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User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Etaoin

I am glad you read and found Maia's guide helpful.

And that you are feeling a bit better today. I also encourage you to think about posting on Wayward as well as in this forum.

At the moment you are seeing your situation and world very much through the eyes of someone still 'emotionally' in and attached to their affair.

There are many posters in Wayward who have so much insight and will really be able to guide you in your early days.

MH forum is a very special place but does get a lot less 'traffic'

At the moment I think you are still linking your choices to have an affair to how you were feeling in your marriage and possibly even to your experience of betrayal by your wife.

Gently - this is all faulty thinking. this is your concious self protecting you from facing the true reasons, implications and consequesnces of having an affair.

Lots of people are deeply unhappy in the marriages, not everyone who is has an affair. Lots of people are in very happy marriages and then have an affair. The two things are not connected.

The reality is that something in you needed filling, and instead of living authentically, facing it and growing as a person (in or out of your marriage) you choice to betray your spouse and feed your need in the dark.

All the good feelings you got from this you have associated with your affair partner.

I am not saying this to be harsh on - as all of us who have betrayed our spouses have done this.

I am not judging you. but it is very important to your healing to understand that you and your Affair Partner do not really care for each others wellbeing. You care for the feelings you both were getting during the affair.

she has demonstrated this by throwing you on you 'backside' when those feelings stopped for her, when the risk got to great, or you just weren't serving your purpose anymore.

I understand to contemplate this REALLY hurts. I understand that the feelings you were having were
'real' in the sense you felt them.

However, your feelings were coming from your addiction to seeing a reflection of yourself, a self that was sexy, funny, attractive, powerful... and that is the illusion.

please stay with us, keep posting. I will try to not bombard you with tirades of information and theories.

all I (and others here) offer is food for thought, to stimulate your own reflection.

take each piece contemplate it, don't reject it outright, sit with it and then turn it over and again to test its' relevance to you and your situation.

SI is saving my marriage every day! It has compelled me to not hide and to look at my life with honesty It has guided my husband in turning his back on the choices that were destroying him (and our M).

Everyday we both heal because we have taken the wisdom from this place that works for us.

blessings to you

MegM


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
etaoin
♂ Member
Member # 33270
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God Meg, you see me plain.

You are so right. This got me.
"I am not judging you. but it is very important to your healing to understand that you and your Affair Partner do not really care for each others wellbeing. You care for the feelings you both were getting during the affair.

she has demonstrated this by throwing you on you 'backside' when those feelings stopped for her, when the risk got to great, or you just weren't serving your purpose anymore." I can honestly say,for the first time since d day, I can shed honest tears. Up to this moment, my eyes were stone dry. Not now.

It's so hard. Thank you.


Posts: 229 | Registered: Sep 2011
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard. But it is not impossible.

It is hard because the affair is our crutch. Because before we actively reached out and grabbed that crutch we were in pain. Rather than examine it, find the cause for it and genuinely heal it, we reached for crutch.

...and we forgot how to walk without it. Walking with the crutch feels normal. Walkikng without it feels strange and foreign. it hurts. It means we need to use muscles we have not used for some time.


It is so painful.

I don't know if you are ready to hear this yet ... But that pain is the mirror of what we caused our spouse with our betrayal.

and in many situations it is a shadow of it.

When we betrayed our partner, (and ourselves)we have delivered an injury, a wound so profound that it is described by many as the singel worst trauma of their lives.

I understand you are hurting. I understand that you 'believe' your marriage was already broken. But sometime soon you must look with complete honesty at the harm you have caused.

And not through the prism of your own pain. You must look at it, and understand you have done it. You chose it. and then choose to fix it. To heal yourself and own what you have done, so the one you have betrayed can also heal.

I absolutely commend you for being here.

I am very grateful that we are having this conversation.


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
pecia
♀ New Member
Member # 36941
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

etaoin,

Hello, I just wanted to post a reply to you as far as how to get over missing your affair partner and what to expect. My H somewhat forced me to go NC with my EA. For weeks I struggled with wanting to contact him. I almost had withdrawl symptoms. Nothing seemed right. I missed the good feelings I had when I was talking to him. I remembered everything through rose colored glasses. He was the hero and my H was the enemy because of his suspected EA's and confirmed PA that I used as my justification.Being a mad hatter really confuses all of the issues. What has really helped me is finally coming clean with my H about all of the deception that took place. It brings to light the ugly side of the A. I am starting to see it for what it was - selfish. I have slowly given him the information partly because it was so hard to admit and partly because I didn't want to tell him so many things at once that would finish off any feelings he has left for me. If I would have put all that effort into my M, I wouldn't be in the shitty place I am now. My H is still digesting all of the stuff I told him. I know the extent of how I hurt him now. He still won't committ to R with me, but I feel better knowing that I don't have any more secrets. I don't have any more feelings of love for my EA. I guess I just don't have any feelings for him period, which is strange too considering I was in contact with him for 7 years. It has been almost 4 months of NC. I am working on trying to fix whatever allowed me to behave this way in the first place. It is a hard road but just know that you are not alone. Hang in there.


