It's a little over two weeks since d day and nc. Of course dh was in the tix booth with another employee. They exchanged hellos and he said he didn't even look at her.
I have been waiting for her to show up there. I'm glad it's over with and I don't have to worry about when is she going to show up. Idk why she just can't go to her own theater.
So, now we're playing 'house'. I'm sure she isn't digging/working on herself, on the contrary, every few weeks she dedicates herself to a new 'project' or another. Case in point being DS8's recent science project which she threw herself into for weeks with obsession.
I'm starting to fill my time with what I like to do and with the kids. Problem is that I'm home most of the time due to unemployment and we spend lots of time together. It even feels like her compartmentalisation is so good that none of this even bothers her a bit.
Either that, or she's busy in her own time fantasising about her As or (worst case) lapsing into unhealthy outlets that I'm none the wiser for. I've given up on surveillance (mostly) coz she's been good at hiding and she had been a dry adulterer for years prior to her second run of As - which it likely is now. Plus, I can't be her 'parent' for the rest of my life.
There is no scope for MC due to her TT and 'there's no fixing M issues till we fix ourselves'. I'm not addressing M issues till we're both firmly on the same team. She's seen three ICs between which, 1 was an enabler, the second was only interested in her FOO issues with no acknowledgement of her PA/CA/EU or her unhealthy coping mechanisms and the third was not adequate (dunno how much of this is true though because this is what was reported to me by her).
So, the question remains, what do the rest of you (if there are those in similar limbo situations) do to handle the elephant in the room?
I can't fix this on my own, I can try and deal with my demons but I cannot fix hers no matter what I try. Therefore, I can't fix this M, her view being that the M can be fixed by fixing her gripes about her pre A issues.
Just putting it out there.
We've been dealing with the elephant too. My H was raised in a family where you don't talk about the problems or conflicts, you just rugsweep so it "goes away." He always thought "My family is awful for doing that, I don't do that" but he totally does. Did.
It's something I brought up in counseling right off the bat and it's something he has been working on in IC. I am definitely seeing a change.
Are you sure you have all the info? I kept feeling like there was more to the story than I was getting. Everyone on SI kept telling me the A was underground, but I could find no signs of it. Finally the rest came out with the porn admission on Saturday. We had counseling yesterday morning and we spent all day yesterday talking. It's the first time in years that we've connected in that way. At one point I told H it almost felt like we were newlyweds again, trying to discover everything about each other.
I'm happy for you, what a breakthrough; must feel like a cloud lifted off your head. Glad you're moving to a better place I hope.
my W & your H are probably from the same family; denial and rugsweeping are familial hallmarks. She too said "I'll never have the toxic dynamic of my parents in my house" and then totally went all out to build exactly that scenario down to the minute details.
Are you sure you have all the info? I kept feeling like there was more to the story than I was getting.
I KNOW I don't (have the whole story) - why do you think I feel that MC will NEVER work (we tried). Of course, when we last discussed this months ago (as many times thru the first 2 years of TT), I got the standard "there is no more" - which is code for "I'm not going to tell you anything further than I already have and theres no way you'll find out"
It's the first time in years that we've connected in that way. At one point I told H it almost felt like we were newlyweds again, trying to discover everything about each other.
we had that for a brief moment after DDay (#3 or 4, I cannot remember; too much TT) but she quickly shut down since she saw I was no longer buying her yarns and I guess she felt that holding on to any more 'truth'/her shame was more important than this M, this family or me.
I can totally feel your frustration and feel for you. I honestly can't say what I would do. It does seem that your W is completely fine with leaving things where they are, and I don't know that I could put up with that.
Uneek, the porn thing is hard. My H told me when we first met (I was 18) that he'd never seen porn. I was young and naive and believed him! Now I know that he's watched porn, gone to strip clubs and had lap dances and visited prostitutes ... anyway, have you seen this post? It made sense to me. http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.co.nz/2013/03/what-porn-really-offers-rejection-free.html
I had a very triggery weekend. I was doing something different from normal and had more time to think. All sorts of strong feelings came up that I haven't felt for ages. Also, my IC used the term "rape" to describe my first sexual encounter (I described it to her as "not entirely consensual"). That felt very weird and confronting. I've since been thinking that I should've only had to say no once ...
We have another MC session this afternoon. I'm feeling a bit nervous.
i hope this means good things for us.
[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:28 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]
I'M ON THE FENCE
In my rambled thoughts today, "I can identify" is the best I've got. Ugh.
At one level, I'm paying for my infidelity (karma bus), and will keep doing so until I'm at a healthier place/I feel my kids are secure.
Today she messages me while I was out with the kids. She asked me to pick up something for her, and I said you can do it. She got upset that I can go out with my friends and run errands with them and go on 'pointless drives' but not this for her. I was tempted to write back with something along the lines of 'they don't abuse me everyday to my face (abuse in the sense of TT, insincerity, breaking boundaries around EU, etc...), nor do they lie to me consistently about who they are". I didn't say any of that because I didn't want to engage, so I just said we'll pick it up together or work out something, don't want to turn this into an argument. Wow, she really is so entirely clueless, and uninterested in a little introspection after all this time and effort. Meh...
Can't fix her, won't try, the 180 is for my well being. Need to keep reminding myself of this. I'm trying my hardest to keep it civil.
[This message edited by noescape at 5:57 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]
Noescape - thinking of you.
Uneek, thanks for asking. It was a really good session again. I feel much closer to my H after these sessions. We are really finding out a lot about how each other feels. It is confronting and painful, especially talking about our infidelities, but both of us are facing it head on. I'm feeling cautiously optimistic
I think the best thing that has come from this (other than losing 10 pounds) is that I can look at myself then (when I was the WW) and now as the BS and realize how much I've grown and changed. How much effort I put into making myself a better person and how I still struggle with it too.
That's probably why I understand yet hate what the Husband did. I understand how easy it was to get wrapped up in the fantasy of a new exciting life. I never thought he would do what I did knowing how much it hurt him and how much he loved throwing it in my face.
I don't know. I"m just so grateful for this site because I've told no one yet.
That's probably why I understand yet hate what the Husband did.
I'm halfway there. I understand being unfaithful. I just don't understand the person he was in his secret life. I was just looking through our downloads for something and came across a screen shot I'd saved of his blog on Adult Friend Finder. It's churned me up again. The things he was into. The slave stuff. The teenager he was involved with! Calling himself 'Daddy' to her, right after he had his first child with me. That just blows my mind
He did not unfriend the cow and he didn't untag himself from a pic with her.