Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is not your fault. Unfortunately, in madhatter situations it becomes all to easy to start assigning blame. Don't do that. You stay on your side of the fence in taking care of what yours to take care of. That is the best thing you can do for her right now. Fix you. Fix you for you, for her, and for your kids.

I am sorry for your pain. It is a hard place to be in right now. What have you done for you today that is a healthy thing?

And yes, for a bit, she will be all over the map. So will you. It is normal.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice, TG. Try and do one thing a day that will help you feel normal or take your mind off things. I found swimming or some other form of exercise really helpful.


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swimming. Would love to go.
But now theres this great big thing on my hand...and yes, i will try one thing for myself today.


Wife is coming home.
Today. She txtd me and told me shes scared. She asked to see my ic with me...and wants to talk.
Im not sure i want to now.
Just want to see the girls...
You all have a wonderful day.
Im going home.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

need MH input: I asked hubby a question this am - why didn't he turn to me when he was going through this stuff and he answered, the same reason you didn't, which I think is just passing the buck.
I said, because I didn't want you to know and I was a coward. He said same thing with him.

Then he got all over me about bringing this up before work and he threw the separation and divorce thing out as neither of us can stop thinking about our pain. And then left and said hopefully I'll be there when he got home.

I said I was sorry I brought it up before work and I would. But, I hate that I have to put my pain in a little box and wait to release it. just sharing and talking make me feel better. It makes him feel worse.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3627 | Registered: Dec 2010
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eh,

Why are you feeling like you are not sure if you want to see her? Are you feeling angry? If you are, that is very normal at this stage. You will go up and down, very rapidly with your feelings right now.

Rachel,

has he asked you not to discuss these things before work before?

These questions that you are asking, are they going to bring you closer to a resolution on how you feel about this?

Do you feel it was fair of him to ask you that question back?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG- no, although I did know he had a meeting at 8.
I guess what I wanted to say is, I'm so hurt you didn't turn to me while you we're going through this....and I wanted to know of he would now.
I think it's a fair question to ask but not as an answer to a question. I would have responded with compassion, an apology and not referred to what he did.....,


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3627 | Registered: Dec 2010
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IF your true question was if he would do that now, why didn't you ask that question?

Do you think picking and choosing a good time to talk to him helps get a better response?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Amberdawn
♀ New Member
Member # 39157
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in such a confused mental state. My H had a PA about 11 years ago. When we got married, he was the only person I had ever been with. I wasn't his first. I tried to heal. I ended up having a PA also. He never found out. I ended it on my own. I knew it was wrong, but it actually made me feel better and helped me get over his PA. Fast forward 11 years and 3 kids later. I've never fully trusted my husband. He is very flirty and I think he sometimes is too touchy feely with other women. I met someone about a year ago who really made me feel good about myself. We did have sex once but we mainly just talked over text. He is single. We both knew what we did was wrong. I found out recently that my H had a very inappropriate texting relationship with someone for about a year. It ended amount 7 months ago. My H had no idea about my A. My H really wants to work on our marriage. We are in MC, but I feel it may be too late. There has been so much damage done. I sometimes feel like I am addicted to this OP. I don't want to be. I want to have a happy healthy marriage, but considering everything, is that possible? Remember, my H does not know about my A's. He knew how much it hurt me the first time and he did it again. I has always felt like I've been waiting for him to cheat again and he has. Any advice?

Posts: 43 | Registered: May 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG I couldn't even get to that before he started to get upset, although I should have started with that.

I guess I should have waited until after work, although i was about ready to burst. I don't think the response would have been better, but he might not have headed off to work so pissed.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3627 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ashamed14
♀ New Member
Member # 38240
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish we had a special MadHatter section rather than just a thread. With 39 pages, this is getting almost unmanageable. I haven't even had a chance to read all the prior posts yet. I just needed to share/vent.