Me: 34 mad hatter
Him: 35 mad hatter
Married 17 yrs
Kids: 18 yo step-son
Me: EA 2006 - 2012 off and on.
Him: PA 2009 - 2010, prob more I don't know about.
Multiple D-days.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2012
etaoin
♂ Member
Member # 33270
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both. I tend to feel generally ok during the day but the night is hard. I am alone. I try to keep busy.

I can't seem to go anywhere without a trigger. I thought I had cleaned out all messages, but then found that her messages had also gone to my aol message box. Of course, I had to read some of them. "I miss you. I love you. I love you." 8/26/12

I dreamt of her last night.

NC has now been a week. I can't believe that I can go on like this. I damn her one minute as a liar and a coward, and then hope she contacts me the next. I can't get my head around how she can just turn me off like a faucet. Everything Meg says makes sense. Still, I never thought she would do this to me. How pathetic. How delusional.

Now, as for the W. I am really ambivalent about R. I see no need to rush into D anymore, but I have so many resentments that built for so long. Do you advise telling her everything now or wait until some time passes to clear my head. I fear that telling her right away will cloud a lot of issues. So many people know about the A, it is amazing someone hasn't already spoken to my W. So I guess I should be the one to break the news. I feel so evil right now. I guess I just need to get it done. We agreed to talk this weekend. I fear she is hoping for an R talk, but instead I am going to devastate her. God, what an idiot I have been. I had a long term plan all worked out. The only problem is that my W wouldn't cooperate by agreeing to a D, and then my AP throws me in. Life happens while you are making plans.

I guess I will have to do it the hard way. I so wished I could have avoided this. Fog I guess.

I know I am bouncing around here. I think Saturday is the day. God knows what comes next.


Posts: 229 | Registered: Sep 2011
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Etaoin

I understand how fearful you are.

There really is no other ethical choice than to tell your W. the facts of your affair straight away.

This is her life and future that you have messed with. It is her truth too. And the reality is that not telling her is only your fear. Your desire to keep her as an option! There is no integrity in allowing her to make plans based on a lie.

Use SI as your place to 'clear your head' please post up in Wayward for input on how to begin this conversation with your W.

My H. lied, lied and lied to me. He told me no truth, then partial truth, then little bits of the truth for a total of 13 weeks from the first time I suspected and confronted him about his AP.

I lived for those months caught in the web of his lies.

It was these acts on his behalf that traumatised me.

Your W. deserves the truth about her own life and the ability to make decisions on that basis.

this forum and all of SI will support you over this time. Truly. The only way to recovery from the damage you have cause yourself and your W. is through the truth.

There is no way around it, now way over it - you have to go through it.

On the Wayward forum there are a couple of WS' who have confessed up front to their affairs.

Here is a link that might help: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=474387&HL=36033

I wish with all my heart that my H. could atleast of given me the gift of the truth.

I told him about my ONS with my AP immediatly after. He asked for me not to give him details. After his affair 9 years later he then asked for the details. I gave them to him immediatly. He always had my truth. (even though I betrayed him). He tells me this has made all the difference to him. And now I have been on the other side of this. I believe him. The truth absolutely is the only way through this.

Best wishes Etoain I will stay online over the weekend as much as possible and will try to support you at this juncture. I know others in wayward will absolutely do the same. Keep posting. Keep clearing your head.


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some good words from Meg, as always.

I'm short on time but wanted to chime in and say that you need to tell her. Everything, ASAP. Write a letter if you need to, that she can read on her own time. But if you can, you should tell her face to face what she is reckoning with here.

My H knew about my A within couple weeks of the ONS happening. He told me about his A 3 years after it ended (from what he says), after I confessed mine.

I wish I had known years ago and had the right to make decisions about my life with all the facts. Instead, I married him not knowing the truth of it all. Your W has a right to know what she is choosing to R with.

Hang in there and keep posting.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
etaoin
♂ Member
Member # 33270
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no question it is the right thing to do. I will this weekend.

By the way, in my original post, I forgot to mention that despite everything on here, I thought my A was different. That it was the exception to the rule. I could write a book on the reasons for thinking that. I did not want to believe.

