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User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice2know,

sorry to see you here, read your story. Tough position your in. Are you in any kind of IC, is your H? Is your H remorseful at all for what he has done? It sounds like you are in a lot of pain for everything that has gone on. Sorry about your pain, drinking right now may not be a good idea, it tend to allow us to not make good decisions. SI is a great place to come for support, glad you found us.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
sorrowbecomesyou
♀ New Member
Member # 35139
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody else have their fellow madhatter get mad at them for not being angry? My husband (bigmo3516) and I are both madhatters and he seems to get frustrated with me because I'm not angry at his affair anymore. I was on D-Day of course, and for several months after, but now? 2 years out? I'm really just not that angry over it anymore, it hurts that it happened yeah, but what am I supposed to do? Wallow in angst and depression from something that happened 2 years ago? I don't get frustrated with him that he does still have trouble with it, and I've never expected nor asked him to just 'get over it', but every now and then he asks me why I don't ever want to talk about his A anymore and I just don't understand why he wants me to. I've had alot of trauma in my life (I know that sounds melodramatic but it's true) and I've just reached a point where I move past pain quickly, basically going through a month or two or CRRRRAAA-ZYYY mood swings and off the wall days ranging from depression to euphoria. He knows this and it constantly confuses me as to why he has such a hard time accepting that I've moved past his A faster than he is moving past mine. It's like he's mad that I've forgiven him so fast!!! Wth?!?!

[This message edited by sorrowbecomesyou at 11:32 PM, April 18th (Wednesday)]


I cannot go back and change the past, I can only affect the future. I cannot take back what happened, I can only ensure that it never happens again.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Louisiana
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe for him it is his measuring stick of the depth of your love for him. In other words the longer your angry the more you love him. Make sense? If you loved him a lot you would be really angry and not be able to move past it because it hurt you so badly. He probably is not understanding that different people processes things differently. Your tools have allowed you to walk through the pain and not hold onto it and take it out and look at it and hold onto it as he is doing. You have let go of it. JMHO


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he is concerned that your not really getting through it and just sweeping it under the rug. If your both doing the work then it will get better. We all process things differently and at different speeds. The difference is that we are being honest about our feelings now. So ask him directly why that bothers him, is it a concern for you or for him?

[This message edited by hardlessons at 4:23 PM, April 19th (Thursday)]


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Khloe_2011
♀ Member
Member # 34467
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone,

So if you read my story i am the one who began the A then my H had a RA out of spite. When i was snooping thru his email he had the MOW marked on there as an anniversary day and her bday. I guess what is bothering me is that he spent $250 on a room at the Double Tree for just a few hours mainly to impress the bitch.

My question is to those who decided to have a RA what were your feelings when it actually happened? My H keeps saying he didnt want to do it and he felt i was making him because he was so hurt. But i guess when i see little things like anniversary date (which he forgot to delete when he got caught) and her calling him babe it makes me think that it was real.
I guess i feel like a complete hipicrit since my A lasted so long but i guess now when i look back i can say i never had real feelings for my MOM and even if i got a D i would never be with him. Which sounds even stupidier because i messed up my life for a man i dont ever see myself with and i knew it during the affair.
Sorry for the random thoughts..just thinking about it all day.


Madhatter FWW (Me): 28
Madhatter FBH-29
T-12yrs M-8
D-day(s)- Mine Dec 2010, His Feb 2011
Wh broke nc and called her March 2011, june 2011 and Nov 2013. Wh saw her and broke nc May 2012
Beautiful son 2 and daughter 5 months
working on R, but ba

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if you've not read my post in the R forum an update - caught him on top of another woman in the park on Thursday. I also caught him in the first affair. I also asked him a question yesterday and he lied - I had proof he kissed her in his car.
When will it stop? Can he change?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3652 | Registered: Dec 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's doing everything right - I'm just so so sad....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3652 | Registered: Dec 2010
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he seem remorseful rachelc?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

very much so - reading, going to IC and MC, gave his phone back to his company and is on our family plan only, suggested we move, finally back to the man I married 25 years ago, I can tell.
I feel safe for now. I hope he gets that he's an addict and needs to stay away from the bar forever. WE're talking boundaries tonight..
It will take me so long to trust him being he's never been forthcoming with the truth. I told him he has until the end of the summer to prove himself. I believe in him. It's just hard...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3652 | Registered: Dec 2010
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right there with you, busted him in second EA. Thought we were in R, for two years.

