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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cOw showed up at the husband's work with her bf and her sister and her sister's bf.

It's a little over two weeks since d day and nc. Of course dh was in the tix booth with another employee. They exchanged hellos and he said he didn't even look at her.

I have been waiting for her to show up there. I'm glad it's over with and I don't have to worry about when is she going to show up. Idk why she just can't go to her own theater.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cOw showed up at the husband's work with her bf and her sister and her sister's bf.

It's a little over two weeks since d day and nc. Of course dh was in the tix booth with another employee. They exchanged hellos and he said he didn't even look at her.

I have been waiting for her to show up there. I'm glad it's over with and I don't have to worry about when is she going to show up. Idk why she just can't go to her own theater.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else deal with this? Elephant in the room. WS/BS was never enthusiastic to talk about the As/herself. I learned the hard way, over 3 years that I cannot change her. In between the 'attempts' at R (which I figure will never work due to her CA/EU and dishonesty) there are the massive amounts of months where she wants to play 'nothing happened'. I used to force the issue, now, not so much. It's been 5 months since we finished the AR program with continual regression into our shells since. I know she has no interest in an authentic recon. What she wants/wanted is 'the best M Eva' without any redresal of her As (yes, she's had that from me in the bucket loads).

So, now we're playing 'house'. I'm sure she isn't digging/working on herself, on the contrary, every few weeks she dedicates herself to a new 'project' or another. Case in point being DS8's recent science project which she threw herself into for weeks with obsession.

I'm starting to fill my time with what I like to do and with the kids. Problem is that I'm home most of the time due to unemployment and we spend lots of time together. It even feels like her compartmentalisation is so good that none of this even bothers her a bit.

Either that, or she's busy in her own time fantasising about her As or (worst case) lapsing into unhealthy outlets that I'm none the wiser for. I've given up on surveillance (mostly) coz she's been good at hiding and she had been a dry adulterer for years prior to her second run of As - which it likely is now. Plus, I can't be her 'parent' for the rest of my life.

There is no scope for MC due to her TT and 'there's no fixing M issues till we fix ourselves'. I'm not addressing M issues till we're both firmly on the same team. She's seen three ICs between which, 1 was an enabler, the second was only interested in her FOO issues with no acknowledgement of her PA/CA/EU or her unhealthy coping mechanisms and the third was not adequate (dunno how much of this is true though because this is what was reported to me by her).

So, the question remains, what do the rest of you (if there are those in similar limbo situations) do to handle the elephant in the room?


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was reading joeboos thread about choosing abstinence and it hit me; what I have been unable to articulate all this time: that there are others who know W better than I. That with me, whether its during sex or just plain intimacy, conversation or letting herself be known, she's always on the defensive and on guard. The fact that I found out about her As thru emails she was exchanging with an online chat buddy, the tone of those emails, the playfulness and the general 'being herself' (as I knew her before the M) was what alerted me to "she's never been like this with me for years". THATs the lapse behaviour I cannot accept; that she knows (yet denies) that I now know who/what she *can be* but refuses to bring it into this M. I know that there's hurt all around but there's no working on R, when she denies continually who she was with OM(s) , when she refuses to acknowledge that there's things she didn't bring to the table (including transparency and honesty) while claiming to attempt R.

I can't fix this on my own, I can try and deal with my demons but I cannot fix hers no matter what I try. Therefore, I can't fix this M, her view being that the M can be fixed by fixing her gripes about her pre A issues.

Just putting it out there.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

noescape,

We've been dealing with the elephant too. My H was raised in a family where you don't talk about the problems or conflicts, you just rugsweep so it "goes away." He always thought "My family is awful for doing that, I don't do that" but he totally does. Did.

It's something I brought up in counseling right off the bat and it's something he has been working on in IC. I am definitely seeing a change.

Are you sure you have all the info? I kept feeling like there was more to the story than I was getting. Everyone on SI kept telling me the A was underground, but I could find no signs of it. Finally the rest came out with the porn admission on Saturday. We had counseling yesterday morning and we spent all day yesterday talking. It's the first time in years that we've connected in that way. At one point I told H it almost felt like we were newlyweds again, trying to discover everything about each other.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

uneek,

I'm happy for you, what a breakthrough; must feel like a cloud lifted off your head. Glad you're moving to a better place I hope.

my W & your H are probably from the same family; denial and rugsweeping are familial hallmarks. She too said "I'll never have the toxic dynamic of my parents in my house" and then totally went all out to build exactly that scenario down to the minute details.

Are you sure you have all the info? I kept feeling like there was more to the story than I was getting.

I KNOW I don't (have the whole story) - why do you think I feel that MC will NEVER work (we tried). Of course, when we last discussed this months ago (as many times thru the first 2 years of TT), I got the standard "there is no more" - which is code for "I'm not going to tell you anything further than I already have and theres no way you'll find out"

It's the first time in years that we've connected in that way. At one point I told H it almost felt like we were newlyweds again, trying to discover everything about each other.

we had that for a brief moment after DDay (#3 or 4, I cannot remember; too much TT) but she quickly shut down since she saw I was no longer buying her yarns and I guess she felt that holding on to any more 'truth'/her shame was more important than this M, this family or me.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

noescape, I'm sorry I missed the part about MC the first time around. Early morning + reading before coffee = lack in comprehension.