There is a post on Wayward where the OP is described as "working both sides of the fence." Upon sober reflection, I am sure that is what my AP was doing. This is why I fear what to say if her H ever contacts me. Maybe I should just let it go, but it is a question for me.

As for posting on wayward board, I see where the BSs really beat up on some of them. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm sure I will dip my feet in eventually.


Posts: 229 | Registered: Sep 2011
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Etaoin

I can understand your reluctance to post up in Wayward. As a MH we can't put a stop sign as I understand it. Coud you PM the Mods to check this out in your situation?

The thing is - once I started posting up in Wayward as a 'wayward' the last of the viels around my infidelity fell away.

Even though I had disclosed and chosen healthy behaviour for 9 years, there was still some wayward thinking that I was hanging onto.

I still saw my infidelity as 'different' and 'closed' I had not been total NC with my AP as they were a 'friend' and it was a one night thing. I certainly had strict boundaries between us, but they were still a friend on FB and for a few years after I would still see them with others.

This has made me see that there is nothing 'different' in my infidelity. All that changes is the names and places. My infidelity was a pretty typical short live EA with a ONS.

It was just plain and ugly.

I thought my AP was 'innocent' in it all. They were not in a relationship at the time. I believed I had betrayed our friendshi as well as my marriage. I shouldered all culpability.

I now have not warmth towards the AP. They were NO friend of mine, my marriage or my H. They are as responsible as I for their duplicity and deceit.
They have no place in my life.

BS' were not hard on me. In fact, the ppl in wayward that called my bullshit were waywards themselves. And through the light and air they put into the cobwebs of my brain I have found the clarity, sunshine and oxygen.

My H. gave me a lot of credit in the early days after my confirmation of his Affair. He talked about my courage and that I put sunshine onto the darkness of his deceit. His tag line is that "sunshine is the best disinfectant"

As a remorseful WS he has only experienced support and goodwill in wayward.

I would encourage you to have a good look at what you are 'afraid' of to post there. Not necessarily with the goal of you posting there, but beause I wonder if underlying that fear is something interesting. Maybe something you haven't looked at yourself yet.

With regards to telling your W. I am very glad you will be talking with her this weekend. Remember, just give the facts. Give her anger and emotions room to come out.

Given that you may not post up in Wayward ... here are my thoughts on going forward...

The act of disclosing your actions should not be about YOUR needs. Listen to what she asks for. Have a timeline ready before you sti down with her, this will help you to stick to the facts. And if she asks for it you can have it ready for her pretty quickly.

Be careful to not offer the events of your Affair as linked to the state of your marriage. These things are only your justiication. They are not reasons. If she asks HOW did you do this - it might be appropriate to talk about how you justified it and enabled your own behaviour.

If your W. asks why, then this is usually meaning the deeper question. And you may not have the answer to this yet. Or you might only have partial answers. A part of your recovery will be understanding these things, you will need to know going into this conversation with your W. if you are prepared to share these things with her over time.

Do not make any promises that you don't know you can keep. If you are unsure wether you are prepared to do the work of reconciliation - then do not offer it. If you are unsure if you are prepared to work with her in recovery do not offer it.

The last thing I would have wanted was any more broken promises. they would have just felt like lies all over again.
These are just my thoughts. Just my opinion.
ETA: PLEASE any other MH's that have some thoughts on this chime on in.

[This message edited by MegM at 4:52 PM, October 18th (Thursday)]


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
etaoin
♂ Member
Member # 33270
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Meg. I will do the best I can.

I had a minor setback today. My AP resigned from a word game on my iphone. I could not do anything since it was her move. so after a while, the game would have automatically terminated. Instead, she resigned and of course i get a message starting with her name. it was like an arrow through my heart. I tell you, I can't believe the power this woman has over me. I spent the next 15 minutes staring out a window debating whether to text her. I did not I am happy to say. Just a vent. Stupid I know.

With that said, I can't think of any chance of breaking NC, except thru work. I am sick at the thought. But it might happen. Any ideas at all? And no, there is no way I can avoid it if there is a need. This is the path I chose, and now I have to deal with it. I'm thinking to be business like, not rude, not friendly. Just get it done. Email over phone. Phone over in person.


Posts: 229 | Registered: Sep 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

etaoin - Three words: detach, detach, detach.

I can not stress that enough. NC means not only no communication, but no mental contact as well. If she is taking up space in your head, that is mental contact. Strive toward indifference.

I know, easier said than done, but it will get easier with time and practice.

If you are forced to communicate with her in a professional environment, keep it strictly business. Is it possible to change jobs?