It has actually been this way for quite a bit of our M.

If he is remorseful then it is up to you if you want to remain and watch him. I know how you feel though, it is hard. Big hugs.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
poisonette
♀ Member
Member # 10520
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here too.
Right now I don't feel I belong anywhere else on this site.

My FWH had 2 PA's (that I know of, he insists it's only been 2) and was a general ass to me except when he was in his A's.

I tried for years to get passed his A's but he was never remorseful. I'm not sure he even regretted it, maybe regretted getting caught.

I eventually got to the point that I couldn't take the abuse anymore and asked for a divorce. I thought he would get mad and leave, instead he fought tooth & nail to stay. He begged & pleaded to know the "why's & how's" of my getting to that point.

Meantime, one of my FB Game friends & I start talking about more than the game. Me deciding to leave my H opened a door for OM to start winning my heart. I start falling for him, & him for me. We vid chatted, used to talk on the phone a lot too, PM'd on FB & Skype. I. His eyes I was his future & I was beginning to believe that too. The only thing holding me back was never meeting him face-to-face. He lives 800 miles away.

My FWH has become remorseful about everything, no slip ups to the old jerk he used to be & OM was still all talk.

By deciding on giving my FWH one last chance I have to file my relationship with OM as an affair. It hurts to do so & at this point feels wrong (no 2x4's please) because I was trying these past 6 months to last him to leave but couldn't.

We live with my Mom, H is a spendoholic & hoarder, I'm a SAHM codependent poor at verbal communication & hate confrontation. I'm weak & gave up the fight to get what I wanted. Yrs, I'm still on my own roller coaster and have no one in real life to talk to.

Sorry to partially vent. Having a rough week.


Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy. - The consequences of our actions are so complicated, so diverse, that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed. JKR

Posts: 602 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Kent, OH
dzaster
♀ Member
Member # 30977
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Khloe -

My H keeps saying he didnt want to do it and he felt i was making him because he was so hurt.

My WH/BH said the EXACT same thing. With time I realize that it was just him wanting to eat cake too. We've been in R for almost a year now and I am still not sure if I want to stay M when that's his response (after his two EA's prior to my A also...)

Sorry to hear you're going through that. Hugs.


Me - FBW/FWW 39, Him - FBH/FWH 40, DS - 16, DS - 13
His D-days: 2001, 2008, multiple 2011
My D-Day: 11/19/10
R-day: June 2011...going well
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" - Semisonic

Posts: 201 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else struggle on sexual issues in the M? Since I betrayed him too, I feel ashamed for any questions or needs or even thinking about it... My betrayal was not physical, though that makes it no less devastating. The OM was an ex, so we had a history (all of which was abusive), and I feel ashamed of that. Like I should never be allowed to have sex ever again. H says he forgives me and doesn't feel angry or betrayed, but I know my betrayal has hurt us, as much as his betrayals hurt us.

Sometimes I try to talk to him about sex (try to talk to him about many things that he brushes off). I ask what turns him on, if he wants to do it, if there's anything we can try or do differently... His response is that he likes spontaneous, and doesn't want to feel pressured by either scheduling or talking about it too much (which he says ruins things) or doing it too much (which he says depletes the brain chemicals). Earlier this week, I summoned the courage to ask again why he doesn't go down on me (I go down on him every time - sorry for TMI - if I don't initiate it first, he pulls my hand down and non-verbally requests it), if it was something to do with my smell or taste, or if he just didn't like it. He mumbled something about 'not enough time, I don't know', then said that the more I ask, the more he feels weird and doesn't want to do it. I don't want to pressure him, so I shouldn't ask him again. What is the fine line between asking for what you want and pressuring someone?

