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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
LetsStop
♂ New Member
Member # 37334
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to R but I will say this: I have been an ass as far as this twitter stuff goes. I need to man up, its all my fault. I own it. But I am not going to continue down this road. It causes my heart to stop. It has to stop. I will leave if she decides to stay in it.


FWH Me
WS Her
Married 13 years
Not enough space to write all the DD's
Started Sept 2010
Last DD# 11-1-12
She is still In the Fog. Me I've been out for 1.5 yrs.
3 kids

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2012
LetsStop
♂ New Member
Member # 37334
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and yesterday was her birthday and today...we got engaged.


FWH Me
WS Her
Married 13 years
Not enough space to write all the DD's
Started Sept 2010
Last DD# 11-1-12
She is still In the Fog. Me I've been out for 1.5 yrs.
3 kids

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, this
It has to stop. I will leave if she decides to stay in it.

should be addressed before you make any major decisions like this
...we got engaged.

Maybe I misunderstand what you are saying is going on in your relationship, but you can't love her back into the relationship just as you can't "jealous" her back into it by having RAs. You can't buy her back in with a commitment like this. How about yall start with some counseling?? If you are going to get married, you absolutely have to have therapy to recover from this.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LetsStop - you've listed a lot of issues that you would like to work on in your relationship, and with your significant other, and with yourself. On top of that, there are kids in the mix. You can work on all of your issues at once, but ultimately there will need to be some focus and some prioritization. What are the things you want to work on first?

I think NEM nailed it with the counseling. I'd like to stress the importance of IC, or individual counseling, as well. It's damn near impossible to work on a relationship until your individual issues are at least being worked upon.

I'm not sure what advice to offer, other than to slow down, take a deep breath, and try to refrain from any major decisions in the near future. Try to use as many resources as you can. Continue posting out here, check out the healing library in the upper left, and maybe look into some reading.

The most commonly recommended book on this site is Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, which I would also personally recommend. In whatever type of relationship you are in, you can gain a lot of information from this book about boundaries, etc.

Best of luck to you, and welcome to SI.


Posts: 4549 | Registered: Dec 2010
LetsStop
♂ New Member
Member # 37334
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I see how confused some people. I tend to do that. We were engaged 13 years ago today. Nov 2, 1999. I agree on this has to stop. I can't put her in a checkmate situation though. She is not a liar. I called her a liar. She says the Internet affair is not real, just an addiction, that she can check into and out of. I tend to agree. She loves to check out. Makes life easier for her. That's how I failed her to begin with. I'm going to counseling. Starts next week. I hope and pray that we can be a family again.


FWH Me
WS Her
Married 13 years
Not enough space to write all the DD's
Started Sept 2010
Last DD# 11-1-12
She is still In the Fog. Me I've been out for 1.5 yrs.
3 kids

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2012
Cannaman
♂ Member
Member # 33834
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure if I am looking for advice or if I just wanted to let this out. I am feeling guilty about feeling like FWW/BSO's A could be a deal breaker. I feel like because I have been quite the fuck up, ONS early in our relationship and other inappropriate behavior, recovering drug addict/ binge drinker with repeated relapses, that I am disqualified from seeing her A as a dealbreaker. The problem is, I don't know if I'll ever get over it.


m BS/ FWBF/ F pill addict binge drinker 33 h FWW/ BGF 34
d 5 s 3
My A: ONS 2003 other inappropriate behavior/ poor boundaries
Her A: 5 month EA/PA 2011
DDay 8/30/11 (I caught her and confessed to mine)
married 3 years, together 15 working on R/

Posts: 397 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: right behind you
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cannaman, if it's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker. You should not R just because you cheated too. Wrong reason.

All that said, I need to take my own advice.

I'm the flip opposite of you, had a ONS after M but he had an A for a year with OW1 and something I'm unsure of with OW2, but both were before M. I would not have M'd him if I knew. But that doesn't exempt me from repercussions of my ONS. Did you W know?

If you are sitting on the fence and someone has a gun to your head and you have to choose, what is your first instinct? Now, that answered, what does that tell you about your choice when you sit and think about it? Do you still love her and want to spend the rest of your days with her?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just struck by something this morning;

i'm on here complaining about my fWH as much as anyone...

I wonder if we grow more when we are trying to fix ourselves in the role of the Wayward. There is humility in that.

When we are constantly in the BS mode - ego gets involved...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3651 | Registered: Dec 2010
SoftwareGuy
♂ New Member
Member # 37388
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Posted last night on JFO, but it got moved to General. 6 weeks of TT...

Didn't know of Madhatters, but mods have set me straight on that .

I have a 14 year marriage that started as an affair for both me and my wife.

Would be interested on feedback from other Madhatters on the my thread in General.

thnx.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2012
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

easy on the 2x4s

Ok, here goes. I found out about WW/Stbxw's A on 7/15. This was the 3rd time in 19 years. We had been separated for 11 months. Her A was 5 months along at the time I moved out - but I had no idea. WW battered me in front of kids. I left.