Hang in there. You are making some great strides by posting out here and being open about all of your feelings and thoughts.


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
etaoin
♂ Member
Member # 33270
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my AP called me to apologize in tears and of course I folded like a card table. But when I asked what she wanted to do, I got "I don't know." She called me 3 times and I sent her a long email to the effect of commit or let me go. Total crickets since. I should have known.

As for my WW, I went over to talk and she is so preoccupied with her new life and dating that I saw no reason to go into the A. It's over.

I am starting ADs and going into counseling. I had no idea how hard this was going to be. Beat me up. I guess I am a coward as well as a fool.


Posts: 229 | Registered: Sep 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not our job to beat you up, and you're doing it plenty besides.

If your M is over, you should really not be having relationship with your AP IMO. She is toxic and manipulates you, and you are weak where she is concerned. NC is the best way to protect yourself and heal. I think taking some time to invest in/ work on yourself to heal from your W's A as well as yours will give you dividends down the road.

How about a new hobby? No more phone games where she can contact you. Maybe even take a break from FB. Take up photography with your phone instead, lots of cool apps out there to make effects on pictures and such. Do you have a pet? Now might be a good time to look into a furry companion, and there are so many homeless animals just waiting to bring love into someone's life


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your M is over, you should really not be having relationship with your AP IMO. She is toxic and manipulates you, and you are weak where she is concerned. NC is the best way to protect yourself and heal. I think taking some time to invest in/ work on yourself to heal from your W's A as well as yours will give you dividends down the road.


If this is your new normal, then you need to pull to yourself and no body else at this point.

Make a choice to not date for a good year - choose not to go there and create a relationship with yourself.

IC to gain insight, rejuvinate yourself with some new hobby's. Go on a self-vacation, and learn to love yourself again.

Sometimes when we identify ourselves so much with the people that we are with, we lose who we are as individuals. Find that individual and better that person.

The best gift you could give a possible future mate, is the best you you can be, and a person who loves themselves for who they are.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
~Some days are better then others~

Posts: 1614 | Registered: Sep 2012
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, October 31st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling so lost right now!

I just wrote out the list, all the women (that I know of), three dating sites (that I know of). 14 OW since Oct 2010, most PAs, some I've been told weren't. At least 2 of those were EAs too.

I get it. I f'd up. He found another man here, at my new place (after he asked me to move out, after he said we were broken up, and WHILE he was playing with multiple other girls in his "bullpen"). I understand and have accepted full responsibility for my actions, for the fact that I deceived him, for the fact that we were still sleeping together, while understanding if I truly wasn't doing anything wrong, then I wouldn't have had to lie to him. HOWEVER, 2months into this, I'm a mess.

I feel like all he has to do is keep reminding me "I'm here. I'll always be here. I love you." (which he does), and he doesn't ever have to worry about me even looking at another male EVER again. Yet, I, on the other hand, can be doing his laundry, cleaning his house, making his meals, living with him, giving him an amazing sex life, being close with him, telling him I love him, and that not secure a damn thing of his fidelity. So how do I begin to trust him again?

We had transparent honesty set in place this time, all passwords open, and it was helping. This morning, I discovered he had changed his pw to his email 41hrs ago. His explanation was believable. (His son has the same name, he was trying to change his pw, changed his instead, realized, tried to change it back, couldn't, so changed it to almost exact same.) The total slip of the mind for a full 41hrs to disclose that to me though has me rocked. He did tell me straight away when I mentioned it, but by then, what's gone on those past 41hrs?

He's worked SO hard the past couple months. I don't want it just all for not, but UGH, I'm an insecure mess still now... even after a long conversation riddled with all his reassurances and apologies and promises it won't happen again.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 6:32 AM, October 31st (Wednesday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
LetsStop
♂ New Member
Member # 37334
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We started what we called an open marriage. Wow, that's a farce. We fought about sex all the time...the more we fought the less we had. I went to the bar, met a 27yr old and had sex the next week. No connection. She made out with her boss, lots of sexual tension. He wanted some oral and she said no. This I believe. We got mad at each other. I said I never wanted to do this again. She agreed...except she proceeded to have an EA with a former BF. I asked her stop, I don't know if she ever did. Then she started another EA with a guy who hung the F'in moon. This has lasted at last a year and half. I really did not know what an EA was till I found this shit. Then she asked to open the marriage up again. I thought if I said yes she would stop the EA's. Boy was I wrong. She has 2 EA's plus real one with a guy who she met on twitter. Met one of the EA's on twitter as well. I bet none of three know about the other. Oh, they are all married and she seduced them. Lucky guys, I hope their lives are as shitty as mine. When she opened it up I had 2 more ONS with same girl and 1 other girl. I know I'm asshole. I stopped right away. I'm not better just better about not developing attachments. It's now been over a year. We broke each other, but she lies to me all the time and wont give a damn detail. I never lied to her. she knew where I was at the whole time. She is still on Twitter but I bet her EA has broken up with her. AND NOW HER Stupid asshole dad who has only slept with his wife, never had a drink of alcohol, pious dick, retired Colonel and farmer is fucking around on her mom who is in cancer remission. Now this has really screwed her up. Her sister found it on his computer. Oh and he is rich and holds that shit over everyones head. I thought we getting close to try R. Probably not now as he holds the moon in her mind. Oh and I'm passive aggressive and she is a liar.
What do I do?


