That part won't get any better. It just serves to minimize what he's done by forcing guilt onto you about what you did.
DON'T TAKE IT!!!! What he's done is bad and he needs to be accountable for it. You can be accountable for your actions in your own right.
I am so sorry he's being verbally abusive to you. You both are in a sticky situation right now. Don't let him guilt you!!
Ever heard of the term "projection"? That's what he's doing!
Hugs to you!
Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!
Working on myself through IC, NA meetings, intensive outpatient program, and lots of digging. Praying for R.
Re: having trouble balancing your respective A's, it is a challenge. It's easy to slip into the BS role but that isn't you anymore. TG and someone else were talking about how they do their best work on themselves with a WS hat on, so I suggest you take that route and that Lost do the same.
Has she made any requests of you? Timeline, therapy, NC, IC, etc? How is all that going?
What is going on: Lost moved out about a month ago. She lives about 40 min away. We are still committed to each other. We are working on ourselves. Living apart makes this easier. We hope to R and live together again in the future. We see each other; mostly on weekends. I'm grateful for each day I see her, and each day we are still together. Things are a bit rough, but we are trying. I love my wife with all my heart. Her resiliency is amazing. I feel terrible for what I've put her through. Not just the A, but also for using, for lying to her, and emotionally abusing her. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she quit. Ive put her through hell.
I am doing everything she asks of me (not just for her, but also for working on myself). I've given full disclosure. Established NC with OW. Re-established my boundaries. (and taking them very seriously). I'm going to IC every week. I am being open and honest. She has passwords to everything (banking, email, phone, etc). I've been sober for two weeks. No drugs or alcohol. Absolutely no mind or mood altering substances. Ive been going to NA meetings. Ive committed to at least 3 meetings every week, but have attended more than that. (I truly want to be sober... with or without Lost). I do not hang out with my former best friend, as he is not sober nor healthy. I do not associate with anyone that is using and/or a friend of the marriage. Well except for my cat, Arnie. (He is addicted to catnip lol). I go to work everyday. I try to give Lost whatever she needs to help her heal.
I've pretty much completely changed my life. It's been scary. But it's also refreshing and fulfilling. I like the person I'm becoming. He's starting to look familiar.
[This message edited by DontTreadOnMe at 7:44 AM, October 12th (Friday)]
Also, great internal dialog with your inner child. That was a great exercise!
ETA: pecia, how are you today?
[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 8:11 AM, October 12th (Friday)]
Have you offered to write out a timeline for your H?
Your IC would be a good place to discuss your pain regarding her A. Or maybe down in betrayed men.
Being a madhatter sucks. Because my wife's dday was just a couple weeks ago, it feels as if I'm not allowed to hurt anymore from her A. I almost feel guilty for hurting. And it's so hard to talk about my A and not bring up hers... to not get defensive. Does this get any easier?
Hey DTOM - It's going to take some more time and work before it gets easier. Your A doesn't cancel out the hurt that you feel about your W's A. Unfortunately for her, the wound is much newer and more raw.
It sounds to me like you are taking some good steps in the right direction. Hang in there for the long haul, buckle up for the roller coaster, and try your best to be good to each other.
You may not want to hear this from me and if so just tell me,
I tried to explain to him that I didn't start things up with my EA until he was acting suspicious
but I never actually was able to go through with it
This would be why he is getting upset and asking for your real whys.
This puts the blame on him, rather than keeping it on you where it belongs. Regardless of where your M was at the time you did what you did, you had other choices and you didn't take them. That is why it upsets him to hear that.
I understand that he is in the middle of doing his own thing right now, but you need to focus on your issues as well. Why did you choose to handle this in the way that you did?
Figuring out your issues is the best thing you can do for you right now. You can't figure him out. And you can't control him.
Big hugs, this stuff isn't easy.
W/H-currently has a new girlfriend. We are still living in same house.
I hope both you and pecia can be good to yourselves and focus on your healing despite the stuff your H's are doing. You cant control them or their choices, just take care and protect yourselves, sisters.
So here is where I am. My W still wants to get back together, but does not have any idea of the extent of the A. I suspect she has been dating somewhat during the S. She has made many positive changes, but not enough to make me want to go back. I agreed to at least talk about it. I suppose the first thing to do is tell about the extent of the A. The thing is I think it will set back the many changes needed for R. So I will not be moving home any time soon. I have no idea where I am going on this. But I really want to guard against making her a backup plan.