I can totally feel your frustration and feel for you. I honestly can't say what I would do. It does seem that your W is completely fine with leaving things where they are, and I don't know that I could put up with that.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

noescape, sorry you're having such a rough time. I don't know what to suggest sorry, but just wanted you to know that you've been heard.

Uneek, the porn thing is hard. My H told me when we first met (I was 18) that he'd never seen porn. I was young and naive and believed him! Now I know that he's watched porn, gone to strip clubs and had lap dances and visited prostitutes ... anyway, have you seen this post? It made sense to me. http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.co.nz/2013/03/what-porn-really-offers-rejection-free.html

I had a very triggery weekend. I was doing something different from normal and had more time to think. All sorts of strong feelings came up that I haven't felt for ages. Also, my IC used the term "rape" to describe my first sexual encounter (I described it to her as "not entirely consensual"). That felt very weird and confronting. I've since been thinking that I should've only had to say no once ...

We have another MC session this afternoon. I'm feeling a bit nervous.


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today was a good day I think. I tried to 180 the husband and he noticed right away that I wasn't started conversation with him and not being around him when possible. He told me that he wants to be the best husband and father he can be. He is not interested in talking to the cow and he wants to get a new job so he doesn't have to see her again. He had been thinking about their friendship and realized it wasn't. He gave her a pass on her selfish behavior but realized she wasn't really a friend at all.

i hope this means good things for us.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Madhatter's only.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:28 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

noescape - I don't have my thoughts together and I may not even be in limbo yet (as his loyalties are still with the AP) but I can identify with what you are saying and I know that rugsweeping is my WH's preferred route (and is what we have done in the past).

In my rambled thoughts today, "I can identify" is the best I've got. Ugh.


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

grapefruit, how did it go yesterday?

Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your words, uneek, jas and grape. It's not always answers we seek here, sometimes it's just good enough to know someone out there understands. I know I need to get around to what I want from this/can I stay in this situation kinda question. I guess I answered that, for now, in response to TG a few posts back.

At one level, I'm paying for my infidelity (karma bus), and will keep doing so until I'm at a healthier place/I feel my kids are secure.

Today she messages me while I was out with the kids. She asked me to pick up something for her, and I said you can do it. She got upset that I can go out with my friends and run errands with them and go on 'pointless drives' but not this for her. I was tempted to write back with something along the lines of 'they don't abuse me everyday to my face (abuse in the sense of TT, insincerity, breaking boundaries around EU, etc...), nor do they lie to me consistently about who they are". I didn't say any of that because I didn't want to engage, so I just said we'll pick it up together or work out something, don't want to turn this into an argument. Wow, she really is so entirely clueless, and uninterested in a little introspection after all this time and effort. Meh...

Can't fix her, won't try, the 180 is for my well being. Need to keep reminding myself of this. I'm trying my hardest to keep it civil.

ETA; clarification

[This message edited by noescape at 5:57 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cup, good to hear but be weary about crumbs being thrown your way, remember the 180 is for you, or as jjct in BM said "think of the INcome not the OUTcome" (paraphrased).

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cuppa, it sounds positive - time to watch his actions, as they will speak much louder than his words.

Noescape - thinking of you.

Uneek, thanks for asking. It was a really good session again. I feel much closer to my H after these sessions. We are really finding out a lot about how each other feels. It is confronting and painful, especially talking about our infidelities, but both of us are facing it head on. I'm feeling cautiously optimistic


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

:) You guys are the awesome.

I think the best thing that has come from this (other than losing 10 pounds) is that I can look at myself then (when I was the WW) and now as the BS and realize how much I've grown and changed. How much effort I put into making myself a better person and how I still struggle with it too.

That's probably why I understand yet hate what the Husband did. I understand how easy it was to get wrapped up in the fantasy of a new exciting life. I never thought he would do what I did knowing how much it hurt him and how much he loved throwing it in my face.

I don't know. I"m just so grateful for this site because I've told no one yet.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's probably why I understand yet hate what the Husband did.

I'm halfway there. I understand being unfaithful. I just don't understand the person he was in his secret life. I was just looking through our downloads for something and came across a screen shot I'd saved of his blog on Adult Friend Finder. It's churned me up again. The things he was into. The slave stuff. The teenager he was involved with! Calling himself 'Daddy' to her, right after he had his first child with me. That just blows my mind


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went from calm and peaceful to fucking pissed.
The husband decided to go back on FB. He quit on d day.

He did not unfriend the cow and he didn't untag himself from a pic with her.

Fuck that.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well , i suppose it had to happen.
I deserve every bit of the sht thrown out from this. I am a serial cheater. We have been married for 16 years together for 18. I met my wife while she was still in HS. I was in trade school.
We married when she turned 18. I was 25. From the start of the actual marriage there were problems. We did not even consumate our union for a full two weeks after marriage. (Her issue...) Prior to marriage we were celibate due to age differences and culturl norms.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry.. posted before finished.....
My wife is from mexico...strict catholic upbringing. Me, irish.
We both agreed to wait. She was a virgin...me, not so much. We clicked though. At first.
Will post more soon. I get called.out for work at ungodly hours.
I will return as i need major help.
Thx

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
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