FWH Me
WS Her
Married 13 years
Not enough space to write all the DD's
Started Sept 2010
Last DD# 11-1-12
She is still In the Fog. Me I've been out for 1.5 yrs.
3 kids

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2012
LetsStop
♂ New Member
Member # 37334
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And if would stop being a passive aggressive jerk she would stop lying or vice versa. This is worse than the affairs. We are past the Affairs and will never do that again.


FWH Me
WS Her
Married 13 years
Not enough space to write all the DD's
Started Sept 2010
Last DD# 11-1-12
She is still In the Fog. Me I've been out for 1.5 yrs.
3 kids

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2012
LetsStop
♂ New Member
Member # 37334
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I was right. She went out of town with a girlfriend from college...turns out when I opened her computer to play chess...tweet deck was open...right there, her escape from reality Mr. Big shot himself. F him. They were on DM tonight. Wow and I washed and vacuumed my car for her. Oh and she told her BF that her friend had a BF. Oh my. They are both Dr.'s by the way. Wow. Oh and her husband who is a Dr. just got back from Afghanistan. 3rd tour of duty. Awesome surgeon. F this world.


FWH Me
WS Her
Married 13 years
Not enough space to write all the DD's
Started Sept 2010
Last DD# 11-1-12
She is still In the Fog. Me I've been out for 1.5 yrs.
3 kids

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2012
etaoin
♂ Member
Member # 33270
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the crickets continue from my AP. I was going to send her a "final" email but instead chose to post here. I guess that is progress.

I had a small epiphany today. I always thought that our relationship was different. A romance if you will. Instead, I have to face up to the fact that it was just a run of the mill affair. It is a bit of an eye opener that I could have been as tawdry and pathetic as everyone else in these sordid situations.

My AP always misused the word antidote when she meant anecdote. Seeing as an antidote is what you give someone who has been poisoned, I do find the metaphor strangely apt.


Posts: 229 | Registered: Sep 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry to see so many new folks joining us here. Welcome, y'all. The road that brings you to SI is a shitty one, but you're in the right place.

I'm short on time, so I hope another madhatter that is more of a vet can chime in, but I don't want y'all to go unheard, so...

Etaoin- great work posting here instead. Keep it up and it will get easier the longer you are NC, I promise. How is IC going?

LetsStop- are there kids in the picture? How long have you been married? Are you or your W in IC (individual counseling) or MC? I suggest you look to the Healing Library on the left side of the page here. Lots of great resources. As we are madhatters, we kind of have to glean what applies from the readings for WS and BS and apply it to our own situation. It's messy. It sounds like communication with your W is not so great right now. I guess my first question is do you and your W want to save this M? If the answer is yes for you both, then you have tons of work to do. First of all is you both have to STOP CHEATING. This is absolutely critical because you will keep hurting each other until it stops. If either of you can't or won't stop, you should consider S/D. Not everyone can handle this and it is okay to call it a deal breaker. Don't reconcile just because you feel guilty for cheating too. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate her continued actions but yours really need to stop too. RA's (revenge affairs) do not help anything and only add to both your pain. Can you clarify how all this started and how long it's gone on?

Windowsnotwalls- just because he did a lot of work before does not mean he gets "credits" and gets to F up now. Anytime your partner cheats, it is a new DDay and the clock resets again. Your healing has to start again from zero. Are y'all in IC/MC? Honestly he is a serial cheat and liar and is going back to his old ways with this password change. This stops when you say it does, do you want to live like this? It is not R. A wayward has to be behaving correctly for a sustained period of time in order to get the "former" title and your H did not do it IMO. Those 2 months don't count if he is back in the saddle again because it means he was white-knuckling it and doesn't value and treat you the way he should. You can't do all the work and love him back into this relationship, it is not enough.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

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