He seems to have this reaction a lot when sex comes up, or if I playfully sit in his lap, or even if I kiss him sometimes. At first I thought, maybe the meds, but he's been like this - moody - since before his betrayal with OW a few years ago. Sometimes he's on, other times not. I wondered if it was something in his past, or something I did (betrayal and anything else), or if I don't turn him on enough, or if all the porn did it... A million and one things, and I cannot figure out ANY of it because he isn't willing to open up about it. I'm thinking of taking sex off the table, because he seems uncomfortable with talking about it and doesn't seem to want it very often, and I don't want to pressure him. And I feel uglier and more hurt with every time he rejects me and looks down on me like I'm disgusting.

Maybe I'm SA... I'm having a hard time not thinking sexual thoughts. I feel ashamed for admitting this. Earlier today I was reading one of those silly Cosmo articles about how to spice things up, wondering if maybe he was just losing interest because I might not be spicing it up enough (but because he won't talk to me, I have no idea what he's thinking or feeling about it). He peered over my shoulder and got angry to find me reading this. Was it cheating? I would gladly read the tips with him. Should I have asked him first? I tried to talk to him about it, and he made a noise of dismissal. Why do I feel like I did something horribly wrong? Should I completely cut sexuality off altogether? No reading articles, no MB (he gets snarky about it), no initiating, no talking about it? Can a person do this? But it is selfish and hurting H and our M to be sexual?

He still talks about other women. He's talking about the WWE Divas right now...

Sorry for this. Does anyone else have any experiences with this?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Silverhopes, I am so sad reading this and so sorry I didn't check in sooner. It's hard to post anything and not get a quick response and then to post something so vulnerable...oh man! I just want to reach out and give you big big hug.

I feel your pain and confusion. From what you have written I say your feelings and needs sound normal and healthy. And it sounds like you have tried to communicate with your H but he keeps shutting it down. You are responding in a healthy way but your H isn't, IMHO. I am concerned about your H. Something is really wrong here. His reactions or lack of reactions seems really unhealthy.

I'm sorry sweetie. I don't know what else to say.

Write back if you need to vent more and maybe together we can work through some of this.

((((silverhopes))))


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi openbook

Still having a hard time. Sorry I'm not writing with something positive. He rejected me again last night and on Tuesday. I do think something's wrong. I wish he would tell me. How are we going to work through this if I don't know what's going on?

Hmmm. Maybe he doesn't know either. I wonder if he feels out of touch with his feelings. That wouldn't surprise me. And it's something he's got to take the reins on. So maybe I need to be more patient.

I'm definitely thinking of taking physical intimacy off the table now. I hate feeling like I'm making him uncomfortable, like he has to push me away. There are other ways I can show him love. Maybe this week I'll work on "Acts of Service" and see how that goes. Clean the kitchen, make some good food. Give him space. Take some space for myself. Focus on doing the things I know we like to do together (favorite TV shows). Not pressure him any with our son.

Thank you for listening. How have you been this week?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 8:59 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you have a game plan for now. That's good. It is something that will need to be addressed at some point though. I think it is really important that both spouses feel contented with each other both physically and emotionally. It waxes and wanes of course and we all need to understand that that process is normal. But prolonged mismatches need to be worked out.

I'm rooting for you both!

I am doing really great actually. My life is still in transition but I have found a peace that I haven't felt in a long long time. My H and I are separated and I think I am almost done mourning the loss of my dream life. I am sure I will cycle through again but I've been settled in this for several weeks now. When my H abd I were together I'd have emotional high and low cycles quite frequently. I was dizzy and exhausted from it. It's part of the reason I let myself become a mad hatter. I wanted the cycling and pain to stop. Yeah, well obviously I wasn't using my brain or my heart at that point. I was truly a mess.

I feel so much more clear headed and settled now. I have a lot to work out with the details of life but emotionally and spiritually I am better than I have been in over a decade. My therapist thinks so too

thanks for asking!