The other thing is, despite everything, I don't know what I will do if my AP contacts me. Half of me says to tell her there is no way I can go on. Half says that I could find happiness...but that is the fantasy talking. Right now, I have a powerful mad on for her and would love to give her a real frontal assault of full on venting. But life being what it is, I don't expect that will happen. The other thing I should mention is that it is possible I will have to see her as we work in the same field. She might quit her job, but I can't as I am self employed.
The other shoe I am waiting to drop is my AP's spouse. He knows about the A. I think they are trying to R, but I really don't know if he has any idea of the extent of the A. I cannot control his conduct, but what should I say if he contacts me? This is entirely possible. Do I give him info or is that my AP's job. I am torn on this one and would welcome ideas.
So let's see. I have been a BH, a WH, an OM, and now am a jilted OM who has been blindsided. I trusted a woman implicitly who was lying to her H of many years. Then continued the A by lying to him after he found out. I showered this woman with love and affection and compliments and gifts and time and money. I opened my heart. I talked about everything. We did things she claimed she never did with her H. Whenever we would part she would cry like a baby.
The whole time she kept saying she was going to leave him, but never did. There was this reason and that. This promise and that. A few halfhearted attempts. I look back and think: how stupid could I be? The answer of course is that I have been lied to as well, but could not see it for the monumental wishful thinking = the fog. I've read a lot about how an A affects the dopamine receptors and is addicting. It's true. I've read about how you don't see your AP for what she is, despite the evidence in front of you. It's true. I've read about how you hate the BS. It's true. I read about how you don't care who knows and who gets hurt as long as it keeps going. It's true. I've read about the people who are enablers and cheer you on. It's true.
Here is the saddest part. I know I have a long road of healing and suffering and giving pain and repairing all kinds of things. I hope I am up to the task. But I still love my AP. How do I get past this? How do I stop thinking about her? I am so hurt, but I love her. God help me.
I don't even know what I am accomplishing right now by writing this, except to say that the people on this site really were right all along. i knew it inside, but did not want to believe it. So if you are thinking about an A as payback, or if you really think that other person is the right one for you, get a D first and do not take up with someone who is in a M. Save yourself!
Ask yourself: have you ever wished you were in a passionate love of the kind they write books about? Well I used to back in the day. I thought I was entitled to it. I thought it would be wonderful. I thought it would be fun. here is the truth. It's hard. Very hard. And the ending is murder.
Thank God for this site and the people on it.
[This message edited by etaoin at 10:49 PM, October 15th (Monday)]
I personally would not contact the AP's BH, going with the whole NC = no new hurts concept, which seems to be proven over and over with members of this site. I think your job right now as far as the AP is concerned is to work on detachment, and to stay out of their marriage in any way, shape, or form. If the BH contacts you asking for information, that dynamic may change, it may be beneficial for him to get that information from you, and there are hopefully other people on this board that can advise you when and if that happens.
I'm still confused on whether you are attempting R with your wife or not. Is R on the table? Where did your relationship stand when you began your A? Was there an agreement on whether or not you would be seeing other people?
If your you and your W agreed that you could see other people, I don't see that as a betrayal towards your W.
OTOH, the fact that your AP was married adds a whole layer of complexity to the situation you are in.
Sounds like a tough spot to be in. I guess all I can advise is to live authentically moving forward, to be true to yourself, and to be true to your W if you are attempting to reconcile. Living truthfully is the best way to go.
Wishing you the best as you work through this. We're here for you.
welcome to MH. This is a safe forum to talk and share and hopefully gains some insight through other people's contributions.
I am very grateful for the MH forum.
Here is a link to a thread in SI that my H. found pretty helpful:
It is absolutely in YOUR best interests to stay away from your AP.
Your post is loaded with all sorts of stuff, that just for now I will not comment on. Because it seems very raw.
But absolutely as much as it will continue to hurt you must withdraw from you addition to your affair. Just like many wisdoms you have accepted from SI, please hear this ...
your connection and addiction is not really the AP. It is the Affair itself. The AP is only your own reflection.
Good luck with these early stages.
The A started about 2 months before I moved out. W knew something was up, but not with who or how extensive.
As for loving the A rather than the AP, I think you are right intellectually, but emotionally all I can think of is her and how what I thought was truth got yanked away and my heart and mind went with it. I hate to say it, but I think I could really use some counseling. I feel like such a failure.
I so needed your advice. Thank you again.
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
Rachel. Yes. I have to see myself as well as AP. We are both cheaters. We both saw what we wanted. I can't even fathom how long a road I have to get back to normal. But I will not let this thing define me for all time!
Feeling a smidge better today since posting. I refused to look at my cell phone for hours. Usually I am checking it every 15 minutes to see if she texted me.
I had no conception of how therapeutic it was just to post on here.