I offered R. She rejected. I didn't listen to everyone here who said file the D. MC went 2 sessions and she refused to return, saying she was "done". Coparenting has been bumpy, with communications 4-5 times a week. Sometimes boiling over to hurtling insults and of course blameshifting to me. In my anger, rage, and terrible loneliness and despair I began working out and dieting. Well, after a few months I lost 70 lbs and got my self esteem back. Actually started liking to look in the mirror again. Well, it didn't take long for the opposite sex to notice my change either.
While only a few months removed from this mess, I dated a few women. And now I have really done it. I met someone I really like.

Here comes the kicker - I never filed. And now, the stbxw/ww is talking like fog is lifted. Fuck me.

I have decided to file and made an appointment for this Friday to go in and finally do it. But i feel terrible conflict. In all the times my stbxw cheated and dumped me in the years past, I moved on after 3-6 months (just like now) and met someone new. Now I feel like I have the ghost of 3 ex GF's on my shoulder shaking there heads in disgust. This new person I have met is unaware of my internal conflict. She knows about my situation. She is pushing me to D.

I don't know what I am now. Did I RA? why did I do this? I do know I feel like I have given up the high moral ground. STBXW knows about new person. In the past, this is exactly what has played out. Once I get strong and move on, she takes notice again and wants me back.

So I felt compelled to post. I have been trying to stay away from SI for a month or so intentionally.

I am still triggered daily by the ww's A. It still cuts me deep, but it feels different now.

I am in IC and the C knows my whole story and what I have been up to. He has expressed concern, mostly for the new person and my past behavior.

What a mess...


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey kchip. I remember reading some of your threads.

Have you considered being alone and not bouncing from relationship to relationship? What you describe makes it seem as if you never go more than 3-6 months between finding a new partner.... Is this really fair to each new partner you find? Fair to you? Your kids?

Your W did some nasty shit to you from wht I recall, I dont remember specifics but I remember thinking you were definitely done. Even your tag line says it in all caps. DIVORCING.

All that said, you do need to end this with the new person. Period. You are not ready for a relationship. Yes it's great that you're healING (not healED) but you have work to do still. Great that you're getting in shape. Be healthy for you and your kids though. Now is not the time to be moving on to your next relationship. If your W still has a chain she is jerking you around on AT ALL (even just her hypothetically in your head as you imagine what could have been), and she is sure taking up space in your head now, you have no business starting anything new.

Not sure if your kids have met new GF but the trauma of your M ending is bad enough, having GFs coming and going in their lives is going to F it up even worse for them.

Why didnt you file? The answer to that is related to whether or not you lost the moral High ground. If you never filed because deep down you hoped things would work out, then yeah you had an A and this is not ok. If it was another reason, then I don't know. Maybe look into that.

I am still triggered daily by the ww's A. It still cuts me deep, but it feels different now.

This is why you should not be in a relationship and just work on you.

Hang in there pal and make good choices for you and your little ones.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

last night we both went out for dinner with other people of the same sex - me with a friend, him with a client.
I was home at 7, him at 9 and he was stumbling drunk. We had an agreement about number of drinks when weren't out together. Me - 2, him 3-4, depending on time out. He had at least 5 to be that drunk and he admitted it last night but recanted this am.
And, he was at the club where she belongs.
I'm not mad, just sad.
As a fWW I just want to follow our boundaries and not make him have to worry at all. There is nothing I can do except be the wife I want to be...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3651 | Registered: Dec 2010
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was alone for 16 months. WW hung me out forever until I discovered she was in an A. This was long freaking time for me to be alone.

My kids have not met this new person and I have no intention of telling them about her or introducing them to her. No way.

Without a doubt, I had no intention of meeting someone to be serious about. But here I am. I feel selfish and remorseful. What does this mean...??


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wht were the consequences for breaking the drink limit? What would happen if you broke your drink limit in a place were OM was?

Time to enforce consequences. He will take every inch you give him, Rachel. You are a BS too and don't deserve this shit just because you were a WW.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kchip it means you aren't ready for a relationship. You may have been alone for that long but you did not know about her A until DDay. The clock resets then, IMO.

I think you should ask the New Beginnings folks about what to do about putting this new GF on the back burner for some time, or setting her free. Even if she says she wants to wait for you to D your WW, this chick should not be part of that equation at all.

Props for keeping this GF away from your kids. Solid choice.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wht were the consequences for breaking the drink limit? What would happen if you broke your drink limit in a place were OM was?

Not sure we talked about consequences... he knows he screwed up but I haven't thought of what to do/say...

There is no way I would break my drink limit no matter who I was with. It's about respecting him, myself and our marriage. There is no way I would go to a club where OM belonged and get drunk, even if he was NOT there...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3651 | Registered: Dec 2010
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:20 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip...

This thread is strictly for Madhatters. Your situation does not qualify you as a MHer.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192011 | Registered: May 2002
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok well maybe lite 180 if you can't think of anything else.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopefully TG will stop by (or others) and give me some advice...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3651 | Registered: Dec 2010
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I'm sorry I can't recommend anything better. I'm the one more prone to drink too much in this M, but I'd have been less calm and mature than you about it of my H had too much like this... And in the same environment as OW. How did you find out she was there? He told you?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
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