness & spent some time with friends this week hearing about THEIR lives for a change. Felt so normal for the first time in awhile.

Boy, do I hear that! I live for the days/evenings with friends when I can pretend for a little while that I'm just like everyone else, and that life is "normal". Glad you were able to escape for just a bit.

onel0ve:
Good to see you back. My kids went back to school last month and it was emotional for the first few days. They're in 1st and 6th grades, so it wasn't a milestone first day, but it's always a tough adjustment. Now, of course, I'm pushing the kids out the door each morning and sometimes I slow the car down enough to let them out when we get to drop off. It sounds, though, like you and Mr. 25 are focusing well on the two of you - good for you.

archernine: welcome to MH

However, I knew saying out loud that I am a madhatter is more helpful than harmful to me.

Yup. Something changed within me once I began acknowledging on SI that I was a madhatter. II4L knew I had had an A, I knew and internally acknowledged I had had an A, but once I "said" it here, it became more real. I became more accountable for what I had done. It was a real humbling, but watershed, moment for me. I really feel like I've grown more as a person by acknowledging and working on why I had my A, than by trying to heal from II4L's A. Not to say his A isn't more painful for me right now, but it's not where my growth has come from, I think.

HF:

I tried several different smilies, but none of them really fit. I need a nervous smilie holding up a very tentative hand but I don't see it down there.

Funny - I can't seem to find the arms wide open, c'mon in because you've got a friend smiley.
When our final big dday (d-week?) started on this day last year, I was so devastated, so blown up, so completely decimated, that I was unable to see my part in any of our problems.

Me too. But like I said to archernine, owning my own shit, as painful and difficult as it is, is also very empowering.

Meg:

My adultery was so long ago - I did not see it as 'relevant' to why I was here, my H's affair or any of our M issues prior to his affair.

But since having conversations here - it has begun to feel like my place.


Ditto. And II4L has pretty much agreed, although we both know now there's no way the dynamic that led to my A couldn't have helped but play a part in his A.

And as for staying out of JFO - I haven't read in there in ages. I think once I realized I couldn't post there, I stayed away because I would get so worked up about wanting to say something, only to have to internalize it and not be able to express it. I need to work on the hour limit though!

My update:

I talked with II4L at length last night about changing his perspective, and he got it. Too well. So we had a whole conversation last night about "when he loved her" (his words - he used to say "when I thought I loved her". It hurt like hell to hear that, but I know it's the truth - that he DID believe he loved her even if just for a few weeks), and where he did exactly what I asked and told me WAY more than I wish I knew. My own stupid fault.

I don't know...today's one of those days that I don't feel strong enough to make it through this and like I don't know if I'll ever get over this. I've been feeling very disconnected from II4L and just don't know how to bridge that gap. I'm desperate to, but afraid to at the same time. I really don't know how we'll survive the 2nd year if it's harder than this.


Me - 39
Him - 38
Married 15 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Most days.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

question: if you had your affair/s first, are you in any way responsible for your partner's affair?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3668 | Registered: Dec 2010
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi rachel, just saw your q and although i have been away from SI mostly lately, i wanted to pop in and answer real quick.

his A was first, but i had no idea. so in my mind when had my ONS, i was the first. if i had magically somehow known about his... i don't think i'd hold him responsible for mine. we each have to own our own actions.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
whatjusthappened
♀ Member
Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachel -

I did have my A first, and both ii4l and I agree that it had nothing to do with his A. The fact that we rugswept it added to our disconnect and was indicative of our weak communication skills, both of which weakened the state of our M, making it susceptible to his A, but I don't believe there's any cause and effect in my case.

Perhaps in cases where it was an RA, someone may feel differently, but ii4l's A was NOT an RA, and I personally don't think it matters anyway. As NEM said, you both have to own it.


Me - 39
Him - 38
Married 15 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Most days.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
archernine
♀ Member
Member # 31898
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachel,

My A's come after my WH's A's but I don't see them as RA's they were A's that happen due to my building resentment and feelings of entitlement. Add in a huge feeling of disconnection and you have a dreaded recipe for disaster. My WH constantly holds himself responsible. However, I continue to tell him it has nothing to do with him.

I decided not to talk about my resentment towards him and while it was hard sometimes to talk to him. I could have used MC to work out my issues and my own IC to figure out to find healthier ways to cope. I didn't and that is all on me. I think he's slowly getting but I think he will always think there is a connection between his A's and my A's.

[This message edited by archernine at 9:49 PM, August 23rd (Thursday)]


An affair isn't like taking pottery ... they always end disastrously...and it's the one thing in my life I would undo if I could-- from the movie, Unfaithful.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Shocked  Posted: 9:52 PM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow didn't think I would really ever be here. I always said I would NEVER do what he did to me. But here I am, and I am glad I found you guys. I have been posting in general and other places with questions and needing support for a few weeks. Questioning R and what to do. I was feeling really "lonely" and felt like no one would want me if I left, so I stayed.

Well I went on AM a few weeks ago and set up a profile just to see if there would be interest. I even told wh about it, the other day. I really wasn't looking for anything (I have very little self-respect and low self-esteem) so I really didn't think anyone would want to even look at me. I wasn't responding to anyone especially close by, I don't really want to have an A, I know sounds contradicting doesn't it??? But it's the truth. If I am with another man it will be after we seperate (if we do) but today someone messaged me and started a conversation with me (he lives in another state, so not close at all), and I fell in. I feel horrible, but we talked for a couple of hours, and I actually felt excited during the conversation (Someone wants me and wants to talk to me, there actually interested, it did something for my self-esteem for the moment that is)

And now I am here, feeling horrible and guilty. Did I really just do that??? I need to be smacked upside the head like yesterday!!!!!!


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scangel, welcome and (()). i think there are all flavors of MH's here, but we all understand that this is a difficult process.

are you and your H trying to R? have you gone ahead and closed that AM account? when was the most recent D-day? if it's by your profile, then it was a little while ago... do you feel like you are making progress forward in your healing or backward (not just considering the AM situation)?

it sounds like you were seeking validation. pre-d-day, how did you seek/receive validation? how does your H typically give you validation/ does he give you any at all?

Are you only attempting R because you feel that no one else will want you? Is that really the only reason? what are you doing/ do you plan to do to work on your self esteem?

what did you say to yourself in your mind to rationalize the AM situation? you should consider journaling about this so you can go back later and look at it in black and white if you find yourself heading down that road again...


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
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