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so uplifting to find that inner peace. It sounds like you're in a wonderful place. It is hard to mourn the passing of a dream. The scary part is going through it, where we can stay hurting or come out realizing how healthy we can feel inside ourselves. You're so strong. I'm glad you're having a good week!

Yes, for now I'm winging a game plan. Pretty much: be as pleasant and engaging as possible. This morning was a good surprise; H initiated, and I felt closer to him afterward. Still working hard on us! But you're right: H and I are going to need to address this straightforwardly at some point. We need consistency. And we need to feel safe communicating with each other. I don't want to say goodbye to this dream.

So much to do. It's comforting to know that we don't need all the answers in one day. It's a process.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much to do. It's comforting to know that we don't need all the answers in one day. It's a process.

Isn't that the truth!!!

I might just print that for when I fall back into my old pattern of trying to fix everything in one single moment


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
whatjusthappened
♀ Member
Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if this is the "right" place to come out to SIers, or if I should be more public about it, but...deep breath...here goes...

I am a madhatter. I had my A 10 years ago, with a college xBF that I had reconnected with. Long story short, it was an attempted exit A. I don't think I ever wanted to leave my H for the xBF - I liked the attention way more than I liked the xBF - but in my sick logic, I had hoped I would get caught, get thrown out or forced to leave, and somehow it would be better than my just admitting that I was miserable in my M and leaving. While my H never confronted me during the A, he did know that, at the very least, there was an inappropriate relationship between OM and me and begged me to go to MC. We did, and about the same time as starting MC, OM and I stopped seeing each other and went NC. I wish I could say I went NC because I couldn't stand the person I had become, but unfortunately that's untrue. However, H and I did end up working through the issues (or at least, we thought we did), I rediscovered my love for him, and we essentially rugswept my A. Because, why 'fess up and talk about something if H wasn't going to ask me straight up if I was having an A and if everything else was fine, right? Right!?

Yeah, now I know better. Fast forward 10 years and the roles are reversed. Shortly after my D-Day I came clean and told him everything about the A. He confirmed that he really did "know", in the same way that all BS's "know" before they REALLY know. It was an extremely anticlimatic confession. He got a little emotional, but never angry. I promised him when I told him that if we needed to revisit my A to help us heal, we could and we would, as scary as it is for me.

So now my problem: I do feel like he doesn't want to pick at that scab, even though I suspect we need to. Trust me - I don't want to go back to that time in my life. I look back on that person with disgust and contempt, and I can't believe I was such a soulless bitch. However, I think we probably need to address some of the issues we glossed over when we rugswept my A. Also, my A has helped to give me a little bit of insight into fWH's mindset (although the scenarios were different), and I'm hoping that his role as a BH in my A will help give him some perspective into my head. Our MC (she knows about my A too) has said the same, but whenever I try to ask him if he wants to discuss it, he swears he's over it. I've asked him if it's because he thinks he deserves to feel the guilt of his A, since it was the more recent of the two, and he says it's not that - he just truly doesn't see or feel a need to go back there.

Is it possible that he really means that? I have a hard time believing it. I don't want to tell him how to feel, but it just seems to me that in order to truly heal, we need to at least address his emotions about it. Like I said, I don't enjoy the thought of bringing it up, but I've learned from fWH's A that if that's what he needs, then I need to do it. Should I keep pushing, or should I wait until he's ready to talk about it?


Me - 39
Him - 38
Married 15 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Most days.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((whatjusthappened)))

I'm sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found us. I don't know any good advice right now - I Can Relate, with my H not talking about his feelings much wrt either of our betrayals - but wanted to say you've been heard and welcome to the group.

Another wise member said that if he says he doesn't feel a certain way or doesn't seem upset, maybe it's true (for now). Either way, if you want a way to open a door to a discussion while letting him choose, perhaps write out a timeline and give it to him. That way, the answers are in his hands, but he can decide if/when he needs to explore them with you. It shows him you're willing to be open about it. Also, keep giving your M all the love you can, and it will show him that you are working to heal him, yourself, and the M.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
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