So anyway, i typed out all my questions. I've read over them numerous times because this was supposed to happen last night. Life got in the way of that, and as much as I wanted to set aside every other responsibility because this one is most important to me, I realized it was a bad idea to try and have the conversation when he was exhausted and i wasn't far behind him myself. That leaves tonight. I wish he would say to me, I know you wanted to talk last night and we didnt,we will make time tonight. But I know that is not him. he will wait until I bring it up, which makes me feel like Im nagging him, but Im going to do it because I feel like I need to. Anyway...40 questions give or take, some Ive asked, some I havent, some are general some are very specific, I expect some vague answers, i will let that go on a couple questions, not most of them. Anyone have any advice before I venture into this? Any warnings on questions I think i want to know but maybe I really dont?
Maybe you want to set a time limit (10 minutes / 30 minutes / 1 hour / 2 hours /etc) that you both agree upon at the start. It may be that he doesn't feel like talking and gives a bunch of short answers and barrels through them all. But hopefully he will open up and you both with really converse and you find that you only get through a handful of questions.
One person on SI said that what they did was cut up the questions so that you had one question per sliver of paper. Then they put them in a bowl/jar/fishbowl/what-have-you. When they sat down to talk her H (the wayward) would pick out a question and then answer it / they would discuss. Then, time permitting, he would pull out another question and repeat.
I believe they had a set time to talk (once a week or something). During the week if a question popped into her head she would write it down and put it in the fishbowl.
If there are questions that are really burning a hole in your brain maybe start with those? But if they are all pretty much equal in 'importance' (for lack of a better word) then maybe something like the fishbowl idea would be good?
And everyone else?
ETA: My IC went fine today but it's just the initial 'meet and greet' essentially. I didn't tell H last night because life got in the way but I did tell him today. After an initial gruffness he took it OK.
[This message edited by JustAShadow at 5:55 PM, June 21st (Friday)]
What is going on?
What a scene for you to walk in on. You have the strength of Hercules evidenced by the fact that you managed to not go off on the OM at that moment.
Know that you ARE strong. And I'm so sorry that you're having to go through any of this. Were you able to get any sleep last night?
I can only imagine that some part of you is still affected seeing her break down like that while being able to hate her at the same time. I am so sorry you are going through such a terrible time. Sending healing thoughts your way.
My own update is nothing to really update, despite his promises that he would answer my questions, he hasn't. There was an event on Sunday night, he ended up getting stuck "working" much later than he thought, it isn't that I didnt believe him, its just that I felt uneasy about it all. I tried to tell him why I was upset, he got angry....AGAIN eventually telling me that I can believe whatever i want and if I dont trust him theres nothing he can do about that.
Yesterday i tried some 180, came home at lunch, barely spoke, did dishes, laundry, etc. took my lunch back to work with me. When he got home from his other job (an hour later than normal-he got "stuck" there too) I had already cooked dinner, made dessert, mowed the lawn, and showered (these are all things he is normally responsible for). he came in asked me why i cut the grass, he can do it. I said it needed it. He thanked me twice for making dinner. When i told him about the dessert he asked what had gotten into me. I just said nothing, felt like doing it (really jsut cant handle moping around right now so trying to stay busy). He fell asleep on the couch about 815 so still no talking to me, even though he assured me on sunday he wasnt avoiding talking to me.
Im giving up on answering the questions. Right now I dont think Ive ever felt so disconnected from him. I feel like we are just passing time and I am the only one making any effort whatsoever.
[This message edited by Spideysense at 9:06 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]
What is going on today?
Mine DD - 6/2012
His DD - 5/2013
So yesterday via text (because how else would two grown adults possibly communicate?) he asked me why i slept on the couch the last two nights, told him I jsut wanted to watch TV until my eyes were so heavy they closed bc I was tired of laying in bed thinking about things all night. This led to the conversation the night before when he got angry and told me I could think whatever i wanted. I told him I feel like I am losing more of him every day, that he doesnt even listen to me, he asked what hes doing to make me feel that way, i said its what you arent, i told you what i needed, you havent followed through on any of it. I reminded him about promising to talk to me and how good i felt when he agreed. I said last week it would have to wait 3-4 days due to things in life he said thats a long time maybe we can find time before that. We havent. i told him again on Sunday this was still important to me, he assured me he wasnt avoiding talking to me. i remind him of all this and then say its now Tuesday...still havent talked. he said tell me when you want to do it. I said no i told you on sunday to come to me when you were ready i would be ready whenever. he responded back, im ready. so home last night, he was actually home before me and had no place else to be, we had some things around the house we were doing but nothing that really impacted our evening.
he didnt bring it up at all. not a single word. he asked me a few times whats wrong (my god how many times do i need to tell you???? you can ask me every single flipping day but until you sit down and talk to me nothing is going to change). he was being affectionate, trying to squeeze my shoulder, hug or kiss me. Part of me appreciates that, i still miss his touch, but part of me wants to turn around and scream at him..."YOU DONT GET TO MAKE THIS ALL BETTER JSUT BY KISSING ME....YOU CANT KISS AWAY MY PAIN"
I feel so lost, I dont know what to do