I had PA's with multiple men last summer. I was trying to escape a life that I was unhappy with. My BH discovered 6/30/12. I did not come clean with all the details for 2 months (I know now BIG MISTAKE) and during that time, he made life hell for me -- verbal, physical, emotional abuse. (Yes, the abuse has stopped.) In Sept., we agreed to work through it and started MC (part of the counseling was Anger Mgmt for him).

I had to do a lot of soul searching throughout the process. The shame got to be almost unbearable. I wanted to prove in every way, every day that I was worthy of his forgiveness and worthy to be his wife again. I wanted to understand why my A happened and how I can make sure I am never in that dark place again. He has made great improvement with his Anger Mgmt. I thought we had come so far. We "graduated" from MC in early May.

Two weeks later, I discovered that he had a EA/PA with another BS that he met. It began with chats, calls, lunches in October '12, and according to him became PA in January. Supposedly it ended in April. They bonded over their mutual betrayals. And then yes, knowing how much it hurt them, they proceeded to have an A.

We are already back in MC. However, yesterday, we had a really bad day. I had a moment of insecurity and asked to look at his mobile phone. (BTW, the OW contacted him on Memorial Day. She found out then when I replied to her text that I knew about the A.) My husband got really angry that I asked to see his phone.

Up until this point, he has been kissing my butt, doing all the right things. But yesterday, he told me that he still hasn't forgiven me for my A, feels that since my A was with multiple men that it was worse and basically said he would have never had A if I had not had one first. It began as revenge, but he fell in love with this woman. He treated her as a girlfriend, took her to nice dinners, took her to a concert that I had bought tickets for us to go to, but couldn't because I was home sick with the flu, bought her roses. He boasted about the A to some of our mutual friends and even double-dated with them.

I feel more hurt by the emotional betrayal by him than the physical betrayal. Also, I feel crushed that I thought we were working together in MC. I can't understand how he could attend the weekly sessions, while actively having an A, knowing how he felt, knowing the consequences.

I told him today why I was so hurt by the A, but because I had also sinned, I knew I could forgive him. At least I'm not making his daily life hell right now as he was mine at this point a year ago.

I also told him that while he was "phoning in" the MC, I was doing the hard work and the soul searching. That attending MC appointments and doing the reading was a waste of time, unless he is ready to do the soul searching too. Also, as long as he thinks that what he did isn't as bad and didn't hurt me as much as what I did, he is never going to truly understand his A and I feel never truly take responsibility for it.

I don't know what else to do. I'm so scared that a year from now we will have been through this MC process AGAIN and he still will not have forgiven me. He will still see me as the Wayward one and him as the victim of my actions.

Any advice? I'm living the emotional roller coaster these days.


MHW-42
STBX-MHH-41
Married 15 yrs.
2 children

Mine DD - 6/2012
His DD - 5/2013


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amberdawn,

There is no way for you to ever have a truly honest, authentic marriage unless you are honest with your H. He doesn't know at this point what kind of M he is in. Only you know that.

Of course you are still addicted to the AP still, he is giving you what you are looking for, validation. That is something you should be getting internally not externally.

Read some of the articles in the healing library in the little yellow box to the left, that will help you understand some of the things you need to know about confessing and what your H will go through. Although you already know some of that, being a bs yourself. That is the unfortunate position we have as being madhatters.

Ashamed,

Your H can't hold you responsible for his affair. That stands on it's own. He made choices that he didn't have to make. Just as you did.

You can also make choices now, if he is not showing remorse or a desire to change, what are your boundaries with that? Those are some of the things that you may want to start to determine.

Welcome both of you, sorry you are here.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amberdawn:

We are in MC, but I feel it may be too late. There has been so much damage done.

I want to have a happy healthy marriage, but considering everything, is that possible?

It's not too late, but I believe you can't really have a healthy marriage if you aren't being honest with your H. It's really hard to properly address the reasons for your A if you haven't confessed to him. Are you in IC? Do you know why you had an A?

I met someone about a year ago who really made me feel good about myself.

It's good you've said this - many people have affairs because they like the reflected image of themselves. It's not about the person they have an affair with. It's about how they make them feel.

Ashamed - are you sure your H has ended his affair? If he's getting angry when you ask to look at his phone, that's not a good sign. And pointing the finger at you is classic blameshifting. As TG said, your actions are yours to own, just like his are his to own.

One more thing:

He boasted about the A to some of our mutual friends and even double-dated with them.

Really?! You need to get rid of these friends stat! They are not 'friends of the marriage'.

ETA: EH how are you doing?

[This message edited by grapefruit at 11:17 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello people!

I feel like we are two steps forward and then something brings us back.

I found out he slept with her 3 times not the 2 he told me. Then he started showing me with his actions that he was sorry.

Then today I found in his phone that he had her phone in the notes saved the night I made him call her, start NC and then delete her from his phone. He said he wanted to save it so he could call her to apologize. Phone records show he hasn't talked to her on his cell since the NC call. WTF? She fucked up too. Why does she get an apology. I am livid and he knows it. He was pulling out all of the things he could do to help me. He said he forgot he saved it. Whatever. I"m pissed because of his reason for doing so. She doesn't deserve an apologoy for the way it ended. She was just as guilty as he was. They both could have said no.

Also I spoke to him about how it bothers me that he thinks it was okay to continue to be friends with her after they decided to end the physical part. I told him he should have not talked to her again and that it wasn't really over in December. It was over on d day.

I just hate seeing his brokenness because then I feel sad for him not angry.

I am trying to focus on the kids and not to let my mind wander.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 344 | Registered: May 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry that this is happening cuppa, what is your plan at this point?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now I know that I do love him and I want our family to get better. I am not going to tolerate this behavior from him. I deserve a good husband. I know that I need to be patient with him because it took me a long time to get to a remorseful place when I messed up. But that does not mean I deserve half truths. I am going to continue to take care of me and the kids. He needs to show me with his actions his love and commitment to us.

Tonight he picked me up coffee. Deleted her number from his phone and finally deleted a picture from FB with her in it. He also cleaned up after the kids so I could relax. He did use words to apologize but that is insignificant right now and I told him that.

I think he away how Hirt I was and is finally starting to understand how what he did was wrong.

I am trying to put my game face on so I can fight this evil and get the marriage I deserve.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 344 | Registered: May 2013
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am spinning out at the moment. My H is away for a couple of nights and a few things have happened that have really triggered me. Right now, I haven't heard from him in 4 hours, despite texting and calling him. It's doing my head in. Last night he accidentally called me at 11.40pm instead of voicemail. I asked why he was calling voicemail at that time? He said someone (we both know) had left a message for him at 11pm. Before that, he sent me a text message that I misinterpreted (it was easy to see how it might have been meant for someone else). He assures me nothing is going on, and that me and our son is all he is thinking about. I believe him, but why am I triggering so badly? Also, I've just realised that one of the OW (though I should really say OG as she is a teenager) he was involved with up until D-Day lives in the city he is currently in.

Sorry cuppa. Sounds like his head is definitely still in the A. But it sounds like you are doing all the right things and being strong - good for you.


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just called with a good excuse for not answering his phone. I believe him, but I am really upset. Crying as I type this. Why does he not think how this will feel beforehand? I asked him why he didn't tell me he was going to be unavailable? I hate feeling like this so much. I hate the person I have become because of this.


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs fruit! You are strong. You are tough.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 344 | Registered: May 2013
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am feeling uncranky and unloved.

the whole saving her number thing is really pissing me off still.

I can't get over the fact he thought she deserved an apology. Or that he felt like he might need to see if she was okay.

this sucks.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 344 | Registered: May 2013
Ashamed14
♀ New Member
Member # 38240
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having a rough afternoon. I started going through phone records and saw that my husband was texting with OW on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. Have put me in a total funk. Also, I just think there is more going on than he is telling me -- maybe more than one OW?. I don't know if its my insecurities or my intuition. I hate feeling this way.


MHW-42
STBX-MHH-41
Married 15 yrs.
2 children

Mine DD - 6/2012
His DD - 5/2013


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.